it's still home...

I am home now. Home. Surrounded by people who love me. Whom i love. I was a bit nervous coming home because so much change has happened both in my heart and back in Fresno. Nothing is the same as i left it back in August. There are even new buildings and new people living in my house. The moment i walked out to meet my family at the airport, i felt pure contentment. It honestly felt like it had only been days since i had last seen them. I mean, i missed them a whole lot, but i did not get one feeling of "something is missing". Fresno is still home. Despite all the change.

I really love Chicago, I love Moody, it's so exciting to live there, but Fresno is still my familiar safe place. It feels SO good to be back. Already, i have rested, had some much needed conversations, and just feel at home. This break was so needed. I am soaking up each and every moment. Not sure when i will get a chance to look back over my whole year and reminisce. Off the bat, i know this was a SUPER growing year. It will be interesting to see what really stuck out to me and gets me excited to see what Jesus has in store for me next year. So there is an update. My heart is happy.

stars...

i don't remember the last time i looked up in the night sky and saw stars...

oh yea, 4 months ago. has it really been that long? i remember so many nights back home mesmerized by such beauty.

tonight i saw one. just one. thank you Jesus. gives me a taste of what's to come in a week.

i miss my stars.

my coffee shop...

i miss my coffee shop. 

my small town coffee shop. 

the coffee shop that makes me feel like i'm in a scene of Gilmore Girls. 

the coffee shop i spent hours at soaking up the sunshine and enjoying life. 

so many conversations. so many coffee dates. so much laughter. so many reunions. so many "me and Jesus time" mornings. so many Snickerdoodle drinks and way too many warm cookies. I feel like every inch of the coffee shop has a memory attached to it. this place has grown to become one of my happy, safe places ever.

i feel like even years later, i will still come back to it. sit in my spot. and just be.  


i am going to have a hard time not spending every single day there when i come home. To be able to people watch at my table, while journaling, Bible open, music in the distance.


I really hate the smell of coffee but this place is the only exception that i completely embrace and love.

everyone needs a coffee shop. their spot. their memories. their safe place.

a specific reaction...

It really takes me by surprise (...as does most people) when I get a response I was not expecting.

Maybe the root of all this is that i just don't feel cared for or loved in the moment i desire affirmation.

There have been moments recently where i've learned of some frustrating news and when i bring it up to people, it gets brushed off like it's no big deal. Then there are moments where i get super excited about something, and all i get is a half smile but no response. I am not asking people to come up with some fake, "always agree with Ashlyn" response, but it really does make me miss those back home who, because they have embraced me and love me completely, will come alongside me no matter what i am going to say. Ask my siblings, they have firsthand accounts of all the ridiculously boring things i have to say, or the super funny (but only Ashlyn funny) jokes i make, or the 10 minute venting blowup in the car. But at the end of it all...

I am loved.

Here at school...i think because its only been a few months, we don't value someone as much as we could years from now.

I am looking for that specific reaction. That reaction where there is a specific look of "I love you" no matter what comes out of my mouth. That specific reaction where no matter how they respond or what sarcastic remark they have, i have no doubt that they love me for me. My sister  may not agree with most things that i do. And my brother may roll my eyes when i get excited over something that no one else cares about. And Sean may give that certain "that was stupid, but i love you" laugh for me. They may all have different reactions to me, but they love me. They love me.

At the end of the day, i don't really care for affirmation from whatever i have said. But i really desire to be affirmed in who i am, as a person, fully loved no matter what. If i know that i am loved...i will not surprised by different reactions.

Here in Chicago, because everything is on a more surface level with everyone...if i get a certain reaction i was not expecting; doubt, insecurity, and feelings of inadequacy topple me over. I feel misunderstood. I feel like i ruined a "bonding" moment.

And i just don't like that...

We all long to be affirmed in life. And i know that ultimately our security needs to be in Jesus. I am just thankful for the people back home who are there for me though, so when i am in seasons of my life where there aren't people right next to me who truly get me...i know i have people back home. And i need to be content with that as i wait for friendships to deepen here at school.

wow and there you have it...what used to be a quick "man why wasn't their reaction all excited like mine was?" thought, has become another blog post and shows an excerpt into what is going on in my heart.

it's a VCR...

The last three weeks have been rigorous. Tests. Projects. Christmas-season customers. Driving in the city. A friend's visit from CA. Job position rejection. Windy coldness. Roommate bonding. Anticipation for going home. A couple tears here and there. Constant going.

I really haven't had a moment to breath and rest...well until now. I have specifically taken today off. To breath. To sit and people watch, listen to Ben Howard on pandora, blog, and look at christmas lights.

There's an anxiety in me right now. It may be anticipation not for the "what if's" but the "whens and hows" of some things. Even though this week was crazy, there were periods of the day where i had time to myself (in a way), sitting on the train, laying down during my physical therapist appointment, or walking down the streets. It's amazing that whatever my surrounding was, my thoughts drifted.

When i was walking down the street, or sitting on the train, I kept catching myself smiling and laughing randomly to myself, which is kind of creepy because i was not having a conversation with anyone at all. It's like i was in my own little world all week. This usually doesn't happen. So weird.

When i was in my PT appointment (which was a 3hr session), all i was able to do was stare at the ceiling, count the squares, and think. I couldn't move. I couldn't plug in headphones to listen to music. All i had was my thoughts to entertain me for hours.

And so this week, i began to play "my life" over and over again in my head. Like a VCR. I began to pick one memory, one story, or one conversation, and then play it over and over again. Holding on to each detail. Rewinding it. Replaying it. Repeating it.

Come on seriously...
I was doing so well not planning every minute of my life...but i guess i just went to the opposite side of the spectrum. I began looking back. Backtracking to the past.

I feel like im walking through the longest tv episode ever (of my life). When will it end? I thought i learned what God was trying to teach me. I thought that once i had had my "lightbulb moment", i could move onto to a new episode of my life and have God teach me new things. But my circumstances have not changed.

My heart has changed though. (but not my feelings in certain areas) And my perspective has shifted as well. But my circumstances have not. so what now? i feel like i am walking in circles again. learning more and more yes, but im in circles. and i don't like that.

