under no label...

i mentioned this before (link to previous post), but i really get insecure sometimes, and usually about something random. i was hit with this feeling after several people walked by me, not looking at me, avoiding conversation, managing to go about their day without including me in it. here i am, longing for deep and solid relationships and people walk by me every single day without care to get to know me. i love being here and starting fresh, starting a new season of my life, but to be honest...i have no identity. (stick with me for a minute: i know that my identity is in christ) here i am 2,100miles away from home surrounded by the unfamiliar. i have no connections, no previously built relationships. no one knows my family. most people give me a blank look when i say "Hume Lake". i am no longer that "hume kid" or "Yvonne's daughter". who i have been known as growing up is all gone. i usually hate being labeled, but i was known for certain things my whole life and now...now everything is new. im starting over.

thinking about it now, i really get super happy when students use the "you are a mountain girl so you wouldn't know", sure they were totally teasing me but they tapped into a familiar memory. i guess subconsciously i feel a little more bonded with whoever mentions that im a "mountain girl", its like they are closer to understanding me. the me that everyone at home knows. the me that hasn't been able to break through here.

the normal me would have already built tons of friendships
the normal me would have found ways to love every person

but after moments of being ignored and brushed off....i feel inadequate. i long to be known, my heart, my thoughts, my passions, even my quirks. no one here gets my humor.

guess its just a day to remember that really...i am a child of God. i am dearly loved.

i just hate when insecurity seeps in unexpectedly.

expectation obligation....

Grace. this word...what has it become to me? as i stared out the train window, mind wandering, a thought hit me. do i really get what it means? has it become an expected responsibility? a christian requirement? a reaction based on guilt?

i feel like we long for grace yet when someone who doesn't deserve anything, needs it, we hesitate(which is exactly what grace is). Grace is not a natural thing (yes discipline in that area would probably make it easier) but for me, whether it be person i can't stand, a person who hurt me immensely, or even my family who needs grace, i have such a hard time giving it. I long for justice, to put people in the right; but Grace breaks the rules of "who's right and who's wrong" and focuses instead on loving with Christ's love.

You have people who will ask for grace when they are in the wrong...but then there are  those who may never "make amends" and ask for it. I expect it. I expect people to ask for grace. I mean i ask God for His grace everyday, so how hard can it be for people...
wait Ashlyn when do you ask for God's grace? ....when i feel like it....when i pause after a busy day....when its my timing...

So here i am, expecting people to ask me to show them grace because its the "right" thing to do (aka a Christian obligation). And yet, i walk throughout my day, every single day, brushing God off my shoulder, taking Him for granted, His grace for granted.

Grace is a gift. a gift. To be honest, its really hard for me to not wrap it all up with expectations when i give it.

I either hoard grace or give it with a leash tightly attached.
Grace should be limitless, boundless, and given with a right heart.

So...
What would it look like for me personally to give grace to someone i would much rather lecture at or complain about to my mom? For awhile now, like this month, i planned for specific conversations to happen...which did not. I began to go through the mix of emotions. Went from justifying things and giving excuses for the lack of conversation. Then quickly turned to frustration and filled my head with endless, repeating "what if" questions. There were some tears, some denial moments, some of everything...

But I would say i have "cooled" down from the emotional rollercoaster now. Circumstances are still the same, unchanged. My awesome mom told that this was a GREAT opportunity to show grace. Grace...really? Grace...come on...

I guess Grace is not just when someone has sinned against you (although thats where we usually see grace most evident) but can be seen maybe as a way of letting go of subconscious expectations. Or in my words, Expectation Obligation(expecting people to feel that its a responsibility to make amends asap).

I expect people to feel the responsibility to seek resolution and that as Christians we are called to live in healthy community...meaning resolution should happen as soon as possible...so its obvious that we should go about things my way right?...yea no we are not called to live Ashlyn's Way. We are called to follow Christ alone.

The aspect of showing Grace to people who don't ask for it, who have not actually sinned against me...is so new to me. It has been one of the bigger battles i have struggled with in this last month.
to let go, but to hope.
to not hold down anyone with Expectation Obligation

I long to make things Right.
but maybe...
probably...
Right looks different than Ashlyn's Right Way.

And this is life. A slow journey figuring out and beginning to actually understand the Lord that i serve. He is the Right way, the only way, Grace: He should be my source i draw from, my energy i soak in, and my rest.

I am still so clueless to the unlimited nature of GRACE. But with the circumstances God is walking next to me in, i am seeing more visual pictures of His Grace to me and how it is the best example to figure out what it means for me to show grace to others.

homesick?...

There are certain things i miss the most from being away from home. No i am not homesick....or am i?

When i moved down the mountain to Fresno, it took me 1 year to adjust to their culture (since i was so used to 13yrs of mountain culture) And it took 3 years to build friendships that actually lasted. Fresno became Home. Traditions formed (i am all about tradition), memories of adventures started piling on top of each other to the point where most of the streets in Fresno have some meaning and story to go along with it.

