What i needed to hear....

Andrea De Luca December 6 at 4:15pm Report
hey how are you young lady??! lol.
well... remember how you used to invite me to your youth group and i seemed like i wasnt that interested? well i just wanna say thank you for inviting me cuz even though it took like two years i finally have a relationship with Jesus and its awesome:) i found a really great church by my house and idk how to explain it but you probly know what i'm trying to say haha. and like wow its just amazing

So today has been a weird day. It is Char's last day here. It kind of hit me-cried a bit, but nothing too big. I started to clean which meant i felt i had no control over life right now. I started to go through all my letters from previous high school years. I started to remember my old friends who now lived in different parts of Cali. I happened to look on Facebook and saw i got a message. From Andrea De Luca. Not someone i was expecting. We were good friends for the first part of high school. She was my first friend at North. We started to hang out wit different friends and she ended up moving. This was a fun surprise. I started to read and quickly became overwhelmed. A girl whom i loved and hung out with did not understand God's saving grace and it was sad for me. I invited her to youth group and did my best to live as Christ asks us to, but i had NO idea how God could use a Freshman/Sophomore to plant a seed in her heart. She is now my sister in Christ and i am so overjoyed! It was encouraging to get and read. If Andrea asked God intoher heart then God can work in Claire's heart. All i need to do is keep on loving her and show her Jesus and He will use my little human actions for His glory! I have to say this may be one of my best moments in high school.

Vroom Vroom (car noise)

Some people go running or walking to process about things going on in their lives. Ok i admit that running in the rain leaves me feeling refreshed but i end up not resolving whatever is going on in my mind. Writing used to be my place to organize my thoughts and yes i still resort to that, but my number one place to think would be in the car. A 5min car ride to 5hrs or more of driving really lets me think and my mind wonder. I typically don't talk that much in the car, and if i do then i finish the convo as soon as possible and end up staring out the window to the fields, trees, cows, birds, roads, cars, bumper stickers, ugly billboards etc. My mind gets consumed by unresolved thoughts and i may end up cycling through the thought several times but i when i get out of the car i feel some sort of peace i can;t really describe. this is the time my creativity comes out! i just love car rides. so if i look mad or whatever cuz im not talking, don't be offended-im just thinking :)

now that is love....

The show, "what would you do?" is pretty good but this one episode really stood out to me. This lady really grabbed my heart when although having nothing placed a man she did not know above herself and cared. Wow what an encouragement and inspiration. I recommend watching the whole clip but if you watch the video at 4:28mnutes till the end, then you will see why i was so touched!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49YQhTLoGuA

Time for an extreme?

I admit i am a Facebook addict! It has brought me no goodness at all. Sure it's nice to see people's pictures and take connected with friends from different states/countries, but i have noticed recenttly i need to stop. There are a couple of friends that i keep "facebook stalking" and end up mad, sad, and disappointed. why do i keep putting myself through that? i have been abusing Facebook and i need to stop but does it mean i go to the extreme and stop getting on for a while? or even delete it? i just don't know. you know i am going to get off for a week and see how i do...then i'll see. i don't think ill delete it but i will break my habit of how long im on and need to get to a point where i don't need it as a part of my day.

Sharing Testimonies in Church Leadership

Testies is just fancy term for testimonies. So last night we were split into groups of 5 people and a leader. Wow, it was encouraging to hear from several people about where they came from and why they are the way they are. Sean B. went first and his story helped me understand him better and respect him a bit more. His effort and heart has focused on God so much more and its so good to see :) Hunter L. went next and her story showed that God takes something away from different people for reasons we may never know. Although i am not a horse lover i do love my friends and can relate that way. Micah S. went next and its crazy all he was going through freshman year when i met him. He is strong and has such a good heart. Nick shared and i know him better now and hope to get to know him better. I went and it was scarier than i thought. I think i could have done it better but after the messages below i think that from speaking from my heart people saw Jesus in me. I was so proud of Randi G.!!!! She did not have to share about her parents but she did and i love it! It was good to see a new side of people that i have known for a while.

