Evacuation
Wyoming
Graduation
Grad nite
Getting a job at BBW
Becoming a wsm leader
Hume trip (ams and michelle)
Summer nights with juju and sean
Pinterest (cat board)
Got a laptop
Severely sprained ankle (Halloween costume)
Cabin for new years
Pj and sheri
Haters gonna hate
Formal
Met cambria, kim
Michael Buble concert
College trip with Kathryn
Reconnecting with Sammy and mandy
Became closer to juju, melody, Darbi and sean
Redding trip with haley
learned a lot about what relationships look like
saw a ton of good movies
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Friday, December 30, 2011
winter cabin...
Soo its official. My perfect weekend away is going up to a cabin in the middle of nowhere…having no responsibilities, no time crunches, snow outside. Now add a boyfriend in…more perfect. But I can wait ☺
tattoo...
So ive made a decision. For my 19th birthday I want to get a tattoo.
Reasons:
I want to be “rebellious” (mom said it was ok….so my plan to be rebellious is defeated-but im still going to be “rebellious”)
I LOVE small tattoos…not ones that you can see at first glance but ones with a story. I wouldn’t want someone to be distracted by my tattoo if we were in a conversation.
I am only getting words. Now I am not promising to only get one tattoo throughout my life….but I do promise it will always have meaning and never be a picture.
I am still trying to decide what I want.
Some ideas:
Locations- wrist, inside arm, foot, upper neck
I am looking at doing a few words. I want it to be a conversational starter.
The tattoo will “sum up” in words a reminder of what I have struggled with, grown in, and how God has played an instrumental part in helping me overcome it.
So we will see…..
Reasons:
I want to be “rebellious” (mom said it was ok….so my plan to be rebellious is defeated-but im still going to be “rebellious”)
I LOVE small tattoos…not ones that you can see at first glance but ones with a story. I wouldn’t want someone to be distracted by my tattoo if we were in a conversation.
I am only getting words. Now I am not promising to only get one tattoo throughout my life….but I do promise it will always have meaning and never be a picture.
I am still trying to decide what I want.
Some ideas:
Locations- wrist, inside arm, foot, upper neck
I am looking at doing a few words. I want it to be a conversational starter.
The tattoo will “sum up” in words a reminder of what I have struggled with, grown in, and how God has played an instrumental part in helping me overcome it.
So we will see…..
The cheesy things in life…
Something about me. I LOVE sweet quotes and sayings- the normal person would call them cheesy or ridiculous and they really are, but for some reason they just get me!
I am a pretty cheesy person myself so a hint….future boyfriend- Im not into chick flicks but there has to be cute lines in the movie. The predicted lines that make you go “they could have done better- this is cheesy” will be the lines I go “I wish I was in the movie” so I am not that girly romantic movie watcher but im a sucker for those simple words.
I am a pretty cheesy person myself so a hint….future boyfriend- Im not into chick flicks but there has to be cute lines in the movie. The predicted lines that make you go “they could have done better- this is cheesy” will be the lines I go “I wish I was in the movie” so I am not that girly romantic movie watcher but im a sucker for those simple words.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
the lies. the struggle. the growth
so i am writing with tears in my eyes. but i feel like i need to write out what i have been processing for some time now. I have finally sat down and confronted things i was hoping would just go away. for years now i have let lies become my new truth and it has ruined many conversations, and caused a feeling of unworthiness in me. i got the opportunity to sit down with an amazing woman of God and after a few hours of talking, i felt like challenged to actually work on breaking the lies that tied me down.
my biggest lie:
Basically i walk around every day believing i am a failure at everything i do and that one mistake is not an opportunity to grow but adding to the list of "How i am not good enough." i have let this rule me for years. The gal i talked with for hours challenged me to counteract this lie with some truth (whether it was a verse or not) although the truth i decided on seems simple, she told me that it helped her get through battles. well for this last week- i felt very refreshed and energized. there were several times where i had to say it to myself and i did feel a bit better. but nothing huge huge came until tonight. i feel like any comment directed at who i am hurts me more than a comment directed at what i am doing. a comment was made that hurt me and i instantly thought "I wasn't good enough and i thought i was the best i could be" the person meant nothing harsh by it was i am having such a hard time battling this right now.
i want to be done with this lie.
i want to walk in Christ's energy so i can move on.
my biggest lie:
Basically i walk around every day believing i am a failure at everything i do and that one mistake is not an opportunity to grow but adding to the list of "How i am not good enough." i have let this rule me for years. The gal i talked with for hours challenged me to counteract this lie with some truth (whether it was a verse or not) although the truth i decided on seems simple, she told me that it helped her get through battles. well for this last week- i felt very refreshed and energized. there were several times where i had to say it to myself and i did feel a bit better. but nothing huge huge came until tonight. i feel like any comment directed at who i am hurts me more than a comment directed at what i am doing. a comment was made that hurt me and i instantly thought "I wasn't good enough and i thought i was the best i could be" the person meant nothing harsh by it was i am having such a hard time battling this right now.
i want to be done with this lie.
i want to walk in Christ's energy so i can move on.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
half way done...
