I decided I need a break from the overwhelming mess of school work, I have reached the end of week 7 (out of 8 weeks) and although i am very proud to have made it this far, i am not at in a state of peace, or a willingness to push on through. why is this?
I have been assigned the WORST thing possible. To speak. to give a speech. to film myself giving a speech. to be in the spotlight for at least 10minutes. even as i write this, my tummy is all jumbled up and i have a huge lump in my throat. you must be thinkng, "ashlyn, it's just a speech." or "it takes confidence and practice" Yes you are so right, and i pretty much gave up on even trying to explain the extent of my fear. I left my explanation to a simple, "It's worse than a fear." That is the only way I could express what i felt.
You may think "oh well you haven't done it enough." well here is a list of all the times i was in the spotlight. never did i walk into it feeling ok, never in the middle of my speech did i feel "wow im doing good!", and never have i walked away feeling relieved. just even thinking about past times makes me feel sick to my stomach.
-i was in several musicals (although i can't sing or act, i thought that i could get rid of my fear...nope)
-i helped host a Father-Daughter conference at Hume Lake with my dad (i thought standing in front of 200 people simply giving announcement would be ok....fail)
-i was a part of several poetry contests (always turned red when i looked at the judges)
-i stood in front of family and friends to explain my science fair
-i spoke to the people who attended my baptism this year, and that is the only one im ok that i struggled with
-i spoke to my youth group (over 100) about my missions trip to kenya
-i had to be filmed for a youth group video
-i had to lead events at school for Peer Counseling (leadership class)
my fear plays out day to day:
-calling for pizza
-calling Moody Bible just to ask a simple question
-group interviews for a job
-answering the phone at work
-volunteering to do an activity at youth group (up on stage)
-praying in a large group
-giving my testimony in front of more than 3 people
-when standing in a group and someone says "Well. Ashlyn said this...."
whenever i hear the words "Ashlyn, what do you think?", or "Ashlyn, will you read this out loud for me", both in church and school settings, any time the adult brought the attention(aka spotlight) on me i about wanted to die. I am totally fine answering a question or talking to a my Bible study friends, but only when i decide to can i feel ok. Feeling the spotlight on me when i had no intention being a part of it makes me literally want to throw up.
i knew that i wasn't the only one who had a fear like this, but i am surrounded by my mom (who speaks at conferences), and outgoing friends (who are ok talking).
This speech that i am working on....man....im just so torn up inside. BUT after all that....the reason i am even posting this fear of mine is because i know more info on it now :)
I have what you call, PSA or " Public Speaking Apprehension". See most people get butterflies before they speak and then it leaves, or they practice and their nervousness leaves. There are even people who have mastered the fear of public speaking. PSA is different though, its a legit fear, and i am not the only one!!! As i was reading my school book it started talking about it and i was finding that i could relate to all their examples of it. It makes me feel better to know that i am not making this fear up or being super dramatic (some people think i am)....
so it looks like its going to take a TON of work to figure out how to be ok at even talking on the phone or talking in a classroom but i know how to communicate now to my teachers to let them know.
the speech i am going to give next week will probably not be A quality but i will do my best.
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