I think i expected to move forward. I guess i have in a way... Moving forward may have to do with my heart and not my circumstances. But then why am i turning my life into a VCR? constantly rewinding the same old things?

I really don't know where i am going with this. But i have this time to just breath and write. so i am.

The picture: a good reminder for me. How do i move forward without planning every inch of my life while also embracing the past without rewinding it repeatedly? Guess the answer is Jesus. I will continue to seek. Cause i just don't know.

the people in the events...

Throughout this fall i have grown to appreciate, to be thankful, for the season of life that i am in. It has actually been pretty refreshing to come to a place in life where i can say "Thank you Jesus for this (insert certain thing from my life)" I am even at a place where i can say that i would not change anything that has happened this year (except maybe for a redo in my attitude and perspective department). Why would i want to change ALL that God has been doing in my heart?...

Two days ago was yet another Thanksgiving. Basically another term for a normal hangout, with people i love, with extra food. Of course this is the time to verbalize what we are thankful for. I don't find it hard to be thankful for things. Like trees, Jamba Juice, family. The general.

But... a couple days ago, i found myself struggling to respond to several messages i received on Thanksgiving. The notes i got from some of these friends were so thoughtful, sweet, and super encouraging but i hesitated when writing a response. Why was i not feeling natural to do what i usually love to do? (encourage people) Was it because it was a "forced thankfulness day" and everyone was doing it, so i should too?

Looking back over this last year, i am super thankful for the good AND the hard. 

The good and hard EVENTS

but..not the PEOPLE in the good and hard EVENTS

The EVENTS that have happened this year have involved some major changes, halts, and rollercoaster days. But I don't have any bitterness, anger, or sadness with any of what has been going on in my life.

The PEOPLE who have come in and out of my life this year all have challenged me, have been a constant support, an encouragement and kept me accountable. God has used each person in my life for as a specific opportunity for me to learn and grow more in Him. I have been hurt though (as has everyone), and for some reason, those feelings seep in quite a bit.

This has been yet another year of hard and frustrating redirections with old friendships, new relationships, and a continuation of seasonal friendships. 

As i mentioned before, the messages i received were from people I dearly love, but i was overcome with emotion and, what appeared to be, unresolved issues in my heart. 

What a bizarre thing to recognize in myself! I LOVE people. LOVE them. And yet, what i love the most has often times been one of my hugest struggles.

The PEOPLE in the EVENTS play a pivotal part in this thing we call life. I need to come to a place where i am thankful not only for the things that have happened/not happened in my life, but also for the people who are in the midst of those as well.

I guess i have been picky with thankfulness. I toss around the idea of gratitude and then block out certain aspects of it. What does it really mean to be thankful for everything? everyone? something to work through.

storm of blessings...

I feel like God has drenched me with a storm of blessings. By that i mean, that in the midst of some unfun things, messed up plans, and stressful classes, i am learning to trust the Lord more and resting in his Grace which has been phenomenal, BUT ALSO...He is blessing me in simple, practical, everyday ways. Thats why i call it a storm of blessings. I seriously am so overwhelmed. He is showing me in little ways that He is FOR me and is GOOD even when my circumstances say otherwise.

A couple weeks ago I updated my status to share with the world that i finally got my first hard-earned 100% on a super hard map test. I was so excited and as a joke i slipped in my obsession of Jamba Juice, but then continued on with my day thinking nothing of it.

Today, i received my 6th Jamba giftcard. Yes six. People took the time to bless in me. like seriously?!?! So so so grateful. I mean. God is so good. The blessings keep coming. Not only did i get those giftcards but sweet encouraging letters from some people i had lost contact with. Not only was i blessed with all of this, but next week my old roomie is coming to see me, two weeks later my parents are flying out to be with me, solid friendships are beginning develop, i got to experience my first city snow..and that's just a few, a few of the blessings i have been drenched with.

i am just so loved. so loved. so grateful. so thankful. what an encouragement and challenge for me to reach out and continue to love people in the small ways.


That is all for today. Just wanted to put it in the records that i am so beyond blown away by God's grace with me in this storm of blessings that i have the privilege to be in.

heart update...

I love asking the question, "How's your heart?" to my dorm room neighbors. And have yet to actually get an answer from some of them haha. Actually, that is a really hard question to ask ourselves sometimes. How is your heart? This question forces me to stop and walk into a place that may not be pleasant. At times my heart is really not pure and it's embarrassing to look at it. At times my heart is full of joy and its so hard to put to words what God is doing in my life. At times my heart is anxious, numb, or even desiring to fill a void. It is scary to check the heart. Cause whatever is inside will eventually come out in my words, facial expressions and i am surrounded by people who will see this. If good and happiness comes out, well awesome. But if the compressed pain, frustration, or unresolved bitterness comes out at any given moment...well i have not made the world a happier place have i? Now i am not saying that feeling these "bad" feelings is terrible...but i think that i run from whats going on in my heart. I fear what the wrestling feeling means. I fear how my obedience to Christ may cause me to sacrifice the comfort and routine of my life.

So how is my heart today?

Maybe i have forgotten how to answer that question...i mean i don't have my mom next to me asking me when i wake up in the morning, or when i am coming home from work. Now it is my turn to ask this myself. Really how am i doing? Am i busying my life so i don't have to face my heart? Or am i embracing it? Maybe i am numb. I think i have begun to categorize my life as a check off list. Family back home. Dealing with unresolved situations. School. Work. Trying to make friends. Maintaing friendships back home. And as long as those are all good. im good. 

Or am i?

For my achiever side:

I have identified the season of life i am in. The Unknown. And i am ok with it.

I have realized struggles i have and am working through them slowly. 

I am trying to be present with where i am at and who all surrounds me. Choosing joy.

I am applying all that i am learning in class. Experiencing Christ actively working around me.

So i really have managed to take active steps in asking if i am ok. I am in routine. But what is missing...why does my heart continue to feel down? 

The speaker in chapel made a statement that basically was a friendly slap to my face. 

She talked about Interruptions. (A Planner's favorite thing in life)

"Quit focusing on the plan that hasn't worked. Embrace the opportunity that is before you. You will miss the opportunities if you are focused on God's redirecting of your plan."

