Friday, April 20, 2012
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
two more days...
(This song has been on my heart. I need to remember him in the midst of everything)
It has been now- 5 days-
five days since i received my third and last letter from Moody Bible.
The moment when, no matter the answer, i had to trust God.
It took five days. Five days now for me to actually start trusting what God was doing in my life despite my frustrations and confusion.
I got accepted into the school of my dreams finally. Accepted. As in my new home could be Chicago this fall.
What is God asking of me? Leaving would mean departing from HOME. i would be walking into a new chapter of my life with people i love far from me. i would be saying goodbye to the junior high girls i love so much. Today is day five of prayer. I am starting to feel secure. In the midst of the unknown i can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I got Jesus who has paved a way for me, who by the way, is the ALL-POWERFUL GOD.There is literally nothing i need to fear. I have an exciting opportunity before me. In two days i will be making my final decision.
My feelings are still roller-coastering away but i feel some peace. weird, when you trust God, peace is actually possible.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
im the youngest...
As i was working on my application for the Pink House (this is an option to do in the fall instead of Moody Bible), i started to write about my age. You see, for the Pink House you have to be at least 20 years old and i will be 19 years old, so i have to mention that despite my age, i am still as determined and passionate for ministry as a20yr old who is also applying. Anyways...i had to pause because it just hit me.
My whole life. i have been young.
I am always the youngest.
Even this year i have struggled with my age.
My closest friends are at least 2yrs older than me.
I was the only teen at my first college Well Lifegroup
I was the first official youngest summer staffer at Hume Lake at the age of 17
I was the first official youngest summer staffer at Sugar Pine at the age of 15
I started working with college students at age 11
I am the youngest Jr. High leader at the Well
I was one of the youngest employees at In-N-Out
I am the only teen working at Bath and Body Works (average age 24)
Now i am not listing off all my accomplishments rubbing in how many connections i had....no. I am listing all the times where i had to work my hardest and 110% to be at the same level as those around me. Sometimes my best was not good enough. (which i learned that my goal should be to please God not men, but different story for a different day) My whole life i have been placed in situations where my age has been ridiculed, looked down upon. It has affected relationships and caused people to treat me differently. BUT i learned what it means to be a hard worker. I learned what it means to be a servant. I learned what it means to love people, like love them when i really did not like them. When i expressed my struggles of my age to people, i don't think they understood. I really feel like only kids who have grown up in a Christian Camp would truly understand. This is like a unique thing. I grew up with pressure my whole life. (not from my parents) but from everyone else around me. We Hume kids were expected to always be happy, to be mature, to work hard. Or else if we didn't measure up, we were ignored or teased. There was no room for error. Moving down to Fresno, a whole new world than i was used to, also moved pressure away from me, but because i was used to it my whole life(because it was a normal part of life)...i put it upon myself subconsciously.
I place high expectations on myself and when i make just one mistake i feel like a failure. There have been people who, joking or not, have made comments about how immature and young i am and i just can't seem to let it go. I hold onto those words. Even in the midst of getting a great job at Bath and Body Works and being the youngest employee, i still struggle with forcing myself to be "that super mature and sweet 18yr old".
I remember one summer the Hume staff's verse was from 1 Timothy 4:12
"Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity"
Haha what....how could i totally overlook that verse? I was so focused on peoples' opinions that i completely ignored God's thoughts on it. Literally today....i just remembered this verse.
If i actually start to believe this, what would change?
Well already....
What a GREAT ministry opportunity is it to work at Bath and Body Works and love on people?
If my focus is on Christ not on other things, then people will be drawn to Christ through me, NOT drawn to ME.
I should not try to grow up too fast for peoples sake, but i should embrace that i do have the ability to keep good conversation and interact with those around me older and younger. At the same time, I should not forget that its ok to have fun and be dumb at times.
All these experiences have happened for a reason and are only preparing me for something greater. Maybe i will go my whole life being the youngest. Maybe i will go to the Pink House, the youngest. But this just proves that God uses ANYONE willing to follow him. and age DOES NOT matter. ok maybe it is an aspect, its not like i can run for president right now, but maybe my young age is just God saying "Hey ash, get outside your comfort zone and actually follow me." I don't know, just something to think about.
My whole life. i have been young.
I am always the youngest.
Even this year i have struggled with my age.
My closest friends are at least 2yrs older than me.
I was the only teen at my first college Well Lifegroup
I was the first official youngest summer staffer at Hume Lake at the age of 17
I was the first official youngest summer staffer at Sugar Pine at the age of 15
I started working with college students at age 11
I am the youngest Jr. High leader at the Well
I was one of the youngest employees at In-N-Out
I am the only teen working at Bath and Body Works (average age 24)
Now i am not listing off all my accomplishments rubbing in how many connections i had....no. I am listing all the times where i had to work my hardest and 110% to be at the same level as those around me. Sometimes my best was not good enough. (which i learned that my goal should be to please God not men, but different story for a different day) My whole life i have been placed in situations where my age has been ridiculed, looked down upon. It has affected relationships and caused people to treat me differently. BUT i learned what it means to be a hard worker. I learned what it means to be a servant. I learned what it means to love people, like love them when i really did not like them. When i expressed my struggles of my age to people, i don't think they understood. I really feel like only kids who have grown up in a Christian Camp would truly understand. This is like a unique thing. I grew up with pressure my whole life. (not from my parents) but from everyone else around me. We Hume kids were expected to always be happy, to be mature, to work hard. Or else if we didn't measure up, we were ignored or teased. There was no room for error. Moving down to Fresno, a whole new world than i was used to, also moved pressure away from me, but because i was used to it my whole life(because it was a normal part of life)...i put it upon myself subconsciously.
I place high expectations on myself and when i make just one mistake i feel like a failure. There have been people who, joking or not, have made comments about how immature and young i am and i just can't seem to let it go. I hold onto those words. Even in the midst of getting a great job at Bath and Body Works and being the youngest employee, i still struggle with forcing myself to be "that super mature and sweet 18yr old".
I remember one summer the Hume staff's verse was from 1 Timothy 4:12
"Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity"
Haha what....how could i totally overlook that verse? I was so focused on peoples' opinions that i completely ignored God's thoughts on it. Literally today....i just remembered this verse.
If i actually start to believe this, what would change?
Well already....
What a GREAT ministry opportunity is it to work at Bath and Body Works and love on people?
If my focus is on Christ not on other things, then people will be drawn to Christ through me, NOT drawn to ME.
I should not try to grow up too fast for peoples sake, but i should embrace that i do have the ability to keep good conversation and interact with those around me older and younger. At the same time, I should not forget that its ok to have fun and be dumb at times.
All these experiences have happened for a reason and are only preparing me for something greater. Maybe i will go my whole life being the youngest. Maybe i will go to the Pink House, the youngest. But this just proves that God uses ANYONE willing to follow him. and age DOES NOT matter. ok maybe it is an aspect, its not like i can run for president right now, but maybe my young age is just God saying "Hey ash, get outside your comfort zone and actually follow me." I don't know, just something to think about.
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