SO what a busy week for finals week. Work....i love it and i laugh that out of all the weeks to schedule me a ton, it would be during finals. Im super tired and haven't had must rest. but you know, it's better than i thought. I have quite a few highs and lows so far. WSM middle school (youth group) is great every week and im excited that im starting to get to know my 87th graders by name and seeing their fun and diverse personalities, what a blessing it is to be their leader. Im starting to establish friendships with my coworkers and God has opened up so many opportunities to shine Christ, im amazed that He chooses to use me, a college freshmen, to mirror Christ in the work environment. May i just say coming home to "Christmas" is great. There is usually homemade apple cider, Michael Buble playing in the background, the fire going, the lights lit up, and my family. Its like dream season for me. Im ready for a break break in Washington though. I miss everyone up there- my grandma especially. After spring break i feel like me and her hit a new level of grandma-granddaughter relationship. like i want to hang out with her and soak in a much of her cute humor as much as possible.
Now for my lows....with this i feel like i don't want to stop at my lows but find good in it.
When it comes down to it, im not bummed staying here in fresno at all, im bummed with the people who were in and out of life in a matter of months. two of my close friends are in a different state or in a program in the mountains, so i dont hear from them often and the people who stayed in fresno as well....well we aren't friends anymore. some of them came home for the holidays and are meeting up with those who stayed here (all except me). although i know this is the place where God is having me, its sad to see that my old friends are all still besties and wanting to hang out. i lived so much life with them last year and it was gone before i knew it....meaning that i hung onto them and didnt allow for God. This season has shown me that i NEED him to help me not stay in a state of anger, bitterness, or hurt. In Christ alone. do i believe that?
BUT the people he has placed in my life are AMAZING!
Lets start with my sister-julianne. She has been through quite a lot this year and has GROWN so much in who she is in Christ. The little emotion she once showed is now filled with funny, light hearted sarcasm and caringness. She is looking above herself and constantly loving me when i don't deserve it. I love hanging out with her and we have created so many memories this year. IM THANKFUL to be here this year because we have developed such a strong relationship. Even how we resolve conflict has changed and i can see how loyal she is. I have myself a sister who is so rare and am lucky to have her this close to me. The people who hurt her are missing out on her joy and compassion. (Thats just my protective sister side coming out)
We had a couple move into our guest bedroom, they have been here for almost 2 months, and they have blown my mind. The love they have for each other and us is such a gift! PJ-well he can just make me laugh about anything and we even have a couple inside joke. Sheri- man she is one of the most genuine and incredibly loving people i know. She is such a servant and listens to my ridiculous dramatic stories. IM THANKFUL to be here this year because they have blessed me in so many way and challenged me in my walk with Christ by how they love each other and serve Him daily.
Melody- she used to live with us and we learned to love each other but our relationship didn't take off until last year. She started invest into my life and we started to see that we could relate to a lot of things. I love our time together- if its watching Bones or sitting next to each other in church. IM THANKFUL to be here this year because im friends with a determined and sweet gem.
Kim-im interning under her this year and we have met up a few times at panera. spending time with her is def. a top highlight for me this year. I would easily consider her a mentor and a gift to me this season. Her lifestyle challenges me to continue to seek Christ and invest into people who are hard to love. She is so encouraging. IM THANKFUL to be here this year because she didn't have to invest into my life and yet she loves on me in the midst of my processing.
Sean- im not quite sure how to explain how friendship. it is built on a foundation of health i would say. he seeks Christ and so automatically our friendship is not superficial. we both have an understanding that guys and girls are not meant to be bffs for life but i truly believe that God has allowed for us to be close friends in this season of life. i know that it will not stay this close but am completely content knowing that. our friendship is based on growing and challenging each other for Christ. he has made me a better person in this year and i have seen now how a guy can treat a girl with Christs love and not with a sin intent. Most guys would not want to be close friends with a girl they werent attracted to but he is. IM THANKFUL for his friendship to me and how much he has loved on my family and me.
ashley-my future roommate. she is loyal. she is in love with Christ. she is a good solid friend. im excited to meet her next year and continue growing together.
i need to keep perspective, cause i have really been blessed.