I have been doing that...so all that to say. My heart is having trouble letting go. Not letting go of control but more of some good things no longer in my life anymore. Maybe thats why my heart is not doing superb. Just maybe.

under no label...

i mentioned this before (link to previous post), but i really get insecure sometimes, and usually about something random. i was hit with this feeling after several people walked by me, not looking at me, avoiding conversation, managing to go about their day without including me in it. here i am, longing for deep and solid relationships and people walk by me every single day without care to get to know me. i love being here and starting fresh, starting a new season of my life, but to be honest...i have no identity. (stick with me for a minute: i know that my identity is in christ) here i am 2,100miles away from home surrounded by the unfamiliar. i have no connections, no previously built relationships. no one knows my family. most people give me a blank look when i say "Hume Lake". i am no longer that "hume kid" or "Yvonne's daughter". who i have been known as growing up is all gone. i usually hate being labeled, but i was known for certain things my whole life and now...now everything is new. im starting over.

thinking about it now, i really get super happy when students use the "you are a mountain girl so you wouldn't know", sure they were totally teasing me but they tapped into a familiar memory. i guess subconsciously i feel a little more bonded with whoever mentions that im a "mountain girl", its like they are closer to understanding me. the me that everyone at home knows. the me that hasn't been able to break through here.

the normal me would have already built tons of friendships
the normal me would have found ways to love every person

but after moments of being ignored and brushed off....i feel inadequate. i long to be known, my heart, my thoughts, my passions, even my quirks. no one here gets my humor.

guess its just a day to remember that really...i am a child of God. i am dearly loved.

i just hate when insecurity seeps in unexpectedly.

expectation obligation....

Grace. this word...what has it become to me? as i stared out the train window, mind wandering, a thought hit me. do i really get what it means? has it become an expected responsibility? a christian requirement? a reaction based on guilt?

i feel like we long for grace yet when someone who doesn't deserve anything, needs it, we hesitate(which is exactly what grace is). Grace is not a natural thing (yes discipline in that area would probably make it easier) but for me, whether it be person i can't stand, a person who hurt me immensely, or even my family who needs grace, i have such a hard time giving it. I long for justice, to put people in the right; but Grace breaks the rules of "who's right and who's wrong" and focuses instead on loving with Christ's love.

You have people who will ask for grace when they are in the wrong...but then there are  those who may never "make amends" and ask for it. I expect it. I expect people to ask for grace. I mean i ask God for His grace everyday, so how hard can it be for people...
wait Ashlyn when do you ask for God's grace? ....when i feel like it....when i pause after a busy day....when its my timing...

So here i am, expecting people to ask me to show them grace because its the "right" thing to do (aka a Christian obligation). And yet, i walk throughout my day, every single day, brushing God off my shoulder, taking Him for granted, His grace for granted.

Grace is a gift. a gift. To be honest, its really hard for me to not wrap it all up with expectations when i give it.

I either hoard grace or give it with a leash tightly attached.
Grace should be limitless, boundless, and given with a right heart.

So...
What would it look like for me personally to give grace to someone i would much rather lecture at or complain about to my mom? For awhile now, like this month, i planned for specific conversations to happen...which did not. I began to go through the mix of emotions. Went from justifying things and giving excuses for the lack of conversation. Then quickly turned to frustration and filled my head with endless, repeating "what if" questions. There were some tears, some denial moments, some of everything...

But I would say i have "cooled" down from the emotional rollercoaster now. Circumstances are still the same, unchanged. My awesome mom told that this was a GREAT opportunity to show grace. Grace...really? Grace...come on...

I guess Grace is not just when someone has sinned against you (although thats where we usually see grace most evident) but can be seen maybe as a way of letting go of subconscious expectations. Or in my words, Expectation Obligation(expecting people to feel that its a responsibility to make amends asap).

I expect people to feel the responsibility to seek resolution and that as Christians we are called to live in healthy community...meaning resolution should happen as soon as possible...so its obvious that we should go about things my way right?...yea no we are not called to live Ashlyn's Way. We are called to follow Christ alone.

The aspect of showing Grace to people who don't ask for it, who have not actually sinned against me...is so new to me. It has been one of the bigger battles i have struggled with in this last month.
to let go, but to hope.
to not hold down anyone with Expectation Obligation

I long to make things Right.
but maybe...
probably...
Right looks different than Ashlyn's Right Way.

And this is life. A slow journey figuring out and beginning to actually understand the Lord that i serve. He is the Right way, the only way, Grace: He should be my source i draw from, my energy i soak in, and my rest.

I am still so clueless to the unlimited nature of GRACE. But with the circumstances God is walking next to me in, i am seeing more visual pictures of His Grace to me and how it is the best example to figure out what it means for me to show grace to others.

homesick?...

There are certain things i miss the most from being away from home. No i am not homesick....or am i?

When i moved down the mountain to Fresno, it took me 1 year to adjust to their culture (since i was so used to 13yrs of mountain culture) And it took 3 years to build friendships that actually lasted. Fresno became Home. Traditions formed (i am all about tradition), memories of adventures started piling on top of each other to the point where most of the streets in Fresno have some meaning and story to go along with it.

I have now moved away. Yes i love the city, Yes i love walking everywhere. Yes i love smelling chocolate or some yummy food as i walk down the streets. Yes i love taking the L (subway) with some friends and hanging out at the awesome two-story Target. But in all of that. It's not Home.

It feels good to be on my own but all that was familiar to me is now 2,153 miles away. My family...was who i hung out with for most of my days is no longer in walking distance from me. From car rides with my brother to work  to "sleepover" nights with my sister to family games nights, or even Taco Tuesdays with a bunch of people...well thats gone. At least for me. The traditions are still happening but without me. I am missing out on fun road trips with my family. I am missing out on having two people live with us. I am missing out on introducing a dog to our family. There is so much i am missing out on and its put me in a weird place to sit back and watch from the sidelines. People who i spent hours with are now spending hours living normal life...but without me. Am i ok with that?

As Thanksgiving rolls around...i begin to think of all that i will miss out on. Well Thanksgiving itself...ill be ok without being home. My family has never been that "American Traditional" family. We always have people from different areas in our lives come over. It is different every year, different people, different places. But that in itself is a tradition i guess :) Anyway...