Facebook Messages-

Haley L: thank so much, ashlyn! im really glad to have been with you in the group as well! it was really great hearing the five stories i did and can't wait until i get to hear everyones. your story inspired me to reach out to everyone i can, because you never know when they really need it. thanks again!

Sean B: gosh ashlyn gonna make me cry! haha jk but thank you so much. it means a lot. and you too! you did a fantastic job and it has been amazing becoming better and better friends with you these past couple years

Randi G: Thanks ash! You've been such a support through everything and so thankful to have you. Today was just an emotional day because they signed the divorce papers and it's coming up on a year since everything but I'll make it through

Thanks so much ashlyn!!! Thank you for the encouragment. You're an incredible friend. I do want you to know you can talk to me anytime you feel alone or unappreciated. I do appreciate and i think your effort and investment in people is amazing. Your ability to invest in so many people is something i wish i had =)

Mindy Spencer

Mindy is the only life group leader that has never left. Through all i went through these past 3 years, she was always there! Every other leader has been great sure, but they all have left for various reasons. I trust her with all my heart. There are very few older people i turn to other than my mom and she is one of them. She is such an amazing leader! Who would have thought that the leader on my freshman year's Amazing Race team would be her and years later she is still here. I have pulled her aside several times to vent and she has listened to me. Wow i am so blessed

Morgan Stahl

Ok so there are like a ton of people in my life that have encouraged me or helped me in some way. I thought it would be a good idea to write it down so i can look at it as a reminder of how blessed and loved i am. Now i am not writing them in order of importance, i'll write down whatever one is on my mind.So there will be many posts deticated to different people.

Todays is...

Morgan Stahl: Wow, this girl is so precious to me. I cherish this friendship so much. My sophomore year, she invested into my life (as a senior i might add) when she had no obligation to do so. She was in my life during my struggling season of loneliness. She constantly bought m Jambas, and saved me seats in church, and took me on car dates (we would drive around figuring out something to do but never coming up with anything haha). She is very wise in what she says and i always listened to her. But my major appreciation would have to be: (soph yr) Friday, 30mins before WSM's winter camp. I had just told Jeff i wasn't going to camp (even though i would be going for free) because i was "tired"-meaning i knew so many people yet felt so alone. i wasn't in the mood to invest into people's lives at all. (yes i was being selfish and was stuck in a pit of self pity)As i was headed to my room, the door bell rang. Kylen's voice yelled out, "Ashlyn, Morgan is here!" i was mad-if jeff was sending people to get me to go, i would stop going to wsm. (ok maybe i was being a little dramatic. I walked down the stairs to see why she was here. All she did was hand me a bag of marshies and a letter, then left. I was totally caught off guard and said nothing. I quickly ran upstairs to read the letter. To this day, that letter was the best, most heart felt, encouraging, and sweet letters i have ever gotten. I ended up crying. The note was not to tell me what i was doing was wrong but to let me know someone other than my family was there for me. her act of kindness humbled me. The marshies showed how much she loved me and truly knew me. I called her up and packed my bag in 5 mins. i ended up going to camp, which was another adventure and stretcher but that story is for a different time. Thanks to morgan, i got up on my feet again and started looking to Jesus again. Without her i would not love others with the right perspective and energy (God) to back me up.


Today is November 12th now and felt like i needed to add to this post. Found a letter i wrote to Morgan and can't remember if i gave it to her or not.

