my joyful sis...

My sister is an inspiration. Like seriously. Looking over this past year and a half i have realized just how much she has gone through, and the amount of joy that she has covered herself with.

Last year she shattered her leg the day before vacation (vacation included horseback riding, which she had waited her whole life for). She was stuck in bed the whole time. Her injury entitled her to a surgery that halted all hopes of her traveling to Costa Rica with our church. Her summer resulted in major setbacks and crutches.

In all this...i saw her pull her Bible out more, start carrying out caring conversations with people, and never did i hear her complain. Not once. I truly felt proud to call her my sister then.

But now...now i am overwhelmed by her consistent joyful spirit as she pushed through countless trials. Her leg was just the beginning...

Some time later in the year, her friend group diminished. They left and man did it hurt me to see how unloving people can be. My sister is amazing, how could people just get up and leave like that? Within that, she jumped on board the "Year-long Medical" Train. After being diagnosed with HHT (blood disease that runs in our family) she began schooling online and completed her sophomore year of high school. All she had known, all the normal routines changed completely.

Not once did i hear her complain. Every time i would state how life was just so hard for me she would, in her sarcastic nature, simply tell me how i have nothing to complain about. She had every right to complain, but chose not to. She showed me that her strength was not coming from her but from Jesus and she blew my mind with her optimistic attitude.

Her season of struggle and hardship has seemed to endless but her joy and beauty has risen so high up. The fact that she can say "This is all in God's plan and i am learning a lot" in the midst of all this, astounds me. I usually come to this conclusion way after my hard moment and here she is soaking up each present moment knowing God has a plan for her.

I love my sister so much and am amazed by her talent to make everyone laugh, how her steady hand can paint perfectly straight lines, how her love for animals goes beyond my comprehension. She is precious to me.

i am saddened by the fact that it seems like God is stripping everything away from her. How could God allow her to go through hardships while nothing really terrible has ever happened to me in my life? It's hard to trust the Lord when i watch my amazing and beautiful sister have to go through these things.

I am seeing that God uses everything to teach, guide, challenge, and encourage. He has used her to show me what having a good perspective really means and how we should choose joy in everything.

life rollercoasters...

I get so annoyed with myself in times like this, it’s like im on a never-ending rollercoaster.

You see… I am a roller-coaster girl.  I love love going on them!! I could take long vacations to Disneyland just to ride California Screamin’. I usually describe my life as some sort of rollercoaster too (because I just love them so much!). Rollercoasters have both several ups and downs and I think you need both to make the journey worth it. BUT a 2-3 minute rollercoaster is very different than being on one for hours. Even I, get sick if I ride rollercoasters too long.

This summer has been one of those hour-long rollercoasters. I am sick and tired and just want to get off. I feel like my emotions keep going in loops and right as I get settled down another twist and turn comes my way. I can’t seem to get my feet on the ground. Right when I think i get a short break, i go on yet another loop.

I don’t think my sickness is because all my plans haven’t worked out this year.  (I feel like for a couple months now I’m starting to understand what trusting God means in the midst of chaos, and its been neat to see how much my perspective has changed.) I just think this rollercoaster has gone on way too long for my comfort. I think I am just ready for a new rollercoaster.

I know that God uses the uncomfortable to bring me closer to Him, but I am just ready to run into a new type of uncomfortable (like adjusting to a new city, meeting new people, going to a real school)

It’s been hard to choose joy this summer. My emotions have started to block out what God is doing in my life through the bad and the good. Walking into a new chapter of my life does not mean I am running from my struggles or people, but I want to be able to walk into a new season of life where I will continue to work on things but from a new standpoint.

I want to be able to miss my family, to miss my home here in Fresno. I want to have a fresh appreciation for all that I have and I feel like leaving for a bit will help with that.

In two weeks, this rollercoaster will end. I will be able to take a month break then jump onto a new one in Chicago. So how do I enjoy each moment here even when I feel so drained and sick? 

mammas' sayings...

My momma has many "Momma Sayings"

I have heard her say them my whole life.

They are simply snidbits of Truth bubbled up into catchy, easy sayings. 

Last night, i actually said one of her sayings to a friend. (i am sure i do this often without knowing it) After quoting a famous momma quote, it hit me...what did that quote really mean? I know that we all subconsciously pick up on little quirks/mannerisms/sayings from the people we are around most. But because we live in a fast-faced world, we usually don't pause to think about the things we pick up on, until someone tells us something like "Your sister does that too." I have picked up on many "Momma Sayings" without truly pausing and thinking about the deeper meaning. 

Of course my head started spinning back and forth right before i needed to go to bed. I hate it when i start thinking about awesome things and have to go to sleep. So i put the thought on pause and am now picking back up on it.

So... What are some little wisdom pieces i have held onto from my mom?

The top ones that come to mind: 

"How is your heart?"

"What is the root in all of this?"

"There is a reason behind each person's actions."

"Remember who you are and what you stand for."

