stars...

i don't remember the last time i looked up in the night sky and saw stars...

oh yea, 4 months ago. has it really been that long? i remember so many nights back home mesmerized by such beauty.

tonight i saw one. just one. thank you Jesus. gives me a taste of what's to come in a week.

i miss my stars.

my coffee shop...

i miss my coffee shop. 

my small town coffee shop. 

the coffee shop that makes me feel like i'm in a scene of Gilmore Girls. 

the coffee shop i spent hours at soaking up the sunshine and enjoying life. 

so many conversations. so many coffee dates. so much laughter. so many reunions. so many "me and Jesus time" mornings. so many Snickerdoodle drinks and way too many warm cookies. I feel like every inch of the coffee shop has a memory attached to it. this place has grown to become one of my happy, safe places ever.

i feel like even years later, i will still come back to it. sit in my spot. and just be.  


i am going to have a hard time not spending every single day there when i come home. To be able to people watch at my table, while journaling, Bible open, music in the distance.


I really hate the smell of coffee but this place is the only exception that i completely embrace and love.

everyone needs a coffee shop. their spot. their memories. their safe place.

a specific reaction...

It really takes me by surprise (...as does most people) when I get a response I was not expecting.

Maybe the root of all this is that i just don't feel cared for or loved in the moment i desire affirmation.

There have been moments recently where i've learned of some frustrating news and when i bring it up to people, it gets brushed off like it's no big deal. Then there are moments where i get super excited about something, and all i get is a half smile but no response. I am not asking people to come up with some fake, "always agree with Ashlyn" response, but it really does make me miss those back home who, because they have embraced me and love me completely, will come alongside me no matter what i am going to say. Ask my siblings, they have firsthand accounts of all the ridiculously boring things i have to say, or the super funny (but only Ashlyn funny) jokes i make, or the 10 minute venting blowup in the car. But at the end of it all...

I am loved.

Here at school...i think because its only been a few months, we don't value someone as much as we could years from now.

I am looking for that specific reaction. That reaction where there is a specific look of "I love you" no matter what comes out of my mouth. That specific reaction where no matter how they respond or what sarcastic remark they have, i have no doubt that they love me for me. My sister  may not agree with most things that i do. And my brother may roll my eyes when i get excited over something that no one else cares about. And Sean may give that certain "that was stupid, but i love you" laugh for me. They may all have different reactions to me, but they love me. They love me.

At the end of the day, i don't really care for affirmation from whatever i have said. But i really desire to be affirmed in who i am, as a person, fully loved no matter what. If i know that i am loved...i will not surprised by different reactions.

Here in Chicago, because everything is on a more surface level with everyone...if i get a certain reaction i was not expecting; doubt, insecurity, and feelings of inadequacy topple me over. I feel misunderstood. I feel like i ruined a "bonding" moment.

And i just don't like that...

We all long to be affirmed in life. And i know that ultimately our security needs to be in Jesus. I am just thankful for the people back home who are there for me though, so when i am in seasons of my life where there aren't people right next to me who truly get me...i know i have people back home. And i need to be content with that as i wait for friendships to deepen here at school.

wow and there you have it...what used to be a quick "man why wasn't their reaction all excited like mine was?" thought, has become another blog post and shows an excerpt into what is going on in my heart.

it's a VCR...

The last three weeks have been rigorous. Tests. Projects. Christmas-season customers. Driving in the city. A friend's visit from CA. Job position rejection. Windy coldness. Roommate bonding. Anticipation for going home. A couple tears here and there. Constant going.

I really haven't had a moment to breath and rest...well until now. I have specifically taken today off. To breath. To sit and people watch, listen to Ben Howard on pandora, blog, and look at christmas lights.

There's an anxiety in me right now. It may be anticipation not for the "what if's" but the "whens and hows" of some things. Even though this week was crazy, there were periods of the day where i had time to myself (in a way), sitting on the train, laying down during my physical therapist appointment, or walking down the streets. It's amazing that whatever my surrounding was, my thoughts drifted.

