a thing called trust...

So I just spent quite a bit of time coming up with a really good analogy to convey what is going on in my mind but when i reread it....i got frustrated. It didn't work. My visual example of what is going on in my head just didn't work. I am now at step 1 once again. I guess a simple blog post will have to suffice.

I don't think i am just sick because of lack of sleep.

I don't want to be around people.
I don't want to go to work.
I don't want to do school.

But why?

Because every time I feel pressure about something i freak out. I overanalyze. I wall up. I push away.

I don't rest in His arms. I don't find peace.

I just go throughout my day feeling sick.

I have tried to talk to people about this. (What I am going to do this fall) But you know, at the end of the day, it's a me and Jesus thing. Well actually it is a Jesus thing. (i need to be fully surrendered to Him...but i am not to be honest) Talking it out has not helped me process or helped me breath.

In two weeks, by April 15th, i will receive a letter in the mail. This will be the third and last letter I get from Moody Bible Institute.

Options:

Letter says No
-I will apply to the Pink House
-I will continue to work at Bath and Body works
-I will continue to love on my Jr. High girls
-I will go to a community college
-I will look at other ministry training programs

Letter says Yes
-I will go Moody Bible

-I will say no
-If i say no, i will apply to the Pink House
-If i say no, i will look at going overseas short term

The letter is not God's answer....well its not a clear and direct answer at least. I do not feel at rest with either possible answer. I am looking more at staying here in Fresno...but am i doing it for the right reasons? I am comfortable here. I have community here. I have a boyfriend here. I have my family and a job I love. Maybe God is calling me to leave that. To go into the unknown.

Or maybe i am supposed to be here. To continue doing ministry here. I know I said it's comfortable to live here in fresno and i know we are not called to live a comfortable life...but i think it is all in perspective. I mean when i sit back and look at my life right now....there are a ton of things that kind of suck right now but because my mentality has shifted, i would consider my life comfortable. I feel like in order to grow and be challenged i have to do something, be open to, or allow God to place me in the midst of something i am not comfortable with, but that doesn't mean live an uncomfortable life. There are so many things i am uncomfortable with, like speaking in front of people. But me trying to work on speaking does not make my whole life uncomfortable, it just is a small thing that will challenge and grow me to desire the God of the universe. I feel like you can live a comfortable life in the midst of uncomfortable circumstances. It's just all in perspective. I don't think my reason to leave Fresno should be because i live a comfortable life. My motivation should not be based solely on my circumstances. I don't know if that makes sense.

All in all....i have basically three short weeks to make a decision that will affect the rest of my life. I am up for the adventure....but to be honest i am not fond of this journey to get to the adventure at the moment. I really do need to trust Him.And i know looking back i will be thankful but i also need to be thankful now. right now in the midst of not knowing.