safe place...

what is a safe place? the concept has pressed on my mind quite a bit in this last month. last year i would say i rarely found myself in a safe place. moving out of my fresno home was a boot into the real world, a place of the unknown, and no familiar safe places. would i ever find a safe place close to what i grew up with?

this year i have actually found several safe places. 

so what's changed? 

my concept of what safe place means? my release of high expectations? simply growing up more? figuring out where my identity lies in?

as i have talked to many people my curiosity has increased. what makes them feel safe? what draws them out? do we all share the same belief of what a safe place means? 

well for me....my idea of a safe place is the freedom of just being. if i am able to tap into that need, my energy, capacity to serve, and perspective is renewed and refreshed.

just being. with friends/ family. 

the friendships i have been blessed with are so diverse and precious and i have learned to love each individually and uniquely. there are few friends i have though that the idea of "just being" with them instantly fills me up. they are the people i feel safe with, where conversation flows, silence is always an option, and time is more important than an adventure itself. it's where laughter and being fully accepted and embraced are a given. 

just being. alone. 

i have found that mountains and forests bring to a place of complete peace and joy. i have the freedom to be me, to talk to Jesus about anything, to laugh out loud, to smile as i watch birds fly in the morning air. to smell the summer breeze as i journal in the sunlight. there is a reason i am drawn to the outdoors. it was my world for 13yrs. it has been embedded into me. i don't depend on mountains to mend me though, because i am currently 2,000 miles away from my mounatins. but give me mountains any day and you will see something sparkle in my eyes. 

being in the city is obviously the complete opposite of my hometown BUT i have found my safe place even here. I live in a neighborhood where we have a mini forest, a tunnel of trees. Every morning when i look out the window- i take a deep breath and beam. He gave me my trees. He knew how much they fill me and even in the city, He blessed me with them. 

I have also found that i can just be when commuting to school. Earbuds in, music on- loud enough to enter into me time but quiet enough to be present to the strangers around me. Long train rides allows for me to just be and i look forward to it every day. 

just being. long distance. 

there are people back home who i used to be able to go grab a coffee with, hang out at the park all day, have a movie night, taco tuesday, or night swim with. but thats not the case anymore because i am on the other side of the country. my concept of just being for so long meant spending time with people in person, doing whatever. when it comes to maintaining long distance friendships/relationships i found that i NEED quality time- because quality time leads to just being. i miss simply being with the people who know me, embrace me, and will live life with me. i must have taken for granted the fact that i could hang out with any one of them whenever i wanted to, and now im left with two of my least favorite things: phone calls and texting. how in the world do i just be when im not face to face...so i begin a new journey of finding my safe place within a long distance context. 

i asked questions earlier. and they are still there. i'm so curious where people stand with the concept of a safe place. Mine is "just being". If you can get me to that place then you will find the best me i think. 

at home yet torn...

I have never felt more at home than I do now. 

But at the same time...

I have never felt more torn than I do now. 

Despite the chaotic beginning of moving back, my transition back to Chicago could not have been more smooth. I have been blessed with three amazing, amazing roommates and have gotten into the hang of commuting. Typically it takes me months to get to the place where I am at now but Jesus has really been at work in my heart. He has filled me with a Christ-like love for my roommates rather than allowing me to be consumed with anxieties, fears, doubts when it comes to building new relationships. He has blessed me with some of the best classes yet. Every single class- I have learned something. No for real. The friends I made on campus last year are still in existence and continuing to grow which is something I did not expect. This is the first time that I truly don't feel homeless. Maybe it's because I am embracing being an adult or simply because I am calling Jesus my Home. Whatever it is, I am very much thriving here.

But at the same time...

At the beginning of this week several hard hits from home came my way. Just when I was getting myself back up, another one hit. Satan did not wait to attack me. Feeding me lies that I'm not supposed to be in Chicago. I can't do anything to help from here. I need to go back home. All I have is prayer and nothing else...

Let's pause for a moment and back up. "All you have is prayer." Satan told me that that was a bad thing. I began to minimize my Jesus and feel useless. Prayer...that's all I have here. YES it is all I have here!! But prayer is not just a little conversation with God, it's my direct communication with my personal and comforting Father. It is where I bring these hurts, burdens, and even lies I am believing and falling in His arms. How dare I think prayer is the least way I can help. It should be my first go to!  

All I want to do is go home. But I can't. I am here in Chicago. And yes I love it here. So I will rest in Jesus and hold onto the one thing I know works. Prayer. 

This week has continued to confirm that God is truly the God of just enough. I feel so weak and tired right now but am still going about my day knowing that He is my strength. I think that God allowed my transition back to be easy so that when this stuff did come my way, I would have community and a place to process safely. 

I believe he is Good. I understand that I don't know everything. May the God of peace fill me. I hurt but I am at peace. I have nothing to fear- my Jesus has me completely.