When i was walking down the street, or sitting on the train, I kept catching myself smiling and laughing randomly to myself, which is kind of creepy because i was not having a conversation with anyone at all. It's like i was in my own little world all week. This usually doesn't happen. So weird.

When i was in my PT appointment (which was a 3hr session), all i was able to do was stare at the ceiling, count the squares, and think. I couldn't move. I couldn't plug in headphones to listen to music. All i had was my thoughts to entertain me for hours.

And so this week, i began to play "my life" over and over again in my head. Like a VCR. I began to pick one memory, one story, or one conversation, and then play it over and over again. Holding on to each detail. Rewinding it. Replaying it. Repeating it.

Come on seriously...
I was doing so well not planning every minute of my life...but i guess i just went to the opposite side of the spectrum. I began looking back. Backtracking to the past.

I feel like im walking through the longest tv episode ever (of my life). When will it end? I thought i learned what God was trying to teach me. I thought that once i had had my "lightbulb moment", i could move onto to a new episode of my life and have God teach me new things. But my circumstances have not changed.

My heart has changed though. (but not my feelings in certain areas) And my perspective has shifted as well. But my circumstances have not. so what now? i feel like i am walking in circles again. learning more and more yes, but im in circles. and i don't like that.

I think i expected to move forward. I guess i have in a way... Moving forward may have to do with my heart and not my circumstances. But then why am i turning my life into a VCR? constantly rewinding the same old things?

I really don't know where i am going with this. But i have this time to just breath and write. so i am.

The picture: a good reminder for me. How do i move forward without planning every inch of my life while also embracing the past without rewinding it repeatedly? Guess the answer is Jesus. I will continue to seek. Cause i just don't know.

the people in the events...

Throughout this fall i have grown to appreciate, to be thankful, for the season of life that i am in. It has actually been pretty refreshing to come to a place in life where i can say "Thank you Jesus for this (insert certain thing from my life)" I am even at a place where i can say that i would not change anything that has happened this year (except maybe for a redo in my attitude and perspective department). Why would i want to change ALL that God has been doing in my heart?...

Two days ago was yet another Thanksgiving. Basically another term for a normal hangout, with people i love, with extra food. Of course this is the time to verbalize what we are thankful for. I don't find it hard to be thankful for things. Like trees, Jamba Juice, family. The general.

But... a couple days ago, i found myself struggling to respond to several messages i received on Thanksgiving. The notes i got from some of these friends were so thoughtful, sweet, and super encouraging but i hesitated when writing a response. Why was i not feeling natural to do what i usually love to do? (encourage people) Was it because it was a "forced thankfulness day" and everyone was doing it, so i should too?

Looking back over this last year, i am super thankful for the good AND the hard. 

The good and hard EVENTS

but..not the PEOPLE in the good and hard EVENTS

The EVENTS that have happened this year have involved some major changes, halts, and rollercoaster days. But I don't have any bitterness, anger, or sadness with any of what has been going on in my life.

The PEOPLE who have come in and out of my life this year all have challenged me, have been a constant support, an encouragement and kept me accountable. God has used each person in my life for as a specific opportunity for me to learn and grow more in Him. I have been hurt though (as has everyone), and for some reason, those feelings seep in quite a bit.

This has been yet another year of hard and frustrating redirections with old friendships, new relationships, and a continuation of seasonal friendships. 

As i mentioned before, the messages i received were from people I dearly love, but i was overcome with emotion and, what appeared to be, unresolved issues in my heart. 

What a bizarre thing to recognize in myself! I LOVE people. LOVE them. And yet, what i love the most has often times been one of my hugest struggles.

The PEOPLE in the EVENTS play a pivotal part in this thing we call life. I need to come to a place where i am thankful not only for the things that have happened/not happened in my life, but also for the people who are in the midst of those as well.

