it clicked...

I have been learning a ton. A ton. I have been struggling and processing life. I have been overwhelmed beyond belief. I have cried more than i would like to. But you know...at the end of the day.


God is still God. God is good. God is enough. God doesn't give up on me.

He waits. Patiently.
He holds me. Gently.
He listens. Understanding.


After three convicting conversations: something clicked.

I am trying to do it on my own. I know that I can't physically, emotionally, or mentally handle it and yet I go throughout my day trying to prove to myself that I can. Jokes on me. What a pathetic thought: "Oh hey God, I got this one. I can do it. You can come along for the ride." Gosh how embarrassing.

As I was trying to work things out i kept telling myself, "I want to let go of control. I just need to work on my issues. I really need to focus on God more." Do you see what I did there? ....I, I, I. Since when does everything revolve around me?

My focus has shifted: I need to wake up every morning with a new and fresh desire, and longing to be near Christ. A NEW desire every day. The minute it becomes routine. The minute my focus goes from delighting in the Lord to asking if I am doing it (reading the Bible, praying right etc) right. The minute I have to stop and look back asking myself "When did that happen? When did I lose my desire for Christ? When did i take control of my life?". That minute....that minute that reminds me I am human and how desperately i need Him. I NEED TO FALL TO MY KNEES AND SURRENDER.

I am nothing. This life is not for me.

How am I going to go about my day delighting in Him? Constantly desiring Him and longing to be apart of His big adventure He has for me? I have no idea. no idea. haha. This is something I just can't plan.

How am i going to start? Going on a walk. As simple as that is. I get to embrace His beauty (even in Fresno yes...have you seen the blossoms??), chat with him, and worship Him. That's a start.

I am so thankful for His faithfulness. He is Good.