September 27th: lightbulb...

Jesus Calling really gets me like every time i sit down and read the short piece of writing for the day. Sometimes i cheat and read something from a different day. Today, I did not, i innocently read the September 27th entry and now laugh because it was EXACTLY what i needed to hear. It was worded so well to the point that new  feelings were revealed to me...i love when i can't even identify what is going on in my heart then something comes along, like this book, and a lightbulb goes off. 

"Relax in my everlasting arms. Your weakness is an opportunity to grow strong in awareness of My Almighty Presence. When your energy fails you, do not look inward and lament the lack you find there. Look to Me and My sufficiency; rejoice in My radiant riches that are abundantly available to help you.

Go gently through this day, leaning on Me and enjoying My Presence. Thank me for your neediness, which is building trust bonds between us. If you look back on your journey thus far, you can see that days of extreme weakness have been some of your most precious times. Memories if these days are richly interwoven with golden strands of My intimate Presence."

I just love it all :) I would bold everything...but that would be a bit much. What really stuck out to me was "Thank me for your neediness, which is building trust bonds between us." Yes, i have identified my neediness but i have not thanked Him for it. And heres the thing...if i actually submit and thank him..i'm not being left empty handed. I am walking away trusting the Lord so much more and that is what i have been longing for, for so long.

The last sentence pretty much made me stop, halt, pause, and look back at most of my 2012 memories with a new perspective. He really was present in all of it. all of it. Now...when i look back, those moments are truly sweet. Last week i would have said that this year has been hard, frustrating, and just not my year. But the lightbulb went off. If you ask me now...yea 2012 has not been easy but it has been good. I have grown so much, actually started to understand God's intimacy, and realized walking in the unknown is exactly where God would have me...and im ok with that. 

I've given in God...you know what you are doing. You got this completely under control. 

the before and the after...

One of my favorite tv networks to watch is HGTV. No seriously. Sure i give my dad a hard time when he grabs the remote and we are stuck watching some renovation project for hours...but to be honest, i really like it. I am sure the show is geared to teach men how to build things and i really could care less about that. I am all for watching the Before and Afters. With any project, they always show how bad something is and then show how they change it up to be super awesome. I LOVE seeing what changes and how something old and boring can be taken and recreated to something new and fresh. (side note: I always wanted to be on TLC's Trading Spaces and spent hours creating my dream room. That dream never did happen, but a couple of years ago, my family created my dream room. So i'd says its a win)

Watching a whole entire episode of any show was super great (when mom was the Fun Mom and let us watch something) but then TiVo, Hulu, and Netflix were introduced. And from there...i don't think i have ever watched a full episode of any TLC or HGTV show. I always know that the ending will be awesome because they compare the Before and After to each other and its so fun to see all the changes...but I skip the Middle part entirely.

I joke around saying, "I know God is teaching me so much when I am in the midst of hard situations. But im ready to see the end results." I LOVE LOVE looking back over a season and seeing how much He has worked on my heart and how much i have grown. Comparing a picture of me Before to the me Afterwards gives me a visual that i am really growing. But heres the thing...There is no value in the After when we skip over all the hard work, all the in-between stuff. The progress (or Middle part) to get from one place to another is such an important part and yet far too often it is left in the dust.

I seriously am ok with the hard times, but AFTER everything is done. After that season ends. After a lot of time goes on and i can look back. I hate the Middle part completely. I get tired, drained, and frustrated.

Lucky for me, I have Jesus as my Carpenter, Handyman, Creator, Renovator and as i am tossed back and forth with life circumstances, He is there all the way guiding me and transforming me into what He created me to be.

So instead of hating every minute of the Middle part, i should find joy knowing that i am being renewed and refined for His glory. I feel like once i get to that place, i will appreciate the Before and After so much more.