Morgan Stahl. Morgan Stahl. Morgan Stahl. So much comes into my mind when I hear those words. I feel joy, beauty, contentment, love, loyalty. I think of an amazing woman of God, a spectacular smile, a happiness that is so contagious, I see passion, I see my friend. There is so much to this girl. Success, thoughtfulness, selflessness. She listens. She works with all her heart. She makes me laugh both when she’s mad and goofy. She has a cute way of how she reacts. The more mad she gets the more she smiles. She is not like anyone I’ve met. She is confident in who she is and strives to be a better person daily. She encourages others though mere actions but also her letters to me. She has helped me come out of depression. She has used her gifts of serving by reaching out to others in our youth group. Our friendship started with a hi but no real meaning behind it, only just to be nice. Then got to hugs. Then calling each other and hanging out. She is one of those people that makes friendship so easy. We were meant to be friends but to this day I don’t know how we got to know each other so well. When she struggles she comes and talks to me. It means the world to me that she, a senior, would some talk to me, a sophomore. She is genuine. Honest. Sweet. A friend to me is someone who doesn’t leave when I push them away, who keeps me on the path im supposed to be, someone I can have fun with, someone who will sit in the car outside my house in the rain and listen, someone who will shovel gravel for fun with me, someone who allows me to me myself. She is rather talented, no not juggling, but she can be quiet and wise, or loud and funny either way she can relate to people. People who haven’t gotten to know her are missing out on a one of a kind. I wish I could put to words what she means to me. But I can’t. So to answer the questions I was supposed to answer. Morgan Stahl (doesn’t just her name make you smile- it does for me) is the type of person who I could turn to for anything. She is the type of person I can be serious around and very fun/goofy. She is rather sarcastic and comes up with a witty response to a lot I say(it would be amazing but I don’t get sarcasm nearly as much as I should-guess I’m missing out) I would very much like to get to know her better and see how God uses her. Although we all make mistakes, Morgan is a very positive and good example of how we should treat others and become a better person who loves God. She is sometimes lazy but aren’t we all. Im jealous of her. lol

I want to be a dolphin trainer...no wait a physical therepist...maybe a missionary??

So you know how every girl and boy wants to be a horse trainer, or singer, or actress? Well i wanted to train dolphins at Sea world for the longest time, until i found out how much school it would take, so i decided that giving people massages would be a fun job...ok no. i love giving them to people i know not some hairy backed men. if you ask "what about missions?" when did you start having a heart for that? i would probably answer...i"it just sorta happened." well looking through my drama filled jr. high diary (where i documented every single little detail in my life) i came across an entry that i think proves when that seed was planted. sure maybe i may have been born with this "passion" but i think it took some mission experiences to actually start to understand the feeling that kept getting every time i served (which was joy). May 30th, 2005- ...Right now i'm sitting in the car. oh what a weekend it has been. (Mexico Mission Trip)I've thought about it and i now want to be a missionary. I would love to serve... i love that i wrote this down...who would have thought that after many years i am trying to get into a school specifically focused on missions. aaaaa, it makes me happy :)

not going to live in eternity together

for a couple of months now, a friend of mine has been on my mind constantly. am i doing all i can? am i living as a Godly example? am i helping her get one step closer or one step further away? she is dear to me and i love her. we are so much alike yet one major gap lies between us. i am saved by grace and she is not. the friend i spend a lot of time with and invest into will not be in the same place as me after life here on earth. i am praying that her heart opens to even the idea of Jesus. i hope i can plant at least a seed in her life or be the water to help that seed grow. i have faith God can do anything and has the power to change her heart. but i do hurt when i think about her. i wrote a note to her a while ago to prove that i have been praying for her since day one and that i believed in God's power and love. when she becomes a Christian i will give it to her...hopefully. i only have one more year with her before i go off to college then after that prayer will be my only tool. am i doing all i can?..am i?

just the thought makes me cry...

I really don't want to write right now, but mom challenged me to do so, i figure she is right and wise so i should listen. Tonight in Student Leadership, the topic of stewarding your testimony took the spotlight for 2hrs. Right as the speaker started talking about sharing testimonies in front of people, my heart started to race. The whole time he was talking i was nervous and getting a bit emotional. I was trying to be a good listener and be open to the possibility that speaking wasn't hard(he kept saying that you just have to be prepared but speaking is easy) well um no...this theory thing does not relate to all people. i am the proof. I don't think anyone really understands where i am coming from. it may be hard to believe that although i love people, my parents are great speakers, and i have grown up in a christian camp so that must mean im really good at all this Christiany tuff, i HATE speaking in front of people. maybe hate is not the right word....when i even hear the words "speak in front of people." i start to panic, get anxious, want to throw up and cry. it's as if a train has hit me...and if im feeling that because of just hearing the words, you don't even want to know what i feel when i am placed in the terrible position. i have tried "facing my fears" many times and it has done me no good.