I guess i have been picky with thankfulness. I toss around the idea of gratitude and then block out certain aspects of it. What does it really mean to be thankful for everything? everyone? something to work through.

storm of blessings...

I feel like God has drenched me with a storm of blessings. By that i mean, that in the midst of some unfun things, messed up plans, and stressful classes, i am learning to trust the Lord more and resting in his Grace which has been phenomenal, BUT ALSO...He is blessing me in simple, practical, everyday ways. Thats why i call it a storm of blessings. I seriously am so overwhelmed. He is showing me in little ways that He is FOR me and is GOOD even when my circumstances say otherwise.

A couple weeks ago I updated my status to share with the world that i finally got my first hard-earned 100% on a super hard map test. I was so excited and as a joke i slipped in my obsession of Jamba Juice, but then continued on with my day thinking nothing of it.

Today, i received my 6th Jamba giftcard. Yes six. People took the time to bless in me. like seriously?!?! So so so grateful. I mean. God is so good. The blessings keep coming. Not only did i get those giftcards but sweet encouraging letters from some people i had lost contact with. Not only was i blessed with all of this, but next week my old roomie is coming to see me, two weeks later my parents are flying out to be with me, solid friendships are beginning develop, i got to experience my first city snow..and that's just a few, a few of the blessings i have been drenched with.

i am just so loved. so loved. so grateful. so thankful. what an encouragement and challenge for me to reach out and continue to love people in the small ways.


That is all for today. Just wanted to put it in the records that i am so beyond blown away by God's grace with me in this storm of blessings that i have the privilege to be in.

heart update...

I love asking the question, "How's your heart?" to my dorm room neighbors. And have yet to actually get an answer from some of them haha. Actually, that is a really hard question to ask ourselves sometimes. How is your heart? This question forces me to stop and walk into a place that may not be pleasant. At times my heart is really not pure and it's embarrassing to look at it. At times my heart is full of joy and its so hard to put to words what God is doing in my life. At times my heart is anxious, numb, or even desiring to fill a void. It is scary to check the heart. Cause whatever is inside will eventually come out in my words, facial expressions and i am surrounded by people who will see this. If good and happiness comes out, well awesome. But if the compressed pain, frustration, or unresolved bitterness comes out at any given moment...well i have not made the world a happier place have i? Now i am not saying that feeling these "bad" feelings is terrible...but i think that i run from whats going on in my heart. I fear what the wrestling feeling means. I fear how my obedience to Christ may cause me to sacrifice the comfort and routine of my life.

So how is my heart today?

Maybe i have forgotten how to answer that question...i mean i don't have my mom next to me asking me when i wake up in the morning, or when i am coming home from work. Now it is my turn to ask this myself. Really how am i doing? Am i busying my life so i don't have to face my heart? Or am i embracing it? Maybe i am numb. I think i have begun to categorize my life as a check off list. Family back home. Dealing with unresolved situations. School. Work. Trying to make friends. Maintaing friendships back home. And as long as those are all good. im good. 

Or am i?

For my achiever side:

I have identified the season of life i am in. The Unknown. And i am ok with it.

I have realized struggles i have and am working through them slowly. 

I am trying to be present with where i am at and who all surrounds me. Choosing joy.

I am applying all that i am learning in class. Experiencing Christ actively working around me.

So i really have managed to take active steps in asking if i am ok. I am in routine. But what is missing...why does my heart continue to feel down? 

The speaker in chapel made a statement that basically was a friendly slap to my face. 

She talked about Interruptions. (A Planner's favorite thing in life)

"Quit focusing on the plan that hasn't worked. Embrace the opportunity that is before you. You will miss the opportunities if you are focused on God's redirecting of your plan."

I have been doing that...so all that to say. My heart is having trouble letting go. Not letting go of control but more of some good things no longer in my life anymore. Maybe thats why my heart is not doing superb. Just maybe.