The day after Thanksgiving till December 21st (when i go back home) will be so hard for me. That month is a month of tradition. Of a special family time i just wont get again. My sister and i usually spend one whole day decorating for Christmas, dropping mom's Christmas dishes, and dressing up like reindeer. I know...christmas is so far away. But in moments like today where i am too far away to go and love on someone who needs a hug...all these feelings flood in.

I woke up to a text that sent me in panic mode. Here i was, over 2,000 miles away and could not just walk 20 feet to my parents room to ask "what's going on?" I had to wait to call them (2hr difference) before i could hear my mom's caring voice reassure me. Sure i made a huge deal over something that is completely fine now. But to be so far away...it is moments like this that i long to be home with family.

Maybe that is what homesick is. Maybe its missing the part of being in the family. Maybe its the aspect that i am unable to jump on everyday adventures with them. Maybe this is what homesick is. I wouldn't want to move back home if i was given the opportunity, but if everything i love and care for is on the other side of the country, a part of my heart will always be there longing to be with them.

What a weird thought. An independent person homesick. Weird.

can i pray for you?...

"Can i pray for you?"

A question that i am totally fine asking a friend, family, or even anyone who i have coffee with. I am not even scared to ask a co-worker who doesn't believe in God if i can pray for them either. But...to walk up to someone random on the street and ask that simple question. Oh gosh. Fear and doubt rise in my heart. 

Today in class, everything was normal. I sat with the same people, completely oblivious to the fact that within 15mins we would be sent out of class early. After a short video our teacher told us to get up and go find someone to pray for. Um what??? Everyone quickly gathered their backpacks and we headed out. As i walked with two other friends along the sidewalk surrounding Moody, i was happy and nervous. Who would we encounter? How would this turn out? I was so excited that we were actually applying what we had been learning in class. I was nervous though. I had never done something like this before. This task was asking me to be bold and walk in the Spirit. Did i really believe the power of God? Well i was about to find out. 

We headed to a starbucks nearby the school to see if there was anyone we could talk to and as we were waiting to cross the intersection, i looked in the distance to see one of the Subway stations. A thought occurred...there is always someone who sits in a booth for endless hours, never smiling, at times looking like there is no hope in the world. I quickly expressed my idea of talking to whoever was in the booth to my team and they were all for it. We walked confidently towards the station. With each step though i started thinking, how in the world are we not going to be creepy? asking to pray for someone is not the "normal thing" to do and could freak people out. 

I approached the lady in the booth and simply asked: "Can i buy you coffee?" (where did that question come from? that came from nowhere) The lady was taken aback, looked at me suspicious and asked what the catch was. I said there was no catch. She looked uneasy. (ok God this is where you come and help me not sound creepy...) I then stated that "Would you like a giftcard instead?" With that, her face became less tense. We told her we would be back. 

A bit later we came back with a giftcard and a pumpkin scone. Her face lit up. She was so shocked and ended up walking out of the booth to give us each a hug.

After a minute of her expressing her thankfulness, one of my team members asked if there was anything we could pray for. She instantly told us about her life and how she was struggling financially. We ended up putting our arms around her and prayed. 

I walked away with so much joy, i even started to laughing. Here we were, college students who had no clue who we would encounter or how to bring up prayer. And here was God who had everything lined up. Earlier i read this quote by Neil Cole, "Rarely in my life have I felt God’s grace exhibited more blatantly. I was set up. From the beginning, every piece was put in place for me to come and make a difference. God did all the rest. In all the rescues (rescuing those who do not know Jesus) we have to make, he orchestrates the situations and choreographs our moves. We are privileged to play a part, but he is the one who does all the heavy lifting.”  My team was willing and available and God used us. We did nothing but obey and walk in the Spirit and not only did He bless her through us but we walked away feeling so much joy because we saw Christ move.

We have decided to make a weekly trip to say hello to her and i pray that God will continue to use us and that she will see Him. 

Today was a great day and proof that He is indeed God. He is Good. He is all-powerful. I feel so much more confident now in asking the simple yet deep question.

How can i pray for you?

more than 2mins...

Today i read Proverbs 2. This is not the first time i have read it.

After reading(...more like skimming through) the passage. i went to close my Bible. i was done reading for the day. But then i paused...

yea, Jesus wanted more than 2mins of my time.

i went back(in the most lagging way possible), and reread the chapter. but this time... i turned the chapter into a first person perspective.



oh boy. Jesus was speaking to ME. The Bible is not just to simply skim through and hope that some fortune cookie wisdom pops out. This Bible...its personal. Full of stories, full of life. and God intended for it to be a way to dive deeper into who He is.


these are the moments when i feel His intimacy.


Intimacy...a word so foreign to me yet i have grown up learning my whole life. Glad i serve a patient God , because i have much much learning to do. Now i am seeing that when i ask "God, let me draw closer to you." or "God-i long to fall in love with you more." this is really me seeking God's intimacy but not throughly understanding what i am asking.


so today as i go about another day at Moody, i will try be aware of God's intimacy around me. How that looks, i have no idea. no idea. But i figure if i am looking to Him and being willing to grow...He will take care of the rest. Psh-God is all-powerful...He is present and intimate. i just need to be looking.

This learning, is all part of the journey.

September 27th: lightbulb...

Jesus Calling really gets me like every time i sit down and read the short piece of writing for the day. Sometimes i cheat and read something from a different day. Today, I did not, i innocently read the September 27th entry and now laugh because it was EXACTLY what i needed to hear. It was worded so well to the point that new  feelings were revealed to me...i love when i can't even identify what is going on in my heart then something comes along, like this book, and a lightbulb goes off. 

"Relax in my everlasting arms. Your weakness is an opportunity to grow strong in awareness of My Almighty Presence. When your energy fails you, do not look inward and lament the lack you find there. Look to Me and My sufficiency; rejoice in My radiant riches that are abundantly available to help you.

Go gently through this day, leaning on Me and enjoying My Presence. Thank me for your neediness, which is building trust bonds between us. If you look back on your journey thus far, you can see that days of extreme weakness have been some of your most precious times. Memories if these days are richly interwoven with golden strands of My intimate Presence."