i remember giving announcements with my dad at a father/daughter conference...i talked maybe a total of 10 words and i remember every dreadful moment on that stage. i walked up there determined to get over my fear and walked up so shaken up. its not like im scared to share about my life. i love my life. i have been so blessed and i know that my story can give hope to those who are hurt and also comfort those who can relate to my several years of loneliness. i am a one on one person. period. i have shared my story so many times, but in a small group setting.

i love to serve!! its my heart and passion, but God has gifted me in working hard,behind the scenes. i could care less if i dont get the credit. i HATE the spotlight. i get red every time. i have never had a good experience. some may think that since im comfortable in what i love to do, that i don't let myself be challenged. um i love being challenged, but this challenge is not at all on my side. i gave my testimony to my life group, there were only 6 girls, and i did not like any minute of it. it was a forced spotlight. i am not one of those inspirational people who can go up on a stage and speak and walk away impacting so many, i hope that i can impact through my actions first then my words if need be.

i can say right now that i would quit leadership if that would be getting out of speaking. this is no fear of spiders deal, this is like, well i don't know. i can't even ask a math question in class, or read a Bible verse in front of people, or when asked "tell me about yourself" in an interview. it has been this ongoing struggle and i can't shrug it off. i know that if i do end up talking in front of people, i will feel no relief or peace. there will always be that new opportunity to speak around the corner...

i do feel like there i am expected to do too much in leadership right now and im overwhelmed. mom told me that i needed to think of truth now whether i believed it or not. what truth??? hmm...God will not put me in a situation that He knows i can't handle even if it stinks a ton. He knows my heart. He is my strong tower that i need to run to.(verse for Bible study, wow im actually applying it) He won't leave me (with whatever i do, stupid or not)...idk. I'm done.

Are You Married?

Some people see it, some people don't. Whoever does see it though, always asks something along the lines of, "Are you married?" My answer i give is a: no, but if asked "why then" i explain my reasoning. True, I have a ring on my ring figure, also know as the marriage finger. What is an unmarried, 17yr old with a ring on her wedding finger? This is my 4th year answering just that. Do i wear it to scare away people? (no, boys still talk to me :D ) Is it for attention? (no, i would have gotten a big fatto diamond ring if i wanted to be in the spotlight) Am i wearing it to make myself stand out? (yes.but let me explain that) My ring is just a possession-one of my more cherished possessions. It may not last forever or i could lose it. I cherished it because of the meaning behind the only piece of jewelery i wear. The ring is symbolic reminder of the promise i made.

SO what promise exactly did i make when i was 13? My whole life I grew up hearing, "Don't kiss boys." So i didn't kiss boys. It was as simple as that. (oh and the fact that there were little to no boys at hume i grew up with). When i was about 12yrs old, i had no guidelines set for relationships, but i was starting to find boys interesting, so i started watching. After hearing my moms testimony and several summer staffers (at hume lake)share their perspectives on relationships and such, i decided for myself that i needed to set boundaries and standards.

I love touch! Hugs, back rubs, really anything. With that though, i knew i needed to set down rules for myself so that i would not sin or place any other person in a situation that could have been prevented. I started making small standards like i would not let any boy give me a back rub until we were engaged. But even with that, i would still have to be cautious about it because one thing easily leads to the next real fast. Any "walls" people may see are set up for myself. I'm not one of those people that have walls built up because of past experiences. No, i watched others make those mistakes and so i took one step ahead and made boundaries so that i would never have to be in that "no-trusting" world.

