a specific reaction...

It really takes me by surprise (...as does most people) when I get a response I was not expecting.

Maybe the root of all this is that i just don't feel cared for or loved in the moment i desire affirmation.

There have been moments recently where i've learned of some frustrating news and when i bring it up to people, it gets brushed off like it's no big deal. Then there are moments where i get super excited about something, and all i get is a half smile but no response. I am not asking people to come up with some fake, "always agree with Ashlyn" response, but it really does make me miss those back home who, because they have embraced me and love me completely, will come alongside me no matter what i am going to say. Ask my siblings, they have firsthand accounts of all the ridiculously boring things i have to say, or the super funny (but only Ashlyn funny) jokes i make, or the 10 minute venting blowup in the car. But at the end of it all...

I am loved.

Here at school...i think because its only been a few months, we don't value someone as much as we could years from now.

I am looking for that specific reaction. That reaction where there is a specific look of "I love you" no matter what comes out of my mouth. That specific reaction where no matter how they respond or what sarcastic remark they have, i have no doubt that they love me for me. My sister  may not agree with most things that i do. And my brother may roll my eyes when i get excited over something that no one else cares about. And Sean may give that certain "that was stupid, but i love you" laugh for me. They may all have different reactions to me, but they love me. They love me.

At the end of the day, i don't really care for affirmation from whatever i have said. But i really desire to be affirmed in who i am, as a person, fully loved no matter what. If i know that i am loved...i will not surprised by different reactions.

Here in Chicago, because everything is on a more surface level with everyone...if i get a certain reaction i was not expecting; doubt, insecurity, and feelings of inadequacy topple me over. I feel misunderstood. I feel like i ruined a "bonding" moment.

And i just don't like that...

We all long to be affirmed in life. And i know that ultimately our security needs to be in Jesus. I am just thankful for the people back home who are there for me though, so when i am in seasons of my life where there aren't people right next to me who truly get me...i know i have people back home. And i need to be content with that as i wait for friendships to deepen here at school.

wow and there you have it...what used to be a quick "man why wasn't their reaction all excited like mine was?" thought, has become another blog post and shows an excerpt into what is going on in my heart.