I just love it all :) I would bold everything...but that would be a bit much. What really stuck out to me was "Thank me for your neediness, which is building trust bonds between us." Yes, i have identified my neediness but i have not thanked Him for it. And heres the thing...if i actually submit and thank him..i'm not being left empty handed. I am walking away trusting the Lord so much more and that is what i have been longing for, for so long.

The last sentence pretty much made me stop, halt, pause, and look back at most of my 2012 memories with a new perspective. He really was present in all of it. all of it. Now...when i look back, those moments are truly sweet. Last week i would have said that this year has been hard, frustrating, and just not my year. But the lightbulb went off. If you ask me now...yea 2012 has not been easy but it has been good. I have grown so much, actually started to understand God's intimacy, and realized walking in the unknown is exactly where God would have me...and im ok with that. 

I've given in God...you know what you are doing. You got this completely under control. 

the before and the after...

One of my favorite tv networks to watch is HGTV. No seriously. Sure i give my dad a hard time when he grabs the remote and we are stuck watching some renovation project for hours...but to be honest, i really like it. I am sure the show is geared to teach men how to build things and i really could care less about that. I am all for watching the Before and Afters. With any project, they always show how bad something is and then show how they change it up to be super awesome. I LOVE seeing what changes and how something old and boring can be taken and recreated to something new and fresh. (side note: I always wanted to be on TLC's Trading Spaces and spent hours creating my dream room. That dream never did happen, but a couple of years ago, my family created my dream room. So i'd says its a win)

Watching a whole entire episode of any show was super great (when mom was the Fun Mom and let us watch something) but then TiVo, Hulu, and Netflix were introduced. And from there...i don't think i have ever watched a full episode of any TLC or HGTV show. I always know that the ending will be awesome because they compare the Before and After to each other and its so fun to see all the changes...but I skip the Middle part entirely.

I joke around saying, "I know God is teaching me so much when I am in the midst of hard situations. But im ready to see the end results." I LOVE LOVE looking back over a season and seeing how much He has worked on my heart and how much i have grown. Comparing a picture of me Before to the me Afterwards gives me a visual that i am really growing. But heres the thing...There is no value in the After when we skip over all the hard work, all the in-between stuff. The progress (or Middle part) to get from one place to another is such an important part and yet far too often it is left in the dust.

I seriously am ok with the hard times, but AFTER everything is done. After that season ends. After a lot of time goes on and i can look back. I hate the Middle part completely. I get tired, drained, and frustrated.

Lucky for me, I have Jesus as my Carpenter, Handyman, Creator, Renovator and as i am tossed back and forth with life circumstances, He is there all the way guiding me and transforming me into what He created me to be.

So instead of hating every minute of the Middle part, i should find joy knowing that i am being renewed and refined for His glory. I feel like once i get to that place, i will appreciate the Before and After so much more.

(btw, picture credit goes to a dear mentor of mine who has made her house remarkably homey and incredibly welcoming. I figured this was better than grabbing some random picture off Google)

rain and washing dishes...

today started out practically pathetic. when you give me a research paper to write the night before then expect me to be a happy morning flower the next morning..ha. i laugh. i am simply not made for research papers let alone writing them way past my bedtime. this morning was stressful, tiring, and long. a nap was highly needed and so welcomed by myself today.

after my nap, i felt a tad bit renewed but low and behold (did i use that saying right??) today was PCM (practical christian missions) day. it takes about 30mins of travel to get to the soup kitchen with my team and when we arrive we set out to prepare yummy food(no i'm serious...the cook is a legit chef). This week i was placed as the dishwasherer.....which if you know me...that is the last place you would find me out. (and once again i sacrificed my wrinkly finger issue) I got into a rhythm and washing the trays became very easy. i started to feel more energized knowing that i was serving in my most comfortable form (behind the scenes). For me, serving behind the scenes gives me a visual that God alone gets the glory and i am His grateful servant ready to take on any opportunity to love people.

as i was cleaning up the tables, one of the helpers asked me my name and after i said it. His reaction took me aback. He got so excited to hear a new name that he had never heard before that he started going around to everyone telling what my name was. For some reason that really encouraged me. Made me feel special and loved. Words mean a lot to me, a lot lot, and to hear my name used with such excitement holds so much value to me. How often do we intentionally bring meaning and value to peoples' names by simply adding that extra emotion??

As we walked back...a rain smell came. you know..that smell that comes right before a nice downpour. Waiting for the train while the rain was pouring down...breathtaking.

I was reenergized today. Why? Because i actually asked God for energy from Him not from myself....and He used my normal circumstances to fill me up.

not ibuprofen this time...

crying. tears. that wet stuff that comes from your eyes. i have never been against it nor do i ever try to avoid it. crying though, does not happen every day for me and when i do get hit with a wall of emotion its usually at the most inconvenient time and every time, yes every time...it catches me off guard. i forget that crying is even an emotion so when i get beads of water rolling down my face i am utterly shocked.

i have many different types of crying. and i think my tears a couple nights ago would be the first time i'd consider it a good cry This cry was not the uncontrollable cry that i had before i left home in August. This cry was not the angry one i had when i found out about a dear family going through something devastating. This cry was not the silent tears while driving home from a long day. This cry was not from the sudden frustrations i found myself in trying to figure out where i belong here at Moody. Im truly amazed by how many different cries i have had over the course of this year.

The cries i have gone through have visually taught me what "brushing things off" does to me emotionally and physically. My tendency during the hard times is not to embrace but to ignore. I don't hand everything to the Lord and my result is sinking in a mud puddle of pain. (where my reaction is always, "again, it happened again?"

So for my good cry. The reason i say that i had a good cry is because im much much closer to being healed. After i cry, usually someone asks if i feel better and i say "yes, i feel much better" but in reality...im fine for only the time being...i usually have another breakdown a couple weeks later. (sorry to all who are blessed with my multiple cries :) ) But this cry... after this cry, i literally felt like i had taken another step in processing through things.