(btw, picture credit goes to a dear mentor of mine who has made her house remarkably homey and incredibly welcoming. I figured this was better than grabbing some random picture off Google)

rain and washing dishes...

today started out practically pathetic. when you give me a research paper to write the night before then expect me to be a happy morning flower the next morning..ha. i laugh. i am simply not made for research papers let alone writing them way past my bedtime. this morning was stressful, tiring, and long. a nap was highly needed and so welcomed by myself today.

after my nap, i felt a tad bit renewed but low and behold (did i use that saying right??) today was PCM (practical christian missions) day. it takes about 30mins of travel to get to the soup kitchen with my team and when we arrive we set out to prepare yummy food(no i'm serious...the cook is a legit chef). This week i was placed as the dishwasherer.....which if you know me...that is the last place you would find me out. (and once again i sacrificed my wrinkly finger issue) I got into a rhythm and washing the trays became very easy. i started to feel more energized knowing that i was serving in my most comfortable form (behind the scenes). For me, serving behind the scenes gives me a visual that God alone gets the glory and i am His grateful servant ready to take on any opportunity to love people.

as i was cleaning up the tables, one of the helpers asked me my name and after i said it. His reaction took me aback. He got so excited to hear a new name that he had never heard before that he started going around to everyone telling what my name was. For some reason that really encouraged me. Made me feel special and loved. Words mean a lot to me, a lot lot, and to hear my name used with such excitement holds so much value to me. How often do we intentionally bring meaning and value to peoples' names by simply adding that extra emotion??

As we walked back...a rain smell came. you know..that smell that comes right before a nice downpour. Waiting for the train while the rain was pouring down...breathtaking.

I was reenergized today. Why? Because i actually asked God for energy from Him not from myself....and He used my normal circumstances to fill me up.

not ibuprofen this time...

crying. tears. that wet stuff that comes from your eyes. i have never been against it nor do i ever try to avoid it. crying though, does not happen every day for me and when i do get hit with a wall of emotion its usually at the most inconvenient time and every time, yes every time...it catches me off guard. i forget that crying is even an emotion so when i get beads of water rolling down my face i am utterly shocked.

i have many different types of crying. and i think my tears a couple nights ago would be the first time i'd consider it a good cry This cry was not the uncontrollable cry that i had before i left home in August. This cry was not the angry one i had when i found out about a dear family going through something devastating. This cry was not the silent tears while driving home from a long day. This cry was not from the sudden frustrations i found myself in trying to figure out where i belong here at Moody. Im truly amazed by how many different cries i have had over the course of this year.

The cries i have gone through have visually taught me what "brushing things off" does to me emotionally and physically. My tendency during the hard times is not to embrace but to ignore. I don't hand everything to the Lord and my result is sinking in a mud puddle of pain. (where my reaction is always, "again, it happened again?"

So for my good cry. The reason i say that i had a good cry is because im much much closer to being healed. After i cry, usually someone asks if i feel better and i say "yes, i feel much better" but in reality...im fine for only the time being...i usually have another breakdown a couple weeks later. (sorry to all who are blessed with my multiple cries :) ) But this cry... after this cry, i literally felt like i had taken another step in processing through things.

Here comes my cheesy analogy. Most cries are like ibuprofen, they bring relief for some time but the next day there is always the possibility that the pain will come back. Good cries are like some homeopathic medicine where although the results may not be instant, it will most definitely aid you in the healing process. Maybe this only makes sense to me. (side note having nothing to do with my point: i usually make fun of homeopathic medicines calling them "Mom Myths"but in this case, they work in my favor)

So yea, i feel much better now. I recognize my struggle but im embracing them and really looking up to Christ as i am in desperate need of him. My bitterness and hurt have dropped so much and i feel so much more free. Obviously i am still in a process but baby steps :)  I think we all need some good cries in the midst of all the other cries.

worth the wait...

a year and a half later and i am living in my favorite city, loving every minute of being a student at my dream school. my journey to get here has been far from easy. what a year last year. a year that prepared me. a year that really shook me.

i would not replace this last year for a moment and because of the hard year, i am so much more thankful to be where i am now.

what ive learned:

-being rejected 2 times from a school does not mean that they hate you. it means that God just does not have that on the agenda.

-my plans may be awesome but none of them have worked out. and His plans have gone beyond my wildest dreams.

-don't give up when things are hard and there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel

-i really don't trust God like i thought i did

-i was not have been ready for the city last year


and those are just some of the things i learned (the hard way) this last year.

Today i got a job. What a blessing. God knew exactly my needs and provided. Boy its ridiculous how little i think of Him sometimes...like the God of the universe just doesn't understand my financial needs. I am getting new glimpses of how truly personal and intimate he wants to be with me. What a gift that i have so carelessly thrown around. I am so thankful. After i left the job interview, i jumped (literally) with joy. I was just in awe that He was there every step of the way. In my anxiety, meltdowns, doubts, he was there.