Now for my lows....with this i feel like i don't want to stop at my lows but find good in it.
When it comes down to it, im not bummed staying here in fresno at all, im bummed with the people who were in and out of life in a matter of months. two of my close friends are in a different state or in a program in the mountains, so i dont hear from them often and the people who stayed in fresno as well....well we aren't friends anymore. some of them came home for the holidays and are meeting up with those who stayed here (all except me). although i know this is the place where God is having me, its sad to see that my old friends are all still besties and wanting to hang out. i lived so much life with them last year and it was gone before i knew it....meaning that i hung onto them and didnt allow for God. This season has shown me that i NEED him to help me not stay in a state of anger, bitterness, or hurt. In Christ alone. do i believe that?
BUT the people he has placed in my life are AMAZING!
Lets start with my sister-julianne. She has been through quite a lot this year and has GROWN so much in who she is in Christ. The little emotion she once showed is now filled with funny, light hearted sarcasm and caringness. She is looking above herself and constantly loving me when i don't deserve it. I love hanging out with her and we have created so many memories this year. IM THANKFUL to be here this year because we have developed such a strong relationship. Even how we resolve conflict has changed and i can see how loyal she is. I have myself a sister who is so rare and am lucky to have her this close to me. The people who hurt her are missing out on her joy and compassion. (Thats just my protective sister side coming out)
We had a couple move into our guest bedroom, they have been here for almost 2 months, and they have blown my mind. The love they have for each other and us is such a gift! PJ-well he can just make me laugh about anything and we even have a couple inside joke. Sheri- man she is one of the most genuine and incredibly loving people i know. She is such a servant and listens to my ridiculous dramatic stories. IM THANKFUL to be here this year because they have blessed me in so many way and challenged me in my walk with Christ by how they love each other and serve Him daily.
Melody- she used to live with us and we learned to love each other but our relationship didn't take off until last year. She started invest into my life and we started to see that we could relate to a lot of things. I love our time together- if its watching Bones or sitting next to each other in church. IM THANKFUL to be here this year because im friends with a determined and sweet gem.
Kim-im interning under her this year and we have met up a few times at panera. spending time with her is def. a top highlight for me this year. I would easily consider her a mentor and a gift to me this season. Her lifestyle challenges me to continue to seek Christ and invest into people who are hard to love. She is so encouraging. IM THANKFUL to be here this year because she didn't have to invest into my life and yet she loves on me in the midst of my processing.
Sean- im not quite sure how to explain how friendship. it is built on a foundation of health i would say. he seeks Christ and so automatically our friendship is not superficial. we both have an understanding that guys and girls are not meant to be bffs for life but i truly believe that God has allowed for us to be close friends in this season of life. i know that it will not stay this close but am completely content knowing that. our friendship is based on growing and challenging each other for Christ. he has made me a better person in this year and i have seen now how a guy can treat a girl with Christs love and not with a sin intent. Most guys would not want to be close friends with a girl they werent attracted to but he is. IM THANKFUL for his friendship to me and how much he has loved on my family and me.
ashley-my future roommate. she is loyal. she is in love with Christ. she is a good solid friend. im excited to meet her next year and continue growing together.
i need to keep perspective, cause i have really been blessed.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
the fear is legit...
I decided I need a break from the overwhelming mess of school work, I have reached the end of week 7 (out of 8 weeks) and although i am very proud to have made it this far, i am not at in a state of peace, or a willingness to push on through. why is this?
I have been assigned the WORST thing possible. To speak. to give a speech. to film myself giving a speech. to be in the spotlight for at least 10minutes. even as i write this, my tummy is all jumbled up and i have a huge lump in my throat. you must be thinkng, "ashlyn, it's just a speech." or "it takes confidence and practice" Yes you are so right, and i pretty much gave up on even trying to explain the extent of my fear. I left my explanation to a simple, "It's worse than a fear." That is the only way I could express what i felt.
You may think "oh well you haven't done it enough." well here is a list of all the times i was in the spotlight. never did i walk into it feeling ok, never in the middle of my speech did i feel "wow im doing good!", and never have i walked away feeling relieved. just even thinking about past times makes me feel sick to my stomach.
