memories of 2011

Evacuation
Wyoming
Graduation
Grad nite
Getting a job at BBW
Becoming a wsm leader
Hume trip (ams and michelle)
Summer nights with juju and sean
Pinterest (cat board)
Got a laptop
Severely sprained ankle (Halloween costume)
Cabin for new years
Pj and sheri
Haters gonna hate
Formal
Met cambria, kim
Michael Buble concert
College trip with Kathryn
Reconnecting with Sammy and mandy
Became closer to juju, melody, Darbi and sean
Redding trip with haley
learned a lot about what relationships look like
saw a ton of good movies

winter cabin...

Soo its official. My perfect weekend away is going up to a cabin in the middle of nowhere…having no responsibilities, no time crunches, snow outside. Now add a boyfriend in…more perfect. But I can wait ☺

tattoo...

So ive made a decision. For my 19th birthday I want to get a tattoo.

Reasons:
I want to be “rebellious” (mom said it was ok….so my plan to be rebellious is defeated-but im still going to be “rebellious”)
I LOVE small tattoos…not ones that you can see at first glance but ones with a story. I wouldn’t want someone to be distracted by my tattoo if we were in a conversation.

I am only getting words. Now I am not promising to only get one tattoo throughout my life….but I do promise it will always have meaning and never be a picture.

I am still trying to decide what I want.

Some ideas:
Locations- wrist, inside arm, foot, upper neck
I am looking at doing a few words. I want it to be a conversational starter.
The tattoo will “sum up” in words a reminder of what I have struggled with, grown in, and how God has played an instrumental part in helping me overcome it.


So we will see…..

The cheesy things in life…

Something about me. I LOVE sweet quotes and sayings- the normal person would call them cheesy or ridiculous and they really are, but for some reason they just get me!

I am a pretty cheesy person myself so a hint….future boyfriend- Im not into chick flicks but there has to be cute lines in the movie. The predicted lines that make you go “they could have done better- this is cheesy” will be the lines I go “I wish I was in the movie” so I am not that girly romantic movie watcher but im a sucker for those simple words.

the lies. the struggle. the growth

so i am writing with tears in my eyes. but i feel like i need to write out what i have been processing for some time now. I have finally sat down and confronted things i was hoping would just go away. for years now i have let lies become my new truth and it has ruined many conversations, and caused a feeling of unworthiness in me. i got the opportunity to sit down with an amazing woman of God and after a few hours of talking, i felt like challenged to actually work on breaking the lies that tied me down.

my biggest lie:



Basically i walk around every day believing i am a failure at everything i do and that one mistake is not an opportunity to grow but adding to the list of "How i am not good enough." i have let this rule me for years. The gal i talked with for hours challenged me to counteract this lie with some truth (whether it was a verse or not) although the truth i decided on seems simple, she told me that it helped her get through battles. well for this last week- i felt very refreshed and energized. there were several times where i had to say it to myself and i did feel a bit better. but nothing huge huge came until tonight. i feel like any comment directed at who i am hurts me more than a comment directed at what i am doing. a comment was made that hurt me and i instantly thought "I wasn't good enough and i thought i was the best i could be" the person meant nothing harsh by it was i am having such a hard time battling this right now.

i want to be done with this lie.
i want to walk in Christ's energy so i can move on.

half way done...

SO what a busy week for finals week. Work....i love it and i laugh that out of all the weeks to schedule me a ton, it would be during finals. Im super tired and haven't had must rest. but you know, it's better than i thought. I have quite a few highs and lows so far. WSM middle school (youth group) is great every week and im excited that im starting to get to know my 87th graders by name and seeing their fun and diverse personalities, what a blessing it is to be their leader. Im starting to establish friendships with my coworkers and God has opened up so many opportunities to shine Christ, im amazed that He chooses to use me, a college freshmen, to mirror Christ in the work environment. May i just say coming home to "Christmas" is great. There is usually homemade apple cider, Michael Buble playing in the background, the fire going, the lights lit up, and my family. Its like dream season for me. Im ready for a break break in Washington though. I miss everyone up there- my grandma especially. After spring break i feel like me and her hit a new level of grandma-granddaughter relationship. like i want to hang out with her and soak in a much of her cute humor as much as possible.

Now for my lows....with this i feel like i don't want to stop at my lows but find good in it.
When it comes down to it, im not bummed staying here in fresno at all, im bummed with the people who were in and out of life in a matter of months. two of my close friends are in a different state or in a program in the mountains, so i dont hear from them often and the people who stayed in fresno as well....well we aren't friends anymore. some of them came home for the holidays and are meeting up with those who stayed here (all except me). although i know this is the place where God is having me, its sad to see that my old friends are all still besties and wanting to hang out. i lived so much life with them last year and it was gone before i knew it....meaning that i hung onto them and didnt allow for God. This season has shown me that i NEED him to help me not stay in a state of anger, bitterness, or hurt. In Christ alone. do i believe that?

BUT the people he has placed in my life are AMAZING!

Lets start with my sister-julianne. She has been through quite a lot this year and has GROWN so much in who she is in Christ. The little emotion she once showed is now filled with funny, light hearted sarcasm and caringness. She is looking above herself and constantly loving me when i don't deserve it. I love hanging out with her and we have created so many memories this year. IM THANKFUL to be here this year because we have developed such a strong relationship. Even how we resolve conflict has changed and i can see how loyal she is. I have myself a sister who is so rare and am lucky to have her this close to me. The people who hurt her are missing out on her joy and compassion. (Thats just my protective sister side coming out)

We had a couple move into our guest bedroom, they have been here for almost 2 months, and they have blown my mind. The love they have for each other and us is such a gift! PJ-well he can just make me laugh about anything and we even have a couple inside joke. Sheri- man she is one of the most genuine and incredibly loving people i know. She is such a servant and listens to my ridiculous dramatic stories. IM THANKFUL to be here this year because they have blessed me in so many way and challenged me in my walk with Christ by how they love each other and serve Him daily.

Melody- she used to live with us and we learned to love each other but our relationship didn't take off until last year. She started invest into my life and we started to see that we could relate to a lot of things. I love our time together- if its watching Bones or sitting next to each other in church. IM THANKFUL to be here this year because im friends with a determined and sweet gem.

Kim-im interning under her this year and we have met up a few times at panera. spending time with her is def. a top highlight for me this year. I would easily consider her a mentor and a gift to me this season. Her lifestyle challenges me to continue to seek Christ and invest into people who are hard to love. She is so encouraging. IM THANKFUL to be here this year because she didn't have to invest into my life and yet she loves on me in the midst of my processing.

