So maybe i am supposed to be doing school right now. But thank you laptop- you make me look im being really productive when in reality...im not. I am listening to background music (you know that music where you feel like you are in a flowery meadow running or looking down from a window smiling at a loved one, like music that i wished would follow me everywhere and could "narrate" my life based on what happens in my day) Across from me is Marcus, he is reading his Bible and journaling (can you say attractive. yes.) There are some diverse people groups surrounding this table i am sitting at. Some catching up with life, some talking about nerdy stuff, and the rest...not quite sure. Oh the feeling of a coffee shop :) I feel tired (still getting over my sickness) but i feel good.
What was your favorite food when you were a child?
Peaches- YUM!!!!
What’s the #1 most played song on your iPod?
Well i don't have an ipod at the moment but on itunes: Ships in the Night by Mat Kearney, weird that's not even my favorite song right now.
What is one of your favorite quotes?
Well im a sucker for cheesy love quotes but at the moment the one i like (non love like) would have to be. "You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him."
What’s your favorite indoor/outdoor activity?
Indoor: laying in my bed to be honest
Outdoor: water balloon fights
What chore do you absolutely hate doing?
The dishes. Oh how i hate my hands getting wet!!!
What is your favorite form of exercise?
It used to be running. I do miss swim. I'd have to say biking now.
What is your favorite time of day/day of the week/month of the year?
Time: 8am
Day: Saturday
Month: December (Christmas SEASON!!!)
What sound do you love?
Rain. Lawn movers. Laughter. Fire Crackling.
Ok i guess ill get back to school now :)
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Monday, March 26, 2012
a thing called trust...
So I just spent quite a bit of time coming up with a really good analogy to convey what is going on in my mind but when i reread it....i got frustrated. It didn't work. My visual example of what is going on in my head just didn't work. I am now at step 1 once again. I guess a simple blog post will have to suffice.
I don't think i am just sick because of lack of sleep.
I don't want to be around people.
I don't want to go to work.
I don't want to do school.
But why?
Because every time I feel pressure about something i freak out. I overanalyze. I wall up. I push away.
I don't rest in His arms. I don't find peace.
I just go throughout my day feeling sick.
I have tried to talk to people about this. (What I am going to do this fall) But you know, at the end of the day, it's a me and Jesus thing. Well actually it is a Jesus thing. (i need to be fully surrendered to Him...but i am not to be honest) Talking it out has not helped me process or helped me breath.
In two weeks, by April 15th, i will receive a letter in the mail. This will be the third and last letter I get from Moody Bible Institute.
Options:
Letter says No
-I will apply to the Pink House
-I will continue to work at Bath and Body works
-I will continue to love on my Jr. High girls
-I will go to a community college
-I will look at other ministry training programs
Letter says Yes
-I will go Moody Bible
-I will say no
-If i say no, i will apply to the Pink House
-If i say no, i will look at going overseas short term
The letter is not God's answer....well its not a clear and direct answer at least. I do not feel at rest with either possible answer. I am looking more at staying here in Fresno...but am i doing it for the right reasons? I am comfortable here. I have community here. I have a boyfriend here. I have my family and a job I love. Maybe God is calling me to leave that. To go into the unknown.
Or maybe i am supposed to be here. To continue doing ministry here. I know I said it's comfortable to live here in fresno and i know we are not called to live a comfortable life...but i think it is all in perspective. I mean when i sit back and look at my life right now....there are a ton of things that kind of suck right now but because my mentality has shifted, i would consider my life comfortable. I feel like in order to grow and be challenged i have to do something, be open to, or allow God to place me in the midst of something i am not comfortable with, but that doesn't mean live an uncomfortable life. There are so many things i am uncomfortable with, like speaking in front of people. But me trying to work on speaking does not make my whole life uncomfortable, it just is a small thing that will challenge and grow me to desire the God of the universe. I feel like you can live a comfortable life in the midst of uncomfortable circumstances. It's just all in perspective. I don't think my reason to leave Fresno should be because i live a comfortable life. My motivation should not be based solely on my circumstances. I don't know if that makes sense.
All in all....i have basically three short weeks to make a decision that will affect the rest of my life. I am up for the adventure....but to be honest i am not fond of this journey to get to the adventure at the moment. I really do need to trust Him.And i know looking back i will be thankful but i also need to be thankful now. right now in the midst of not knowing.
I don't think i am just sick because of lack of sleep.
I don't want to be around people.
