thoughts on a tuesday

what do i see myself as? when i look in the mirror who do i reflect? i know my perspective is screwed up still to put it bluntly. i am the optomist for others but a pessemeist for anything that has to do with myself. instead of walking into everyday asking myself how can i grow and become a better person today? my constant thoughts are how many times will i mess up in the next 5mins it has been said that whatever is on the inside comes out and if i am so consumed by my failures, my actions are twisted and i am not being the best ashlyn i can be. i truly thought i was a confident person, and i am...but only when life is good and i have everything in control. CONTROL and EXPECTATIONS are my two least favorite words. they have been my idols and i am constantly finding myself living with the perspecttive that i EXPECT my plans and CONTROL to work out the way i want. i laugh as i write that because its so selfish and i sit back looking at what others are doing not willing to budge from my stubborn unteachable heart. where did my writing go? my book reading? my time with Jesus? a friend of mine gave me a visual example and it is one of those metaphors control freaks like me would only understand. AM I LETTING MY WORLD SPIN? the world is my perspective. i tend to focus on one continent at one time and get so consumed by it. if step back and let go of control the world would start spinning again and i would then get a bigger picture and the stress i had from tying to hold onto the world would no longer be there.where does my confidence lie? huh thats a good question. God give me the strength to live out the perspective i have been learning about and fill me with love. i have been learning so much but not letting myself grow because it hasn't been easy.