Sean- im not quite sure how to explain how friendship. it is built on a foundation of health i would say. he seeks Christ and so automatically our friendship is not superficial. we both have an understanding that guys and girls are not meant to be bffs for life but i truly believe that God has allowed for us to be close friends in this season of life. i know that it will not stay this close but am completely content knowing that. our friendship is based on growing and challenging each other for Christ. he has made me a better person in this year and i have seen now how a guy can treat a girl with Christs love and not with a sin intent. Most guys would not want to be close friends with a girl they werent attracted to but he is. IM THANKFUL for his friendship to me and how much he has loved on my family and me.

ashley-my future roommate. she is loyal. she is in love with Christ. she is a good solid friend. im excited to meet her next year and continue growing together.

i need to keep perspective, cause i have really been blessed.

the fear is legit...

I decided I need a break from the overwhelming mess of school work, I have reached the end of week 7 (out of 8 weeks) and although i am very proud to have made it this far, i am not at in a state of peace, or a willingness to push on through. why is this?

I have been assigned the WORST thing possible. To speak. to give a speech. to film myself giving a speech. to be in the spotlight for at least 10minutes. even as i write this, my tummy is all jumbled up and i have a huge lump in my throat. you must be thinkng, "ashlyn, it's just a speech." or "it takes confidence and practice" Yes you are so right, and i pretty much gave up on even trying to explain the extent of my fear. I left my explanation to a simple, "It's worse than a fear." That is the only way I could express what i felt.

You may think "oh well you haven't done it enough." well here is a list of all the times i was in the spotlight. never did i walk into it feeling ok, never in the middle of my speech did i feel "wow im doing good!", and never have i walked away feeling relieved. just even thinking about past times makes me feel sick to my stomach.

-i was in several musicals (although i can't sing or act, i thought that i could get rid of my fear...nope)
-i helped host a Father-Daughter conference at Hume Lake with my dad (i thought standing in front of 200 people simply giving announcement would be ok....fail)
-i was a part of several poetry contests (always turned red when i looked at the judges)
-i stood in front of family and friends to explain my science fair
-i spoke to the people who attended my baptism this year, and that is the only one im ok that i struggled with
-i spoke to my youth group (over 100) about my missions trip to kenya
-i had to be filmed for a youth group video
-i had to lead events at school for Peer Counseling (leadership class)

my fear plays out day to day:

-calling for pizza
-calling Moody Bible just to ask a simple question
-group interviews for a job
-answering the phone at work
-volunteering to do an activity at youth group (up on stage)
-praying in a large group
-giving my testimony in front of more than 3 people
-when standing in a group and someone says "Well. Ashlyn said this...."

whenever i hear the words "Ashlyn, what do you think?", or "Ashlyn, will you read this out loud for me", both in church and school settings, any time the adult brought the attention(aka spotlight) on me i about wanted to die. I am totally fine answering a question or talking to a my Bible study friends, but only when i decide to can i feel ok. Feeling the spotlight on me when i had no intention being a part of it makes me literally want to throw up.

i knew that i wasn't the only one who had a fear like this, but i am surrounded by my mom (who speaks at conferences), and outgoing friends (who are ok talking).


This speech that i am working on....man....im just so torn up inside. BUT after all that....the reason i am even posting this fear of mine is because i know more info on it now :)

I have what you call, PSA or " Public Speaking Apprehension". See most people get butterflies before they speak and then it leaves, or they practice and their nervousness leaves. There are even people who have mastered the fear of public speaking. PSA is different though, its a legit fear, and i am not the only one!!! As i was reading my school book it started talking about it and i was finding that i could relate to all their examples of it. It makes me feel better to know that i am not making this fear up or being super dramatic (some people think i am)....

so it looks like its going to take a TON of work to figure out how to be ok at even talking on the phone or talking in a classroom but i know how to communicate now to my teachers to let them know.

the speech i am going to give next week will probably not be A quality but i will do my best.

roller coaster of....life

there were many ups and downs today. my heart is heavy yet so thankful. tomorrow will be a good day (Thanksgiving) but today....man. Everything piled up on my again. My strength was all me and i am now running to God wondering whats wrong...oh right because i am human and my energy will not get me very far. I feel so alone again. Where is my identity right now? Im in a season without strong female friends. I got to sit down and process what has been going on in my heart- it was so good to share with someone who actually cares and i walked away feeling room to breath finally. but it seems the moment i breath something comes up. i walked away from another conversation feeling confused, icky, and so drained. "God i am tired. I am tired of going to Bible school because now i dont even open the word up just for fun. I am tired of no friends. I am tired of seeing my old friends move on. im tired."

remember ashlyn....God is the God of JUST ENOUGH.

He has blessed me with the best family ever. He has blessed me with a car. He has blessed me with a great job. He has blessed me with fog, beautiful trees, and the ability to relax. He has blessed me with the opportunity to serve and love on Jr. Highers. I am so blessed. My focus should be this.

smell of colors...

hello this a very content Ashlyn talking right now :) so i think i have found an all time favorite spot in fresno. Starbucks at Fig Garden- sure its out of the way BUT its so fun, classy, and not a normal starbucks. Here i am sitting by myself, drinking some white chocolate mocha, listening to "coffee shop" music, oblivious to time, people watching- i feel like im in a movie and could not ask for a better morning. seriously- i love taking people to coffee and sitting and talking for hours but i think i LOVE being with people in silence a little more. So if anyone wants to just to homework or write, and doesn't want to talk but wants to be with people-call me up. i don't want to leave!!

i took my new testament quiz and got a B on it! yes im happy, after two weeks of D's this is called success and making progress. just taking school one week at a time.

i decided to commit to at least a semester working with the middle school at church and am excited to see what God has in store for me.

oh and im all fall-like: cute burnt orange scarf, target uggs, brown shirt, dark jeans, hair in fun ponytail, glasses- yea classy.

outside FALL TREESSSS eeeek i LOVE trees :)

love moments like this...

For my online classes, there are weekly questions and as I looked back on what I had written a few weeks ago, i stopped at this one. I feel like this very much shows where I am at.

"Being hurt and disregarded as little worth with several friendships I have had in my life, has both grown and challenged me. I started to look for not only a friend of amazing character who would not stab me in the back but to become that friend for anyone I come into contact with that I had not found yet. Loyalty was an automatic for me. Never did I think people would just walk out on me because of what I believed in, or someone better was found. Loyalty was in my blood- never did I think of leaving any friend whether there was some conflict needing to be worked out. Loyalty means that no matter how the friend is treated, they looked past the hurtful action, show grace and forgive them. Loyalty means sticking at something that is not always fun and easy. Loyalty is intention and putting energy into something. Loyalty is by far something I cherish. When I am blessed with a loyal friend- I am so thankful and when God has allowed someone who is not necessarily a good friend, I will love on and invest my love and be that loyal friend. (Who knows, I may be that one opportunity that the person gets to see Christ revealed) Loyalty is something I used to expect but have learned cherish. It’s a reminder that although at time we all fall short of being loyal to a friend, God is always there and is Loyal.


