a "yes" it is...

For those of you who have followed my journey on my blog or walked alongside me this last year, you know that the season i found myself in last year was not easy. I guess life is really never that easy. I guess i just assumed my life would be the exception. A lot of my previous posts clearly showed my processing through what all was going on last year, the struggles, mistakes, frustrations, joys, surprises. Blogging kept me transparent and forced me to embrace both the good and bad.

Last semester i began to process through what it meant to trust Jesus when everything was going wrong. I had a hard time believing that God was a Good God, that his way was the right way. But after being stubborn for so long He broke me and i now can see the beauty behind it all!

I really got so caught up in all the "No's" Jesus was giving me that I literally wanted to give up. Be done with everything. I didn't make it into my dream school after two attempts. I then had to stay home for another year, doing online Bible school. My schedule wouldn't let me attend a Lifegroup. Friends moved away. Right when routine would kick in, a change of plans would hit my life.

Every plan i had was ruined.

And the "every plan won't work"-season carried on through this last semester here at Moody. I had to get two jobs to cover school costs. I had to work every Sunday meaning that I could not find a home church quickly. My roommate situation was complete opposite of what i had intended. I was signed up for classes by someone else that put me behind in school.I applied to be an RA and did not even make it to the level of interviews. Finally i had gotten into my dream school and it seemed at every corner there was a roadblock, a rock to trip me. This was not what i had planned.

So much struggle. So much questioning. So many tears.

 It wasn't until Christmas that i recognized all the unplanned events i went through, really were good. God allowed these hard things in my life to teach me, mold me, and draw me near to Him.

Because I had to stay home: I built better relationships with my family and was able to love my sister as she went through medical issues. 

Because I was unable to join a Lifegroup: God opened the door for me to love on Jr. High girls who i have built such neat relationships with. 

Because I had online classes: My schedule was flexible enough to work at one of my favorite jobs (Bath and Body Works), have a ton of coffee dates, and allow me to be available.

Because all my friends left: I was forced to be social outside my comfort zone and ended having some of the best nights ever with solid people who loved Jesus. 

Because I had to get two jobs: I got the neat opportunity of loving two different groups of people, my co-workers as well as an amazing Chicago family.

Because my roommate and I did not get along at first: I was able to work on some of my weaknesses and began to put my worth in God and not in people. (We are now friends and I couldn't ask for a better roommate. :) God is seriously so good) 

Because I did not get the RA position: I had to trust that Jesus had something better in store for me. 

Trust. I would say I trust Jesus, but not fully.

When circumstances are tough, i never really question what He is doing. I just get tired that He doesn't let me into the bigger picture and the schedule of my life.

When circumstances are good, i hold onto that good, not being present and enjoying God's blessing in my life, because i am so scared He will just take it away.And he has taken people and things out of my life for what seems like no reason. And even though i still don't get it, we are called to trust him fully. With everything. No matter the circumstance. He has a reason for everything and it ok that i don't know it all. I just need to keep my focus on Him the whole time.

This last week was one of the most stressful weeks i have had in a long time. I was shutting down, drained, and growing impatient.For the last 3 months i waited for a response from two things i applied to. Here at moody. Applying to anything Moody, has not been easy for me. It was honestly hard to apply for new things on campus because i faced the possibility of more rejection. But i was challenged to persevere.When anxiety really attacked me, He was there, holding me.

God has finally said "Yes"!!!

"Yes"-Never has that word been more encouraging, refreshing, and exciting. If i had not gone through this hard season, that "Yes" would have been taken for granted. It has such depth now. I recognize that I don't deserve anything, and it is SUCH a blessing when He says "Yes"!

Next year: 
I will be on Moody's Woman Ministries team. I will be diving into a whole new field of the Unknown. I was accepted to join Samaria, its a branch of the women's ministry, i will be going to a public high school and will be trying to build relationships with some of the girls there. This is a new launch so i will be walking into no structure, routine, or plans. This scares me. But i am SOOOO excited to finally be a part of something and begin to build roots here in Chicago.

Also...

I made it into another new program known as Cohorts. Cohorts is a dream come true. Not only will i be attending my dream school but i will be living in my dream situation. The program is much like one i was applying to back home (Plan B if i didn't get into moody). I will be moving into a neighborhood with three other girls known as Little India. It's a win win!! Doing urban ministry WHILE i attend school. I get to build relationships with people in this city in a practical, everyday atmosphere!!


