expectation obligation....

Grace. this word...what has it become to me? as i stared out the train window, mind wandering, a thought hit me. do i really get what it means? has it become an expected responsibility? a christian requirement? a reaction based on guilt?

i feel like we long for grace yet when someone who doesn't deserve anything, needs it, we hesitate(which is exactly what grace is). Grace is not a natural thing (yes discipline in that area would probably make it easier) but for me, whether it be person i can't stand, a person who hurt me immensely, or even my family who needs grace, i have such a hard time giving it. I long for justice, to put people in the right; but Grace breaks the rules of "who's right and who's wrong" and focuses instead on loving with Christ's love.

You have people who will ask for grace when they are in the wrong...but then there are  those who may never "make amends" and ask for it. I expect it. I expect people to ask for grace. I mean i ask God for His grace everyday, so how hard can it be for people...
wait Ashlyn when do you ask for God's grace? ....when i feel like it....when i pause after a busy day....when its my timing...

So here i am, expecting people to ask me to show them grace because its the "right" thing to do (aka a Christian obligation). And yet, i walk throughout my day, every single day, brushing God off my shoulder, taking Him for granted, His grace for granted.

Grace is a gift. a gift. To be honest, its really hard for me to not wrap it all up with expectations when i give it.

I either hoard grace or give it with a leash tightly attached.
Grace should be limitless, boundless, and given with a right heart.

So...
What would it look like for me personally to give grace to someone i would much rather lecture at or complain about to my mom? For awhile now, like this month, i planned for specific conversations to happen...which did not. I began to go through the mix of emotions. Went from justifying things and giving excuses for the lack of conversation. Then quickly turned to frustration and filled my head with endless, repeating "what if" questions. There were some tears, some denial moments, some of everything...

But I would say i have "cooled" down from the emotional rollercoaster now. Circumstances are still the same, unchanged. My awesome mom told that this was a GREAT opportunity to show grace. Grace...really? Grace...come on...

I guess Grace is not just when someone has sinned against you (although thats where we usually see grace most evident) but can be seen maybe as a way of letting go of subconscious expectations. Or in my words, Expectation Obligation(expecting people to feel that its a responsibility to make amends asap).

I expect people to feel the responsibility to seek resolution and that as Christians we are called to live in healthy community...meaning resolution should happen as soon as possible...so its obvious that we should go about things my way right?...yea no we are not called to live Ashlyn's Way. We are called to follow Christ alone.

The aspect of showing Grace to people who don't ask for it, who have not actually sinned against me...is so new to me. It has been one of the bigger battles i have struggled with in this last month.
to let go, but to hope.
to not hold down anyone with Expectation Obligation

I long to make things Right.
but maybe...
probably...
Right looks different than Ashlyn's Right Way.

And this is life. A slow journey figuring out and beginning to actually understand the Lord that i serve. He is the Right way, the only way, Grace: He should be my source i draw from, my energy i soak in, and my rest.

I am still so clueless to the unlimited nature of GRACE. But with the circumstances God is walking next to me in, i am seeing more visual pictures of His Grace to me and how it is the best example to figure out what it means for me to show grace to others.