there were many ups and downs today. my heart is heavy yet so thankful. tomorrow will be a good day (Thanksgiving) but today....man. Everything piled up on my again. My strength was all me and i am now running to God wondering whats wrong...oh right because i am human and my energy will not get me very far. I feel so alone again. Where is my identity right now? Im in a season without strong female friends. I got to sit down and process what has been going on in my heart- it was so good to share with someone who actually cares and i walked away feeling room to breath finally. but it seems the moment i breath something comes up. i walked away from another conversation feeling confused, icky, and so drained. "God i am tired. I am tired of going to Bible school because now i dont even open the word up just for fun. I am tired of no friends. I am tired of seeing my old friends move on. im tired."
remember ashlyn....God is the God of JUST ENOUGH.
He has blessed me with the best family ever. He has blessed me with a car. He has blessed me with a great job. He has blessed me with fog, beautiful trees, and the ability to relax. He has blessed me with the opportunity to serve and love on Jr. Highers. I am so blessed. My focus should be this.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
smell of colors...
hello this a very content Ashlyn talking right now :) so i think i have found an all time favorite spot in fresno. Starbucks at Fig Garden- sure its out of the way BUT its so fun, classy, and not a normal starbucks. Here i am sitting by myself, drinking some white chocolate mocha, listening to "coffee shop" music, oblivious to time, people watching- i feel like im in a movie and could not ask for a better morning. seriously- i love taking people to coffee and sitting and talking for hours but i think i LOVE being with people in silence a little more. So if anyone wants to just to homework or write, and doesn't want to talk but wants to be with people-call me up. i don't want to leave!!
i took my new testament quiz and got a B on it! yes im happy, after two weeks of D's this is called success and making progress. just taking school one week at a time.
i decided to commit to at least a semester working with the middle school at church and am excited to see what God has in store for me.
oh and im all fall-like: cute burnt orange scarf, target uggs, brown shirt, dark jeans, hair in fun ponytail, glasses- yea classy.
outside FALL TREESSSS eeeek i LOVE trees :)
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
love moments like this...
For my online classes, there are weekly questions and as I looked back on what I had written a few weeks ago, i stopped at this one. I feel like this very much shows where I am at.
"Being hurt and disregarded as little worth with several friendships I have had in my life, has both grown and challenged me. I started to look for not only a friend of amazing character who would not stab me in the back but to become that friend for anyone I come into contact with that I had not found yet. Loyalty was an automatic for me. Never did I think people would just walk out on me because of what I believed in, or someone better was found. Loyalty was in my blood- never did I think of leaving any friend whether there was some conflict needing to be worked out. Loyalty means that no matter how the friend is treated, they looked past the hurtful action, show grace and forgive them. Loyalty means sticking at something that is not always fun and easy. Loyalty is intention and putting energy into something. Loyalty is by far something I cherish. When I am blessed with a loyal friend- I am so thankful and when God has allowed someone who is not necessarily a good friend, I will love on and invest my love and be that loyal friend. (Who knows, I may be that one opportunity that the person gets to see Christ revealed) Loyalty is something I used to expect but have learned cherish. It’s a reminder that although at time we all fall short of being loyal to a friend, God is always there and is Loyal.
Happiness. So much is etched into that word. I love making plans and to do lists. I need 24hrs to be informed of a change and if I am not…I pretty much freak out inside. (At home I show it by turning robotic- not being flexible and honest-like I should) Being content has been a constant struggle for me. Happiness is a mere feeling and being content is not just a feeling but a perspective. I find I more enjoy life if I am not so worked up on all the wrong things in my life. Being here at home-doing school all by myself at my kitchen table, no college friends is not my dream place I’d like to be. I am a fellowship girl. I love living in community and right now God has placed me in what I call “Solitary Confinement” season. I constantly ask- what am I doing here? Why why why? As if my plan is better than Gods. Haha. If my perspective changed a littler- I would see that I am so blessed in life and although I am not in the midst of “a happy season” my perspective needs to change and from that I will find a sense of peace, leading to contentment, which leads to a less worrying life and is more fun, fun leads to happiness. I need to focus on the root rather than the branch (result) of happiness.
