too intense i guess...

who would have thought that what i love, would be turned against me?
who would have thought that who i am, would also become a hindrance? 
who would have thought that even there are bumps within bumps in a journey?

it's kind of funny how areas of growth i have been working through personally all year have become many reasons behind opportunities that are closed off to me. God has been working on me SO much in many areas of my life, but it's interesting how, just because i have identified some areas of growth and have actively taken steps at working towards being refined, i still am running into halting walls where i am unable to obtain the opportunities on the other side.

i walked onto campus this year excited for a fresh start, unable to see beyond my circumstances. and once again nothing went to plan. i ended up needing two jobs (instead of one), i ended up being in classes that someone else has signed me up for, and my new friends i had been looking forward to, didn't come into my life after two weeks (did Jesus forget to tell my new friends (who i hadn't met yet) that i was on campus ready to meet them? haha). i didn't even expect to bring some unresolved situations from home over here to chicago. my struggle to be present yet deal with my circumstances was a daily battle. but all those things were just a knick in my tidied up plans.

the one huge shocker that caught me from under my feet and left me speechless, was the fact that i had successfully scared away my roommate. 

That's right. scared away.

Within one week, i had severed any and all bonds between me and the new girl living with me that would have made friendship possible.

How was it that what i loved to do most (love people, get to know who they are, and all that deep stuff) bit me in the face and slapped my heart around a a few times? who would have thought that what i love would be turned against me?


how did i let this happen? was it just because we were two different people? was it because she just was a mean person? i spent most of last semester struggling through so many questions, rustling with God. Why would he allow my very own passion to eat at me? how much longer could i handle the akward silence, the tension, the unspoken thoughts that appeared on our faces?

God really stripped me last semester in what it meant to let go, let go of the fact that i don't have to be liked by every single person, let go of the fact that i can't please everyone in my life.

long story short: God restored and redeemed the relationship between me and my roommate. what a blessing she is to me, even in the hard season last semester, i have been challenged and strengthened in so many ways. (but this post is not about her, so i need to move on)

I have always been told that I am not a very surfacey person. I really have a hard time keeping small talk. I am just so much more interested in the person's heart rather than what they ate for dinner. Soon after i observed that my roommate may have been scared off by me, i started to process through the "whys". I soon figured out it's because of my deep passion to love people with everything that i am, i forget not everyone is wired the same way. Quickly, i saw that students here handle relationships in many different ways and at first i truly thought they were all wrong. (But we are all learning what it even means to be a friend. So that thought diminished from my prideful mind.) I finally observed that i am, simply put, a very intense person. and that means i don't do well at easing into things or at slowly becoming friends with someone. who would have thought that who i am, would also become a hindrance? Without knowing it, i was steering people away. After talking to my mentors, i decided it was about time to work through it.

and what a journey it has and still continues to be in this season. what did i get myself into? oh right, this is just another way to draw closer to Jesus and grow in who He created me to be.

yesterday, i took the opportunity to sit down with a Moody Staff member and talk over the reasoning behind not getting into the RA program i had wanted so much to be a part of. It was hard to walk into a conversation not knowing what would be said while trying to maintain a teachable spirit. It was a very good but hard conversation to have. I am still processing through some frustrations, but i do see that it really was not what God has in store for me next year. And because that fact is evident, i have given myself the freedom to work through the emotions that come with being rejected from a super awesome program. 

the reason i did not make it in was because: my personality and passions  were too intense. after a whole semester of trying to ease off, to be told that the reason i did not make it in was the one thing i had already been working on, man that hit so hard. who would have thought that even there are bumps within bumps in a journey? The two areas i was encouraged to grow in (were my weaknesses that i had listed in the application): my inability to be flexible all the time and my overbearing desire for deep relationships. I could have easily written down other weaknesses of mine. And i wonder...would the results have been different? I could have put that i am sometimes messy or that i get quiet when i am stressed out. It is hard to acknowledge the fact that the struggles i shared honestly, were ones i was actively working through, and those struggles, were what disqualified me. 

As i said earlier, it was not in God's agenda for me, and i do trust He is doing Good in my life, but it's just not fun to run into more bumps in the road as i am already working through some bumps personally in my life. 