Here comes my cheesy analogy. Most cries are like ibuprofen, they bring relief for some time but the next day there is always the possibility that the pain will come back. Good cries are like some homeopathic medicine where although the results may not be instant, it will most definitely aid you in the healing process. Maybe this only makes sense to me. (side note having nothing to do with my point: i usually make fun of homeopathic medicines calling them "Mom Myths"but in this case, they work in my favor)

So yea, i feel much better now. I recognize my struggle but im embracing them and really looking up to Christ as i am in desperate need of him. My bitterness and hurt have dropped so much and i feel so much more free. Obviously i am still in a process but baby steps :)  I think we all need some good cries in the midst of all the other cries.

worth the wait...

a year and a half later and i am living in my favorite city, loving every minute of being a student at my dream school. my journey to get here has been far from easy. what a year last year. a year that prepared me. a year that really shook me.

i would not replace this last year for a moment and because of the hard year, i am so much more thankful to be where i am now.

what ive learned:

-being rejected 2 times from a school does not mean that they hate you. it means that God just does not have that on the agenda.

-my plans may be awesome but none of them have worked out. and His plans have gone beyond my wildest dreams.

-don't give up when things are hard and there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel

-i really don't trust God like i thought i did

-i was not have been ready for the city last year


and those are just some of the things i learned (the hard way) this last year.

Today i got a job. What a blessing. God knew exactly my needs and provided. Boy its ridiculous how little i think of Him sometimes...like the God of the universe just doesn't understand my financial needs. I am getting new glimpses of how truly personal and intimate he wants to be with me. What a gift that i have so carelessly thrown around. I am so thankful. After i left the job interview, i jumped (literally) with joy. I was just in awe that He was there every step of the way. In my anxiety, meltdowns, doubts, he was there.

a stretching frustration...

I have realized within this past week here at Moody Bible, that i desire for deep relationships more than anything else. I'll pause for a second and explain this last week first though because it has been an amazing week and i am confident that this is exactly where God would have me this year.

Orientation was nothing new to me due to all the summer camps i have worked at and all the new jobs i started. So walking into a college orientation seemed to be like any other. Uh no it wasn't. It was so good. Moody did such a great job at balancing. 400 of us new students got to rule the campus for a few days, which allowed for getting lost to feel less stupid (cause everyone was figuring it out at once). We all were split into groups based on our college experience. I was part of the Transfer group. There was about 20 of us and we were able to go over rules, possible future issues that may arise, etc. I loved that it was a smaller group and the sessions were spread out over a series of days rather than overloading in one day. Orientation was so helpful and definitely feel more at home.

It was a very great week. There were no tears...until today. I hadn't realized how frustrated i had become and my mom brought it to light.

Everywhere that i find myself, whether that be working a summer at Hume Lake or in Fresno or here in Chicago, i jump to building relationships, solid ones, very quickly. I feel like most people don't approach meeting new people with that much intensity, and often i forget that.

I have not connected with anyone from this week really and it really hurts. Because its so ingrained in me to pour into people and build friendships, i expect results rather fast.

What does it really mean to be present with where i am at? To be grateful for where things are at? I honestly don't truly understand that concept i have grown up learning.

I have to learn to enjoy the small things. That one letter i got under my door today to encourage me....may be the only one i get here...and i should be grateful for it. That one church outing with another student may be the last with her...but i should be so thankful for such a fun day. When i get one moment of good, i need to grasp it, soak it up, and be thankful. Period. I need to not take that good thing and look around it hoping to find 10 more behind it.

I would love prayer in patience. to be present. to be thankful for what i have been given. 

last few pages...

It is Sunday. The end of the end...but also beginning of a new book.

Yes... a new book. I know that most people say "a start to a new chapter in life" but each season of my life deserves its own type of book. There are just so many lessons, growing experiences, memories, and people that define each season of my life, making them each individual and unique. Therefore...my life is made up of many books not just one.

My childhood at Hume would be the modern day "Little House on the Prairie" 

High school would have to be a comic book. 

And this last year, my first year of college in Fresno...a novel. 

This novel full of excitements, sadness, triumphs, frustrations...are now coming to a close.

Tomorrow i will be heading to Hume one last time for a while and then taking off on a two week road trip ending up in my new home, Chicago. So many emotions are filling my heart right now and yet i am numb. This week was full of many goodbyes, many moments where i just wanted to quit, many moments where i paused to think that the next year would not be full of family dinners, late night sleepovers with my sister, car rides with my brother, Bible studies with my mom, back rubs from my dad. The familiarness of family won't be quite the same anymore. But, I am so ready to go, to start fresh (and yea i even packed one month before i had to) It's strange putting things to a close.

I just love book series where you are left wondering, left on a cliffhanger as you read the last page of the book. It's exhilarating, opens door for so many possibilities, and makes the story more of value.

Right now im left at a cliffhanger. I am moving across the country to fall more in love with ministry and i have NO idea how much God is going to work on my heart and all the change, unplanned events, and newness that will come my way. I am left wondering right now...how will he use me? Will i adjust to city life? Will i make solid friends? Will i get fat off of Chicago style pizza? Haha, so many questions roaming my head. But i know it is all worth it.

I am beyond excited to see what is on the first page of this next book.

Maybe this new season of my life will be an "Exploration Journal" like how Lewis and Clark documented their travels...or Mountain girl moving to bustling city will make for an awesome movie script or it will just be a ton of one-page short stories...whatever type book this next year turns into...im ready for a brand new one.

Tonight is the last page of my novel of this year.

Tomorrow i begin a new journey. An adventure. Bring it on.

the little things...

What brings me joy, pure happiness, laughter, smiles, and a warm heart on any given day?

-waking up to rain, fog, or opening my window up to hear birds
-turning on music around the house, cleaning with my family while at the same time joking around
-cuddling up with my sister to watch a tv show
-sitting at a coffee shop, headphones in, and either people watching or journaling
-people calling me names other than Ash
-opening the fridge to cold mac and cheese
-making cookie dough with anyone
-playing charades
-receiving a colored drawing from my neighbors
-singing worship alongside people i love
-doing a deep cleaning project for hours (whether at work or at home)
-a long hug
-car rides with my brother
-Christmas time-the music, hot drinks, scarves, fires lit-just all of it :)
-good, enriching, refreshing conversation with my mentors


They are all rather simple i must say, but after yet another frustrating day, i was encouraged to pause and remember what i have been blessed with.

my joyful sis...