If Jesus had not stripped me away from everything comfortable last year, i don't think i would be ready for this next fall. He knew what He was doing :) He has been preparing me and i am sure all this is just a sliver of what He has in mind.

From some random speaker...
"We are usually in three stages: in a trial, just getting out of a trial, or walking into one."

If i trust Jesus, no matter what stage i am in, i really should have nothing to worry about. I cannot trust my plans. I need to trust Him. There are going to be so many turns coming up that i will not expect, but i can expect my Jesus to be there with me. And knowing that, i am ready to take this next season on. 

a side nobody sees...

Right now its snowy and it's coming down like crazy. I am sitting in a super ugly tan leather chair under the brightest light ever, people watching and enjoying the white speckles outside. Of course im listening to Frank Sinatra on pandora; it's just that kind of day.

This week is not extraordinary: it may be me least favorite week. I do not enjoy classes because there is this thing called mid-terms. Forget learning, i have to memorize so much in order to pass the class. That's why i don't like tests cause i don't learn anything or soak up things. Whatever, it's almost done. 

So this post is due to several people making me think yet again about life. Because of my dear friend's post and some frustrating conversations with others, I was able to come to the conclusion that people here in Chicago, do not really know me. 

Well duh Ashlyn, you haven't even lived here for a year, so there hasn't been enough time for people to get to know you. 

Well yes, so true, and yet...

there are some sides of me that most people will never, or rarely, see here while i am at college. I would say that i am Me here- i really haven't struggled with covering up my personality or trying to be someone i am not. 

But in that...

i have only been able to tap into some sides of Me while other sides of Me are left in the attic, collecting dust. 

I love love love Chicago, the city atmosphere is just so amazing and at times (like all the time) i feel like i am in some movie. It's surreal to walk down busy streets, be surrounded by all different types of brick buildings, and smell chocolate twirling through the air. But this city is not my home. It's not my natural environment. It's not my familiar comfort. It's foreign. It's fun, new, fresh, but it's not my safe place. 

Here people don't see my ADVENTUROUS side, my FAMILY side, or my DETERMINED (strong-willed) side. At times i feel boxed in here, put in this bubble with everyone else who is fighting to find their identity in Christ and be their own person. There seems to be no room to just be. Just be Me. 

Do we (even I) actually take the time to get to know each person i have a conversation with or do i place them in a box labeling them as just another "Moody Student" or "They have had a hard life so I can't relate" just a thought...anyway...

My ADVENTUROUS side has not been tapped into in quite awhile. I am just so busy here and if i get a break to relax, it's only for a day and usually i am too tired to go do anything fun. But put me in California and my adventurous side comes out. Road trips, late night trips to get special donuts across town, trips to the beach for a day, paint wars, biking all day, rollerblading in stores. I really cherish each moment i got to do those spontaneous things. But even in Fresno, i still have a hard time tapping into that side. 

The mountains though...oh man. I instantly become a kid again, pure joy, endless energy, and spontaneity tap into me. To be surrounded by tall trees, fresh air, ducks, a lake, dirt gives me unofficial permission to be adventurous. I LOVE hiking, off-roading, camping, boating, and building forts in the forest. It fills me up completely. Moving away from Hume made me sacrifice being able to tap into my ADVENTUROUS side whenever i wanted, and you know, i am ok with that, but i do miss it. Living in the midwest now has placed me in a state where i am the farthest away from mountains. So to those who never see my spontaneous, fun, energetic side, simply take me to the mountains. 

My FAMILY side. Oh boy. no one sees this side here on campus. My family is such a huge part of my life. Like i choose to be with them whenever i get a chance. (Most of my christmas break was spent with them.) Back in high school, whenever i brought friends home, it was amazing. They got to see a taste of my life everyday and i loved sharing it. Family dinner was the best, but then epic games came after and of course so many laughs filled the night. My family is all very different and our dynamics really makes me love being a part of it, and i love bringing people into that world. When i am with my family, i think that's when i am the most real, most chill, most quirky, most me. But being here, no one fully understands the extent of what i mean when i say "Oh yea im close with my family." Everyone defines being close to their family very differently which is fine but i wish people who i am getting to know here could understand that side of me. So to those who don't know my family side, simply fly home with me and let me introduce to you one of the best things in my life. 

