the little things...

What brings me joy, pure happiness, laughter, smiles, and a warm heart on any given day?

-waking up to rain, fog, or opening my window up to hear birds
-turning on music around the house, cleaning with my family while at the same time joking around
-cuddling up with my sister to watch a tv show
-sitting at a coffee shop, headphones in, and either people watching or journaling
-people calling me names other than Ash
-opening the fridge to cold mac and cheese
-making cookie dough with anyone
-playing charades
-receiving a colored drawing from my neighbors
-singing worship alongside people i love
-doing a deep cleaning project for hours (whether at work or at home)
-a long hug
-car rides with my brother
-Christmas time-the music, hot drinks, scarves, fires lit-just all of it :)
-good, enriching, refreshing conversation with my mentors


They are all rather simple i must say, but after yet another frustrating day, i was encouraged to pause and remember what i have been blessed with.

my joyful sis...

My sister is an inspiration. Like seriously. Looking over this past year and a half i have realized just how much she has gone through, and the amount of joy that she has covered herself with.

Last year she shattered her leg the day before vacation (vacation included horseback riding, which she had waited her whole life for). She was stuck in bed the whole time. Her injury entitled her to a surgery that halted all hopes of her traveling to Costa Rica with our church. Her summer resulted in major setbacks and crutches.

In all this...i saw her pull her Bible out more, start carrying out caring conversations with people, and never did i hear her complain. Not once. I truly felt proud to call her my sister then.

But now...now i am overwhelmed by her consistent joyful spirit as she pushed through countless trials. Her leg was just the beginning...

Some time later in the year, her friend group diminished. They left and man did it hurt me to see how unloving people can be. My sister is amazing, how could people just get up and leave like that? Within that, she jumped on board the "Year-long Medical" Train. After being diagnosed with HHT (blood disease that runs in our family) she began schooling online and completed her sophomore year of high school. All she had known, all the normal routines changed completely.

Not once did i hear her complain. Every time i would state how life was just so hard for me she would, in her sarcastic nature, simply tell me how i have nothing to complain about. She had every right to complain, but chose not to. She showed me that her strength was not coming from her but from Jesus and she blew my mind with her optimistic attitude.

Her season of struggle and hardship has seemed to endless but her joy and beauty has risen so high up. The fact that she can say "This is all in God's plan and i am learning a lot" in the midst of all this, astounds me. I usually come to this conclusion way after my hard moment and here she is soaking up each present moment knowing God has a plan for her.

I love my sister so much and am amazed by her talent to make everyone laugh, how her steady hand can paint perfectly straight lines, how her love for animals goes beyond my comprehension. She is precious to me.

i am saddened by the fact that it seems like God is stripping everything away from her. How could God allow her to go through hardships while nothing really terrible has ever happened to me in my life? It's hard to trust the Lord when i watch my amazing and beautiful sister have to go through these things.

I am seeing that God uses everything to teach, guide, challenge, and encourage. He has used her to show me what having a good perspective really means and how we should choose joy in everything.

life rollercoasters...

I get so annoyed with myself in times like this, it’s like im on a never-ending rollercoaster.

You see… I am a roller-coaster girl.  I love love going on them!! I could take long vacations to Disneyland just to ride California Screamin’. I usually describe my life as some sort of rollercoaster too (because I just love them so much!). Rollercoasters have both several ups and downs and I think you need both to make the journey worth it. BUT a 2-3 minute rollercoaster is very different than being on one for hours. Even I, get sick if I ride rollercoasters too long.

This summer has been one of those hour-long rollercoasters. I am sick and tired and just want to get off. I feel like my emotions keep going in loops and right as I get settled down another twist and turn comes my way. I can’t seem to get my feet on the ground. Right when I think i get a short break, i go on yet another loop.

I don’t think my sickness is because all my plans haven’t worked out this year.  (I feel like for a couple months now I’m starting to understand what trusting God means in the midst of chaos, and its been neat to see how much my perspective has changed.) I just think this rollercoaster has gone on way too long for my comfort. I think I am just ready for a new rollercoaster.

I know that God uses the uncomfortable to bring me closer to Him, but I am just ready to run into a new type of uncomfortable (like adjusting to a new city, meeting new people, going to a real school)

It’s been hard to choose joy this summer. My emotions have started to block out what God is doing in my life through the bad and the good. Walking into a new chapter of my life does not mean I am running from my struggles or people, but I want to be able to walk into a new season of life where I will continue to work on things but from a new standpoint.

