a thing called online classes

its only day two and IM LOVING it!!!!!! the grind is not officially my classroom and im so happy im already connecting with my other classmates whom i hope to meet in a year. i didnt think hours a day in God's word knowing im not only pursuing my dreams but also growing in my relationship with Him. Learned a new word today: hermeneutical- to make clear, interpret. go me! and one of the top things i got out of reading today. "The value of this doctrine (He doesn’t change) is enormous: since God does not change, His love and His promise forever remain certain. For example, He will never change concerning His promise in John 3:16" Didn't know theology would interest me so much. :) This has been one of the happier days of the year!

i vocalize...and yet

i vocalize how much honesty means to me and yet i look straight into my best friend's eyes, say nothing, my eyes lying saying im hiding something

i vocalize that talking things out makes processing easier and yet when someone is willing to listen i bottle up and shut the door on them.

i vocalize forgive and show grace and yet im constantly bitter or jealous and cant move past my pity party

i vocalize that im confident and thankful for who God made me to be and yet i look in the mirror thinking God could have done better

i vocalize that i dont have friends and yet who comes to my house to make sure im ok when i walked away from them

i vocalize that i do everything for Christ and that he will use me and yet i look for acceptance in my friends and family

i vocalize that i love to love people and yet i have a hard time loving the people Gods placed in my life because they don't meet my expectations

i vocalize that ive given up control and yet i keep my room messing and clean it up on MY time to show that i can control something even if its small

i vocalize that i love my sister hanging out with my friends but because i seek acceptance im always doubting and hoping i dont become plan B

i vocalize that God is growing me daily and yet i feel like im in the same place as i was 4yrs ago

i am in need of Christ and the message tonight got me hard. im overwhelmed by life and i havent even paused to talk to God. i think God is using my own self as a desert so that i will turn to him for a "just enough" dose of what he gives me whatever taht may be. (exodus 16)