I don't want to go to work.
I don't want to do school.
But why?
Because every time I feel pressure about something i freak out. I overanalyze. I wall up. I push away.
I don't rest in His arms. I don't find peace.
I just go throughout my day feeling sick.
I have tried to talk to people about this. (What I am going to do this fall) But you know, at the end of the day, it's a me and Jesus thing. Well actually it is a Jesus thing. (i need to be fully surrendered to Him...but i am not to be honest) Talking it out has not helped me process or helped me breath.
In two weeks, by April 15th, i will receive a letter in the mail. This will be the third and last letter I get from Moody Bible Institute.
Options:
Letter says No
-I will apply to the Pink House
-I will continue to work at Bath and Body works
-I will continue to love on my Jr. High girls
-I will go to a community college
-I will look at other ministry training programs
Letter says Yes
-I will go Moody Bible
-I will say no
-If i say no, i will apply to the Pink House
-If i say no, i will look at going overseas short term
The letter is not God's answer....well its not a clear and direct answer at least. I do not feel at rest with either possible answer. I am looking more at staying here in Fresno...but am i doing it for the right reasons? I am comfortable here. I have community here. I have a boyfriend here. I have my family and a job I love. Maybe God is calling me to leave that. To go into the unknown.
Or maybe i am supposed to be here. To continue doing ministry here. I know I said it's comfortable to live here in fresno and i know we are not called to live a comfortable life...but i think it is all in perspective. I mean when i sit back and look at my life right now....there are a ton of things that kind of suck right now but because my mentality has shifted, i would consider my life comfortable. I feel like in order to grow and be challenged i have to do something, be open to, or allow God to place me in the midst of something i am not comfortable with, but that doesn't mean live an uncomfortable life. There are so many things i am uncomfortable with, like speaking in front of people. But me trying to work on speaking does not make my whole life uncomfortable, it just is a small thing that will challenge and grow me to desire the God of the universe. I feel like you can live a comfortable life in the midst of uncomfortable circumstances. It's just all in perspective. I don't think my reason to leave Fresno should be because i live a comfortable life. My motivation should not be based solely on my circumstances. I don't know if that makes sense.
All in all....i have basically three short weeks to make a decision that will affect the rest of my life. I am up for the adventure....but to be honest i am not fond of this journey to get to the adventure at the moment. I really do need to trust Him.And i know looking back i will be thankful but i also need to be thankful now. right now in the midst of not knowing.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
oh happy day...
i feel...i feel happy.
....yea happy.
what a surfacey word.
a word i don't use too often (not because im not feeling that way, but because the word "happy" has a childish and dreamy ring to it). As i have grown older i began to use words like "joy" and "contentment" to express what i was feeling instead of the simple word "happy". Yes i know...joy and contentment are so much deeper than being happy (different post for a different day) but today my focus is on HAPPY.
I felt like a kid,
opening my eyes this morning to a nice cool morning.
the feeling of being alive running through my veins.
hearing the birds enjoying morning conversations.
the smell of my peach Bellini wallflower scent.
i felt happy. i haven't felt happy since my formal dance last year. maybe i tried to grow up too much. maybe i became too serious and jumped over being happy.
today was a typical day- spent time doing laundry, taking out the trash. went to a store meeting. took kylen to the movies. grabbed a slushie. brought marcus one too. hung out for a little bit with a friend. facetimed my old youth pastor. went to church. heard a fantastic sermon-sat next to old high school friends. went to dinner with Janelle. had super good conversation. and now sitting relaxed on my couch, listening to music. As i did all those things i was happy. i even felt a little bit hyper. i had energy all day. i feel like i didn't have to choose to have a fresh perspective- it just came.
days like these are sooo great. sooo refreshing.
i felt just great to be able to live life today. im so thankful for today. today i got to include Jesus in all that i did- how awesome to have a God who wants to be a part of my day. At church i felt cute, comfortable, and enjoyed my long hair. i didn't care what others thought or said to me (i guess i was not high in harmonizer haha) ...i just felt like i was in a cloud. maybe that was a but random but im trying to convey how happy i was today, and still am!
not sure if people feel this way anymore.happy. have we forgotten to just enjoy life? to smile literally for no reason? to look up at the stars and find imaginary pictures and pretend to be all scientific(when really we aren't)? to eat a cookie and say yum?
i feel like the small things in life (like hanging out with friends for a bit, eating a cookie, or feeling cute) are reasons to just smile and just be happy.