I have now moved away. Yes i love the city, Yes i love walking everywhere. Yes i love smelling chocolate or some yummy food as i walk down the streets. Yes i love taking the L (subway) with some friends and hanging out at the awesome two-story Target. But in all of that. It's not Home.

It feels good to be on my own but all that was familiar to me is now 2,153 miles away. My family...was who i hung out with for most of my days is no longer in walking distance from me. From car rides with my brother to work  to "sleepover" nights with my sister to family games nights, or even Taco Tuesdays with a bunch of people...well thats gone. At least for me. The traditions are still happening but without me. I am missing out on fun road trips with my family. I am missing out on having two people live with us. I am missing out on introducing a dog to our family. There is so much i am missing out on and its put me in a weird place to sit back and watch from the sidelines. People who i spent hours with are now spending hours living normal life...but without me. Am i ok with that?

As Thanksgiving rolls around...i begin to think of all that i will miss out on. Well Thanksgiving itself...ill be ok without being home. My family has never been that "American Traditional" family. We always have people from different areas in our lives come over. It is different every year, different people, different places. But that in itself is a tradition i guess :) Anyway...

The day after Thanksgiving till December 21st (when i go back home) will be so hard for me. That month is a month of tradition. Of a special family time i just wont get again. My sister and i usually spend one whole day decorating for Christmas, dropping mom's Christmas dishes, and dressing up like reindeer. I know...christmas is so far away. But in moments like today where i am too far away to go and love on someone who needs a hug...all these feelings flood in.

I woke up to a text that sent me in panic mode. Here i was, over 2,000 miles away and could not just walk 20 feet to my parents room to ask "what's going on?" I had to wait to call them (2hr difference) before i could hear my mom's caring voice reassure me. Sure i made a huge deal over something that is completely fine now. But to be so far away...it is moments like this that i long to be home with family.

Maybe that is what homesick is. Maybe its missing the part of being in the family. Maybe its the aspect that i am unable to jump on everyday adventures with them. Maybe this is what homesick is. I wouldn't want to move back home if i was given the opportunity, but if everything i love and care for is on the other side of the country, a part of my heart will always be there longing to be with them.

What a weird thought. An independent person homesick. Weird.

can i pray for you?...

"Can i pray for you?"

A question that i am totally fine asking a friend, family, or even anyone who i have coffee with. I am not even scared to ask a co-worker who doesn't believe in God if i can pray for them either. But...to walk up to someone random on the street and ask that simple question. Oh gosh. Fear and doubt rise in my heart. 

Today in class, everything was normal. I sat with the same people, completely oblivious to the fact that within 15mins we would be sent out of class early. After a short video our teacher told us to get up and go find someone to pray for. Um what??? Everyone quickly gathered their backpacks and we headed out. As i walked with two other friends along the sidewalk surrounding Moody, i was happy and nervous. Who would we encounter? How would this turn out? I was so excited that we were actually applying what we had been learning in class. I was nervous though. I had never done something like this before. This task was asking me to be bold and walk in the Spirit. Did i really believe the power of God? Well i was about to find out. 

We headed to a starbucks nearby the school to see if there was anyone we could talk to and as we were waiting to cross the intersection, i looked in the distance to see one of the Subway stations. A thought occurred...there is always someone who sits in a booth for endless hours, never smiling, at times looking like there is no hope in the world. I quickly expressed my idea of talking to whoever was in the booth to my team and they were all for it. We walked confidently towards the station. With each step though i started thinking, how in the world are we not going to be creepy? asking to pray for someone is not the "normal thing" to do and could freak people out. 

I approached the lady in the booth and simply asked: "Can i buy you coffee?" (where did that question come from? that came from nowhere) The lady was taken aback, looked at me suspicious and asked what the catch was. I said there was no catch. She looked uneasy. (ok God this is where you come and help me not sound creepy...) I then stated that "Would you like a giftcard instead?" With that, her face became less tense. We told her we would be back. 

A bit later we came back with a giftcard and a pumpkin scone. Her face lit up. She was so shocked and ended up walking out of the booth to give us each a hug.

After a minute of her expressing her thankfulness, one of my team members asked if there was anything we could pray for. She instantly told us about her life and how she was struggling financially. We ended up putting our arms around her and prayed. 

I walked away with so much joy, i even started to laughing. Here we were, college students who had no clue who we would encounter or how to bring up prayer. And here was God who had everything lined up. Earlier i read this quote by Neil Cole, "Rarely in my life have I felt God’s grace exhibited more blatantly. I was set up. From the beginning, every piece was put in place for me to come and make a difference. God did all the rest. In all the rescues (rescuing those who do not know Jesus) we have to make, he orchestrates the situations and choreographs our moves. We are privileged to play a part, but he is the one who does all the heavy lifting.”  My team was willing and available and God used us. We did nothing but obey and walk in the Spirit and not only did He bless her through us but we walked away feeling so much joy because we saw Christ move.

We have decided to make a weekly trip to say hello to her and i pray that God will continue to use us and that she will see Him. 

Today was a great day and proof that He is indeed God. He is Good. He is all-powerful. I feel so much more confident now in asking the simple yet deep question.

How can i pray for you?

more than 2mins...

