i vocalize...and yet

i vocalize how much honesty means to me and yet i look straight into my best friend's eyes, say nothing, my eyes lying saying im hiding something

i vocalize that talking things out makes processing easier and yet when someone is willing to listen i bottle up and shut the door on them.

i vocalize forgive and show grace and yet im constantly bitter or jealous and cant move past my pity party

i vocalize that im confident and thankful for who God made me to be and yet i look in the mirror thinking God could have done better

i vocalize that i dont have friends and yet who comes to my house to make sure im ok when i walked away from them

i vocalize that i do everything for Christ and that he will use me and yet i look for acceptance in my friends and family

i vocalize that i love to love people and yet i have a hard time loving the people Gods placed in my life because they don't meet my expectations

i vocalize that ive given up control and yet i keep my room messing and clean it up on MY time to show that i can control something even if its small

i vocalize that i love my sister hanging out with my friends but because i seek acceptance im always doubting and hoping i dont become plan B

i vocalize that God is growing me daily and yet i feel like im in the same place as i was 4yrs ago

i am in need of Christ and the message tonight got me hard. im overwhelmed by life and i havent even paused to talk to God. i think God is using my own self as a desert so that i will turn to him for a "just enough" dose of what he gives me whatever taht may be. (exodus 16)