I do not really enjoy watching chick-flicks. Sure there are a few i think are cute and like to watch on a rainy day or when hanging out with friends, but they give, what i think, to be one of the worst interpretations about relationships that implant many little lies in my and other peoples' heads. Everything is so physical and it always seems to be the center of any Hollywood movie relationships. I yearn for building deep friendships, with girls and guys. That of course takes time and i am totally fine by that. It seems that since the world has taken off a million miles per hour so has the development of dating and marriage. My hope is that any guy i date would be someone i could see myself marrying. And even before we started dating i would be friends only. When you get to know someone on a friend level then the rest seems to go smoothly. I have seen when people skip that step, personalities are placed second and the physical desires are placed on top. I am sure it works out for some couples, but personally for me, i know it wouldn't for any relationship i was in. I want to have that Godly relationship and be Biblically centered the whole time.

I chose to save my first kiss for my husband and save that kiss till the day of the wedding. Ashlyn why would you do something so un-normal and goodie-too-shoe-like? Well my friends, two reasons. 1) When i am dating someone (whether it is my future husband or not) i want to respect him, so that if it doesn't work out, i can say happily that i did not take a part of him from his future wife. Now if everything did work out, then that kiss will be so much better. How so? Ok i have been told, seen the looks couples give when in love, and read all about it that kissing is fun and feels good. So if i know that, i can just wait. If i am marrying that guy, i get him to myself for the rest of my life and can kiss him as much as possible. I figure that if we fall in love with of course Christ being the center, then that physical part is going to be the best bonus there is. 2) I am a pretty normal human being...what is something that sets me apart from others and may appear the impossible but that i have faith i can do cuz others have before me? Not kissing. I have seen others before me do it so why can't i? People don't get this but when they say comments like "I don't think you can do that." or "That's lame." it makes me more motivated to prove you guys wrong. Yes i can be competitive and i will win. So there. haha. Also i have seen that after people find out, make fun, and give me a funny look, they all seem to treat me with a little more respect than before. Sure they may always think "Ashlyn is weird", but i hope they see that i make these "crazy" promises for myself, my future boyfriend(s), my future husband, and to God (meaning i will strive to live for Him, but of course i will sin, im human, its a goal that i plan to keep. so maybe i am not making a promise to God but more to the non-hypocritical Christian life i lead.

As a side note: My ring has 2 mini diamonds on both sides of the blue one. The four diamonds represent my relationship with God, my parents, and my future husband. The blue stone is because i like blue and it represents purity. My name partially means waterfall. It was an Ashlyn Ring.

To sum things up: I am wearing a ring (aka purity ring) as a symbol for my promise to save my first kiss and set rules for the physical part of
relationships.

Love Is a Bag of Marshmallows

What is LOVE? When living at Hume, i could easily give the definition answer,to put it in a sentence and even give an example. I grew up to love surrounding me head to toe, hill to hill. Moving down to Fresno, though, opened up a whole new Love dictionary. Love was not a feeling anymore (i thought it was that). I was taught in church, love was an action and not based on emotion...oh whatever. But over these last few years, I have seen love shown and not shown in many ways. Love is doing the dishes at a friends house and not even caring if they ever find out. Love is a backrub from my mom. Love is Home Depot paint sample strips with a letter written so sweetly on each of them. Love is that random Jamba I get from a friend who is in more pain than me. Love is spending hours to clean up a neighborhood. Love is a Facebook video just to say hello. Love is passing soda lids back in forth in funny ways to show appriciation. Love is the special goodnight my Daddy gives me. Love is underwear stuffed under my sisters pillow. Love is video chats while being in the same room. Love is waking up early to read the Bible. Love is a message on the bathroom mirror. Love is PEZ. Love is writing letters. Love is messing up a cookie recipe and laughing about it. Love is a dance class. Love is a Secret Sister. Love is buying dinner. Love is showing grace to the broken. Love is a bag of marshmallows and one senior who went out of the way to see if I was ok. Love is a hug. Love is the Kiss on the head. Love is the note in the suitcase while on a trip away from home. Love is Kenya. Love is my sister's passion with Special Needs kids. Love is my brother's smile. Love is the painting on my wall. Love is inside jokes. Love is a note on my car window. Love is calling me Ash. Love is the journal my mom and i have passed back and forth for years. Love is The Well Community Church. Love is patience. Love is the constant compliments from someone who truly cares. Love is found in soooo many areas of my life and have been demonstated by so many. Because of them, i srive to continue to love others and carry out such a sacred and undeserved gift :)