I have an interview tomorrow for another program. I will be ok if i don't make it in. But my confidence in the interview itself has completely diminished. How will i balance who i am in a professional way and yet be completely genuine and honest?

dwelling...

tradition, home, consistency, -basically my words that i can't shut up about. last year was a full year. a good year. but not a traditional, homey, or consistent year. Jesus stripped me away from comfort and plans and it messed with me. but i am so thankful for it all. my word for last year might as well be trust. and even though i am still learning what trusting Him means, i may have a new word.

dwell. dwelling in the Lord. what does that even mean? instantly, words like resting, enjoying, soaking up, being held come to mind...comfort words. So even though many aspects of my life was stripped of comfort, i have a Lord of Comfort beside me who i get the opportunity to know personally; who is consistent, unchanging, home. He is the very essence of the words that i can't stop talking/blogging about and yet my focus is not on him. I seek it elsewhere. because i am human. Because Satan knows my faults and sin issues and nudges me a bit in the Perspective area. It's amazing how one little shift in perspective can completely take the focus off of the only Worthy thing in life and make me trip on my feet of pride and desire for control because my eyes are solely on myself.

i am beginning to work through something i have been processing through for almost a year now and Jesus graced in answering some prayers that have helped me walk in the direction of being healed. although this circumstance has had closure, but my heart has not. 

so how to i "let go"? what is the next step? 

to dwell. to rest in Jesus. that would mean me, ashlyn, would have to not plan, not try to control....i have no idea the first thing about letting something go. it's so funny to see God place me in the very place that is complete opposite of who i am.  

what i have learned though, is that i can't be focused on the fact that "letting go" of something will take time (a long time), or that the answer is not found in a step by step plan. i just need to dwell. it's as simple as that...yet as complicated as i am making it...because i have really no idea what dwelling looks like. but it's a new year...another year to figure Jesus out more :) may this one be full of Him again. whether my word ends up being "dwell" or whatever else, i am ready to learn, grow, and fall in His gracious arms daily. 

it's still home...

I am home now. Home. Surrounded by people who love me. Whom i love. I was a bit nervous coming home because so much change has happened both in my heart and back in Fresno. Nothing is the same as i left it back in August. There are even new buildings and new people living in my house. The moment i walked out to meet my family at the airport, i felt pure contentment. It honestly felt like it had only been days since i had last seen them. I mean, i missed them a whole lot, but i did not get one feeling of "something is missing". Fresno is still home. Despite all the change.

I really love Chicago, I love Moody, it's so exciting to live there, but Fresno is still my familiar safe place. It feels SO good to be back. Already, i have rested, had some much needed conversations, and just feel at home. This break was so needed. I am soaking up each and every moment. Not sure when i will get a chance to look back over my whole year and reminisce. Off the bat, i know this was a SUPER growing year. It will be interesting to see what really stuck out to me and gets me excited to see what Jesus has in store for me next year. So there is an update. My heart is happy.

stars...

i don't remember the last time i looked up in the night sky and saw stars...

oh yea, 4 months ago. has it really been that long? i remember so many nights back home mesmerized by such beauty.

tonight i saw one. just one. thank you Jesus. gives me a taste of what's to come in a week.

i miss my stars.

my coffee shop...

i miss my coffee shop. 

my small town coffee shop. 

the coffee shop that makes me feel like i'm in a scene of Gilmore Girls. 

the coffee shop i spent hours at soaking up the sunshine and enjoying life. 

so many conversations. so many coffee dates. so much laughter. so many reunions. so many "me and Jesus time" mornings. so many Snickerdoodle drinks and way too many warm cookies. I feel like every inch of the coffee shop has a memory attached to it. this place has grown to become one of my happy, safe places ever.

i feel like even years later, i will still come back to it. sit in my spot. and just be.  


i am going to have a hard time not spending every single day there when i come home. To be able to people watch at my table, while journaling, Bible open, music in the distance.


I really hate the smell of coffee but this place is the only exception that i completely embrace and love.

everyone needs a coffee shop. their spot. their memories. their safe place.

a specific reaction...

It really takes me by surprise (...as does most people) when I get a response I was not expecting.

Maybe the root of all this is that i just don't feel cared for or loved in the moment i desire affirmation.