Happiness. So much is etched into that word. I love making plans and to do lists. I need 24hrs to be informed of a change and if I am not…I pretty much freak out inside. (At home I show it by turning robotic- not being flexible and honest-like I should) Being content has been a constant struggle for me. Happiness is a mere feeling and being content is not just a feeling but a perspective. I find I more enjoy life if I am not so worked up on all the wrong things in my life. Being here at home-doing school all by myself at my kitchen table, no college friends is not my dream place I’d like to be. I am a fellowship girl. I love living in community and right now God has placed me in what I call “Solitary Confinement” season. I constantly ask- what am I doing here? Why why why? As if my plan is better than Gods. Haha. If my perspective changed a littler- I would see that I am so blessed in life and although I am not in the midst of “a happy season” my perspective needs to change and from that I will find a sense of peace, leading to contentment, which leads to a less worrying life and is more fun, fun leads to happiness. I need to focus on the root rather than the branch (result) of happiness.


I JUST GOT BACK FROM CBU (CAL BAPTIST UNIVERSITY). IT WAS A 2 DAY TRIP, SHORT AND SPONTANEOUS. I GOT THE PRIVILEGE TO SIT IN A CAR WITH A CHILDHOOD FRIEND AND HAVE SUCH GREAT, DEEP, AND CHALLENGING CONVERSATIONS. I GOT TO TOUR A BEAUTIFUL SCHOOL AND SURPRISE A DEAR FRIEND. MY FRIEND TRIED OUT FOR CHIOR AND AS I SAT WATCHING THE AMAZING VOICES (DEF. HAD CHILLS) MY ONLY THOUGHT WAS "I WOULD NOT WANT TO BE ANYWHERE ELSE. I AM COMPLETELY CONTENT." I AM SO THANKFUL MY FRIEND ASKED ME TO GO. I GOT A CHANCE TO BREATH. PAUSE. AND GROW IN RELATIONSHIPS. MAN. IT ENERGIZED ME FOR THIS WEEK AND I FEEL LIKE I HAVE SUCH A REFRESHED PERSPECTIVE. :)

From this week.... my heart in ministry is leaning towards loving and investing on missionary kids in Kenya. How that looks and what i do- i have NO idea yet. But Thanks to this trip im starting to see where my passions are exactly..now im trying to figure out what talents God has given me to use and how i can best use them effectively.

One (or 11) TOO many

I busy myself when things aren't going according to plan. When thinks are stressing me out, when life is not happening the way i want them i don't head for my Bible, i don't talk it up with God either. we all resort to something that gets our mind off of whatever the problem is. I have busied myself with TV Shows this season. Because i am not surrounded by many people this fall, i have upgraded from sticking my nose in books for hours on end to watching hours of shows.

TV SHOWS i watched for the past 2 months...
New Girl -20 min (watch alone)
Castle -45min (watch with people)
Modern Family -20min (watch with people)
The middle -20min (watch alone)
Person of interest -45 min (watch alone)
Terra Nova -45min (watch alone)
Bones -45min (watch with people)
Hart of Dixie -45min (watch alone)
Unforgettable -45min (watch alone)
Body of Proof -45min (watch alone)
Up all night -20min (watch alone)
A gifted man -45min (watch alone)
Once upon a time -45min (watch alone)
Pan am -45min (watch alone)
NCIS LA -45min (watch with people)

On a weekly basis i watched 575mins a week. 10 hours of shows every week. HOLY MOLY!

I have no problem with the shows i watch, but i do have a huge issue with the amount of time i spend on my laptop just watching shows. Here i am complain that i have no time but here is 10 easy hours to be with my family, spend some good time in the Bible, hang out with friends, sleep. I sprained my foot this week and my life has been put on pause, im sure because there is no way i would have stopped and just breathed for a second. Finally after 5 days in bed- im starting to get the picture haha. I'm rethinking how my perspective even is about my time here in Fresno. Im rethinking boundaries with friendships. Im rethinking the root of my "issues". Im rethinking how i spend my time. It took a sprain to make me pause...gosh i just love learning the hard way....


SOOOOOOOO.....Here is me trying to grow and change in this area of life.

Watching Tv shows is like a very happy hobby of mine and it's fun to do with friends but if you look above look how many shows i actually watch with people vs. on my laptop in my room. I am only going to watch 4 shows now. FOUR. not 15. why four? no idea- felt it was a good number for myself. and ill change it if i need to.

The shows i will now watch:

The only show i will watch by myself- to relax and enjoy.


After the high school seniors are done with Bible study at our house every wednesday- anyone can stay to watch it. This show is like my "Friends" show. I can watch it over and over again.


This is like MY SHOW...this is the last season :( BUT, i watch this with Melody. Good times good times.


Sean comes over every monday night and me, Juju and him watch it- TRADITION :) a highlight of my week.

its only been a week?

what a long week. like long long. this week i started two new classes for Moody. this week i worked 6 days straight. this week a couple moved into our guest bedroom. this week i missed out on yet another lifegroup hangout. this week...this week drained me. im so tired. im feeling so alone. i felt so much weight this week from hearing so many sad stories from many around me. im a tradition girl and today is halloween...that tradition is unfortunately not happening this year and all i think is "could not have asked for a better way to end this week." hear the hint of sarcasm? yes im struggling. so in the midst of struggle i need to remind myself that:


GOD IS THE GOD OF just enough

Hey God...it's me Ash

God thank you for the opportunities you have placed me in to shine you (work). Give me the words to say and the confidence to display you in everything that I do. I pray for my friend who is searching for something greater right now (you)- open her heart today as she sits next to me in church. May our conversation afterwards be glorifying. I'm running low on energy and I'm ready to crash- give me some energy (for i dont want to resort to energy drinks..ewww) Thanks for this great fall day :)
Ash

kenna and caleb

so i have always liked kids-like im good at watching them and i think most of them are cute- but they took a lot of energy out of me and it wasn't a hobby or anything. well i decided to expand my horizons and try nannying out. yes i fell in love.

kenna-2yrs old-is a crack up and super amazing. she loves to dance and has to do everything on her own (typical oldest sibling) she loves running around with as little clothes as she can get away with. she loves dora and im growing quite fond of the show myself after watching the same episode more than enough times.

caleb was the first baby i have taken care of outside of the church setting. he is soooo cute and im excited to watch him grow up and start crawling and talking.