It's The Note That Counts

I am excited for my funeral!! I know weird to say, but hopefully my death will be a celebration with lots of balloons and marshmallows and Mexican food with ketchup and jamba and whatever else i love :) Also i so hope and pray everyone i came into contact with in my life, will see how much i truly loved my Savior and strived earnestly to share His love.

My LIFE goal is to write a note to every person I meet. well, if i met a celebrity at some point in my life, then sorry i wont write a fan letter-but ill pray for you! haha. How about i define the word "meet"- it could be someone i met at youth group or a friend of a friend that needed encouragement, co-workers, students at school, or to my dear dear friends and family. so of course i most likely won't write to a stranger. I hope i am able to share my love to everyone (which is impossible cause im human, but i will try to get as close as i can, and not turn down an opportunity). I will never end up knowing if I reached my goal or not but i know i will be happily hanging out with God.

Here is a funeral request...I want every person that comes to bring any note or letter i wrote them and if any person did not receive any letters from me (which is sad but probably going to be the case for some people) bring in mind a funny story. Why bring letters? to read them? ok maybe...remember i wont be there haha, but i want this to possibly prove that taking some time to write notes is well worth it.

I love people through my letters. Iam not the most grammatically correct writer and probably could simplify many sentences, but i write from my heart and hopefully people can see how much i really care. Receiving a note shows thoughtfulness. Someone who takes even one minute to jot a quick note down has no idea the encouragement it may have. Sure some people could care less by a letter and toss it in the trash, but there are many out there looking for a random act of kindness society seems to view as so "alien-like". (Just like Rachel Scott) This goal of mine will take my whole life and i know i am not perfect, so i may miss a few people, so to those that i meet and never write to, i apologize. Maybe this funeral request is highly unlikely...i mean letters get lost, thrown away, used as scratch paper, but in the end my hope is that, that note lifted them up in some form or another.

Maybe i want the letters that are kept, to be present at my funeral to prove something...but what? At the moment i have no like, official thought. Maybe I want to encourage others to write letters and show a simple thing can impact very many people in small or big ways. Maybe it's to show people writing notes is a passion of mine and i kept at it till i went to be with Jesus. You know...maybe i really care right now, because i am alive...but all in all, i want to leave behind my love to love others here and prove small things work in big ways. When i am dead i am sure i wont care at all where any letters i wrote end up, they are only pieces of paper, not eternal.

Well i will work at this life goal of mine, no matter the affect it may or may not have on others and after rereading all i wrote i may not even care now about my funeral...i just never really wrote about that topic so i figured i would write and through that, explore more of what i loved and wanted and such. hmmm... :)

New Blog Promise

So this is not my first time keeping a blog, this is like blog 7, but the first public one. Blogs are meant to be shared to people who care to stop and read but my past blogs ended up being negative and a place where i would vent and walk away thinking nothing about it. Well of course no one read my posts, but why have a blog no one could read? I could write a diary if i wanted something private. So this is my first real blog you might say! I don't want to mess this one up and end up having to delete it. Haha.

For this one I promise:
1)That through any struggles I write about, I will back it up with God's truth to show that I am embracing whatever is going on, but I am willing to look past and let God have it all.
2)That I will be completely honest, not where I will put down anyone, but I won't wishy-washy it to make myself look "oh so mighty" :)
3)I will try to write as much as I can, because writing things down documents where I am at that moment and help me realize things I wouldn't have otherwise and when I look back I will see how much I grew and transformed into the woman of God I am called to be.