grace...

it's super fantastic that i go to a school i absolutely love and are in classes that have impacted me in so many areas of my life. i read this the other day and really, really loved it. Sometimes i am unable to articulate thoughts and emotions, beliefs, memories. Lucky for us, we have great writers in this world who are able to capture what we cannot at times.

This is my life. This is what i constantly fall into.

"Sooner or later we are confronted with the painful truth of our inadequacy and insufficiency. Our security is shattered and our bootstraps are cut. 
Once the fervor (intense and passionate feeling) has passed, weakness and infidelity appear. 
We discover our inability to even add a single inch to our spiritual stature. 
There begins a long winter of discontent that eventually flowers into gloom, pessimism, and subtle despair-subtle because it goes unrecognized, unnoticed, and therefore unchallenged. It takes the form of boredom, drudgery. We are overcome by the ordinariness of life, by daily duties done over and over again. We secretly admit that the call of Jesus is just too demanding, that surrender to the Spirit is beyond our reach. We start acting like everyone else. Life takes a joyless, empty quality...our huffing and puffing to impress God, our scrambling for brownie points, our thrashing about trying to fix ourselves while hiding our pettiness and wallowing in guilt are nauseating to God and and are a flat out denial of the Gospel of grace." -Brennan Manning 

I laughed after i read that thinking "that is so me." 

The author also captured an aspect of Grace i had never thought about before, which was super challenging. 

"Grace strikes us when we are in great pain and restlessness. It strikes us when we walk through the dark valley of a meaningless and empty life...It strikes us when, year after year, the longed-for perfection does not appear, when the old compulsions reign within us as they have for decades, when despair destroys all joy and courage. Sometimes in that moment a wave of light breaks into our darkness, and it is as though a verse were saying, "You are accepted. You are accepted, accepted by that which is greater than you, and the name of which you do not know. Do not ask for the name now; perhaps you will find it later. Do not try to do anything now; perhaps later you will do much. Do not seek for anything, do not perform anything, do not intend anything. Simply accept the fact that you are accepted." If that happens to us, we experience grace." -Paul Tillich

being present...

It is interesting how challenging a distant tragedy can be. I did not expect my heart to be stretched and hit with simple truths because of this. 

On Saturday, a Moody student passed away. 

I did not know him, so it did not immediately affect me. But his memorial service was this morning and man it was moving, challenging, and joyful. 

A thought dawned on me. It is times like these where, in a moment, knowledge transitions to understanding.

My days are numbered.

They are already planned out.

The creator of this universe knows EXACTLY the when, where, why, and how to my death here on Earth.

And yet...

I continue to live my life as if i have all the time in the world.

I rush past moments quickly in order to see the memory behind me.

And although it is nice to see how far i have come in life, i get sucked into the then and will soon be...forgetting that there is the now. The present.

This student was blessed with 18 years. To many, that is a short life. But his time here was complete. God used him and although he is no longer here on earth, God is continuing to use him. Whether i live to be 19 and 364 days or 99 years old, my perspective has got to change.

my life is in God's hands. my life. everything. i can't even fathom that. He has COMPLETE control and power over everything...including my life. The Almighty God has had my "end date" written down before i was in existence giving me full assurance that He knows what He is doing.

but i don't seem to be living in that truth...

I should not care when i die. but i do... i busy my life because i only have one life to live and i forget that if im obedient God will use me to my fullest. but i find myself telling God that i'm not done with serving people here on earth so i just have to live till im old. but His mission does not just consist of Team Solo Ashlyn. i am not the main part of His plan- i am simply one of many who is being used by Him. and that is such an incredible gift. but my concern should not be the "whens" of God's Plan in my life. it should be focused on doing everything i can to better the kingdom with the time he has given me.

I need to be present. present

Micah's time here at Moody was limited, but in that short time, he impacted many people, challenged them, encouraged them. Have i been doing all that i can to love those around me?

I overcomplicate life i think. Micah lived in love and it was evident to those around him. Love does not have to be complex. So what are the little things i am doing throughout my day to lift everything up to Jesus in gratitude for another day here on earth? Each day is another opportunity to love. am i doing that? or am i making plans to love people?

be present. take each day as it comes.
application. that is the next step for me.

too intense i guess...

who would have thought that what i love, would be turned against me?
who would have thought that who i am, would also become a hindrance? 
who would have thought that even there are bumps within bumps in a journey?

it's kind of funny how areas of growth i have been working through personally all year have become many reasons behind opportunities that are closed off to me. God has been working on me SO much in many areas of my life, but it's interesting how, just because i have identified some areas of growth and have actively taken steps at working towards being refined, i still am running into halting walls where i am unable to obtain the opportunities on the other side.

i walked onto campus this year excited for a fresh start, unable to see beyond my circumstances. and once again nothing went to plan. i ended up needing two jobs (instead of one), i ended up being in classes that someone else has signed me up for, and my new friends i had been looking forward to, didn't come into my life after two weeks (did Jesus forget to tell my new friends (who i hadn't met yet) that i was on campus ready to meet them? haha). i didn't even expect to bring some unresolved situations from home over here to chicago. my struggle to be present yet deal with my circumstances was a daily battle. but all those things were just a knick in my tidied up plans.

the one huge shocker that caught me from under my feet and left me speechless, was the fact that i had successfully scared away my roommate. 