I JUST GOT BACK FROM CBU (CAL BAPTIST UNIVERSITY). IT WAS A 2 DAY TRIP, SHORT AND SPONTANEOUS. I GOT THE PRIVILEGE TO SIT IN A CAR WITH A CHILDHOOD FRIEND AND HAVE SUCH GREAT, DEEP, AND CHALLENGING CONVERSATIONS. I GOT TO TOUR A BEAUTIFUL SCHOOL AND SURPRISE A DEAR FRIEND. MY FRIEND TRIED OUT FOR CHIOR AND AS I SAT WATCHING THE AMAZING VOICES (DEF. HAD CHILLS) MY ONLY THOUGHT WAS "I WOULD NOT WANT TO BE ANYWHERE ELSE. I AM COMPLETELY CONTENT." I AM SO THANKFUL MY FRIEND ASKED ME TO GO. I GOT A CHANCE TO BREATH. PAUSE. AND GROW IN RELATIONSHIPS. MAN. IT ENERGIZED ME FOR THIS WEEK AND I FEEL LIKE I HAVE SUCH A REFRESHED PERSPECTIVE. :)
From this week.... my heart in ministry is leaning towards loving and investing on missionary kids in Kenya. How that looks and what i do- i have NO idea yet. But Thanks to this trip im starting to see where my passions are exactly..now im trying to figure out what talents God has given me to use and how i can best use them effectively.
"Being hurt and disregarded as little worth with several friendships I have had in my life, has both grown and challenged me. I started to look for not only a friend of amazing character who would not stab me in the back but to become that friend for anyone I come into contact with that I had not found yet. Loyalty was an automatic for me. Never did I think people would just walk out on me because of what I believed in, or someone better was found. Loyalty was in my blood- never did I think of leaving any friend whether there was some conflict needing to be worked out. Loyalty means that no matter how the friend is treated, they looked past the hurtful action, show grace and forgive them. Loyalty means sticking at something that is not always fun and easy. Loyalty is intention and putting energy into something. Loyalty is by far something I cherish. When I am blessed with a loyal friend- I am so thankful and when God has allowed someone who is not necessarily a good friend, I will love on and invest my love and be that loyal friend. (Who knows, I may be that one opportunity that the person gets to see Christ revealed) Loyalty is something I used to expect but have learned cherish. It’s a reminder that although at time we all fall short of being loyal to a friend, God is always there and is Loyal.
Happiness. So much is etched into that word. I love making plans and to do lists. I need 24hrs to be informed of a change and if I am not…I pretty much freak out inside. (At home I show it by turning robotic- not being flexible and honest-like I should) Being content has been a constant struggle for me. Happiness is a mere feeling and being content is not just a feeling but a perspective. I find I more enjoy life if I am not so worked up on all the wrong things in my life. Being here at home-doing school all by myself at my kitchen table, no college friends is not my dream place I’d like to be. I am a fellowship girl. I love living in community and right now God has placed me in what I call “Solitary Confinement” season. I constantly ask- what am I doing here? Why why why? As if my plan is better than Gods. Haha. If my perspective changed a littler- I would see that I am so blessed in life and although I am not in the midst of “a happy season” my perspective needs to change and from that I will find a sense of peace, leading to contentment, which leads to a less worrying life and is more fun, fun leads to happiness. I need to focus on the root rather than the branch (result) of happiness.
I JUST GOT BACK FROM CBU (CAL BAPTIST UNIVERSITY). IT WAS A 2 DAY TRIP, SHORT AND SPONTANEOUS. I GOT THE PRIVILEGE TO SIT IN A CAR WITH A CHILDHOOD FRIEND AND HAVE SUCH GREAT, DEEP, AND CHALLENGING CONVERSATIONS. I GOT TO TOUR A BEAUTIFUL SCHOOL AND SURPRISE A DEAR FRIEND. MY FRIEND TRIED OUT FOR CHIOR AND AS I SAT WATCHING THE AMAZING VOICES (DEF. HAD CHILLS) MY ONLY THOUGHT WAS "I WOULD NOT WANT TO BE ANYWHERE ELSE. I AM COMPLETELY CONTENT." I AM SO THANKFUL MY FRIEND ASKED ME TO GO. I GOT A CHANCE TO BREATH. PAUSE. AND GROW IN RELATIONSHIPS. MAN. IT ENERGIZED ME FOR THIS WEEK AND I FEEL LIKE I HAVE SUCH A REFRESHED PERSPECTIVE. :)
From this week.... my heart in ministry is leaning towards loving and investing on missionary kids in Kenya. How that looks and what i do- i have NO idea yet. But Thanks to this trip im starting to see where my passions are exactly..now im trying to figure out what talents God has given me to use and how i can best use them effectively.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
One (or 11) TOO many
I busy myself when things aren't going according to plan. When thinks are stressing me out, when life is not happening the way i want them i don't head for my Bible, i don't talk it up with God either. we all resort to something that gets our mind off of whatever the problem is. I have busied myself with TV Shows this season. Because i am not surrounded by many people this fall, i have upgraded from sticking my nose in books for hours on end to watching hours of shows.
