life happens...

Life happens…

Living in Chicago has been awesome

This season could not be going better

I love my city, school, neighborhood, friends

But back home…life has happened

And I have been 2,100 miles away from it.

How do I cope? Process? Rest in Jesus? Let go?

Unhappy news from back home has come to me every month this semester and Satan has really been tapping into my love for my family and the comfort of home, telling me that because I am in Chicago, I cant help, I cant be there, and I’ve got nothing.  (Which is true. I can’t help- God can and is. I can’t be there-God can and is. I’ve got nothing-without God---but thats not what this post is about)

Finding out sad news from a distance just doesn’t work for me…At all.

I cant hug those who need it, I can’t bring them coffee, I cant sit in silence, just being with them. I am here and they are there. I either have to process with people who have only known me for a matter of months or over the phone with old friends who can’t physically be present with me. I feel disconnected.

Life happens everywhere all around me (duh)…  but I need a continual focus on Christ or the fact that I can’t be in two places at once will eat me up.

I cant keep telling myself this is “only a season and ill be home soon” because I’m in college. I’m an adult. I am on a whole new path and having to “leave” my family back home in so many areas of my life. They hear of new friends I make, but haven’t met them. They hear of all the great restaurants and my neighborhood I’m in, but haven’t been there. Life continues on...I’m just so used to it happening alongside them and it looks so different now. The deaths, divorces, friend struggles, back home won't go away…so who do I turn to?

The Lord. My comforter.

For a person who desires the tangible, the stability in life, my heart turns to distress when the only one who will be with me EVERY step of the way is God, who is not physically present. I have grown up knowing who God is but pain forces me to actually realize exactly the God that I serve...which goes beyond my need for the tangible. He has no bounds. I like bounds. I like knowing. Yet he has me in a place where I don’t see life coming and all my “comfort” outlets I turn to when seeking refuge, are not satisfying. I know that even if I was home, I would still sense discontentment. Something missing. It is proof that God really is everything. He fills and mends the broken hearted.

He is the answer. My outlet to dealing with life. I am still working through what it means to grieve, process without desensitizing situations, becoming numb, and not being consumed. How do I be present with life here while life happens at home? 

i need to process...

"i need to process"

-an Ashlyn phrase

oh my goodness, the word "process" is one of my most favorite words. ever. when you grow up in a home where "processing through life together" is encouraged, it basically becomes engrained into every area of your life. i LOVE processing through anything that can be processed through. if i was an artist i am sure my room would be covered in abstract images, visually displaying my processing. if i was a musician, my songs would be an easy outlet to display my thinking, poetically. but i am neither. i am no avid journaler, daily blogger, or 100% verbal communicator. i do process, though, through people, writing, and time alone. 

-processing means time. more time to work things through when i am unsure. walking in the unknown.

-processing always keeps my mind deep in thought.

-processing reminds me i am human and allows me to feel.

-processing shows my desire to be transparent.

but all that to say...

i hide behind "processing"

i have realized that the moment i have nothing to process through, i go out in a frantic search telling myself there has to be more i need to process. yes processing is at times painful, uncomfortable, growing, refining, and a mirror for how much i need God. but even in the uncomfortable, i feel safe because i can control my processes. processing is a tangible way for me to cope with life. the moment my processing has completed: i don't feel accomplished, i feel an urge to busy myself with the next thing. i seek growth so badly that when i feel im in a standstill, there must be something wrong. 

Maybe when God says "Be still"...that includes putting a pause on my "processing". Processing is a big part of who i am. I tell myself that if i can't process, i can't grow, i can't learn, i can't see God more. It scares me that God doesn't need my processing to be still and rest in Him. 

Don't go thinking that i've gone to the other side and think "processing" through life is a waste of time. I am simply stating that i have made it my identity and that is not ok.

guess im processing through processing... that's weird.