I really haven't had a moment to breath and rest...well until now. I have specifically taken today off. To breath. To sit and people watch, listen to Ben Howard on pandora, blog, and look at christmas lights.
There's an anxiety in me right now. It may be anticipation not for the "what if's" but the "whens and hows" of some things. Even though this week was crazy, there were periods of the day where i had time to myself (in a way), sitting on the train, laying down during my physical therapist appointment, or walking down the streets. It's amazing that whatever my surrounding was, my thoughts drifted.
When i was walking down the street, or sitting on the train, I kept catching myself smiling and laughing randomly to myself, which is kind of creepy because i was not having a conversation with anyone at all. It's like i was in my own little world all week. This usually doesn't happen. So weird.
When i was in my PT appointment (which was a 3hr session), all i was able to do was stare at the ceiling, count the squares, and think. I couldn't move. I couldn't plug in headphones to listen to music. All i had was my thoughts to entertain me for hours.
And so this week, i began to play "my life" over and over again in my head. Like a VCR. I began to pick one memory, one story, or one conversation, and then play it over and over again. Holding on to each detail. Rewinding it. Replaying it. Repeating it.Come on seriously...
I was doing so well not planning every minute of my life...but i guess i just went to the opposite side of the spectrum. I began looking back. Backtracking to the past.
I feel like im walking through the longest tv episode ever (of my life). When will it end? I thought i learned what God was trying to teach me. I thought that once i had had my "lightbulb moment", i could move onto to a new episode of my life and have God teach me new things. But my circumstances have not changed.
My heart has changed though. (but not my feelings in certain areas) And my perspective has shifted as well. But my circumstances have not. so what now? i feel like i am walking in circles again. learning more and more yes, but im in circles. and i don't like that.
I think i expected to move forward. I guess i have in a way... Moving forward may have to do with my heart and not my circumstances. But then why am i turning my life into a VCR? constantly rewinding the same old things?
I really don't know where i am going with this. But i have this time to just breath and write. so i am.
The picture: a good reminder for me. How do i move forward without planning every inch of my life while also embracing the past without rewinding it repeatedly? Guess the answer is Jesus. I will continue to seek. Cause i just don't know.
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