-i was in several musicals (although i can't sing or act, i thought that i could get rid of my fear...nope)
-i helped host a Father-Daughter conference at Hume Lake with my dad (i thought standing in front of 200 people simply giving announcement would be ok....fail)
-i was a part of several poetry contests (always turned red when i looked at the judges)
-i stood in front of family and friends to explain my science fair
-i spoke to the people who attended my baptism this year, and that is the only one im ok that i struggled with
-i spoke to my youth group (over 100) about my missions trip to kenya
-i had to be filmed for a youth group video
-i had to lead events at school for Peer Counseling (leadership class)
my fear plays out day to day:
-calling for pizza
-calling Moody Bible just to ask a simple question
-group interviews for a job
-answering the phone at work
-volunteering to do an activity at youth group (up on stage)
-praying in a large group
-giving my testimony in front of more than 3 people
-when standing in a group and someone says "Well. Ashlyn said this...."
whenever i hear the words "Ashlyn, what do you think?", or "Ashlyn, will you read this out loud for me", both in church and school settings, any time the adult brought the attention(aka spotlight) on me i about wanted to die. I am totally fine answering a question or talking to a my Bible study friends, but only when i decide to can i feel ok. Feeling the spotlight on me when i had no intention being a part of it makes me literally want to throw up.
i knew that i wasn't the only one who had a fear like this, but i am surrounded by my mom (who speaks at conferences), and outgoing friends (who are ok talking).
This speech that i am working on....man....im just so torn up inside. BUT after all that....the reason i am even posting this fear of mine is because i know more info on it now :)
I have what you call, PSA or " Public Speaking Apprehension". See most people get butterflies before they speak and then it leaves, or they practice and their nervousness leaves. There are even people who have mastered the fear of public speaking. PSA is different though, its a legit fear, and i am not the only one!!! As i was reading my school book it started talking about it and i was finding that i could relate to all their examples of it. It makes me feel better to know that i am not making this fear up or being super dramatic (some people think i am)....
so it looks like its going to take a TON of work to figure out how to be ok at even talking on the phone or talking in a classroom but i know how to communicate now to my teachers to let them know.
the speech i am going to give next week will probably not be A quality but i will do my best.
I have been assigned the WORST thing possible. To speak. to give a speech. to film myself giving a speech. to be in the spotlight for at least 10minutes. even as i write this, my tummy is all jumbled up and i have a huge lump in my throat. you must be thinkng, "ashlyn, it's just a speech." or "it takes confidence and practice" Yes you are so right, and i pretty much gave up on even trying to explain the extent of my fear. I left my explanation to a simple, "It's worse than a fear." That is the only way I could express what i felt.
You may think "oh well you haven't done it enough." well here is a list of all the times i was in the spotlight. never did i walk into it feeling ok, never in the middle of my speech did i feel "wow im doing good!", and never have i walked away feeling relieved. just even thinking about past times makes me feel sick to my stomach.
-i was in several musicals (although i can't sing or act, i thought that i could get rid of my fear...nope)
-i helped host a Father-Daughter conference at Hume Lake with my dad (i thought standing in front of 200 people simply giving announcement would be ok....fail)
-i was a part of several poetry contests (always turned red when i looked at the judges)
-i stood in front of family and friends to explain my science fair
-i spoke to the people who attended my baptism this year, and that is the only one im ok that i struggled with
-i spoke to my youth group (over 100) about my missions trip to kenya
-i had to be filmed for a youth group video
-i had to lead events at school for Peer Counseling (leadership class)
my fear plays out day to day:
-calling for pizza
-calling Moody Bible just to ask a simple question
-group interviews for a job
-answering the phone at work
-volunteering to do an activity at youth group (up on stage)
-praying in a large group
-giving my testimony in front of more than 3 people
-when standing in a group and someone says "Well. Ashlyn said this...."
whenever i hear the words "Ashlyn, what do you think?", or "Ashlyn, will you read this out loud for me", both in church and school settings, any time the adult brought the attention(aka spotlight) on me i about wanted to die. I am totally fine answering a question or talking to a my Bible study friends, but only when i decide to can i feel ok. Feeling the spotlight on me when i had no intention being a part of it makes me literally want to throw up.
i knew that i wasn't the only one who had a fear like this, but i am surrounded by my mom (who speaks at conferences), and outgoing friends (who are ok talking).
This speech that i am working on....man....im just so torn up inside. BUT after all that....the reason i am even posting this fear of mine is because i know more info on it now :)
I have what you call, PSA or " Public Speaking Apprehension". See most people get butterflies before they speak and then it leaves, or they practice and their nervousness leaves. There are even people who have mastered the fear of public speaking. PSA is different though, its a legit fear, and i am not the only one!!! As i was reading my school book it started talking about it and i was finding that i could relate to all their examples of it. It makes me feel better to know that i am not making this fear up or being super dramatic (some people think i am)....
so it looks like its going to take a TON of work to figure out how to be ok at even talking on the phone or talking in a classroom but i know how to communicate now to my teachers to let them know.
the speech i am going to give next week will probably not be A quality but i will do my best.
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