I want to be able to miss my family, to miss my home here in Fresno. I want to have a fresh appreciation for all that I have and I feel like leaving for a bit will help with that.

In two weeks, this rollercoaster will end. I will be able to take a month break then jump onto a new one in Chicago. So how do I enjoy each moment here even when I feel so drained and sick? 

mammas' sayings...

My momma has many "Momma Sayings"

I have heard her say them my whole life.

They are simply snidbits of Truth bubbled up into catchy, easy sayings. 

Last night, i actually said one of her sayings to a friend. (i am sure i do this often without knowing it) After quoting a famous momma quote, it hit me...what did that quote really mean? I know that we all subconsciously pick up on little quirks/mannerisms/sayings from the people we are around most. But because we live in a fast-faced world, we usually don't pause to think about the things we pick up on, until someone tells us something like "Your sister does that too." I have picked up on many "Momma Sayings" without truly pausing and thinking about the deeper meaning. 

Of course my head started spinning back and forth right before i needed to go to bed. I hate it when i start thinking about awesome things and have to go to sleep. So i put the thought on pause and am now picking back up on it.

So... What are some little wisdom pieces i have held onto from my mom?

The top ones that come to mind: 

"How is your heart?"

"What is the root in all of this?"

"There is a reason behind each person's actions."

"Remember who you are and what you stand for."

"Remember to take your thoughts captive."

"Who is Jesus to you today?" 

"Have you spoken to the Lord about it?"

"How have you seen Jesus today?" 

I hear all of the above daily. I'm amazed by how much my mom desires for me to fall more in love with the God she calls her Powerful Lord. All of these questions/sayings force me to pause and take a look at where i am at in the moment. Usually i am high on emotion and don't want to stop to think. Sometimes i don't pause and give my mom the "robotic answer" that will make the conversation end faster. There i go being human haha. 

Remember to take your thoughts captive.

We have full control of what goes on in our mind. Our mind is the easiest place to linger and be consumed by both good and bad. It is a place where no one else sees. I feel like sin resides more in my head than in other areas of my life. One thought, just one, takes me down many rabbit holes and i find myself getting stuck. My first reaction is to not try. I forget that i have been given the power to have control over my thoughts. I give up and get lazy. I brush off sinful thoughts. (i mean if i never act on my thoughts its ok right....oh yea no...sin is sin) So what does it mean to take my thoughts captive. 

Captive does not mean set free, let roam. Captive means there are boundaries, restrictions. Do i have boundaries...on a good day yes like all people. But on a day where i feel alone, sad, i just let my mind wander carelessly. 

Something to think about. 

loyalty...

I need loyalty. Take away inside jokes. Take away thoughtfulness. Even take away deep conversation. But loyalty...no. This year i have been seeing how much i am driven by loyalty. When friendships and relationships come to a close, sure i will miss making memories but my heart is severed because "loyalty" is not supposed to have an end. Loyalty is the highest compliment i can give a friend because it is one of the most cherished things i hold onto. I have been shocked by how rare it is to find a loyal person.

I joke around that my loyalty kicks in whenever i first meet someone. I automatically sign my life away to that person subconsciously. I don't give myself the option of walking away. I assume i will be their friend no matter what and learn to become a better friend. But in that...i am constantly disappointed. Most people aren't driven by mere loyalty. We each have our own path and i don't think i have come to a place where i am ok not always being in someones life. I strive to keep in contact with everyone i meet and yes it is tiring....but i love it. 

For some people, loyalty is not something they think about. It may not come natural. I have run into many people throughout my life and they always leave me confused and distressed. But i need to remember that everyone is wired differently and if everyone were so completely loyal...we all would have too many friends. 

What i am learning is that although i deeply seek friends who are consistent and loyal, i have been blessed with many other people that are teaching me so much. Yes, i am struggling with loneliness this summer, but thank you Jesus...i have another month of being reminded that i need Him alone and should not cling to loyalty as much as i do now. 

Im ready to move. I am nervous...not for meeting new people but that i will continue to stay in this loyalty cycle ive let consume me. Loyalty is good. It's who i am. But its not everything.