a "yes" it is...

For those of you who have followed my journey on my blog or walked alongside me this last year, you know that the season i found myself in last year was not easy. I guess life is really never that easy. I guess i just assumed my life would be the exception. A lot of my previous posts clearly showed my processing through what all was going on last year, the struggles, mistakes, frustrations, joys, surprises. Blogging kept me transparent and forced me to embrace both the good and bad.

Last semester i began to process through what it meant to trust Jesus when everything was going wrong. I had a hard time believing that God was a Good God, that his way was the right way. But after being stubborn for so long He broke me and i now can see the beauty behind it all!

I really got so caught up in all the "No's" Jesus was giving me that I literally wanted to give up. Be done with everything. I didn't make it into my dream school after two attempts. I then had to stay home for another year, doing online Bible school. My schedule wouldn't let me attend a Lifegroup. Friends moved away. Right when routine would kick in, a change of plans would hit my life.

Every plan i had was ruined.

And the "every plan won't work"-season carried on through this last semester here at Moody. I had to get two jobs to cover school costs. I had to work every Sunday meaning that I could not find a home church quickly. My roommate situation was complete opposite of what i had intended. I was signed up for classes by someone else that put me behind in school.I applied to be an RA and did not even make it to the level of interviews. Finally i had gotten into my dream school and it seemed at every corner there was a roadblock, a rock to trip me. This was not what i had planned.

So much struggle. So much questioning. So many tears.

 It wasn't until Christmas that i recognized all the unplanned events i went through, really were good. God allowed these hard things in my life to teach me, mold me, and draw me near to Him.

Because I had to stay home: I built better relationships with my family and was able to love my sister as she went through medical issues. 

Because I was unable to join a Lifegroup: God opened the door for me to love on Jr. High girls who i have built such neat relationships with. 

Because I had online classes: My schedule was flexible enough to work at one of my favorite jobs (Bath and Body Works), have a ton of coffee dates, and allow me to be available.

Because all my friends left: I was forced to be social outside my comfort zone and ended having some of the best nights ever with solid people who loved Jesus. 

Because I had to get two jobs: I got the neat opportunity of loving two different groups of people, my co-workers as well as an amazing Chicago family.

Because my roommate and I did not get along at first: I was able to work on some of my weaknesses and began to put my worth in God and not in people. (We are now friends and I couldn't ask for a better roommate. :) God is seriously so good) 

Because I did not get the RA position: I had to trust that Jesus had something better in store for me. 

Trust. I would say I trust Jesus, but not fully.

When circumstances are tough, i never really question what He is doing. I just get tired that He doesn't let me into the bigger picture and the schedule of my life.

When circumstances are good, i hold onto that good, not being present and enjoying God's blessing in my life, because i am so scared He will just take it away.And he has taken people and things out of my life for what seems like no reason. And even though i still don't get it, we are called to trust him fully. With everything. No matter the circumstance. He has a reason for everything and it ok that i don't know it all. I just need to keep my focus on Him the whole time.

This last week was one of the most stressful weeks i have had in a long time. I was shutting down, drained, and growing impatient.For the last 3 months i waited for a response from two things i applied to. Here at moody. Applying to anything Moody, has not been easy for me. It was honestly hard to apply for new things on campus because i faced the possibility of more rejection. But i was challenged to persevere.When anxiety really attacked me, He was there, holding me.

God has finally said "Yes"!!!

"Yes"-Never has that word been more encouraging, refreshing, and exciting. If i had not gone through this hard season, that "Yes" would have been taken for granted. It has such depth now. I recognize that I don't deserve anything, and it is SUCH a blessing when He says "Yes"!

Next year: 
I will be on Moody's Woman Ministries team. I will be diving into a whole new field of the Unknown. I was accepted to join Samaria, its a branch of the women's ministry, i will be going to a public high school and will be trying to build relationships with some of the girls there. This is a new launch so i will be walking into no structure, routine, or plans. This scares me. But i am SOOOO excited to finally be a part of something and begin to build roots here in Chicago.

Also...

I made it into another new program known as Cohorts. Cohorts is a dream come true. Not only will i be attending my dream school but i will be living in my dream situation. The program is much like one i was applying to back home (Plan B if i didn't get into moody). I will be moving into a neighborhood with three other girls known as Little India. It's a win win!! Doing urban ministry WHILE i attend school. I get to build relationships with people in this city in a practical, everyday atmosphere!!


If Jesus had not stripped me away from everything comfortable last year, i don't think i would be ready for this next fall. He knew what He was doing :) He has been preparing me and i am sure all this is just a sliver of what He has in mind.

From some random speaker...
"We are usually in three stages: in a trial, just getting out of a trial, or walking into one."

If i trust Jesus, no matter what stage i am in, i really should have nothing to worry about. I cannot trust my plans. I need to trust Him. There are going to be so many turns coming up that i will not expect, but i can expect my Jesus to be there with me. And knowing that, i am ready to take this next season on. 

a side nobody sees...

Right now its snowy and it's coming down like crazy. I am sitting in a super ugly tan leather chair under the brightest light ever, people watching and enjoying the white speckles outside. Of course im listening to Frank Sinatra on pandora; it's just that kind of day.

