i need to process...

"i need to process"

-an Ashlyn phrase

oh my goodness, the word "process" is one of my most favorite words. ever. when you grow up in a home where "processing through life together" is encouraged, it basically becomes engrained into every area of your life. i LOVE processing through anything that can be processed through. if i was an artist i am sure my room would be covered in abstract images, visually displaying my processing. if i was a musician, my songs would be an easy outlet to display my thinking, poetically. but i am neither. i am no avid journaler, daily blogger, or 100% verbal communicator. i do process, though, through people, writing, and time alone. 

-processing means time. more time to work things through when i am unsure. walking in the unknown.

-processing always keeps my mind deep in thought.

-processing reminds me i am human and allows me to feel.

-processing shows my desire to be transparent.

but all that to say...

i hide behind "processing"

i have realized that the moment i have nothing to process through, i go out in a frantic search telling myself there has to be more i need to process. yes processing is at times painful, uncomfortable, growing, refining, and a mirror for how much i need God. but even in the uncomfortable, i feel safe because i can control my processes. processing is a tangible way for me to cope with life. the moment my processing has completed: i don't feel accomplished, i feel an urge to busy myself with the next thing. i seek growth so badly that when i feel im in a standstill, there must be something wrong. 

Maybe when God says "Be still"...that includes putting a pause on my "processing". Processing is a big part of who i am. I tell myself that if i can't process, i can't grow, i can't learn, i can't see God more. It scares me that God doesn't need my processing to be still and rest in Him. 

Don't go thinking that i've gone to the other side and think "processing" through life is a waste of time. I am simply stating that i have made it my identity and that is not ok.

guess im processing through processing... that's weird.