....yea happy.
what a surfacey word.
a word i don't use too often (not because im not feeling that way, but because the word "happy" has a childish and dreamy ring to it). As i have grown older i began to use words like "joy" and "contentment" to express what i was feeling instead of the simple word "happy". Yes i know...joy and contentment are so much deeper than being happy (different post for a different day) but today my focus is on HAPPY.
I felt like a kid,
opening my eyes this morning to a nice cool morning.
the feeling of being alive running through my veins.
hearing the birds enjoying morning conversations.
the smell of my peach Bellini wallflower scent.
i felt happy. i haven't felt happy since my formal dance last year. maybe i tried to grow up too much. maybe i became too serious and jumped over being happy.
today was a typical day- spent time doing laundry, taking out the trash. went to a store meeting. took kylen to the movies. grabbed a slushie. brought marcus one too. hung out for a little bit with a friend. facetimed my old youth pastor. went to church. heard a fantastic sermon-sat next to old high school friends. went to dinner with Janelle. had super good conversation. and now sitting relaxed on my couch, listening to music. As i did all those things i was happy. i even felt a little bit hyper. i had energy all day. i feel like i didn't have to choose to have a fresh perspective- it just came.
days like these are sooo great. sooo refreshing.
i felt just great to be able to live life today. im so thankful for today. today i got to include Jesus in all that i did- how awesome to have a God who wants to be a part of my day. At church i felt cute, comfortable, and enjoyed my long hair. i didn't care what others thought or said to me (i guess i was not high in harmonizer haha) ...i just felt like i was in a cloud. maybe that was a but random but im trying to convey how happy i was today, and still am!
not sure if people feel this way anymore.happy. have we forgotten to just enjoy life? to smile literally for no reason? to look up at the stars and find imaginary pictures and pretend to be all scientific(when really we aren't)? to eat a cookie and say yum?
i feel like the small things in life (like hanging out with friends for a bit, eating a cookie, or feeling cute) are reasons to just smile and just be happy.
simply answering questions...
I fell onto a website while i was stumbling (www.stumbleupon.com). There were a ton of "get to know you" questions and i felt the need to answer some. :) Back in jr. high it was always fun to send emails (back when Gmail was a huge deal) back and forth and answer questions like, "When did you wake up today?" or 'When was the last time you laughed." I miss those days of simplicity. I have some extra time today, so i want to just answer a few questions. I want to go back to being a jr. high girl just for a little bit here in this post and have a blast answering really random but awesome questions :)
What is your favorite type of art?
I have watched movies where the guy takes the girl on a cute date to an art gallery. They stand there mesmerized by abstract paint strokes. Then they look at each other and smile, just floating in a cloud. Sure the movies are great but to be honest....if i were to go into a gallery. ha. i just don't have appreciation for that art. Now lets say If i were in a movie, the guy would take the girl (me) for a nice walk downtown on an adventure to find amazing art. Graffiti. yes graffiti. oh how i wish that artwork could transfer onto a canvas. i love going on car trips and looking out the window as a train passes by. While my siblings count how many train cars there are, my eyes are captured on the spray paint so magically placed on the metal walls. Graffiti makes me want to be a hip hop dancer all the more....but that's just a side note. so my favorite type of art would have to be GRAFFITI.
Have you ever seen a broadway musical? Do you like theater?
In New York i got to see Phantom of the Opera and LOVED it. In Los Angeles, i got to see Wicked. AHHH loved it. I just love shows. Its a chance to sit and be immersed in a completely different world.
Do you like to sing?
Very much so.
Not in the shower. But in the rain.
Not on stage. But in the midst of an audience.
Singing is so relieving. It is the moment where speaking simply will not suffice. It is the only time i get to experience a taste of sounding poetic :)
I LOVE singing in the car. I LOVE singing while on a walk. I LOVE singing while im sitting on my bed looking out the window.
I am ok that i am not a fantastic singer- that im off key on pretty much every note. I am ok that i will never be able to sing and melt the hearts of those who hear my voice.
Do you like to dance?
Line dancing. Yes.
Ballroom dancing. Yes.
I am one of those people where i have to practice SO much in order to even look like i know what i am doing. I don't think people really understand how much multi-tasking goes into dancing.
What is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for you?