Today i read Proverbs 2. This is not the first time i have read it.

After reading(...more like skimming through) the passage. i went to close my Bible. i was done reading for the day. But then i paused...

yea, Jesus wanted more than 2mins of my time.

i went back(in the most lagging way possible), and reread the chapter. but this time... i turned the chapter into a first person perspective.



oh boy. Jesus was speaking to ME. The Bible is not just to simply skim through and hope that some fortune cookie wisdom pops out. This Bible...its personal. Full of stories, full of life. and God intended for it to be a way to dive deeper into who He is.


these are the moments when i feel His intimacy.


Intimacy...a word so foreign to me yet i have grown up learning my whole life. Glad i serve a patient God , because i have much much learning to do. Now i am seeing that when i ask "God, let me draw closer to you." or "God-i long to fall in love with you more." this is really me seeking God's intimacy but not throughly understanding what i am asking.


so today as i go about another day at Moody, i will try be aware of God's intimacy around me. How that looks, i have no idea. no idea. But i figure if i am looking to Him and being willing to grow...He will take care of the rest. Psh-God is all-powerful...He is present and intimate. i just need to be looking.

This learning, is all part of the journey.

September 27th: lightbulb...

Jesus Calling really gets me like every time i sit down and read the short piece of writing for the day. Sometimes i cheat and read something from a different day. Today, I did not, i innocently read the September 27th entry and now laugh because it was EXACTLY what i needed to hear. It was worded so well to the point that new  feelings were revealed to me...i love when i can't even identify what is going on in my heart then something comes along, like this book, and a lightbulb goes off. 

"Relax in my everlasting arms. Your weakness is an opportunity to grow strong in awareness of My Almighty Presence. When your energy fails you, do not look inward and lament the lack you find there. Look to Me and My sufficiency; rejoice in My radiant riches that are abundantly available to help you.

Go gently through this day, leaning on Me and enjoying My Presence. Thank me for your neediness, which is building trust bonds between us. If you look back on your journey thus far, you can see that days of extreme weakness have been some of your most precious times. Memories if these days are richly interwoven with golden strands of My intimate Presence."

I just love it all :) I would bold everything...but that would be a bit much. What really stuck out to me was "Thank me for your neediness, which is building trust bonds between us." Yes, i have identified my neediness but i have not thanked Him for it. And heres the thing...if i actually submit and thank him..i'm not being left empty handed. I am walking away trusting the Lord so much more and that is what i have been longing for, for so long.

The last sentence pretty much made me stop, halt, pause, and look back at most of my 2012 memories with a new perspective. He really was present in all of it. all of it. Now...when i look back, those moments are truly sweet. Last week i would have said that this year has been hard, frustrating, and just not my year. But the lightbulb went off. If you ask me now...yea 2012 has not been easy but it has been good. I have grown so much, actually started to understand God's intimacy, and realized walking in the unknown is exactly where God would have me...and im ok with that. 

I've given in God...you know what you are doing. You got this completely under control. 

the before and the after...

One of my favorite tv networks to watch is HGTV. No seriously. Sure i give my dad a hard time when he grabs the remote and we are stuck watching some renovation project for hours...but to be honest, i really like it. I am sure the show is geared to teach men how to build things and i really could care less about that. I am all for watching the Before and Afters. With any project, they always show how bad something is and then show how they change it up to be super awesome. I LOVE seeing what changes and how something old and boring can be taken and recreated to something new and fresh. (side note: I always wanted to be on TLC's Trading Spaces and spent hours creating my dream room. That dream never did happen, but a couple of years ago, my family created my dream room. So i'd says its a win)

Watching a whole entire episode of any show was super great (when mom was the Fun Mom and let us watch something) but then TiVo, Hulu, and Netflix were introduced. And from there...i don't think i have ever watched a full episode of any TLC or HGTV show. I always know that the ending will be awesome because they compare the Before and After to each other and its so fun to see all the changes...but I skip the Middle part entirely.

I joke around saying, "I know God is teaching me so much when I am in the midst of hard situations. But im ready to see the end results." I LOVE LOVE looking back over a season and seeing how much He has worked on my heart and how much i have grown. Comparing a picture of me Before to the me Afterwards gives me a visual that i am really growing. But heres the thing...There is no value in the After when we skip over all the hard work, all the in-between stuff. The progress (or Middle part) to get from one place to another is such an important part and yet far too often it is left in the dust.

I seriously am ok with the hard times, but AFTER everything is done. After that season ends. After a lot of time goes on and i can look back. I hate the Middle part completely. I get tired, drained, and frustrated.

Lucky for me, I have Jesus as my Carpenter, Handyman, Creator, Renovator and as i am tossed back and forth with life circumstances, He is there all the way guiding me and transforming me into what He created me to be.

So instead of hating every minute of the Middle part, i should find joy knowing that i am being renewed and refined for His glory. I feel like once i get to that place, i will appreciate the Before and After so much more.

(btw, picture credit goes to a dear mentor of mine who has made her house remarkably homey and incredibly welcoming. I figured this was better than grabbing some random picture off Google)