My DETERMINED side for some reason has not followed me here, and i have no idea why it's back home. By determined i mean my strong-willed, independent nature that got me into trouble during my childhood. Although i care for what others needs and wants are, i almost always have an opinion. One of my least favorite questions is "so what do you want to do?" no because i'm indecisive but because in that minute all i want to do is make sure that my friend's needs are going to be met. i already have my opinion but i hate tapping into it until i know my friend is content. Well i have been doing better at "making decisions" and confidently choosing something when someone asks me. Ok i totally went on a tangent, back on track. Back home, one of my major attributes i am known well by are my opinions. My mom always stated, "well we always know where Ashlyn stands." That's because i verbalized everything that was in my head to let people know where i was at. (whether it was smart to or not, whether people wanted to hear it or not). My determined side is my confidence, it's a huge part of who i am. 

Because i have been boxed in here, i feel squeezed i think and thus this side i am so used to seeing, has been stashed into the attic. i miss it. So to those who don't know my determined side, simply don't box me in. I guess that sounds mean...i think i am just drained and miss my sides that just aren't being seen here in Chicago. 

I'm so ready for Spring Break. In two weeks, my FAMILY side will be coming out and in three weeks my ADVENTUROUS side will be also, which i am sure will naturally drag out my DETERMINED side. I need a fill up. Yes, a fill up, then my time here will be more enjoyed and i will be ok not seeing those sides for a bit again. 

What sides have you not been able to tap into? I have been asking people that question here and i love hearing people process through it. I long to get to know people here, truly get to know them, all their sides if possible. Isn't that living life with them? Why box in certain aspects of people? It makes life boring. 

grace...

it's super fantastic that i go to a school i absolutely love and are in classes that have impacted me in so many areas of my life. i read this the other day and really, really loved it. Sometimes i am unable to articulate thoughts and emotions, beliefs, memories. Lucky for us, we have great writers in this world who are able to capture what we cannot at times.

This is my life. This is what i constantly fall into.

"Sooner or later we are confronted with the painful truth of our inadequacy and insufficiency. Our security is shattered and our bootstraps are cut. 
Once the fervor (intense and passionate feeling) has passed, weakness and infidelity appear. 
We discover our inability to even add a single inch to our spiritual stature. 
There begins a long winter of discontent that eventually flowers into gloom, pessimism, and subtle despair-subtle because it goes unrecognized, unnoticed, and therefore unchallenged. It takes the form of boredom, drudgery. We are overcome by the ordinariness of life, by daily duties done over and over again. We secretly admit that the call of Jesus is just too demanding, that surrender to the Spirit is beyond our reach. We start acting like everyone else. Life takes a joyless, empty quality...our huffing and puffing to impress God, our scrambling for brownie points, our thrashing about trying to fix ourselves while hiding our pettiness and wallowing in guilt are nauseating to God and and are a flat out denial of the Gospel of grace." -Brennan Manning 

I laughed after i read that thinking "that is so me." 

The author also captured an aspect of Grace i had never thought about before, which was super challenging. 

"Grace strikes us when we are in great pain and restlessness. It strikes us when we walk through the dark valley of a meaningless and empty life...It strikes us when, year after year, the longed-for perfection does not appear, when the old compulsions reign within us as they have for decades, when despair destroys all joy and courage. Sometimes in that moment a wave of light breaks into our darkness, and it is as though a verse were saying, "You are accepted. You are accepted, accepted by that which is greater than you, and the name of which you do not know. Do not ask for the name now; perhaps you will find it later. Do not try to do anything now; perhaps later you will do much. Do not seek for anything, do not perform anything, do not intend anything. Simply accept the fact that you are accepted." If that happens to us, we experience grace." -Paul Tillich

being present...

It is interesting how challenging a distant tragedy can be. I did not expect my heart to be stretched and hit with simple truths because of this. 

On Saturday, a Moody student passed away. 

I did not know him, so it did not immediately affect me. But his memorial service was this morning and man it was moving, challenging, and joyful. 

A thought dawned on me. It is times like these where, in a moment, knowledge transitions to understanding.

My days are numbered.

They are already planned out.

The creator of this universe knows EXACTLY the when, where, why, and how to my death here on Earth.

And yet...

I continue to live my life as if i have all the time in the world.

I rush past moments quickly in order to see the memory behind me.