This week is not extraordinary: it may be me least favorite week. I do not enjoy classes because there is this thing called mid-terms. Forget learning, i have to memorize so much in order to pass the class. That's why i don't like tests cause i don't learn anything or soak up things. Whatever, it's almost done. 

So this post is due to several people making me think yet again about life. Because of my dear friend's post and some frustrating conversations with others, I was able to come to the conclusion that people here in Chicago, do not really know me. 

Well duh Ashlyn, you haven't even lived here for a year, so there hasn't been enough time for people to get to know you. 

Well yes, so true, and yet...

there are some sides of me that most people will never, or rarely, see here while i am at college. I would say that i am Me here- i really haven't struggled with covering up my personality or trying to be someone i am not. 

But in that...

i have only been able to tap into some sides of Me while other sides of Me are left in the attic, collecting dust. 

I love love love Chicago, the city atmosphere is just so amazing and at times (like all the time) i feel like i am in some movie. It's surreal to walk down busy streets, be surrounded by all different types of brick buildings, and smell chocolate twirling through the air. But this city is not my home. It's not my natural environment. It's not my familiar comfort. It's foreign. It's fun, new, fresh, but it's not my safe place. 

Here people don't see my ADVENTUROUS side, my FAMILY side, or my DETERMINED (strong-willed) side. At times i feel boxed in here, put in this bubble with everyone else who is fighting to find their identity in Christ and be their own person. There seems to be no room to just be. Just be Me. 

Do we (even I) actually take the time to get to know each person i have a conversation with or do i place them in a box labeling them as just another "Moody Student" or "They have had a hard life so I can't relate" just a thought...anyway...

My ADVENTUROUS side has not been tapped into in quite awhile. I am just so busy here and if i get a break to relax, it's only for a day and usually i am too tired to go do anything fun. But put me in California and my adventurous side comes out. Road trips, late night trips to get special donuts across town, trips to the beach for a day, paint wars, biking all day, rollerblading in stores. I really cherish each moment i got to do those spontaneous things. But even in Fresno, i still have a hard time tapping into that side. 

The mountains though...oh man. I instantly become a kid again, pure joy, endless energy, and spontaneity tap into me. To be surrounded by tall trees, fresh air, ducks, a lake, dirt gives me unofficial permission to be adventurous. I LOVE hiking, off-roading, camping, boating, and building forts in the forest. It fills me up completely. Moving away from Hume made me sacrifice being able to tap into my ADVENTUROUS side whenever i wanted, and you know, i am ok with that, but i do miss it. Living in the midwest now has placed me in a state where i am the farthest away from mountains. So to those who never see my spontaneous, fun, energetic side, simply take me to the mountains. 

My FAMILY side. Oh boy. no one sees this side here on campus. My family is such a huge part of my life. Like i choose to be with them whenever i get a chance. (Most of my christmas break was spent with them.) Back in high school, whenever i brought friends home, it was amazing. They got to see a taste of my life everyday and i loved sharing it. Family dinner was the best, but then epic games came after and of course so many laughs filled the night. My family is all very different and our dynamics really makes me love being a part of it, and i love bringing people into that world. When i am with my family, i think that's when i am the most real, most chill, most quirky, most me. But being here, no one fully understands the extent of what i mean when i say "Oh yea im close with my family." Everyone defines being close to their family very differently which is fine but i wish people who i am getting to know here could understand that side of me. So to those who don't know my family side, simply fly home with me and let me introduce to you one of the best things in my life. 

My DETERMINED side for some reason has not followed me here, and i have no idea why it's back home. By determined i mean my strong-willed, independent nature that got me into trouble during my childhood. Although i care for what others needs and wants are, i almost always have an opinion. One of my least favorite questions is "so what do you want to do?" no because i'm indecisive but because in that minute all i want to do is make sure that my friend's needs are going to be met. i already have my opinion but i hate tapping into it until i know my friend is content. Well i have been doing better at "making decisions" and confidently choosing something when someone asks me. Ok i totally went on a tangent, back on track. Back home, one of my major attributes i am known well by are my opinions. My mom always stated, "well we always know where Ashlyn stands." That's because i verbalized everything that was in my head to let people know where i was at. (whether it was smart to or not, whether people wanted to hear it or not). My determined side is my confidence, it's a huge part of who i am. 

Because i have been boxed in here, i feel squeezed i think and thus this side i am so used to seeing, has been stashed into the attic. i miss it. So to those who don't know my determined side, simply don't box me in. I guess that sounds mean...i think i am just drained and miss my sides that just aren't being seen here in Chicago. 

I'm so ready for Spring Break. In two weeks, my FAMILY side will be coming out and in three weeks my ADVENTUROUS side will be also, which i am sure will naturally drag out my DETERMINED side. I need a fill up. Yes, a fill up, then my time here will be more enjoyed and i will be ok not seeing those sides for a bit again. 

What sides have you not been able to tap into? I have been asking people that question here and i love hearing people process through it. I long to get to know people here, truly get to know them, all their sides if possible. Isn't that living life with them? Why box in certain aspects of people? It makes life boring.