the people in the events...

Throughout this fall i have grown to appreciate, to be thankful, for the season of life that i am in. It has actually been pretty refreshing to come to a place in life where i can say "Thank you Jesus for this (insert certain thing from my life)" I am even at a place where i can say that i would not change anything that has happened this year (except maybe for a redo in my attitude and perspective department). Why would i want to change ALL that God has been doing in my heart?...

Two days ago was yet another Thanksgiving. Basically another term for a normal hangout, with people i love, with extra food. Of course this is the time to verbalize what we are thankful for. I don't find it hard to be thankful for things. Like trees, Jamba Juice, family. The general.

But... a couple days ago, i found myself struggling to respond to several messages i received on Thanksgiving. The notes i got from some of these friends were so thoughtful, sweet, and super encouraging but i hesitated when writing a response. Why was i not feeling natural to do what i usually love to do? (encourage people) Was it because it was a "forced thankfulness day" and everyone was doing it, so i should too?

Looking back over this last year, i am super thankful for the good AND the hard. 

The good and hard EVENTS

but..not the PEOPLE in the good and hard EVENTS

The EVENTS that have happened this year have involved some major changes, halts, and rollercoaster days. But I don't have any bitterness, anger, or sadness with any of what has been going on in my life.

The PEOPLE who have come in and out of my life this year all have challenged me, have been a constant support, an encouragement and kept me accountable. God has used each person in my life for as a specific opportunity for me to learn and grow more in Him. I have been hurt though (as has everyone), and for some reason, those feelings seep in quite a bit.

This has been yet another year of hard and frustrating redirections with old friendships, new relationships, and a continuation of seasonal friendships. 

As i mentioned before, the messages i received were from people I dearly love, but i was overcome with emotion and, what appeared to be, unresolved issues in my heart. 

What a bizarre thing to recognize in myself! I LOVE people. LOVE them. And yet, what i love the most has often times been one of my hugest struggles.

The PEOPLE in the EVENTS play a pivotal part in this thing we call life. I need to come to a place where i am thankful not only for the things that have happened/not happened in my life, but also for the people who are in the midst of those as well.

I guess i have been picky with thankfulness. I toss around the idea of gratitude and then block out certain aspects of it. What does it really mean to be thankful for everything? everyone? something to work through.

storm of blessings...

I feel like God has drenched me with a storm of blessings. By that i mean, that in the midst of some unfun things, messed up plans, and stressful classes, i am learning to trust the Lord more and resting in his Grace which has been phenomenal, BUT ALSO...He is blessing me in simple, practical, everyday ways. Thats why i call it a storm of blessings. I seriously am so overwhelmed. He is showing me in little ways that He is FOR me and is GOOD even when my circumstances say otherwise.

A couple weeks ago I updated my status to share with the world that i finally got my first hard-earned 100% on a super hard map test. I was so excited and as a joke i slipped in my obsession of Jamba Juice, but then continued on with my day thinking nothing of it.

Today, i received my 6th Jamba giftcard. Yes six. People took the time to bless in me. like seriously?!?! So so so grateful. I mean. God is so good. The blessings keep coming. Not only did i get those giftcards but sweet encouraging letters from some people i had lost contact with. Not only was i blessed with all of this, but next week my old roomie is coming to see me, two weeks later my parents are flying out to be with me, solid friendships are beginning develop, i got to experience my first city snow..and that's just a few, a few of the blessings i have been drenched with.

i am just so loved. so loved. so grateful. so thankful. what an encouragement and challenge for me to reach out and continue to love people in the small ways.


That is all for today. Just wanted to put it in the records that i am so beyond blown away by God's grace with me in this storm of blessings that i have the privilege to be in.

heart update...

I love asking the question, "How's your heart?" to my dorm room neighbors. And have yet to actually get an answer from some of them haha. Actually, that is a really hard question to ask ourselves sometimes. How is your heart? This question forces me to stop and walk into a place that may not be pleasant. At times my heart is really not pure and it's embarrassing to look at it. At times my heart is full of joy and its so hard to put to words what God is doing in my life. At times my heart is anxious, numb, or even desiring to fill a void. It is scary to check the heart. Cause whatever is inside will eventually come out in my words, facial expressions and i am surrounded by people who will see this. If good and happiness comes out, well awesome. But if the compressed pain, frustration, or unresolved bitterness comes out at any given moment...well i have not made the world a happier place have i? Now i am not saying that feeling these "bad" feelings is terrible...but i think that i run from whats going on in my heart. I fear what the wrestling feeling means. I fear how my obedience to Christ may cause me to sacrifice the comfort and routine of my life.

So how is my heart today?

Maybe i have forgotten how to answer that question...i mean i don't have my mom next to me asking me when i wake up in the morning, or when i am coming home from work. Now it is my turn to ask this myself. Really how am i doing? Am i busying my life so i don't have to face my heart? Or am i embracing it? Maybe i am numb. I think i have begun to categorize my life as a check off list. Family back home. Dealing with unresolved situations. School. Work. Trying to make friends. Maintaing friendships back home. And as long as those are all good. im good. 

Or am i?

For my achiever side:

I have identified the season of life i am in. The Unknown. And i am ok with it.

I have realized struggles i have and am working through them slowly. 

I am trying to be present with where i am at and who all surrounds me. Choosing joy.

I am applying all that i am learning in class. Experiencing Christ actively working around me.

So i really have managed to take active steps in asking if i am ok. I am in routine. But what is missing...why does my heart continue to feel down? 

The speaker in chapel made a statement that basically was a friendly slap to my face. 

She talked about Interruptions. (A Planner's favorite thing in life)

"Quit focusing on the plan that hasn't worked. Embrace the opportunity that is before you. You will miss the opportunities if you are focused on God's redirecting of your plan."

I have been doing that...so all that to say. My heart is having trouble letting go. Not letting go of control but more of some good things no longer in my life anymore. Maybe thats why my heart is not doing superb. Just maybe.