insecurity...

my title for this post is not very creative at all, but it's straight to the point. this word, insecurity, is something i don't think about too often. i know that everyone has insecurities. for me, it is not really a daily issue that knocks on my door.

last week i met up with a group of girls and they shared some things they were insecure about. as i listened to them shed light on struggles they are constantly fighting, pride rose in my heart. i did not relate to them. i do not struggle with the things they do. sure i have my moments, but its not a huge issue for me. right then and there, omniscient God tapped on my shoulder and asked what i was doing. here i was sitting putting myself above everyone else. i walked away from that time with them feeling convicted. did i share any insecurities i had? no. did i even have any? not that i could think of. (i find that i don't figure things out until im actually in the midst of it) that night ended up being a really hard night, little things piled down on me and quickly my focus shifted from one thing to the next. my issue of pride was pushed to the back of my head.

fast forward to today. today i am eating up my pride. i am insecure. though i do not live daily with that feeling drooping over me, when that moment does hit, it hits me hard. i woke up feeling sick. i tried to journal, to process. i took a drive. i listened to music. nothing. what was going on with me? i ran into my mom and she asked "are you insecure." i paused. that was it. i was. but with what exactly? it took the car drive home to slowly start to identify the root of what was going on.

i fear losing people i love in my life.
i fear that if i make one wrong decision it will ruin everything.
i fear that ill misunderstand something, overanalyze it, and make an issue that wasn't there to begin with.

several thoughts now as i look over those three fears (insecurities).
-my security is in the tangible. not Christ.
- my fears are focused on me. not others.
- the lie that "i am not good enough" is written all over.

Ashlyn stop this right now. just stop for a moment. the moment that tension rises, don't assume you did something wrong. instead pause and think if you have sinned in any way. not everything is about you. if someone ignores you, it does not mean they are mad at you. if someone doesn't invite you to something, it does not mean they have something against you...and you know that may be the case, they may be mad at you, they may have something against you. but it's not your place to fix things if its their issue. stop people pleasing and step back to see the bigger picture. you are being clouded by thoughts, fears, and are walking away drained, overwhelmed and sick. it is engrained in you to care about people but don't idolize them. if you live your life constantly in fear of losing people you will not enjoy what the day brings, the memories that are made, and you will waste precious time. focus on Christ so you can have PERSPECTIVE.

i know that i can't simply ignore that fact that i am feeling insecure, but i should not be weighed down by it, i need to embrace it and give it to Him because obviously i can't handle it on my own...its only been a morning and i have already freaked out enough. ok thought process done for now.