"Remember to take your thoughts captive."

"Who is Jesus to you today?" 

"Have you spoken to the Lord about it?"

"How have you seen Jesus today?" 

I hear all of the above daily. I'm amazed by how much my mom desires for me to fall more in love with the God she calls her Powerful Lord. All of these questions/sayings force me to pause and take a look at where i am at in the moment. Usually i am high on emotion and don't want to stop to think. Sometimes i don't pause and give my mom the "robotic answer" that will make the conversation end faster. There i go being human haha. 

Remember to take your thoughts captive.

We have full control of what goes on in our mind. Our mind is the easiest place to linger and be consumed by both good and bad. It is a place where no one else sees. I feel like sin resides more in my head than in other areas of my life. One thought, just one, takes me down many rabbit holes and i find myself getting stuck. My first reaction is to not try. I forget that i have been given the power to have control over my thoughts. I give up and get lazy. I brush off sinful thoughts. (i mean if i never act on my thoughts its ok right....oh yea no...sin is sin) So what does it mean to take my thoughts captive. 

Captive does not mean set free, let roam. Captive means there are boundaries, restrictions. Do i have boundaries...on a good day yes like all people. But on a day where i feel alone, sad, i just let my mind wander carelessly. 

Something to think about. 

loyalty...

I need loyalty. Take away inside jokes. Take away thoughtfulness. Even take away deep conversation. But loyalty...no. This year i have been seeing how much i am driven by loyalty. When friendships and relationships come to a close, sure i will miss making memories but my heart is severed because "loyalty" is not supposed to have an end. Loyalty is the highest compliment i can give a friend because it is one of the most cherished things i hold onto. I have been shocked by how rare it is to find a loyal person.

I joke around that my loyalty kicks in whenever i first meet someone. I automatically sign my life away to that person subconsciously. I don't give myself the option of walking away. I assume i will be their friend no matter what and learn to become a better friend. But in that...i am constantly disappointed. Most people aren't driven by mere loyalty. We each have our own path and i don't think i have come to a place where i am ok not always being in someones life. I strive to keep in contact with everyone i meet and yes it is tiring....but i love it. 

For some people, loyalty is not something they think about. It may not come natural. I have run into many people throughout my life and they always leave me confused and distressed. But i need to remember that everyone is wired differently and if everyone were so completely loyal...we all would have too many friends. 

What i am learning is that although i deeply seek friends who are consistent and loyal, i have been blessed with many other people that are teaching me so much. Yes, i am struggling with loneliness this summer, but thank you Jesus...i have another month of being reminded that i need Him alone and should not cling to loyalty as much as i do now. 

Im ready to move. I am nervous...not for meeting new people but that i will continue to stay in this loyalty cycle ive let consume me. Loyalty is good. It's who i am. But its not everything. 

"best friend"....

So i am going through a James Bible Study with my momma and another lady. This week we had to list the blessings in our lives (to see visually God's blessing in the midst of hard seasons) As i was writing, i got to thinking...

Even though a huge struggle of mine has been to make and keep friendships, i am overwhelmed by how many loyal people have been there for me. I sometimes, actually a lot of the time, get consumed by one perspective and i forget to take a step back to see that i am very very blessed. Although most of the people that have come into my life have been seasonal friendships, there are four people that come to my mind who am i beyond blessed to know. 

An Ashlyn Fact: I hate the term "best friend". I cringe at the sound of it and basically wall up when i hear someone call me it. 

I have four best friends.

Wait did i just use a hated term...how hypocritical of me. And this is where i explain...

When i hear the term "best friend", all the failed friendships pile up and hit me in the face. Since i was wee little, i loved people, loved meeting new friends, loved finding fun ways to love them. And since i was wee little, i also signed my life away to every person i met. My loyalty has been both a refreshing and frustrating characteristic i have. It kicks in every time i extend my hand to meet someone. Over the years i have learned to train my thoughts from "We are going to be such great lifelong friends" to "It is great to meet this person, i will take each day as it comes, and be thankful for where is starts and ends (if it ends up being seasonal)" Anytime a friendship ends, my heart dies a little. And that is not me being dramatic. I feel torn and hurt. I cycle through all the memories and conversations. I question God on the "whys". My thoughts jump back and forth from "fine, i don't need people in my life" to "i will hold onto the friends i still have super, uncomfortably tight" (pretty much an extremist, i know) 

"Best friends" went from a happy, fun concept into an irritating, eye-rolling word. But here i am...19 years later and finally breaking free little by little. Thanks to 4 amazing friends of course. 

These four friends...have accepted me and all my weird quirks and been patient with me as i figured out how to not freak out when "best friends" was spoken to me. Yea, they made fun of me, and i think because of the jokes, slowly i became more apt to accepting it. 

These people, they are family, they are my close group of people who know me inside and out, they know my little mannerisms, they have taught me how to laugh when things don't go my way, they have made life fun, they have challenged me in every area (from dating boys to my walk with Christ), they have redefined "best friends"

I just need to call it what it is. They are my best friends. 