I don't think i can mentally, emotionally, and physically answer this question. I have been SO loved and blessed by so many people. I think overall, any act of kindness, any moment of thoughtfulness, any surprising thing out of love-is something i hold dear to me and cherish so much. I can't name a favorite gift, but i can name people who have been such a gift to me.
If you were invisible for a month, what would you do?
If i did not love Jesus: i would see how many crimes i could get away with
But because i love Jesus...i would just prank people in so many funny ways :) oh to be invisible.
Which would you prefer as a second home: Mountain cabin, beach house or big city condo?
Mountain cabin- no hesitation there. I love the seclusion- a perfect way to rest, be simple, and enjoy life. I can just picture the smell of trees, dirt, just earth. I can picture sunshine shining through the trees, a river in the background. Me sitting on a porch drinking yummy drinks and reading. But i also see camping in tents. Late night walks. Early morning hikes. I see off roading in a jeep. I see home.
If you could be given ANY gift what would it be?
Annual Pass to Disneyland. I don't think people quite understand how much i love it.
What was stashed under your bed/mattress as a child?
My special rocks. Love notes. Craisins (i didn't want my mom to see that i took them to eat throughout the night). My sister's favorite toys. My purity ring.
What's your favorite flower?
I am not a rose type of girl. I love orange gerber daisies. I love wildflowers. I didn't think i was a flower type of girl but i think i am more than i let on.
What is your favorite type of art?
I have watched movies where the guy takes the girl on a cute date to an art gallery. They stand there mesmerized by abstract paint strokes. Then they look at each other and smile, just floating in a cloud. Sure the movies are great but to be honest....if i were to go into a gallery. ha. i just don't have appreciation for that art. Now lets say If i were in a movie, the guy would take the girl (me) for a nice walk downtown on an adventure to find amazing art. Graffiti. yes graffiti. oh how i wish that artwork could transfer onto a canvas. i love going on car trips and looking out the window as a train passes by. While my siblings count how many train cars there are, my eyes are captured on the spray paint so magically placed on the metal walls. Graffiti makes me want to be a hip hop dancer all the more....but that's just a side note. so my favorite type of art would have to be GRAFFITI.
Have you ever seen a broadway musical? Do you like theater?
In New York i got to see Phantom of the Opera and LOVED it. In Los Angeles, i got to see Wicked. AHHH loved it. I just love shows. Its a chance to sit and be immersed in a completely different world.
Do you like to sing?
Very much so.
Not in the shower. But in the rain.
Not on stage. But in the midst of an audience.
Singing is so relieving. It is the moment where speaking simply will not suffice. It is the only time i get to experience a taste of sounding poetic :)
I LOVE singing in the car. I LOVE singing while on a walk. I LOVE singing while im sitting on my bed looking out the window.
I am ok that i am not a fantastic singer- that im off key on pretty much every note. I am ok that i will never be able to sing and melt the hearts of those who hear my voice.
Do you like to dance?
Line dancing. Yes.
Ballroom dancing. Yes.
I am one of those people where i have to practice SO much in order to even look like i know what i am doing. I don't think people really understand how much multi-tasking goes into dancing.
What is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for you?
I don't think i can mentally, emotionally, and physically answer this question. I have been SO loved and blessed by so many people. I think overall, any act of kindness, any moment of thoughtfulness, any surprising thing out of love-is something i hold dear to me and cherish so much. I can't name a favorite gift, but i can name people who have been such a gift to me.
If you were invisible for a month, what would you do?
If i did not love Jesus: i would see how many crimes i could get away with
But because i love Jesus...i would just prank people in so many funny ways :) oh to be invisible.
Which would you prefer as a second home: Mountain cabin, beach house or big city condo?
Mountain cabin- no hesitation there. I love the seclusion- a perfect way to rest, be simple, and enjoy life. I can just picture the smell of trees, dirt, just earth. I can picture sunshine shining through the trees, a river in the background. Me sitting on a porch drinking yummy drinks and reading. But i also see camping in tents. Late night walks. Early morning hikes. I see off roading in a jeep. I see home.
If you could be given ANY gift what would it be?
Annual Pass to Disneyland. I don't think people quite understand how much i love it.
What was stashed under your bed/mattress as a child?
My special rocks. Love notes. Craisins (i didn't want my mom to see that i took them to eat throughout the night). My sister's favorite toys. My purity ring.
What's your favorite flower?