And although it is nice to see how far i have come in life, i get sucked into the then and will soon be...forgetting that there is the now. The present.

This student was blessed with 18 years. To many, that is a short life. But his time here was complete. God used him and although he is no longer here on earth, God is continuing to use him. Whether i live to be 19 and 364 days or 99 years old, my perspective has got to change.

my life is in God's hands. my life. everything. i can't even fathom that. He has COMPLETE control and power over everything...including my life. The Almighty God has had my "end date" written down before i was in existence giving me full assurance that He knows what He is doing.

but i don't seem to be living in that truth...

I should not care when i die. but i do... i busy my life because i only have one life to live and i forget that if im obedient God will use me to my fullest. but i find myself telling God that i'm not done with serving people here on earth so i just have to live till im old. but His mission does not just consist of Team Solo Ashlyn. i am not the main part of His plan- i am simply one of many who is being used by Him. and that is such an incredible gift. but my concern should not be the "whens" of God's Plan in my life. it should be focused on doing everything i can to better the kingdom with the time he has given me.

I need to be present. present

Micah's time here at Moody was limited, but in that short time, he impacted many people, challenged them, encouraged them. Have i been doing all that i can to love those around me?

I overcomplicate life i think. Micah lived in love and it was evident to those around him. Love does not have to be complex. So what are the little things i am doing throughout my day to lift everything up to Jesus in gratitude for another day here on earth? Each day is another opportunity to love. am i doing that? or am i making plans to love people?

be present. take each day as it comes.
application. that is the next step for me.

too intense i guess...

who would have thought that what i love, would be turned against me?
who would have thought that who i am, would also become a hindrance? 
who would have thought that even there are bumps within bumps in a journey?

it's kind of funny how areas of growth i have been working through personally all year have become many reasons behind opportunities that are closed off to me. God has been working on me SO much in many areas of my life, but it's interesting how, just because i have identified some areas of growth and have actively taken steps at working towards being refined, i still am running into halting walls where i am unable to obtain the opportunities on the other side.

i walked onto campus this year excited for a fresh start, unable to see beyond my circumstances. and once again nothing went to plan. i ended up needing two jobs (instead of one), i ended up being in classes that someone else has signed me up for, and my new friends i had been looking forward to, didn't come into my life after two weeks (did Jesus forget to tell my new friends (who i hadn't met yet) that i was on campus ready to meet them? haha). i didn't even expect to bring some unresolved situations from home over here to chicago. my struggle to be present yet deal with my circumstances was a daily battle. but all those things were just a knick in my tidied up plans.

the one huge shocker that caught me from under my feet and left me speechless, was the fact that i had successfully scared away my roommate. 

That's right. scared away.

Within one week, i had severed any and all bonds between me and the new girl living with me that would have made friendship possible.

How was it that what i loved to do most (love people, get to know who they are, and all that deep stuff) bit me in the face and slapped my heart around a a few times? who would have thought that what i love would be turned against me?


how did i let this happen? was it just because we were two different people? was it because she just was a mean person? i spent most of last semester struggling through so many questions, rustling with God. Why would he allow my very own passion to eat at me? how much longer could i handle the akward silence, the tension, the unspoken thoughts that appeared on our faces?

God really stripped me last semester in what it meant to let go, let go of the fact that i don't have to be liked by every single person, let go of the fact that i can't please everyone in my life.

long story short: God restored and redeemed the relationship between me and my roommate. what a blessing she is to me, even in the hard season last semester, i have been challenged and strengthened in so many ways. (but this post is not about her, so i need to move on)

I have always been told that I am not a very surfacey person. I really have a hard time keeping small talk. I am just so much more interested in the person's heart rather than what they ate for dinner. Soon after i observed that my roommate may have been scared off by me, i started to process through the "whys". I soon figured out it's because of my deep passion to love people with everything that i am, i forget not everyone is wired the same way. Quickly, i saw that students here handle relationships in many different ways and at first i truly thought they were all wrong. (But we are all learning what it even means to be a friend. So that thought diminished from my prideful mind.) I finally observed that i am, simply put, a very intense person. and that means i don't do well at easing into things or at slowly becoming friends with someone. who would have thought that who i am, would also become a hindrance? Without knowing it, i was steering people away. After talking to my mentors, i decided it was about time to work through it.