I LOVE THEM BOTH!! It's so fun and although i am tired by the end of the day im thankful that me staying here for the year gives me this great opportunity to be with them :) i have like my own family outside my family. :)

an Ashlyn adventure...

whoops i guess i didnt post this in october...when i say "lets go to starbucks or lets go on a road trip" that automatically means that there will be some sort of adventure involved. This weekend was no exception. Me and my childhood friend decided to drive 6hrs north to a town i had never heard of before until this year, to visit a friend attending Simpson University in Redding, ca. Boy what a trip. First off....i have driven 3hrs...max at a time....so 6hrs. 14hrs total-was a very different experience. California is flat. Why does everyone love this state so much...like there are pockets of nothingness-come on wagon trainers, california is not all that amazing from sacramento up to redding.

i learned a few things:

-its easy to speed when the road it flat for hours on end. then when you see that you need to go the legal speed limit, 70mph feels like 15mph.
-there are many big dead dogs on the side of the road or in ghetto neighborhoods (we got lost quite a few times)
-a GPS is a lifesaver! until it sends you in the wrong direction when trying to get home. "GPS do NOT tell me where i live!"-yes i argued with Jezebel (thats my GPS's name)
-there is no point in cleaning the windows at gas stops- those bugs are just drawn and have no respect for my beautiful car
-i don't like driving alongside huge trucks on bridges- i feel so enclosed- so i talk to myself aloud to calm my stresses
-make tons of CD's but make 2 sets (one for the trip there and one going home) the same songs that used to be my favorite are now the culprit of headaches
-make sure your passenger puts their seatbelt on...never assume they are smart enough to remember :)

it's a humble brag....i have the best family

meet my family. they are my life. they are that "one thing" i would grab if the house caught on fire (if for some reason my dad couldn't put it out with his manly skills). i have shared so much with them- most all my best memories in life have them involved in some way or another. Not many families get the opportunity to go to kenya together and serve. not many families have strong solid relationships with one another. not all families have environments where yelling and fighting are not in the "family vocab". not many families have lived in the mountains for 13yrs where kids' imaginations are so big; where they would watch our parents serve people daily. not many families have a home that is not only a safe place for them, but for floor builders, neighbors, mutual friends, and close besties. not many families would pick their siblings as their first choice to hang out on a friday night. not many families can walk into conflict in a healthy manner. not many families enjoy highs and lows at dinner. not many families are as blessed as i am. i could not have asked for any more or any less family. we are the perfect number-perfect age difference. ok so im not saying we are the perfect family- disfunction is found in every single family in some form or another but i think its safe to say we work daily for building relationships and showing grace that a super healthy environment is established.



my father. daddy is his name. Bri-no if he's not listening. Papaya.
He is like the wisest person ever. He is constantly serving his family and like everyone else. As i am writing this he is fixing my car- like im not having to pay for anything and he is spending his day off serving me....wow. after a school friend came to my family in the midst of rebellion and struggle i got to see firsthand how caring yet fatherly he truly is. every word was thought out and spoken in love and grace. im so thankful to grow up learning from him.



momma. momsie
oh she is insanely amazing!!! like i cant think of one person who doesnt like her. and you know....its because she is firm in who she is with Christ so whoever runs into her sees Him in her and not only falls in love with her personality but the very root of why she is who she is (Jesus). She is my like highest role model. She's my friend, mentor, and is constantly challenging me to grow. i lOVE LOVE LOVE her to death!!!



Kylen. kyky. ky-leen. brutha
it hasnt been till recent that i have really gotten close with my amazing caring and funny brother. our bonding moments seem to be because of our green car. yes we are those people who turn the music up loud (we have our spanish song) and belt out our voices, off key of course to spark magic. although we have very different interests and views in this season in life- we are close and i love him to death...just like my mom...i love them ALL to death haha




julianne (when im mad) juju butt. ju-belee. juju bee. ju-belini. ju.
shes one of my closest friends. we are exact opposite but because of shared experiences with friendships (lack of) we have def bonded. she is one of the most hilarious people i know and im not being biased- i only speak truth :) she is so good at art, keeping her closest looking like the rainforest. thanks to her i am more lighthearted.

8 weeks. 2 months. after my final test today i will have completed 2 of 8 classes for my first year of school online. boy what a bumpy ride it has been for me. i have been seeing that PERSPECTIVE has affected my journey in this season of life and what i am deeply struggling with is CONTENTMENT. i just can't be happy with all that im blessed with....sounds downright ridiculous. so i want to make a list of why im thankful for THIS season in my life.

-i do not have time to invest into many people so its ok God's only placed a few people in my life
-I get to walk alongside Godly people like Kim Feil and Ashley Brannan and my mom
-I am learning what it means to be a Godly friend with very diverse friendships i have been placed in
-I get to live with my family for another year and some of my closest friends are now my sister and brother
-Fresno in the fall (fog, cold)
-Going to the Well Community Church
-Working at Bath and Body Works
-I have a car
-I get to go on road trips


Even though the list is not as long as other seasons in life- when i take a step back- im blessed beyond belief and if i focus, not on what i don't have, but God has blessed with me, i feel like i will have more energy, have a teachable heart, and looking back in years to come say "that was such a great learning year" whether or not its an easy season in my life.

cozzied up... finally :)

hello fall- you have finally come! yes im all snug in a red sweatshirt, my legs happily warm in a soft blanket- am sitting at the kitchen table staring out the window. its my weather. this is my happy place.

overcast. almost about to rain. rainy day music playing.

yes indeed. this is just what i needed after a hard week. i saw this on http://justlittlethings.net/ and felt it was very much appropriate

a new meaning..

so as im reading 111 pages in my theology book- something new popped out. I always seem to think of Bible stories as applicable lessons from everyday men who were sinners like me....but for some reason those men and writers of the Bible never seemed like real.

Moses-political leader
Joshua-military leader
David-shepherd
Solomon-king
Amos-herdsman and grower of sycamore figs
Daniel-Prime minister
Matthew-tax collector
Luke-medical doctor
Paul-rabbi
Peter-fisherman

are just some....but look at the diversity of their vocations. We get perspective from all around. And these men wrote from actual continents....like Asia, Africa, and Europe!!! Jeremiah wrote from Egypt in Africa...Africa....like I went to Kenya....like that Africa and John wrote as a banished person on the island of Patmos and Paul wrote FIVE books in prison. Holy Moly!

Im just super stoked!

what is going on?