My sister is an inspiration. Like seriously. Looking over this past year and a half i have realized just how much she has gone through, and the amount of joy that she has covered herself with.

Last year she shattered her leg the day before vacation (vacation included horseback riding, which she had waited her whole life for). She was stuck in bed the whole time. Her injury entitled her to a surgery that halted all hopes of her traveling to Costa Rica with our church. Her summer resulted in major setbacks and crutches.

In all this...i saw her pull her Bible out more, start carrying out caring conversations with people, and never did i hear her complain. Not once. I truly felt proud to call her my sister then.

But now...now i am overwhelmed by her consistent joyful spirit as she pushed through countless trials. Her leg was just the beginning...

Some time later in the year, her friend group diminished. They left and man did it hurt me to see how unloving people can be. My sister is amazing, how could people just get up and leave like that? Within that, she jumped on board the "Year-long Medical" Train. After being diagnosed with HHT (blood disease that runs in our family) she began schooling online and completed her sophomore year of high school. All she had known, all the normal routines changed completely.

Not once did i hear her complain. Every time i would state how life was just so hard for me she would, in her sarcastic nature, simply tell me how i have nothing to complain about. She had every right to complain, but chose not to. She showed me that her strength was not coming from her but from Jesus and she blew my mind with her optimistic attitude.

Her season of struggle and hardship has seemed to endless but her joy and beauty has risen so high up. The fact that she can say "This is all in God's plan and i am learning a lot" in the midst of all this, astounds me. I usually come to this conclusion way after my hard moment and here she is soaking up each present moment knowing God has a plan for her.

I love my sister so much and am amazed by her talent to make everyone laugh, how her steady hand can paint perfectly straight lines, how her love for animals goes beyond my comprehension. She is precious to me.

i am saddened by the fact that it seems like God is stripping everything away from her. How could God allow her to go through hardships while nothing really terrible has ever happened to me in my life? It's hard to trust the Lord when i watch my amazing and beautiful sister have to go through these things.

I am seeing that God uses everything to teach, guide, challenge, and encourage. He has used her to show me what having a good perspective really means and how we should choose joy in everything.

life rollercoasters...

I get so annoyed with myself in times like this, it’s like im on a never-ending rollercoaster.

You see… I am a roller-coaster girl.  I love love going on them!! I could take long vacations to Disneyland just to ride California Screamin’. I usually describe my life as some sort of rollercoaster too (because I just love them so much!). Rollercoasters have both several ups and downs and I think you need both to make the journey worth it. BUT a 2-3 minute rollercoaster is very different than being on one for hours. Even I, get sick if I ride rollercoasters too long.

This summer has been one of those hour-long rollercoasters. I am sick and tired and just want to get off. I feel like my emotions keep going in loops and right as I get settled down another twist and turn comes my way. I can’t seem to get my feet on the ground. Right when I think i get a short break, i go on yet another loop.

I don’t think my sickness is because all my plans haven’t worked out this year.  (I feel like for a couple months now I’m starting to understand what trusting God means in the midst of chaos, and its been neat to see how much my perspective has changed.) I just think this rollercoaster has gone on way too long for my comfort. I think I am just ready for a new rollercoaster.

I know that God uses the uncomfortable to bring me closer to Him, but I am just ready to run into a new type of uncomfortable (like adjusting to a new city, meeting new people, going to a real school)

It’s been hard to choose joy this summer. My emotions have started to block out what God is doing in my life through the bad and the good. Walking into a new chapter of my life does not mean I am running from my struggles or people, but I want to be able to walk into a new season of life where I will continue to work on things but from a new standpoint.

I want to be able to miss my family, to miss my home here in Fresno. I want to have a fresh appreciation for all that I have and I feel like leaving for a bit will help with that.

In two weeks, this rollercoaster will end. I will be able to take a month break then jump onto a new one in Chicago. So how do I enjoy each moment here even when I feel so drained and sick? 

mammas' sayings...

My momma has many "Momma Sayings"

I have heard her say them my whole life.

They are simply snidbits of Truth bubbled up into catchy, easy sayings. 

Last night, i actually said one of her sayings to a friend. (i am sure i do this often without knowing it) After quoting a famous momma quote, it hit me...what did that quote really mean? I know that we all subconsciously pick up on little quirks/mannerisms/sayings from the people we are around most. But because we live in a fast-faced world, we usually don't pause to think about the things we pick up on, until someone tells us something like "Your sister does that too." I have picked up on many "Momma Sayings" without truly pausing and thinking about the deeper meaning. 

Of course my head started spinning back and forth right before i needed to go to bed. I hate it when i start thinking about awesome things and have to go to sleep. So i put the thought on pause and am now picking back up on it.

So... What are some little wisdom pieces i have held onto from my mom?

The top ones that come to mind: 

"How is your heart?"

"What is the root in all of this?"

"There is a reason behind each person's actions."

"Remember who you are and what you stand for."

"Remember to take your thoughts captive."

"Who is Jesus to you today?" 

"Have you spoken to the Lord about it?"

"How have you seen Jesus today?" 

I hear all of the above daily. I'm amazed by how much my mom desires for me to fall more in love with the God she calls her Powerful Lord. All of these questions/sayings force me to pause and take a look at where i am at in the moment. Usually i am high on emotion and don't want to stop to think. Sometimes i don't pause and give my mom the "robotic answer" that will make the conversation end faster. There i go being human haha. 

Remember to take your thoughts captive.

We have full control of what goes on in our mind. Our mind is the easiest place to linger and be consumed by both good and bad. It is a place where no one else sees. I feel like sin resides more in my head than in other areas of my life. One thought, just one, takes me down many rabbit holes and i find myself getting stuck. My first reaction is to not try. I forget that i have been given the power to have control over my thoughts. I give up and get lazy. I brush off sinful thoughts. (i mean if i never act on my thoughts its ok right....oh yea no...sin is sin) So what does it mean to take my thoughts captive. 

Captive does not mean set free, let roam. Captive means there are boundaries, restrictions. Do i have boundaries...on a good day yes like all people. But on a day where i feel alone, sad, i just let my mind wander carelessly. 

Something to think about. 

loyalty...