and what a journey it has and still continues to be in this season. what did i get myself into? oh right, this is just another way to draw closer to Jesus and grow in who He created me to be.

yesterday, i took the opportunity to sit down with a Moody Staff member and talk over the reasoning behind not getting into the RA program i had wanted so much to be a part of. It was hard to walk into a conversation not knowing what would be said while trying to maintain a teachable spirit. It was a very good but hard conversation to have. I am still processing through some frustrations, but i do see that it really was not what God has in store for me next year. And because that fact is evident, i have given myself the freedom to work through the emotions that come with being rejected from a super awesome program. 

the reason i did not make it in was because: my personality and passions  were too intense. after a whole semester of trying to ease off, to be told that the reason i did not make it in was the one thing i had already been working on, man that hit so hard. who would have thought that even there are bumps within bumps in a journey? The two areas i was encouraged to grow in (were my weaknesses that i had listed in the application): my inability to be flexible all the time and my overbearing desire for deep relationships. I could have easily written down other weaknesses of mine. And i wonder...would the results have been different? I could have put that i am sometimes messy or that i get quiet when i am stressed out. It is hard to acknowledge the fact that the struggles i shared honestly, were ones i was actively working through, and those struggles, were what disqualified me. 

As i said earlier, it was not in God's agenda for me, and i do trust He is doing Good in my life, but it's just not fun to run into more bumps in the road as i am already working through some bumps personally in my life. 


I have an interview tomorrow for another program. I will be ok if i don't make it in. But my confidence in the interview itself has completely diminished. How will i balance who i am in a professional way and yet be completely genuine and honest?

dwelling...

tradition, home, consistency, -basically my words that i can't shut up about. last year was a full year. a good year. but not a traditional, homey, or consistent year. Jesus stripped me away from comfort and plans and it messed with me. but i am so thankful for it all. my word for last year might as well be trust. and even though i am still learning what trusting Him means, i may have a new word.

dwell. dwelling in the Lord. what does that even mean? instantly, words like resting, enjoying, soaking up, being held come to mind...comfort words. So even though many aspects of my life was stripped of comfort, i have a Lord of Comfort beside me who i get the opportunity to know personally; who is consistent, unchanging, home. He is the very essence of the words that i can't stop talking/blogging about and yet my focus is not on him. I seek it elsewhere. because i am human. Because Satan knows my faults and sin issues and nudges me a bit in the Perspective area. It's amazing how one little shift in perspective can completely take the focus off of the only Worthy thing in life and make me trip on my feet of pride and desire for control because my eyes are solely on myself.

i am beginning to work through something i have been processing through for almost a year now and Jesus graced in answering some prayers that have helped me walk in the direction of being healed. although this circumstance has had closure, but my heart has not. 

so how to i "let go"? what is the next step? 

to dwell. to rest in Jesus. that would mean me, ashlyn, would have to not plan, not try to control....i have no idea the first thing about letting something go. it's so funny to see God place me in the very place that is complete opposite of who i am.  

what i have learned though, is that i can't be focused on the fact that "letting go" of something will take time (a long time), or that the answer is not found in a step by step plan. i just need to dwell. it's as simple as that...yet as complicated as i am making it...because i have really no idea what dwelling looks like. but it's a new year...another year to figure Jesus out more :) may this one be full of Him again. whether my word ends up being "dwell" or whatever else, i am ready to learn, grow, and fall in His gracious arms daily. 

it's still home...

I am home now. Home. Surrounded by people who love me. Whom i love. I was a bit nervous coming home because so much change has happened both in my heart and back in Fresno. Nothing is the same as i left it back in August. There are even new buildings and new people living in my house. The moment i walked out to meet my family at the airport, i felt pure contentment. It honestly felt like it had only been days since i had last seen them. I mean, i missed them a whole lot, but i did not get one feeling of "something is missing". Fresno is still home. Despite all the change.

I really love Chicago, I love Moody, it's so exciting to live there, but Fresno is still my familiar safe place. It feels SO good to be back. Already, i have rested, had some much needed conversations, and just feel at home. This break was so needed. I am soaking up each and every moment. Not sure when i will get a chance to look back over my whole year and reminisce. Off the bat, i know this was a SUPER growing year. It will be interesting to see what really stuck out to me and gets me excited to see what Jesus has in store for me next year. So there is an update. My heart is happy.