Not many people get to say they have two girls and two guys who support them and love them no matter what. Friendships in general have been quite a roller coaster for me. No i did not grow up being best friends with any of them. 

This One: started based on hatred 

This One: started based on meaningless inside jokes

This One: started because of of forced interactions

This One: started because my Hume-kid-awkwardness eventually wore off on him

After all these years these four friends...are still here. After everything. This is proof that first interactions, first several years, first memories...later become funny stories for strong and deep friendships.

my kiss...

I think i am going to just officially state this in my blog, to make it official haha.

I am saving my first kiss.

For many people who know me, this is a fact they have known for a long while. yes, i am basically being a nun, but with pretty awesome reasons i would say. Watch, im probably a naturally good kisser and am just super sweet to save it for one lucky man....ok not really. I could care less honestly haha. Anyway...i want to be able to tell my future husband that i waited for him and i am giving him the whole package. (you are welcome future husband... :D ) 

lets pause fore a moment. if making out with every boy that i went out with glorified God and was selfless, then i would make out all day long. believe me! But in reality...kissing is something special and not something that should be tossed around. after being in one relationship, i can safely say i don't think its impossible to save it for the right time. although it's not always easy, it is doable.  

so the right time....

which is when....?

As i previously mentioned, i said, "I am saving my first kiss." About a year ago, i would have added "...till my wedding day." at the end. But that has changed. say what??? Ashlyn, you are going back on your promise?! Shame on you! 

Uh well kinda...and no i didn't change it because i dated a boy. I started thinking about it and at the end of the day my main reason i chose to save my first kiss is to glorify and respect my future boyfriend who may or may not become my husband. 

Sure saving my first kiss for my wedding day would go above and beyond (and be super nun-like haha)....but i started to be motivated by "i will prove everyone who thinks i can't do it, wrong" thoughts. which is pretty lame. i am competitive and like to prove people wrong who don't believe in me...but relationships aren't card games.  So i am keeping it simple now.

I am saving my first kiss.

for when? i don't know.

but all i know is i will probably kiss my man before my wedding day....probably, hopefully. actually, i am not worried really about the "when" because i think i will be more focused on how i can love and serve and build him up...that's just how i am i guess. i really can't wait to kiss, but i will still wait.

I want to make sure any relationship i am in, is centered on Christ and if my man falls in love with who i am, then the kiss will be a fun bonus (of course this kiss will be happening later on, not in like the first month of dating or when we first say "i love you"...i guess when we both want to spend the rest of our lives together) 

so that is all...just wanted to give and update on my 19yr old unkissed self. 

just the beginning...

My plan is just the beginning.

My plans are usually awesome, epic, perfectly laid out. And what usually happens?

They burn up, get twisted, go in the opposite direction. I always joke around saying that i always have back up plans because my Plan A never goes smoothly. Yea i get frustrated, yea i get anxious, a bit annoyed for the inconvenience but i easily find a way to replan quickly.

I think its safe to say we all want to live a great life filled with happiness and love. The plans we create in our heads, or write out on paper are just the beginning....the beginning of something greater.

When i have a super good day, that usually means that my plans went perfect (which does happen but is rare)...and i give myself all the credit. But stop for a moment. Isn't God in control of everything? Yes we do have free will, we have choices, but ultimately if we love Jesus, we long to serve him. Anyways...isn't our perfect plans just God's way of allowing us to see a visual of who He is?

He is in every aspect of our lives. Even my own daily plans and routines.

This year..nothing has gone according to plan. Like...my dream plan would have placed me in Chicago my first year out of high school, getting involved in city life and meeting so many awesome people. My dream plan did not have room for me to think of the possibility that i'd be staying another year..at home...with no community...no classmates...no city.

I know i have blogged about this a bit...the whole "living here in Fresno another year was not what i expected" but in this post i want to focus on the fact that in the midst of both my failed and successful plans, God was there, and i was able to see a different side of Him revealed :)

Looking back over this year, i still don't get why i got involved in jr high ministry, why i fell in love with my job, why i met and dated an amazing guy only to have to say goodbye to all those things. So much happened this year not according to my plan that was super good and i sit back overwhelmed. God allowed things to be "ruined" in order for me to learn, grow, and seek Him more. But he did use my laid out plan of getting a job easily, forming a new community, and growing closer with my sister as a way to show that he is FOR me, that He is in everything.

So you see....my plan is just the beginning. No matter how awesome it is. No matter what the end results may be. At the end of the day, God uses those plans for His glory no matter what He allows (if he "ruins" or lets my plans work out). I am thankful that God's got everything under control because i still do not understand what "seasonal friendships" mean to this day and i still don't get why he sometimes doesn't give a clear direction to me because im such a planner. He knows this about me.

Good one God...you are teaching me about trust, beginning with my plans that end up in your hands no matter what.