it's still home...

I am home now. Home. Surrounded by people who love me. Whom i love. I was a bit nervous coming home because so much change has happened both in my heart and back in Fresno. Nothing is the same as i left it back in August. There are even new buildings and new people living in my house. The moment i walked out to meet my family at the airport, i felt pure contentment. It honestly felt like it had only been days since i had last seen them. I mean, i missed them a whole lot, but i did not get one feeling of "something is missing". Fresno is still home. Despite all the change.

I really love Chicago, I love Moody, it's so exciting to live there, but Fresno is still my familiar safe place. It feels SO good to be back. Already, i have rested, had some much needed conversations, and just feel at home. This break was so needed. I am soaking up each and every moment. Not sure when i will get a chance to look back over my whole year and reminisce. Off the bat, i know this was a SUPER growing year. It will be interesting to see what really stuck out to me and gets me excited to see what Jesus has in store for me next year. So there is an update. My heart is happy.

stars...

i don't remember the last time i looked up in the night sky and saw stars...

oh yea, 4 months ago. has it really been that long? i remember so many nights back home mesmerized by such beauty.

tonight i saw one. just one. thank you Jesus. gives me a taste of what's to come in a week.

i miss my stars.

my coffee shop...

i miss my coffee shop. 

my small town coffee shop. 

the coffee shop that makes me feel like i'm in a scene of Gilmore Girls. 

the coffee shop i spent hours at soaking up the sunshine and enjoying life. 

so many conversations. so many coffee dates. so much laughter. so many reunions. so many "me and Jesus time" mornings. so many Snickerdoodle drinks and way too many warm cookies. I feel like every inch of the coffee shop has a memory attached to it. this place has grown to become one of my happy, safe places ever.

i feel like even years later, i will still come back to it. sit in my spot. and just be.  


i am going to have a hard time not spending every single day there when i come home. To be able to people watch at my table, while journaling, Bible open, music in the distance.


I really hate the smell of coffee but this place is the only exception that i completely embrace and love.

everyone needs a coffee shop. their spot. their memories. their safe place.

a specific reaction...

It really takes me by surprise (...as does most people) when I get a response I was not expecting.

Maybe the root of all this is that i just don't feel cared for or loved in the moment i desire affirmation.

There have been moments recently where i've learned of some frustrating news and when i bring it up to people, it gets brushed off like it's no big deal. Then there are moments where i get super excited about something, and all i get is a half smile but no response. I am not asking people to come up with some fake, "always agree with Ashlyn" response, but it really does make me miss those back home who, because they have embraced me and love me completely, will come alongside me no matter what i am going to say. Ask my siblings, they have firsthand accounts of all the ridiculously boring things i have to say, or the super funny (but only Ashlyn funny) jokes i make, or the 10 minute venting blowup in the car. But at the end of it all...

I am loved.

Here at school...i think because its only been a few months, we don't value someone as much as we could years from now.

I am looking for that specific reaction. That reaction where there is a specific look of "I love you" no matter what comes out of my mouth. That specific reaction where no matter how they respond or what sarcastic remark they have, i have no doubt that they love me for me. My sister  may not agree with most things that i do. And my brother may roll my eyes when i get excited over something that no one else cares about. And Sean may give that certain "that was stupid, but i love you" laugh for me. They may all have different reactions to me, but they love me. They love me.

At the end of the day, i don't really care for affirmation from whatever i have said. But i really desire to be affirmed in who i am, as a person, fully loved no matter what. If i know that i am loved...i will not surprised by different reactions.

Here in Chicago, because everything is on a more surface level with everyone...if i get a certain reaction i was not expecting; doubt, insecurity, and feelings of inadequacy topple me over. I feel misunderstood. I feel like i ruined a "bonding" moment.

And i just don't like that...

We all long to be affirmed in life. And i know that ultimately our security needs to be in Jesus. I am just thankful for the people back home who are there for me though, so when i am in seasons of my life where there aren't people right next to me who truly get me...i know i have people back home. And i need to be content with that as i wait for friendships to deepen here at school.

wow and there you have it...what used to be a quick "man why wasn't their reaction all excited like mine was?" thought, has become another blog post and shows an excerpt into what is going on in my heart.

it's a VCR...

The last three weeks have been rigorous. Tests. Projects. Christmas-season customers. Driving in the city. A friend's visit from CA. Job position rejection. Windy coldness. Roommate bonding. Anticipation for going home. A couple tears here and there. Constant going.

I really haven't had a moment to breath and rest...well until now. I have specifically taken today off. To breath. To sit and people watch, listen to Ben Howard on pandora, blog, and look at christmas lights.

There's an anxiety in me right now. It may be anticipation not for the "what if's" but the "whens and hows" of some things. Even though this week was crazy, there were periods of the day where i had time to myself (in a way), sitting on the train, laying down during my physical therapist appointment, or walking down the streets. It's amazing that whatever my surrounding was, my thoughts drifted.

When i was walking down the street, or sitting on the train, I kept catching myself smiling and laughing randomly to myself, which is kind of creepy because i was not having a conversation with anyone at all. It's like i was in my own little world all week. This usually doesn't happen. So weird.

When i was in my PT appointment (which was a 3hr session), all i was able to do was stare at the ceiling, count the squares, and think. I couldn't move. I couldn't plug in headphones to listen to music. All i had was my thoughts to entertain me for hours.

And so this week, i began to play "my life" over and over again in my head. Like a VCR. I began to pick one memory, one story, or one conversation, and then play it over and over again. Holding on to each detail. Rewinding it. Replaying it. Repeating it.

Come on seriously...
I was doing so well not planning every minute of my life...but i guess i just went to the opposite side of the spectrum. I began looking back. Backtracking to the past.

I feel like im walking through the longest tv episode ever (of my life). When will it end? I thought i learned what God was trying to teach me. I thought that once i had had my "lightbulb moment", i could move onto to a new episode of my life and have God teach me new things. But my circumstances have not changed.

My heart has changed though. (but not my feelings in certain areas) And my perspective has shifted as well. But my circumstances have not. so what now? i feel like i am walking in circles again. learning more and more yes, but im in circles. and i don't like that.

I think i expected to move forward. I guess i have in a way... Moving forward may have to do with my heart and not my circumstances. But then why am i turning my life into a VCR? constantly rewinding the same old things?

I really don't know where i am going with this. But i have this time to just breath and write. so i am.

The picture: a good reminder for me. How do i move forward without planning every inch of my life while also embracing the past without rewinding it repeatedly? Guess the answer is Jesus. I will continue to seek. Cause i just don't know.