God what are you doing? really? like you know me...you know i can make a simple matter super complicated by just thinking about it. what are you trying to teach me? you know when i struggle i push people away. you know when i mess up i dont want to stand up and try again. you know i walk in my own strength and end up getting sick from stress. obviously you are trying to show me that you are enough and the only way im learning is the hard way. why am i so stubborn? if i know the answer to these questions why do i continue to walk in the flesh?

guarding my heart- guess i didn't know

i keep getting hurt. and its on me. i sit back looking at other girls who don't guard their heart and end up getting hurt by a boy. i chuckle thinking they could be smarter and yet here i am in the midst of the same thing but just in a different context. the danger about becoming friends with a guy is the possibility of you or the guy getting lead on by accident. its inevitable that one or both will start having feelings for each other. guys and girls are not meant to be good friends without the end result being marriage. God placed attraction in all of us. i have grown up being friends with a lot of boys and the way i work is to build deep relationships. deep relationship are great- but only with girls and if im planning on marrying that boy. deep relationships with boys that are just friends start a string of mistakes. emotional attachments. man those are super dangerous. i figured if i cut out the physical part of a relationships i would be fine but i now see that i lean on the emotional side of things and get so wrapped up i walk away hurt. within high school there have been a total of 8 boys that i became practically best friends with and the cycle i seemed to go on was -hang out a ton (mostly in a large group), text, talk, live life together you know, and then i start to see after a while an attraction. now i have never fallen for these boys because of looks (like they were cute) but because i was friends with them first i fell for who they were.in the end they usually didn't see me like that, there were red flags on dating them or because of their actions they accidentally lead me on because of my emotions. ashlyn why did it take so long to figure out you have a major heartbreak issue going on? i feel like everyone has a childhood sweetheart and whether or not a friendship continues there will always be that special spot in your heart for them. i had one of those. and subconsciously any words he said i held onto and any kind action he showed me i took as more than friends. was there ever a conversation about it? no. i have been told numerous times not to assume the boy likes you (even is EVERYONE is telling you so) unless it comes from his mouth. im seeing i assume and now because im an extremist, all i want to do now is completely block guys out of my life. its my fault this happens and i know nothing else...

hume kid 101

this morning i skyped with a dear friend and a very interesting topic came up that really got me thinking. i don't think people have any idea what former hume kids go through in life after leaving their beloved bubble in the mountains. when people take a look at the bunch of us who have moved away, they would see great family atmospheres, maturity in not only interacting with other people but he depth of understand of Jesus. the battles hume kids face is very unique and hard to explain to the average person. its one of those "you have to live it to fully understand" missionary kids from kenya would relate more to us than a good friend who goes to church with me. what is it we face daily? as i skyped with my friend, i began to see that we ALL face (faced) the same feelings, situations, and reactions. and the sad thing is, is that there is nothing anyone can say or do that will get us out of the struggles we face (is a personal struggle with God alone).

im blogging this in hopes it gives a glimpse into the life of a blessed and yet misunderstood Christian life we live.

Living at a Christian Camp for most of my life provided such a dream childhood and i would not change it for the world. Forest was all around, we had all seasons of weather, it was safe, nothing too bad happened, afternoons were spent hanging out on one of the many rocks and fields just talking about life. Everyone's house was home to another. We were blessed with huge imaginations and would come up with the best stories to act out outside for hours on end. We were given the opportunity to start working at 11 and from that our work ethic was strong for a young kid. We were around ministry daily and got to see changed lives and our parents serving the Lord. We got to go to camp every year. Hume was a Disneyland we never had to leave. I became a Christian on my own when i was 10 at summer camp. Hume gave me a strong foundation of who i was and gave me a confidence i thought everyone down in the valley had. Jump ahead to freshman year in high school. i moved.

My world shook and before i knew it i was in states of depression. i hated life. i wanted to be done with christianity. did i hate Jesus? no way jose. how did i go form the "perfect" life and being happy to moving into a big house and new friends and become so desperate to get out? i wasnt missing out on a relationship in my life. so what was i missing? here is the sucky thing about growing up at hume. from day one we were taught Jesus inside and out. we had a ton of knowledge but we never had to apply it. when i moved, there were overwhelming circumstances that caused me to fall on the ground in a frantic state.

did you know that we feel so alone? so isolated? so unrelatable?

disneyland..its not a love..its an obsession

For those who know me well- beach boys, pineapple dole whips, tiki room, fast passes, fireworks- is my heaven. This would be, my dear friends, Disneyland. Want to win my heart- take me there. Want me to love you forever- take me there and do all my dland traditions with me!


Traditions:

I have, have to get a Pineapple dole whip and eat it while enjoying the tiki room show (the show is for 5yr olds but i just love it!)



Go on Splash Mountain at least 2 times


Go on the jungle cruise to hear the cheesy jokes (the girls are never funny)



-If I see Cruella DeVil take a picture (she scares me in the movie- but i LOVE talking to her in real life!)

-Watch the Aladdin Show

dancing my heart away

I was able to go to several dances and every one of them were all so different and such a blast! This was def on my "list before i die" but...i never got asked to a dance, so i am officially adding it to my list. i hope to be asked to a dance before my wedding night...but i will survive if i have to waits haha.


Sadies-Sophomore Year- I got the privilege of going with a dear friend to me, Timothy Souza (Timmy). We went with a group whom I knew no one at but it was a blast! We were the best dressed there. Theme: Night In the Big City :we chose Hawaiian tourist.



First formal! Junior Year. Hume put on a formal for Hume kids and Calen Plouffe asked me to go with him. It was one of my favorite nights of the year.



First prom! Junior Year. Theme: Cinderella Story. Went with Calen Plouffe again. Our group consisted of several foreign exchange students and two other couples. The night ended with a Pancake Bar! First time I actually slow danced with real dance moves taught to Calen by Rich Baker.



BEST DANCE AWARD GOES TO: Winter Formal- Senior Year. Theme: A night at the Oscars. I had the best dance partner ever! Our group was pretty much fantastic. Our limo for the night was an old fire truck. We got dance lessons from amazing dancers. Dinner was fantastic. The night ended with Minute to win it games- boys vs girls. What a night to remember. This is where new friendships were established and old ones strengthened so much-all because of a high school dance.


WSM Barn Dance

One of my favorite WSM events planned!!

Hume dance fun. Summer 2010


Dance lessons taught by Christie Alvarado. Because my dad was not at Hume, Calen was again my dance partner. Square dancing was so much fun!



