I really don't want to write right now, but mom challenged me to do so, i figure she is right and wise so i should listen. Tonight in Student Leadership, the topic of stewarding your testimony took the spotlight for 2hrs. Right as the speaker started talking about sharing testimonies in front of people, my heart started to race. The whole time he was talking i was nervous and getting a bit emotional. I was trying to be a good listener and be open to the possibility that speaking wasn't hard(he kept saying that you just have to be prepared but speaking is easy) well um no...this theory thing does not relate to all people. i am the proof. I don't think anyone really understands where i am coming from. it may be hard to believe that although i love people, my parents are great speakers, and i have grown up in a christian camp so that must mean im really good at all this Christiany tuff, i HATE speaking in front of people. maybe hate is not the right word....when i even hear the words "speak in front of people." i start to panic, get anxious, want to throw up and cry. it's as if a train has hit me...and if im feeling that because of just hearing the words, you don't even want to know what i feel when i am placed in the terrible position. i have tried "facing my fears" many times and it has done me no good.
i remember giving announcements with my dad at a father/daughter conference...i talked maybe a total of 10 words and i remember every dreadful moment on that stage. i walked up there determined to get over my fear and walked up so shaken up. its not like im scared to share about my life. i love my life. i have been so blessed and i know that my story can give hope to those who are hurt and also comfort those who can relate to my several years of loneliness. i am a one on one person. period. i have shared my story so many times, but in a small group setting.
i love to serve!! its my heart and passion, but God has gifted me in working hard,behind the scenes. i could care less if i dont get the credit. i HATE the spotlight. i get red every time. i have never had a good experience. some may think that since im comfortable in what i love to do, that i don't let myself be challenged. um i love being challenged, but this challenge is not at all on my side. i gave my testimony to my life group, there were only 6 girls, and i did not like any minute of it. it was a forced spotlight. i am not one of those inspirational people who can go up on a stage and speak and walk away impacting so many, i hope that i can impact through my actions first then my words if need be.
i can say right now that i would quit leadership if that would be getting out of speaking. this is no fear of spiders deal, this is like, well i don't know. i can't even ask a math question in class, or read a Bible verse in front of people, or when asked "tell me about yourself" in an interview. it has been this ongoing struggle and i can't shrug it off. i know that if i do end up talking in front of people, i will feel no relief or peace. there will always be that new opportunity to speak around the corner...
i do feel like there i am expected to do too much in leadership right now and im overwhelmed. mom told me that i needed to think of truth now whether i believed it or not. what truth??? hmm...God will not put me in a situation that He knows i can't handle even if it stinks a ton. He knows my heart. He is my strong tower that i need to run to.(verse for Bible study, wow im actually applying it) He won't leave me (with whatever i do, stupid or not)...idk. I'm done.
No comments:
Post a Comment