a side nobody sees...

Right now its snowy and it's coming down like crazy. I am sitting in a super ugly tan leather chair under the brightest light ever, people watching and enjoying the white speckles outside. Of course im listening to Frank Sinatra on pandora; it's just that kind of day.

This week is not extraordinary: it may be me least favorite week. I do not enjoy classes because there is this thing called mid-terms. Forget learning, i have to memorize so much in order to pass the class. That's why i don't like tests cause i don't learn anything or soak up things. Whatever, it's almost done. 

So this post is due to several people making me think yet again about life. Because of my dear friend's post and some frustrating conversations with others, I was able to come to the conclusion that people here in Chicago, do not really know me. 

Well duh Ashlyn, you haven't even lived here for a year, so there hasn't been enough time for people to get to know you. 

Well yes, so true, and yet...

there are some sides of me that most people will never, or rarely, see here while i am at college. I would say that i am Me here- i really haven't struggled with covering up my personality or trying to be someone i am not. 

But in that...

i have only been able to tap into some sides of Me while other sides of Me are left in the attic, collecting dust. 

I love love love Chicago, the city atmosphere is just so amazing and at times (like all the time) i feel like i am in some movie. It's surreal to walk down busy streets, be surrounded by all different types of brick buildings, and smell chocolate twirling through the air. But this city is not my home. It's not my natural environment. It's not my familiar comfort. It's foreign. It's fun, new, fresh, but it's not my safe place. 

Here people don't see my ADVENTUROUS side, my FAMILY side, or my DETERMINED (strong-willed) side. At times i feel boxed in here, put in this bubble with everyone else who is fighting to find their identity in Christ and be their own person. There seems to be no room to just be. Just be Me. 

Do we (even I) actually take the time to get to know each person i have a conversation with or do i place them in a box labeling them as just another "Moody Student" or "They have had a hard life so I can't relate" just a thought...anyway...

My ADVENTUROUS side has not been tapped into in quite awhile. I am just so busy here and if i get a break to relax, it's only for a day and usually i am too tired to go do anything fun. But put me in California and my adventurous side comes out. Road trips, late night trips to get special donuts across town, trips to the beach for a day, paint wars, biking all day, rollerblading in stores. I really cherish each moment i got to do those spontaneous things. But even in Fresno, i still have a hard time tapping into that side. 

The mountains though...oh man. I instantly become a kid again, pure joy, endless energy, and spontaneity tap into me. To be surrounded by tall trees, fresh air, ducks, a lake, dirt gives me unofficial permission to be adventurous. I LOVE hiking, off-roading, camping, boating, and building forts in the forest. It fills me up completely. Moving away from Hume made me sacrifice being able to tap into my ADVENTUROUS side whenever i wanted, and you know, i am ok with that, but i do miss it. Living in the midwest now has placed me in a state where i am the farthest away from mountains. So to those who never see my spontaneous, fun, energetic side, simply take me to the mountains. 

My FAMILY side. Oh boy. no one sees this side here on campus. My family is such a huge part of my life. Like i choose to be with them whenever i get a chance. (Most of my christmas break was spent with them.) Back in high school, whenever i brought friends home, it was amazing. They got to see a taste of my life everyday and i loved sharing it. Family dinner was the best, but then epic games came after and of course so many laughs filled the night. My family is all very different and our dynamics really makes me love being a part of it, and i love bringing people into that world. When i am with my family, i think that's when i am the most real, most chill, most quirky, most me. But being here, no one fully understands the extent of what i mean when i say "Oh yea im close with my family." Everyone defines being close to their family very differently which is fine but i wish people who i am getting to know here could understand that side of me. So to those who don't know my family side, simply fly home with me and let me introduce to you one of the best things in my life. 

My DETERMINED side for some reason has not followed me here, and i have no idea why it's back home. By determined i mean my strong-willed, independent nature that got me into trouble during my childhood. Although i care for what others needs and wants are, i almost always have an opinion. One of my least favorite questions is "so what do you want to do?" no because i'm indecisive but because in that minute all i want to do is make sure that my friend's needs are going to be met. i already have my opinion but i hate tapping into it until i know my friend is content. Well i have been doing better at "making decisions" and confidently choosing something when someone asks me. Ok i totally went on a tangent, back on track. Back home, one of my major attributes i am known well by are my opinions. My mom always stated, "well we always know where Ashlyn stands." That's because i verbalized everything that was in my head to let people know where i was at. (whether it was smart to or not, whether people wanted to hear it or not). My determined side is my confidence, it's a huge part of who i am. 

Because i have been boxed in here, i feel squeezed i think and thus this side i am so used to seeing, has been stashed into the attic. i miss it. So to those who don't know my determined side, simply don't box me in. I guess that sounds mean...i think i am just drained and miss my sides that just aren't being seen here in Chicago. 

I'm so ready for Spring Break. In two weeks, my FAMILY side will be coming out and in three weeks my ADVENTUROUS side will be also, which i am sure will naturally drag out my DETERMINED side. I need a fill up. Yes, a fill up, then my time here will be more enjoyed and i will be ok not seeing those sides for a bit again. 

What sides have you not been able to tap into? I have been asking people that question here and i love hearing people process through it. I long to get to know people here, truly get to know them, all their sides if possible. Isn't that living life with them? Why box in certain aspects of people? It makes life boring.