I need loyalty. Take away inside jokes. Take away thoughtfulness. Even take away deep conversation. But loyalty...no. This year i have been seeing how much i am driven by loyalty. When friendships and relationships come to a close, sure i will miss making memories but my heart is severed because "loyalty" is not supposed to have an end. Loyalty is the highest compliment i can give a friend because it is one of the most cherished things i hold onto. I have been shocked by how rare it is to find a loyal person.

I joke around that my loyalty kicks in whenever i first meet someone. I automatically sign my life away to that person subconsciously. I don't give myself the option of walking away. I assume i will be their friend no matter what and learn to become a better friend. But in that...i am constantly disappointed. Most people aren't driven by mere loyalty. We each have our own path and i don't think i have come to a place where i am ok not always being in someones life. I strive to keep in contact with everyone i meet and yes it is tiring....but i love it. 

For some people, loyalty is not something they think about. It may not come natural. I have run into many people throughout my life and they always leave me confused and distressed. But i need to remember that everyone is wired differently and if everyone were so completely loyal...we all would have too many friends. 

What i am learning is that although i deeply seek friends who are consistent and loyal, i have been blessed with many other people that are teaching me so much. Yes, i am struggling with loneliness this summer, but thank you Jesus...i have another month of being reminded that i need Him alone and should not cling to loyalty as much as i do now. 

Im ready to move. I am nervous...not for meeting new people but that i will continue to stay in this loyalty cycle ive let consume me. Loyalty is good. It's who i am. But its not everything. 

"best friend"....

So i am going through a James Bible Study with my momma and another lady. This week we had to list the blessings in our lives (to see visually God's blessing in the midst of hard seasons) As i was writing, i got to thinking...

Even though a huge struggle of mine has been to make and keep friendships, i am overwhelmed by how many loyal people have been there for me. I sometimes, actually a lot of the time, get consumed by one perspective and i forget to take a step back to see that i am very very blessed. Although most of the people that have come into my life have been seasonal friendships, there are four people that come to my mind who am i beyond blessed to know. 

An Ashlyn Fact: I hate the term "best friend". I cringe at the sound of it and basically wall up when i hear someone call me it. 

I have four best friends.

Wait did i just use a hated term...how hypocritical of me. And this is where i explain...

When i hear the term "best friend", all the failed friendships pile up and hit me in the face. Since i was wee little, i loved people, loved meeting new friends, loved finding fun ways to love them. And since i was wee little, i also signed my life away to every person i met. My loyalty has been both a refreshing and frustrating characteristic i have. It kicks in every time i extend my hand to meet someone. Over the years i have learned to train my thoughts from "We are going to be such great lifelong friends" to "It is great to meet this person, i will take each day as it comes, and be thankful for where is starts and ends (if it ends up being seasonal)" Anytime a friendship ends, my heart dies a little. And that is not me being dramatic. I feel torn and hurt. I cycle through all the memories and conversations. I question God on the "whys". My thoughts jump back and forth from "fine, i don't need people in my life" to "i will hold onto the friends i still have super, uncomfortably tight" (pretty much an extremist, i know) 

"Best friends" went from a happy, fun concept into an irritating, eye-rolling word. But here i am...19 years later and finally breaking free little by little. Thanks to 4 amazing friends of course. 

These four friends...have accepted me and all my weird quirks and been patient with me as i figured out how to not freak out when "best friends" was spoken to me. Yea, they made fun of me, and i think because of the jokes, slowly i became more apt to accepting it. 

These people, they are family, they are my close group of people who know me inside and out, they know my little mannerisms, they have taught me how to laugh when things don't go my way, they have made life fun, they have challenged me in every area (from dating boys to my walk with Christ), they have redefined "best friends"

I just need to call it what it is. They are my best friends. 

Not many people get to say they have two girls and two guys who support them and love them no matter what. Friendships in general have been quite a roller coaster for me. No i did not grow up being best friends with any of them. 

This One: started based on hatred 

This One: started based on meaningless inside jokes

This One: started because of of forced interactions

This One: started because my Hume-kid-awkwardness eventually wore off on him

After all these years these four friends...are still here. After everything. This is proof that first interactions, first several years, first memories...later become funny stories for strong and deep friendships.

my kiss...

I think i am going to just officially state this in my blog, to make it official haha.

I am saving my first kiss.

For many people who know me, this is a fact they have known for a long while. yes, i am basically being a nun, but with pretty awesome reasons i would say. Watch, im probably a naturally good kisser and am just super sweet to save it for one lucky man....ok not really. I could care less honestly haha. Anyway...i want to be able to tell my future husband that i waited for him and i am giving him the whole package. (you are welcome future husband... :D ) 

lets pause fore a moment. if making out with every boy that i went out with glorified God and was selfless, then i would make out all day long. believe me! But in reality...kissing is something special and not something that should be tossed around. after being in one relationship, i can safely say i don't think its impossible to save it for the right time. although it's not always easy, it is doable.  

so the right time....

which is when....?

As i previously mentioned, i said, "I am saving my first kiss." About a year ago, i would have added "...till my wedding day." at the end. But that has changed. say what??? Ashlyn, you are going back on your promise?! Shame on you! 

Uh well kinda...and no i didn't change it because i dated a boy. I started thinking about it and at the end of the day my main reason i chose to save my first kiss is to glorify and respect my future boyfriend who may or may not become my husband. 

Sure saving my first kiss for my wedding day would go above and beyond (and be super nun-like haha)....but i started to be motivated by "i will prove everyone who thinks i can't do it, wrong" thoughts. which is pretty lame. i am competitive and like to prove people wrong who don't believe in me...but relationships aren't card games.  So i am keeping it simple now.

I am saving my first kiss.

for when? i don't know.

but all i know is i will probably kiss my man before my wedding day....probably, hopefully. actually, i am not worried really about the "when" because i think i will be more focused on how i can love and serve and build him up...that's just how i am i guess. i really can't wait to kiss, but i will still wait.

I want to make sure any relationship i am in, is centered on Christ and if my man falls in love with who i am, then the kiss will be a fun bonus (of course this kiss will be happening later on, not in like the first month of dating or when we first say "i love you"...i guess when we both want to spend the rest of our lives together) 

so that is all...just wanted to give and update on my 19yr old unkissed self.