heart update...

I love asking the question, "How's your heart?" to my dorm room neighbors. And have yet to actually get an answer from some of them haha. Actually, that is a really hard question to ask ourselves sometimes. How is your heart? This question forces me to stop and walk into a place that may not be pleasant. At times my heart is really not pure and it's embarrassing to look at it. At times my heart is full of joy and its so hard to put to words what God is doing in my life. At times my heart is anxious, numb, or even desiring to fill a void. It is scary to check the heart. Cause whatever is inside will eventually come out in my words, facial expressions and i am surrounded by people who will see this. If good and happiness comes out, well awesome. But if the compressed pain, frustration, or unresolved bitterness comes out at any given moment...well i have not made the world a happier place have i? Now i am not saying that feeling these "bad" feelings is terrible...but i think that i run from whats going on in my heart. I fear what the wrestling feeling means. I fear how my obedience to Christ may cause me to sacrifice the comfort and routine of my life.

So how is my heart today?

Maybe i have forgotten how to answer that question...i mean i don't have my mom next to me asking me when i wake up in the morning, or when i am coming home from work. Now it is my turn to ask this myself. Really how am i doing? Am i busying my life so i don't have to face my heart? Or am i embracing it? Maybe i am numb. I think i have begun to categorize my life as a check off list. Family back home. Dealing with unresolved situations. School. Work. Trying to make friends. Maintaing friendships back home. And as long as those are all good. im good. 

Or am i?

For my achiever side:

I have identified the season of life i am in. The Unknown. And i am ok with it.

I have realized struggles i have and am working through them slowly. 

I am trying to be present with where i am at and who all surrounds me. Choosing joy.

I am applying all that i am learning in class. Experiencing Christ actively working around me.

So i really have managed to take active steps in asking if i am ok. I am in routine. But what is missing...why does my heart continue to feel down? 

The speaker in chapel made a statement that basically was a friendly slap to my face. 

She talked about Interruptions. (A Planner's favorite thing in life)

"Quit focusing on the plan that hasn't worked. Embrace the opportunity that is before you. You will miss the opportunities if you are focused on God's redirecting of your plan."

I have been doing that...so all that to say. My heart is having trouble letting go. Not letting go of control but more of some good things no longer in my life anymore. Maybe thats why my heart is not doing superb. Just maybe.