I am not a rose type of girl. I love orange gerber daisies. I love wildflowers. I didn't think i was a flower type of girl but i think i am more than i let on.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
insecurity...
my title for this post is not very creative at all, but it's straight to the point. this word, insecurity, is something i don't think about too often. i know that everyone has insecurities. for me, it is not really a daily issue that knocks on my door.
last week i met up with a group of girls and they shared some things they were insecure about. as i listened to them shed light on struggles they are constantly fighting, pride rose in my heart. i did not relate to them. i do not struggle with the things they do. sure i have my moments, but its not a huge issue for me. right then and there, omniscient God tapped on my shoulder and asked what i was doing. here i was sitting putting myself above everyone else. i walked away from that time with them feeling convicted. did i share any insecurities i had? no. did i even have any? not that i could think of. (i find that i don't figure things out until im actually in the midst of it) that night ended up being a really hard night, little things piled down on me and quickly my focus shifted from one thing to the next. my issue of pride was pushed to the back of my head.
fast forward to today. today i am eating up my pride. i am insecure. though i do not live daily with that feeling drooping over me, when that moment does hit, it hits me hard. i woke up feeling sick. i tried to journal, to process. i took a drive. i listened to music. nothing. what was going on with me? i ran into my mom and she asked "are you insecure." i paused. that was it. i was. but with what exactly? it took the car drive home to slowly start to identify the root of what was going on.
i fear losing people i love in my life.
i fear that if i make one wrong decision it will ruin everything.
i fear that ill misunderstand something, overanalyze it, and make an issue that wasn't there to begin with.
several thoughts now as i look over those three fears (insecurities).
-my security is in the tangible. not Christ.
- my fears are focused on me. not others.
- the lie that "i am not good enough" is written all over.
Ashlyn stop this right now. just stop for a moment. the moment that tension rises, don't assume you did something wrong. instead pause and think if you have sinned in any way. not everything is about you. if someone ignores you, it does not mean they are mad at you. if someone doesn't invite you to something, it does not mean they have something against you...and you know that may be the case, they may be mad at you, they may have something against you. but it's not your place to fix things if its their issue. stop people pleasing and step back to see the bigger picture. you are being clouded by thoughts, fears, and are walking away drained, overwhelmed and sick. it is engrained in you to care about people but don't idolize them. if you live your life constantly in fear of losing people you will not enjoy what the day brings, the memories that are made, and you will waste precious time. focus on Christ so you can have PERSPECTIVE.
i know that i can't simply ignore that fact that i am feeling insecure, but i should not be weighed down by it, i need to embrace it and give it to Him because obviously i can't handle it on my own...its only been a morning and i have already freaked out enough. ok thought process done for now.
last week i met up with a group of girls and they shared some things they were insecure about. as i listened to them shed light on struggles they are constantly fighting, pride rose in my heart. i did not relate to them. i do not struggle with the things they do. sure i have my moments, but its not a huge issue for me. right then and there, omniscient God tapped on my shoulder and asked what i was doing. here i was sitting putting myself above everyone else. i walked away from that time with them feeling convicted. did i share any insecurities i had? no. did i even have any? not that i could think of. (i find that i don't figure things out until im actually in the midst of it) that night ended up being a really hard night, little things piled down on me and quickly my focus shifted from one thing to the next. my issue of pride was pushed to the back of my head.
fast forward to today. today i am eating up my pride. i am insecure. though i do not live daily with that feeling drooping over me, when that moment does hit, it hits me hard. i woke up feeling sick. i tried to journal, to process. i took a drive. i listened to music. nothing. what was going on with me? i ran into my mom and she asked "are you insecure." i paused. that was it. i was. but with what exactly? it took the car drive home to slowly start to identify the root of what was going on.
i fear losing people i love in my life.
i fear that if i make one wrong decision it will ruin everything.
i fear that ill misunderstand something, overanalyze it, and make an issue that wasn't there to begin with.
several thoughts now as i look over those three fears (insecurities).
-my security is in the tangible. not Christ.
- my fears are focused on me. not others.
- the lie that "i am not good enough" is written all over.
Ashlyn stop this right now. just stop for a moment. the moment that tension rises, don't assume you did something wrong. instead pause and think if you have sinned in any way. not everything is about you. if someone ignores you, it does not mean they are mad at you. if someone doesn't invite you to something, it does not mean they have something against you...and you know that may be the case, they may be mad at you, they may have something against you. but it's not your place to fix things if its their issue. stop people pleasing and step back to see the bigger picture. you are being clouded by thoughts, fears, and are walking away drained, overwhelmed and sick. it is engrained in you to care about people but don't idolize them. if you live your life constantly in fear of losing people you will not enjoy what the day brings, the memories that are made, and you will waste precious time. focus on Christ so you can have PERSPECTIVE.
i know that i can't simply ignore that fact that i am feeling insecure, but i should not be weighed down by it, i need to embrace it and give it to Him because obviously i can't handle it on my own...its only been a morning and i have already freaked out enough. ok thought process done for now.
