at home yet torn...

I have never felt more at home than I do now. 

But at the same time...

I have never felt more torn than I do now. 

Despite the chaotic beginning of moving back, my transition back to Chicago could not have been more smooth. I have been blessed with three amazing, amazing roommates and have gotten into the hang of commuting. Typically it takes me months to get to the place where I am at now but Jesus has really been at work in my heart. He has filled me with a Christ-like love for my roommates rather than allowing me to be consumed with anxieties, fears, doubts when it comes to building new relationships. He has blessed me with some of the best classes yet. Every single class- I have learned something. No for real. The friends I made on campus last year are still in existence and continuing to grow which is something I did not expect. This is the first time that I truly don't feel homeless. Maybe it's because I am embracing being an adult or simply because I am calling Jesus my Home. Whatever it is, I am very much thriving here.

But at the same time...

At the beginning of this week several hard hits from home came my way. Just when I was getting myself back up, another one hit. Satan did not wait to attack me. Feeding me lies that I'm not supposed to be in Chicago. I can't do anything to help from here. I need to go back home. All I have is prayer and nothing else...

Let's pause for a moment and back up. "All you have is prayer." Satan told me that that was a bad thing. I began to minimize my Jesus and feel useless. Prayer...that's all I have here. YES it is all I have here!! But prayer is not just a little conversation with God, it's my direct communication with my personal and comforting Father. It is where I bring these hurts, burdens, and even lies I am believing and falling in His arms. How dare I think prayer is the least way I can help. It should be my first go to!  

All I want to do is go home. But I can't. I am here in Chicago. And yes I love it here. So I will rest in Jesus and hold onto the one thing I know works. Prayer. 

This week has continued to confirm that God is truly the God of just enough. I feel so weak and tired right now but am still going about my day knowing that He is my strength. I think that God allowed my transition back to be easy so that when this stuff did come my way, I would have community and a place to process safely. 

I believe he is Good. I understand that I don't know everything. May the God of peace fill me. I hurt but I am at peace. I have nothing to fear- my Jesus has me completely.