too intense i guess...

who would have thought that what i love, would be turned against me?
who would have thought that who i am, would also become a hindrance? 
who would have thought that even there are bumps within bumps in a journey?

it's kind of funny how areas of growth i have been working through personally all year have become many reasons behind opportunities that are closed off to me. God has been working on me SO much in many areas of my life, but it's interesting how, just because i have identified some areas of growth and have actively taken steps at working towards being refined, i still am running into halting walls where i am unable to obtain the opportunities on the other side.

i walked onto campus this year excited for a fresh start, unable to see beyond my circumstances. and once again nothing went to plan. i ended up needing two jobs (instead of one), i ended up being in classes that someone else has signed me up for, and my new friends i had been looking forward to, didn't come into my life after two weeks (did Jesus forget to tell my new friends (who i hadn't met yet) that i was on campus ready to meet them? haha). i didn't even expect to bring some unresolved situations from home over here to chicago. my struggle to be present yet deal with my circumstances was a daily battle. but all those things were just a knick in my tidied up plans.

the one huge shocker that caught me from under my feet and left me speechless, was the fact that i had successfully scared away my roommate. 

That's right. scared away.

Within one week, i had severed any and all bonds between me and the new girl living with me that would have made friendship possible.

How was it that what i loved to do most (love people, get to know who they are, and all that deep stuff) bit me in the face and slapped my heart around a a few times? who would have thought that what i love would be turned against me?


how did i let this happen? was it just because we were two different people? was it because she just was a mean person? i spent most of last semester struggling through so many questions, rustling with God. Why would he allow my very own passion to eat at me? how much longer could i handle the akward silence, the tension, the unspoken thoughts that appeared on our faces?

God really stripped me last semester in what it meant to let go, let go of the fact that i don't have to be liked by every single person, let go of the fact that i can't please everyone in my life.

long story short: God restored and redeemed the relationship between me and my roommate. what a blessing she is to me, even in the hard season last semester, i have been challenged and strengthened in so many ways. (but this post is not about her, so i need to move on)

I have always been told that I am not a very surfacey person. I really have a hard time keeping small talk. I am just so much more interested in the person's heart rather than what they ate for dinner. Soon after i observed that my roommate may have been scared off by me, i started to process through the "whys". I soon figured out it's because of my deep passion to love people with everything that i am, i forget not everyone is wired the same way. Quickly, i saw that students here handle relationships in many different ways and at first i truly thought they were all wrong. (But we are all learning what it even means to be a friend. So that thought diminished from my prideful mind.) I finally observed that i am, simply put, a very intense person. and that means i don't do well at easing into things or at slowly becoming friends with someone. who would have thought that who i am, would also become a hindrance? Without knowing it, i was steering people away. After talking to my mentors, i decided it was about time to work through it.

and what a journey it has and still continues to be in this season. what did i get myself into? oh right, this is just another way to draw closer to Jesus and grow in who He created me to be.

yesterday, i took the opportunity to sit down with a Moody Staff member and talk over the reasoning behind not getting into the RA program i had wanted so much to be a part of. It was hard to walk into a conversation not knowing what would be said while trying to maintain a teachable spirit. It was a very good but hard conversation to have. I am still processing through some frustrations, but i do see that it really was not what God has in store for me next year. And because that fact is evident, i have given myself the freedom to work through the emotions that come with being rejected from a super awesome program. 

the reason i did not make it in was because: my personality and passions  were too intense. after a whole semester of trying to ease off, to be told that the reason i did not make it in was the one thing i had already been working on, man that hit so hard. who would have thought that even there are bumps within bumps in a journey? The two areas i was encouraged to grow in (were my weaknesses that i had listed in the application): my inability to be flexible all the time and my overbearing desire for deep relationships. I could have easily written down other weaknesses of mine. And i wonder...would the results have been different? I could have put that i am sometimes messy or that i get quiet when i am stressed out. It is hard to acknowledge the fact that the struggles i shared honestly, were ones i was actively working through, and those struggles, were what disqualified me. 

As i said earlier, it was not in God's agenda for me, and i do trust He is doing Good in my life, but it's just not fun to run into more bumps in the road as i am already working through some bumps personally in my life. 


I have an interview tomorrow for another program. I will be ok if i don't make it in. But my confidence in the interview itself has completely diminished. How will i balance who i am in a professional way and yet be completely genuine and honest?