homesick?...

There are certain things i miss the most from being away from home. No i am not homesick....or am i?

When i moved down the mountain to Fresno, it took me 1 year to adjust to their culture (since i was so used to 13yrs of mountain culture) And it took 3 years to build friendships that actually lasted. Fresno became Home. Traditions formed (i am all about tradition), memories of adventures started piling on top of each other to the point where most of the streets in Fresno have some meaning and story to go along with it.

I have now moved away. Yes i love the city, Yes i love walking everywhere. Yes i love smelling chocolate or some yummy food as i walk down the streets. Yes i love taking the L (subway) with some friends and hanging out at the awesome two-story Target. But in all of that. It's not Home.

It feels good to be on my own but all that was familiar to me is now 2,153 miles away. My family...was who i hung out with for most of my days is no longer in walking distance from me. From car rides with my brother to work  to "sleepover" nights with my sister to family games nights, or even Taco Tuesdays with a bunch of people...well thats gone. At least for me. The traditions are still happening but without me. I am missing out on fun road trips with my family. I am missing out on having two people live with us. I am missing out on introducing a dog to our family. There is so much i am missing out on and its put me in a weird place to sit back and watch from the sidelines. People who i spent hours with are now spending hours living normal life...but without me. Am i ok with that?

As Thanksgiving rolls around...i begin to think of all that i will miss out on. Well Thanksgiving itself...ill be ok without being home. My family has never been that "American Traditional" family. We always have people from different areas in our lives come over. It is different every year, different people, different places. But that in itself is a tradition i guess :) Anyway...

The day after Thanksgiving till December 21st (when i go back home) will be so hard for me. That month is a month of tradition. Of a special family time i just wont get again. My sister and i usually spend one whole day decorating for Christmas, dropping mom's Christmas dishes, and dressing up like reindeer. I know...christmas is so far away. But in moments like today where i am too far away to go and love on someone who needs a hug...all these feelings flood in.

I woke up to a text that sent me in panic mode. Here i was, over 2,000 miles away and could not just walk 20 feet to my parents room to ask "what's going on?" I had to wait to call them (2hr difference) before i could hear my mom's caring voice reassure me. Sure i made a huge deal over something that is completely fine now. But to be so far away...it is moments like this that i long to be home with family.

Maybe that is what homesick is. Maybe its missing the part of being in the family. Maybe its the aspect that i am unable to jump on everyday adventures with them. Maybe this is what homesick is. I wouldn't want to move back home if i was given the opportunity, but if everything i love and care for is on the other side of the country, a part of my heart will always be there longing to be with them.

What a weird thought. An independent person homesick. Weird.