TV SHOWS i watched for the past 2 months...
New Girl -20 min (watch alone)
Castle -45min (watch with people)
Modern Family -20min (watch with people)
The middle -20min (watch alone)
Person of interest -45 min (watch alone)
Terra Nova -45min (watch alone)
Bones -45min (watch with people)
Hart of Dixie -45min (watch alone)
Unforgettable -45min (watch alone)
Body of Proof -45min (watch alone)
Up all night -20min (watch alone)
A gifted man -45min (watch alone)
Once upon a time -45min (watch alone)
Pan am -45min (watch alone)
NCIS LA -45min (watch with people)
On a weekly basis i watched 575mins a week. 10 hours of shows every week. HOLY MOLY!
I have no problem with the shows i watch, but i do have a huge issue with the amount of time i spend on my laptop just watching shows. Here i am complain that i have no time but here is 10 easy hours to be with my family, spend some good time in the Bible, hang out with friends, sleep. I sprained my foot this week and my life has been put on pause, im sure because there is no way i would have stopped and just breathed for a second. Finally after 5 days in bed- im starting to get the picture haha. I'm rethinking how my perspective even is about my time here in Fresno. Im rethinking boundaries with friendships. Im rethinking the root of my "issues". Im rethinking how i spend my time. It took a sprain to make me pause...gosh i just love learning the hard way....
SOOOOOOOO.....Here is me trying to grow and change in this area of life.
Watching Tv shows is like a very happy hobby of mine and it's fun to do with friends but if you look above look how many shows i actually watch with people vs. on my laptop in my room. I am only going to watch 4 shows now. FOUR. not 15. why four? no idea- felt it was a good number for myself. and ill change it if i need to.
The shows i will now watch:
The only show i will watch by myself- to relax and enjoy.
After the high school seniors are done with Bible study at our house every wednesday- anyone can stay to watch it. This show is like my "Friends" show. I can watch it over and over again.
This is like MY SHOW...this is the last season :( BUT, i watch this with Melody. Good times good times.
Sean comes over every monday night and me, Juju and him watch it- TRADITION :) a highlight of my week.
TV SHOWS i watched for the past 2 months...
New Girl -20 min (watch alone)
Castle -45min (watch with people)
Modern Family -20min (watch with people)
The middle -20min (watch alone)
Person of interest -45 min (watch alone)
Terra Nova -45min (watch alone)
Bones -45min (watch with people)
Hart of Dixie -45min (watch alone)
Unforgettable -45min (watch alone)
Body of Proof -45min (watch alone)
Up all night -20min (watch alone)
A gifted man -45min (watch alone)
Once upon a time -45min (watch alone)
Pan am -45min (watch alone)
NCIS LA -45min (watch with people)
On a weekly basis i watched 575mins a week. 10 hours of shows every week. HOLY MOLY!
I have no problem with the shows i watch, but i do have a huge issue with the amount of time i spend on my laptop just watching shows. Here i am complain that i have no time but here is 10 easy hours to be with my family, spend some good time in the Bible, hang out with friends, sleep. I sprained my foot this week and my life has been put on pause, im sure because there is no way i would have stopped and just breathed for a second. Finally after 5 days in bed- im starting to get the picture haha. I'm rethinking how my perspective even is about my time here in Fresno. Im rethinking boundaries with friendships. Im rethinking the root of my "issues". Im rethinking how i spend my time. It took a sprain to make me pause...gosh i just love learning the hard way....
SOOOOOOOO.....Here is me trying to grow and change in this area of life.
Watching Tv shows is like a very happy hobby of mine and it's fun to do with friends but if you look above look how many shows i actually watch with people vs. on my laptop in my room. I am only going to watch 4 shows now. FOUR. not 15. why four? no idea- felt it was a good number for myself. and ill change it if i need to.
The shows i will now watch:
The only show i will watch by myself- to relax and enjoy.
After the high school seniors are done with Bible study at our house every wednesday- anyone can stay to watch it. This show is like my "Friends" show. I can watch it over and over again.
This is like MY SHOW...this is the last season :( BUT, i watch this with Melody. Good times good times.
Sean comes over every monday night and me, Juju and him watch it- TRADITION :) a highlight of my week.
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