Hoe Down Dance- Location: Ark. This was one of my favorite memories at Hume that summer. Calen and I ended up dancing for the night with several other fun dance partners. Go square dancing!

college...am i there yet?

it is now week 3. week 3! crazy how time has flown. there have been a bunch of fun things that have gone on while at the same time never have i been so overwhelmed with life. i am seriously struggling big time. do i like fresno? YES I LOVE IT and YES IM FINE STAYING HERE. don't get me wrong fresno is great! but as i sit back and watch friends go to college, move out of the house and enjoy dorm life, i am here at home. what is God doing in me? let me tell you. a lot so far. More than i am comfortable with honestly. So far i have been learning that i need to study...like really study and not just do it for school but to actually learn and soak up new things. Tomorrow i start work....bath and body works baby. im nervous. why? well my life has been food service galore and now im moving into a completely new job. i hope that i will enjoy it, work my best, and be able to shine Christ. Nannying starts up in a week-which is new for me too. Lifegroup starts on tuesday with Ashley!! SUPER EXCITED!!! so right now 2 words to describe life for me is. STRETCHED and NEW. im used to TRADITION and CONTROL

a thing called online classes

its only day two and IM LOVING it!!!!!! the grind is not officially my classroom and im so happy im already connecting with my other classmates whom i hope to meet in a year. i didnt think hours a day in God's word knowing im not only pursuing my dreams but also growing in my relationship with Him. Learned a new word today: hermeneutical- to make clear, interpret. go me! and one of the top things i got out of reading today. "The value of this doctrine (He doesn’t change) is enormous: since God does not change, His love and His promise forever remain certain. For example, He will never change concerning His promise in John 3:16" Didn't know theology would interest me so much. :) This has been one of the happier days of the year!

i vocalize...and yet

i vocalize how much honesty means to me and yet i look straight into my best friend's eyes, say nothing, my eyes lying saying im hiding something

i vocalize that talking things out makes processing easier and yet when someone is willing to listen i bottle up and shut the door on them.

i vocalize forgive and show grace and yet im constantly bitter or jealous and cant move past my pity party

i vocalize that im confident and thankful for who God made me to be and yet i look in the mirror thinking God could have done better

i vocalize that i dont have friends and yet who comes to my house to make sure im ok when i walked away from them

i vocalize that i do everything for Christ and that he will use me and yet i look for acceptance in my friends and family

i vocalize that i love to love people and yet i have a hard time loving the people Gods placed in my life because they don't meet my expectations

i vocalize that ive given up control and yet i keep my room messing and clean it up on MY time to show that i can control something even if its small

i vocalize that i love my sister hanging out with my friends but because i seek acceptance im always doubting and hoping i dont become plan B

i vocalize that God is growing me daily and yet i feel like im in the same place as i was 4yrs ago

i am in need of Christ and the message tonight got me hard. im overwhelmed by life and i havent even paused to talk to God. i think God is using my own self as a desert so that i will turn to him for a "just enough" dose of what he gives me whatever taht may be. (exodus 16)

He Provides...proof here

Where did all my friends go from high school? Well define friend for me first. If you are talking about someone who i invested time into and loved on, well life goes on and they are moving on. If you are talking about WSMers...same thing,new chapter in life. It's all the same. Those i was around for years are no longer a part of my life. Guess what? Im totally ok with that. God PROVIDES beyond my wildest dreams. Meet my 3 friends. You are probably thinking....wait Ashlyn has only 3 friends??? That's right and i LOVE it! They are the first people who have invested into me, loved me for me, but love me too much to see me stay where i am and therefore challenge me and encourage me!


Meet Michelle Anderson: Rewind to freshman year, youth group and leadership. I'd just moved to Fresno and knew no one...although i have no idea how we both met, i can get glimpses of my first year in this new place of us just laughing at everything and enjoying life together. We were glued to the hip freshman year-we were the typical freshies and needed each other just to laugh. What drew me to her originally? Not many people can joke and have fun with so much purity and liveliness but at the same time have a strong foundation in Christ. She is so beautiful and yet doesn't flaunt it every which way. She knows where her value and worth lie and that is not of man's acceptance but of Jesus'. She always shared in any group discussion and has always been honest. We transitioned into sophomore and junior year, friendly as always, but nothing more than a simple hi and hug. These were pivotal years in both of our lives where, through trial and error, successes and excitement, we started to stand firm in what we truly believed in and grounded in on who were were in Christ. At the start of senior year, the "fun and easy" chapter of our lives that we enjoyed for the last few years, started coming to a close all because of having to work in a real work environment. There were so many new responsibilities and expectations held to seniors and throughout the craziness, we both decided to go to dinner and just catch up. What a bonding moment. who would have thought we would tell our struggles within these last couple of years and open up enough to be raw and vulnerable. what a risk worth taking. in the car she said "i know that i may not reach out like you do, but know i will always be here for you and im you friend" sure ive heard people say it..but she she truly meant it. wow. God has brought us together, not for just for a surfacey "friendship" but for a deep and incredible friendship that has now shaped and molded my view on what love, sacrificing, and loyalty means within a friendship.


Meet Fletcher Klassen:
A boy, well young man, who has blown me away with his heart for God. Not very many can say that our friendship started when he helped my family move into a new house, go to kenya for christmas to serve for 3 weeks, go to a school formal, and have an incredible God-given friendship. He has such a heart for ministry. He constantly makes me laugh and always brightens my day. He has seen both my good and bad sides, seen me cry and even act like a clown, and loves me for me. He is loyal and caring. In the midst of hard circumstances, his strong love for Christ was his energy and by just the small things he does has truly influenced me.


Meet Sean Borgstadt:
This boy, i have known since freshman year. At first he thought i was weird so i decided there was no point in being friends with someone who didn't really want to be friends. Well God had other plans i would say, and kept placing him in my life in different ways. Leadership for one. In most of our group discussions, he was always in my group and in any group pictures with youth group..he was always next to me. Our families started becoming friends and still we didn't really acknowledge each other. For Jr/Senior Classic retreat we started to make our way closer to a friendship but it wasn't until one night in leadership when we were talking about if we were spending our time wisely here on earth and after a challenging exercise, he walked away challenged, it was laid on my heart to send him a quick message asking if he wanted to talk about it. From there we started to have several conversation and then he started giving me rides home after leadership. As his friends moved in different directions he started to see that a few of us, who were still in his life, were pretty amazing :) Although me and him are not very similar we bring out the best in each other. We can talk for hours or just play. He has such an understanding of God and i have loved seeing his relationship with HIm grow and how he views life.


None of these friends expect more than i can give. They accept me, love me and challenge me. They have redefined what a friendship really is. What a joy it is to be a part of their lives and be invested into.They bring only the best out of me and lift me up. For however long God allows them in my life, I am and will be so thankful for the impact they have had on my life and the tremendous encouragement to push me to become the woman of God I have been called to be. I AM SO BLESSED.

waiting at the door

this struggle is always right around the corner, ready to leap. this struggle rings the doorbell daily, and its a constant battle to not open the door and invite unwanted guest into my perspective and day. im really feeling lonely again. i know i am surrounded by people who love me. i mean so many people showed up for my baptism and graduation party. God has placed so many people in my life...but today...i drove around the neighborhood, windows down, music loud, and jamba in my hand, crying. its hit me. the friendships ive invested into and seen go through trials and joys are mostly gone already and its only the second week of summer. all i want to do is curl up into a ball. the boy i thought id be dating turned out to be a learning experience. the best friend i thought would be in my wedding doesnt talk to me anymore. the friends im surrounded by, i have a constant question nagging at me. "how long will this friendship last?" why do i have such a bad mentality....my contentment NEEDS to be in christ. i love Jesus so much and this is proof how much i need Him in my life.