There have been moments recently where i've learned of some frustrating news and when i bring it up to people, it gets brushed off like it's no big deal. Then there are moments where i get super excited about something, and all i get is a half smile but no response. I am not asking people to come up with some fake, "always agree with Ashlyn" response, but it really does make me miss those back home who, because they have embraced me and love me completely, will come alongside me no matter what i am going to say. Ask my siblings, they have firsthand accounts of all the ridiculously boring things i have to say, or the super funny (but only Ashlyn funny) jokes i make, or the 10 minute venting blowup in the car. But at the end of it all...

I am loved.

Here at school...i think because its only been a few months, we don't value someone as much as we could years from now.

I am looking for that specific reaction. That reaction where there is a specific look of "I love you" no matter what comes out of my mouth. That specific reaction where no matter how they respond or what sarcastic remark they have, i have no doubt that they love me for me. My sister  may not agree with most things that i do. And my brother may roll my eyes when i get excited over something that no one else cares about. And Sean may give that certain "that was stupid, but i love you" laugh for me. They may all have different reactions to me, but they love me. They love me.

At the end of the day, i don't really care for affirmation from whatever i have said. But i really desire to be affirmed in who i am, as a person, fully loved no matter what. If i know that i am loved...i will not surprised by different reactions.

Here in Chicago, because everything is on a more surface level with everyone...if i get a certain reaction i was not expecting; doubt, insecurity, and feelings of inadequacy topple me over. I feel misunderstood. I feel like i ruined a "bonding" moment.

And i just don't like that...

We all long to be affirmed in life. And i know that ultimately our security needs to be in Jesus. I am just thankful for the people back home who are there for me though, so when i am in seasons of my life where there aren't people right next to me who truly get me...i know i have people back home. And i need to be content with that as i wait for friendships to deepen here at school.

wow and there you have it...what used to be a quick "man why wasn't their reaction all excited like mine was?" thought, has become another blog post and shows an excerpt into what is going on in my heart.

it's a VCR...

The last three weeks have been rigorous. Tests. Projects. Christmas-season customers. Driving in the city. A friend's visit from CA. Job position rejection. Windy coldness. Roommate bonding. Anticipation for going home. A couple tears here and there. Constant going.

I really haven't had a moment to breath and rest...well until now. I have specifically taken today off. To breath. To sit and people watch, listen to Ben Howard on pandora, blog, and look at christmas lights.

There's an anxiety in me right now. It may be anticipation not for the "what if's" but the "whens and hows" of some things. Even though this week was crazy, there were periods of the day where i had time to myself (in a way), sitting on the train, laying down during my physical therapist appointment, or walking down the streets. It's amazing that whatever my surrounding was, my thoughts drifted.

When i was walking down the street, or sitting on the train, I kept catching myself smiling and laughing randomly to myself, which is kind of creepy because i was not having a conversation with anyone at all. It's like i was in my own little world all week. This usually doesn't happen. So weird.

When i was in my PT appointment (which was a 3hr session), all i was able to do was stare at the ceiling, count the squares, and think. I couldn't move. I couldn't plug in headphones to listen to music. All i had was my thoughts to entertain me for hours.

And so this week, i began to play "my life" over and over again in my head. Like a VCR. I began to pick one memory, one story, or one conversation, and then play it over and over again. Holding on to each detail. Rewinding it. Replaying it. Repeating it.

Come on seriously...
I was doing so well not planning every minute of my life...but i guess i just went to the opposite side of the spectrum. I began looking back. Backtracking to the past.

I feel like im walking through the longest tv episode ever (of my life). When will it end? I thought i learned what God was trying to teach me. I thought that once i had had my "lightbulb moment", i could move onto to a new episode of my life and have God teach me new things. But my circumstances have not changed.

My heart has changed though. (but not my feelings in certain areas) And my perspective has shifted as well. But my circumstances have not. so what now? i feel like i am walking in circles again. learning more and more yes, but im in circles. and i don't like that.

I think i expected to move forward. I guess i have in a way... Moving forward may have to do with my heart and not my circumstances. But then why am i turning my life into a VCR? constantly rewinding the same old things?

I really don't know where i am going with this. But i have this time to just breath and write. so i am.

The picture: a good reminder for me. How do i move forward without planning every inch of my life while also embracing the past without rewinding it repeatedly? Guess the answer is Jesus. I will continue to seek. Cause i just don't know.