That's right. scared away.

Within one week, i had severed any and all bonds between me and the new girl living with me that would have made friendship possible.

How was it that what i loved to do most (love people, get to know who they are, and all that deep stuff) bit me in the face and slapped my heart around a a few times? who would have thought that what i love would be turned against me?


how did i let this happen? was it just because we were two different people? was it because she just was a mean person? i spent most of last semester struggling through so many questions, rustling with God. Why would he allow my very own passion to eat at me? how much longer could i handle the akward silence, the tension, the unspoken thoughts that appeared on our faces?

God really stripped me last semester in what it meant to let go, let go of the fact that i don't have to be liked by every single person, let go of the fact that i can't please everyone in my life.

long story short: God restored and redeemed the relationship between me and my roommate. what a blessing she is to me, even in the hard season last semester, i have been challenged and strengthened in so many ways. (but this post is not about her, so i need to move on)

I have always been told that I am not a very surfacey person. I really have a hard time keeping small talk. I am just so much more interested in the person's heart rather than what they ate for dinner. Soon after i observed that my roommate may have been scared off by me, i started to process through the "whys". I soon figured out it's because of my deep passion to love people with everything that i am, i forget not everyone is wired the same way. Quickly, i saw that students here handle relationships in many different ways and at first i truly thought they were all wrong. (But we are all learning what it even means to be a friend. So that thought diminished from my prideful mind.) I finally observed that i am, simply put, a very intense person. and that means i don't do well at easing into things or at slowly becoming friends with someone. who would have thought that who i am, would also become a hindrance? Without knowing it, i was steering people away. After talking to my mentors, i decided it was about time to work through it.

and what a journey it has and still continues to be in this season. what did i get myself into? oh right, this is just another way to draw closer to Jesus and grow in who He created me to be.

yesterday, i took the opportunity to sit down with a Moody Staff member and talk over the reasoning behind not getting into the RA program i had wanted so much to be a part of. It was hard to walk into a conversation not knowing what would be said while trying to maintain a teachable spirit. It was a very good but hard conversation to have. I am still processing through some frustrations, but i do see that it really was not what God has in store for me next year. And because that fact is evident, i have given myself the freedom to work through the emotions that come with being rejected from a super awesome program. 

the reason i did not make it in was because: my personality and passions  were too intense. after a whole semester of trying to ease off, to be told that the reason i did not make it in was the one thing i had already been working on, man that hit so hard. who would have thought that even there are bumps within bumps in a journey? The two areas i was encouraged to grow in (were my weaknesses that i had listed in the application): my inability to be flexible all the time and my overbearing desire for deep relationships. I could have easily written down other weaknesses of mine. And i wonder...would the results have been different? I could have put that i am sometimes messy or that i get quiet when i am stressed out. It is hard to acknowledge the fact that the struggles i shared honestly, were ones i was actively working through, and those struggles, were what disqualified me. 

As i said earlier, it was not in God's agenda for me, and i do trust He is doing Good in my life, but it's just not fun to run into more bumps in the road as i am already working through some bumps personally in my life. 


I have an interview tomorrow for another program. I will be ok if i don't make it in. But my confidence in the interview itself has completely diminished. How will i balance who i am in a professional way and yet be completely genuine and honest?

dwelling...

tradition, home, consistency, -basically my words that i can't shut up about. last year was a full year. a good year. but not a traditional, homey, or consistent year. Jesus stripped me away from comfort and plans and it messed with me. but i am so thankful for it all. my word for last year might as well be trust. and even though i am still learning what trusting Him means, i may have a new word.

dwell. dwelling in the Lord. what does that even mean? instantly, words like resting, enjoying, soaking up, being held come to mind...comfort words. So even though many aspects of my life was stripped of comfort, i have a Lord of Comfort beside me who i get the opportunity to know personally; who is consistent, unchanging, home. He is the very essence of the words that i can't stop talking/blogging about and yet my focus is not on him. I seek it elsewhere. because i am human. Because Satan knows my faults and sin issues and nudges me a bit in the Perspective area. It's amazing how one little shift in perspective can completely take the focus off of the only Worthy thing in life and make me trip on my feet of pride and desire for control because my eyes are solely on myself.

i am beginning to work through something i have been processing through for almost a year now and Jesus graced in answering some prayers that have helped me walk in the direction of being healed. although this circumstance has had closure, but my heart has not. 

so how to i "let go"? what is the next step? 

to dwell. to rest in Jesus. that would mean me, ashlyn, would have to not plan, not try to control....i have no idea the first thing about letting something go. it's so funny to see God place me in the very place that is complete opposite of who i am.  

what i have learned though, is that i can't be focused on the fact that "letting go" of something will take time (a long time), or that the answer is not found in a step by step plan. i just need to dwell. it's as simple as that...yet as complicated as i am making it...because i have really no idea what dwelling looks like. but it's a new year...another year to figure Jesus out more :) may this one be full of Him again. whether my word ends up being "dwell" or whatever else, i am ready to learn, grow, and fall in His gracious arms daily.