thoughts on a tuesday

what do i see myself as? when i look in the mirror who do i reflect? i know my perspective is screwed up still to put it bluntly. i am the optomist for others but a pessemeist for anything that has to do with myself. instead of walking into everyday asking myself how can i grow and become a better person today? my constant thoughts are how many times will i mess up in the next 5mins it has been said that whatever is on the inside comes out and if i am so consumed by my failures, my actions are twisted and i am not being the best ashlyn i can be. i truly thought i was a confident person, and i am...but only when life is good and i have everything in control. CONTROL and EXPECTATIONS are my two least favorite words. they have been my idols and i am constantly finding myself living with the perspecttive that i EXPECT my plans and CONTROL to work out the way i want. i laugh as i write that because its so selfish and i sit back looking at what others are doing not willing to budge from my stubborn unteachable heart. where did my writing go? my book reading? my time with Jesus? a friend of mine gave me a visual example and it is one of those metaphors control freaks like me would only understand. AM I LETTING MY WORLD SPIN? the world is my perspective. i tend to focus on one continent at one time and get so consumed by it. if step back and let go of control the world would start spinning again and i would then get a bigger picture and the stress i had from tying to hold onto the world would no longer be there.where does my confidence lie? huh thats a good question. God give me the strength to live out the perspective i have been learning about and fill me with love. i have been learning so much but not letting myself grow because it hasn't been easy.

My song

i am a music person- well im not obsessed and have posters covering my wall but it is rare for me not to be listning to music. the other day a song came on the radio and it was the first time i actually listened to the lyrics. it is my song.


"Set The World On Fire"- Britt Nicole

I wanna set the world on fire
Until it's burning bright for You
It's everything that I desire
Can I be the one You use?

[CHORUS]
I, I am small but
You, You are big enough
I, I am weak but
You, You are strong enough to
Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with You
Nothing I can not do
Nothing I cannot do

I wanna feed the hungry children
And reach across the farthest land
And tell the broken there is healing
And mercy in the Father's hands

[CHORUS]

Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with You
Nothing I cannot do
Nothing I cannot do

My hands my feet
My everything
My life, my love
Lord, use me

I wanna set the world on fire
I wanna set the world on fire, yeah

Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with You
Nothing I cannot do
Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with You
There's nothing I can't do
Nothing I can't do

I'm gonna set the world on fire
Set the world on fire




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HYompTPEoXg

Some Highlights of 2010

Canada/WA -Easter
Well worship on Sundays
Randi bringing Jamaba to encourage me
Kenya
Drivers License
Job at In N Out
Summer Staff at Hume
Movies with Fletch and Sean
Hume Formal
Prom with Calen
Dance lessons
Rooming with Christina
Being in Hume's opener
3am movies -Inception and Twilight with Snack Shop staff
Room redone
Disneyland for my 17th bday and Snack Shop reunion
Becoming friends with Ams again
Halloween annual movie night with Melody
Bible study- 6am
Ditching class and getting it excused
Chicago visit

Letter to a friend...but also a look at where i am at in life

Dear Darbi,
What do i give to someone who is about to start a new chapter in life? I thought it safe to say that because i have been through mucho high school experiences, sharing some wise wise(half sarcasm used) wisdom with a dear friend would be very fitting. I wish that there was someone that could have told me about what i was going find myself in the midst of. But there wasn't, so i had to learn the hard way through these last 3 years. Yes sometimes learning the hard way is the best way to learn but there are other times when learning from others who made mistakes can help prevent you from heartache. This letter is for you Darbi. That does not mean you are obligated to read it right now or even ever. I am sharing my heart and being completely honest with you. Some of the things i say may not have anything to do with what you may go through but i want to let you know that life is not better or worse in the "real" world, just different. I want to share with you my struggles, what i have learned, and how i have grown.


EXPECTATIONS
Want the root to many disappointments in life? Guess what, in most cases people aren't doing anything wrong, it's actually the expectations you place on top of whatever it is you are focusing on. Expectations have been my own worst enemy since moving down. I allowed them to crawl up and ruin many things. Expectations came from comparing one thing to another. Expectations created a self centered environment for me. They affected how i acted and how i treated everyone around me. They affected my decisions and my walk with God. I am constantly falling into that pit and it gets harder and harder to get out. Ever since i moved, ever since day one, i found i had soo many expectations naturally placed on everything. My life was an uncontent bubble and the one thing i regret is letting it control me for years. It becomes an addiction and you can't just stop by a "ok im done having expectations now, i will be happy from this point forward" As you will see if you keep reading all that i will talk about was mislead by expectations and put a sour angle to everything in life. from school to church to family to friends...to really everything.
SCHOOL
Day one at school. I expected to meet some lifelong friends. i knew it was a far fetched idea but i figured i would be the one in a million people to get that lucky. since you saw it in the movies it must be a little logic right? nope not at all. there was no geeky boy with a great personality that i would fall in love with later. there was no person i bumped into in the hallway and we were instantly bffs. I expected that people would care what i had to say but instead of listening they were more focused on my hume t-shirt that was so not in style. I expected everyone to like me and think i was oh so sweet. But insead people found me to be overly happy and fake. I expected people to instantly open up and we would form a good friendship. Yes now looking at all those exceptions you can clearly see how ridiculous they are but honestly growing up in a place where people have to learn to get along, there are really no guys to dress cute for and since you grew up with the same people your whole life you forget that it took years to get to the place you are now. at this point we are established in our faith more so than mostly everyone down the mountain, which is a blessing but high school is a time to figure who you are and in a way you are one step ahead and in an awkward position. here is some suggestions to make school a bit easier on you. take one day at a time. and slowly but surely you wont even think about what your next class is cause it will be natural. i hated asking questions in front of people. day one-it was first period, geometry. the teacher asked "what is the first thing that comes to mind when you think of stampede?" (he meant for our school since we are the brancos) i raised my hand and said "buffalo" now im sure that no one remembers that now, but because of that moment after i said that and everyone laughed i didnt speak in any of my classes till junior year. at some point you will have imput and you will get more out of the class if you interact but it will take time cause its not natural. by the end of junior year i was raising my hand in us history, i got most answers wrong but the teacher saw my effort and i felt accomplished when the year ended. now as i said, this all will take TIME so dont rush anything but dont hold back you can do small things to build it up slowly. i went to the teacher after class or at lunch to get help. i waited to ask all my questions when everyone was gone and it worked for me. so i recommend try it. also be on the lookout for a good teacher. someone who truly cares. find a homeroom a place you can go for lunch and relax. my room was peer counseling and i was able to open up to the teacher about things i wanted an outside opinion on. the teach could even be someone you don't have a class with. i learned also at lunch that there were TONS of people like you. but everyone is good at hiding it. if you watched me for a day i know a lot of people. why? not cause im a star player in a sport. nope i did one of the most uncomfortable things people hate to do or some tmes don't even know how to do. that would be: BE THE FIRST TO REACH OUT. you would be surprised who is just waiting for a friend. so here is a suggestion: be looking around and find someone you see sitting by themself or a group of people you may recognize from a class you have with them. i will say it may be so awkward and difficult and they may end up giving you that "you are so weird" look but i have learned weird is good. people tell me im weird all the time and yet still want to talk to me, why? because i love them all genuinely and they see Jesus(even though they may not know its all Jesus) in me. but i am getting ahead of myself, im starting to talk about friends, and that is in a different paragrapgh
HOUSE OR HOME???
My HOME is Hume. I'm guessing yours is too. It will always have a place in my heart. When I moved down to a big white house that we rented, I felt not at home whatsoever. It was a shelter and place to sleep. It was a house. But slowly I noticed that it was really only a building and my family was my home. When i came to that realization I started to see things through a new perspective. Sure it was not the home i had at hume but I was blessed to live in such a beautiful house(not the ugly yellow one my dad was going to get). When we bought a house finally, I instantly felt at home, not just because i loved the new pool (haha) but because i was surrounded with people i loved a ton. When you move down you may get the ugliest house on the block, or it may be small. Just remember God placed you there and that there is a reason you are there. It is totally ok to not replace Hume as a home but don't build up walls to settle in where God has you.