Monday, March 5, 2012
dream days...
"ashlyn what would be a dream day of yours?"
1. Hang out at Disneyland with people who love it just as much as I do.
2. Serve in ministry with those I love.
3. Drive up to the mountains, go on a hike, and take a breath of fresh air.
4. Read, write, listen to music all day at a park.
5. Go on a surprise/spontaneous trip
1. Hang out at Disneyland with people who love it just as much as I do.
2. Serve in ministry with those I love.
3. Drive up to the mountains, go on a hike, and take a breath of fresh air.
4. Read, write, listen to music all day at a park.
5. Go on a surprise/spontaneous trip
Saturday, March 3, 2012
it clicked...
I have been learning a ton. A ton. I have been struggling and processing life. I have been overwhelmed beyond belief. I have cried more than i would like to. But you know...at the end of the day.
God is still God. God is good. God is enough. God doesn't give up on me.
He waits. Patiently.
He holds me. Gently.
He listens. Understanding.
After three convicting conversations: something clicked.
I am trying to do it on my own. I know that I can't physically, emotionally, or mentally handle it and yet I go throughout my day trying to prove to myself that I can. Jokes on me. What a pathetic thought: "Oh hey God, I got this one. I can do it. You can come along for the ride." Gosh how embarrassing.
As I was trying to work things out i kept telling myself, "I want to let go of control. I just need to work on my issues. I really need to focus on God more." Do you see what I did there? ....I, I, I. Since when does everything revolve around me?
My focus has shifted: I need to wake up every morning with a new and fresh desire, and longing to be near Christ. A NEW desire every day. The minute it becomes routine. The minute my focus goes from delighting in the Lord to asking if I am doing it (reading the Bible, praying right etc) right. The minute I have to stop and look back asking myself "When did that happen? When did I lose my desire for Christ? When did i take control of my life?". That minute....that minute that reminds me I am human and how desperately i need Him. I NEED TO FALL TO MY KNEES AND SURRENDER.
I am nothing. This life is not for me.
How am I going to go about my day delighting in Him? Constantly desiring Him and longing to be apart of His big adventure He has for me? I have no idea. no idea. haha. This is something I just can't plan.
How am i going to start? Going on a walk. As simple as that is. I get to embrace His beauty (even in Fresno yes...have you seen the blossoms??), chat with him, and worship Him. That's a start.
I am so thankful for His faithfulness. He is Good.
God is still God. God is good. God is enough. God doesn't give up on me.
He waits. Patiently.
He holds me. Gently.
He listens. Understanding.
After three convicting conversations: something clicked.
I am trying to do it on my own. I know that I can't physically, emotionally, or mentally handle it and yet I go throughout my day trying to prove to myself that I can. Jokes on me. What a pathetic thought: "Oh hey God, I got this one. I can do it. You can come along for the ride." Gosh how embarrassing.
As I was trying to work things out i kept telling myself, "I want to let go of control. I just need to work on my issues. I really need to focus on God more." Do you see what I did there? ....I, I, I. Since when does everything revolve around me?
My focus has shifted: I need to wake up every morning with a new and fresh desire, and longing to be near Christ. A NEW desire every day. The minute it becomes routine. The minute my focus goes from delighting in the Lord to asking if I am doing it (reading the Bible, praying right etc) right. The minute I have to stop and look back asking myself "When did that happen? When did I lose my desire for Christ? When did i take control of my life?". That minute....that minute that reminds me I am human and how desperately i need Him. I NEED TO FALL TO MY KNEES AND SURRENDER.
I am nothing. This life is not for me.
How am I going to go about my day delighting in Him? Constantly desiring Him and longing to be apart of His big adventure He has for me? I have no idea. no idea. haha. This is something I just can't plan.
How am i going to start? Going on a walk. As simple as that is. I get to embrace His beauty (even in Fresno yes...have you seen the blossoms??), chat with him, and worship Him. That's a start.
I am so thankful for His faithfulness. He is Good.
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