FRIENDS
I expected that since i was picking my own friends i would get to be picky and find the good strong christians. Honey, at a public school, christian is just a term. The friends i hung out with freshman year were catholic, didn't cuss, went to church, dressed modestly, but did not have the foundations i had. i was rooted in Christ and although they were sweet, Satan was quick to place sin under their feet in manipulate them to change. After the summer they had a boyfriend they were sleeping with, were dressing with not so much clothes, cussing every other word and doing drugs. I thought i picked the right friends. sure they werent crhistian but so what....ok some things wrong with that. One FIND STRONG CHRISTIAN FRIENDS and again i will say it, it will take time, dont rush it cuz you may assume just cuz they dont cuss they are cool. you don't have to hang out with them 24-7 but you need a support team and encouragement whenever you are beat down by everyone else around you. Don't necessarily go to the other extreme and only hang out with christians though. The public school is the best mission field so take every opportunity to shine Jesus. Invite people who are nonchristian to hang out with you and others. When you have others behind your back you will be less likely to fall. I didn't notice how even a Catholic girl was pulling me away from God and i ignored all the red flags. She was nice but when she met her bff they started hanging out together and i was the 3rd wheel. so instead of being ok i started placing expectations on myself and trying to fit in. Sure i never cussed or did anything that went against my beliefs but i settled and allowed for some not so good covos. i didn't speak up in fear of what they might say.DON"T IDOLIZE FRIENDS like i did. friends are one of the most important things in life and it is especially important in high school. they help you get through things and create amazing memoris but i made them my idols and God took them away from me. what a hard lesson to learn. it took till this summer to let God have all that i am.

FRIENDS COME IN SEASONS.
A girl from Germany (foreign exchange student) who was going to be in fresno for the school year came to youth group and i decided that since she was only here for a year i would not be good friends with her....to my surprise she challenged and encouraged my walk with God. i didnt expect such a gift and blessing. God will bring people from all different angles to affect you in some way or another. she is gone now back home but i know we will be friends for a long time. You know that saying you may have heard from your parents to "take the friendship for what it is and be thankful" i didnt believe or listen to that advice and i pushed friendships overboard and ruined them. me and mandy used to be close because of hume but we did distance ourselves. i was not ok by that at all so i became bitter and got angry at her for doing nothing but moving on. again my expectations were very high and i ended up disappointed. it has taken me months to be ok. now i am at peace. we are still friends but at a new season and i am perfectly fine by that. you and some of the hume girls friendships will most likely change but dont view it as bad just at a new season that may bounce back or keep moving on a different path. do take it for what it is and keep investing but dont let expectations control it or it may curve back and punch you in the face.


DONT GIVE UP WHEN LIFE ISNT PERFECT. Turn to those who love you not push away. Life WILL get hard a certain points and God is only allowing the things to happen knowing you will survive. It's your choice how you react to it and if you let the situation grow you.

-"Fitting in" is so kindergarden. If you fit in with the crowd you will not be following God. It is so easy to get into habits.

-Love is an action not a feeling and it will be tested at school and church because of the wide variety of personalities. so be patient and trust God

CHURCH
Even at church you may not feel like people want you around. Hang in there. It takes time. It may come unexpected as well. I thought I was making a ton of friends. But my definition of friends was different than theirs. If you said hey and hugged each other and went to a movie occasionally then you were good friends. To me that was too surfacey. I had to learn that it is ok to have those friends and take it for what it is but i did long for good solid friends. One day my mom made me give this new girl a tour and i was not happy...to this day i am very good friends with her. She is actually Ausin Rurikk's cousin. You are not going to be at Hume church anymore which brings a whole new ballpark. Make the most and try to learn stuff at youth group. also if you see a need at youth group and you have an idea to make things better, do it!! its amazing to see what you may leave behind even if you leave just an idea for future years.
GET PLUGGED IN
I loved trying out for track. One it was a new experience. Second, even though i was the slowest and least athletic, i made a family and some of the people i met freshman year, who i would have never met otherwise, i am still friends with today. At church i helped out with the the kids on sundays which helped me for teaching PE to 3rd graders last year. Take initiative and get yourself out of the comfort zone. I have not regretted anytime i have stepped out. I did try out for water polo and hated it but i didnt let one failure ruin my going into sports.

GET A MENTOR
Don't rush into this one but it doesn't hurt to keep your eyes out for someone older who walks with God and leads by example. I waited till my Junior year to get one and it has been so amazing to see where i am now with her guidance. Yes share with your mom and dad but sometimes its nice to get a perspective on someone outside


BOYS
so as you may see there will be boys who are cute and beautiful creations but also are perverted and have no personality. i recommend that becoming friends with boys is a great experirce but dont get too close cuz it adds unwanted drama. you are pretty so you may get hit on and such. be careful its harder to guard your heart when not at hume. guys know what to say to get the reaction they want. even one compliment from a guy may add unwanted feelings and create confusion. so be careful but have fun :)
guys add a new element when hanging out with a group . they are more chill and its a nice change. they are less dramatic for most of the time then hume boys are so you will like it :)

i love you girl and i am here for you. ok. thats all and please if you have questions or want to vent come talk to me.
ash