Holy moly...72 days from now i will be in a new city, stepping into a new chapter of life. um im sorry what? I remember dreaming about growing up and moving away and now-this is real. This is actually going to happen. I have two more months of "normal". Two more months of the Chapter "the last 19yrs of my life." Not saying that within these last 19yrs, life has always been the same, normal, and easy. But basically, all that i have grown up learning and figuring out will all be put on the table and i will step in big kid shoes. These 19 years have prepared me for what i am about to walk into.
I am walking into the unknown.
I will be rooming with someone for longer than a summer
I will be building new relationships
I will start calling unfamiliar buildings, coffee shops, and brick houses my new home
Hume seems like an old life i lived. Once upon a time, the only thing i knew of that is now a distant fond memory. Fresno is beginning to look the same. Not many people get to say that they grew up in a magical world up in the mountains and then settled down in such a neat big-small town. Now here i am, 19yrs later ready to take on a new world. A new culture. A new chapter. in a city.
I am so excited but at the same time, scared out of my mind.
I am at peace though. I am content. I am sitting on the edge of my seat ready to turn the page into the next moment of my life in Chicago :)
Monday, May 28, 2012
Friday, May 11, 2012
trailed thinking...
Sometimes when i read the Bible i end up journaling in a rabbit-trail-sort-of-way. Although whatever i read was very good, sometimes God reveals something semi-random for me to think about. Today i read, Philippians 4:8-9
(8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. 9 What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.)
This is a verse i grew up learning but i decided to look with fresh perspective today. (yea i know, we are supposed to do that everyday but i actually did it for reals today) Fast forward to my rabbit trail.
Journal:
"I need to continue practicing. (v. 9..."seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you") It is a life of practice. That's what i got myself into when i started a relationship with the Creator. I will constantly fall short, never live up, almost make it but not quite. It feels so weird to write but honestly it is true. To be blunt we all are failures at life. It is a fact. But i believed the this fact in the wrong way and it took me down unhealthy and unnecessary paths. We were created in Christ- we aren't Christ though. He made us to need him. If we always measured up- life would get boring to be honest and we would not find God useful in our lives. The Old Testament is a clear example that we are human and can never be perfect. The Old Covenant law had so many rules that even i, the non-rebellious one, would totally mess up at. We desperately need Him. We can't do it on our own. I can't do it on my own. I NEED to embrace my mistakes because that is one of the most humbling times that i get to see visually how little i am and how i am nothing without God. Those mistakes i get down on myself so hard for are just another way that God is trying to teach me personally , I am not God. I can't control my life. I will constantly be disappointed. I will always feel some burden. So today it hit me. When i mess up. At the end of the day, it's not just another opportunity to grow but a fantastic time to recognize how small i am and how blessed i am to have a gracious Savior right by my side patient enough to allow me to find my identity in Him alone. Just a thought."
So basically that was my Jesus time today and i felt like i needed to share because of previous posts. Yes "failing" has been such a huge struggle for me in this last school year but i feel more at peace and encouraged the more my perspective is on Christ. I know i have quite a ways to go but i needed to write down my progress :)
(8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. 9 What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.)
This is a verse i grew up learning but i decided to look with fresh perspective today. (yea i know, we are supposed to do that everyday but i actually did it for reals today) Fast forward to my rabbit trail.
Journal:
"I need to continue practicing. (v. 9..."seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you") It is a life of practice. That's what i got myself into when i started a relationship with the Creator. I will constantly fall short, never live up, almost make it but not quite. It feels so weird to write but honestly it is true. To be blunt we all are failures at life. It is a fact. But i believed the this fact in the wrong way and it took me down unhealthy and unnecessary paths. We were created in Christ- we aren't Christ though. He made us to need him. If we always measured up- life would get boring to be honest and we would not find God useful in our lives. The Old Testament is a clear example that we are human and can never be perfect. The Old Covenant law had so many rules that even i, the non-rebellious one, would totally mess up at. We desperately need Him. We can't do it on our own. I can't do it on my own. I NEED to embrace my mistakes because that is one of the most humbling times that i get to see visually how little i am and how i am nothing without God. Those mistakes i get down on myself so hard for are just another way that God is trying to teach me personally , I am not God. I can't control my life. I will constantly be disappointed. I will always feel some burden. So today it hit me. When i mess up. At the end of the day, it's not just another opportunity to grow but a fantastic time to recognize how small i am and how blessed i am to have a gracious Savior right by my side patient enough to allow me to find my identity in Him alone. Just a thought."
So basically that was my Jesus time today and i felt like i needed to share because of previous posts. Yes "failing" has been such a huge struggle for me in this last school year but i feel more at peace and encouraged the more my perspective is on Christ. I know i have quite a ways to go but i needed to write down my progress :)
Monday, May 7, 2012
first year over...
My freshman year in college is complete. done. What a year. A year of surprises, struggles, and newness.
I am walking away from this year very thankful. God has been so patient with me as i work through what it means to really trust him. In the midst of this process, He has blessed me so much. Without this year, it would have not been hard to leave Fresno but now...Fresno is home. I have built myself a little community. I have been blessed with people like Mindy Spencer, Kim Feil and Cambria Spears who have poured into my life and challenged me in so many ways. My relationships with my family are so much stronger. I have jr. high girls that i call my own now. The friends i have made at Bath and Body Works are irreplaceable. And i still have Marcus :) This year has been so incredible and i wouldn't trade it for anything. But it also made me super excited for this coming fall. A new roommate, city, school-why yes that sounds nice!
I am walking away from this year very thankful. God has been so patient with me as i work through what it means to really trust him. In the midst of this process, He has blessed me so much. Without this year, it would have not been hard to leave Fresno but now...Fresno is home. I have built myself a little community. I have been blessed with people like Mindy Spencer, Kim Feil and Cambria Spears who have poured into my life and challenged me in so many ways. My relationships with my family are so much stronger. I have jr. high girls that i call my own now. The friends i have made at Bath and Body Works are irreplaceable. And i still have Marcus :) This year has been so incredible and i wouldn't trade it for anything. But it also made me super excited for this coming fall. A new roommate, city, school-why yes that sounds nice!
Friday, April 20, 2012
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
two more days...
(This song has been on my heart. I need to remember him in the midst of everything)
It has been now- 5 days-
five days since i received my third and last letter from Moody Bible.
The moment when, no matter the answer, i had to trust God.
It took five days. Five days now for me to actually start trusting what God was doing in my life despite my frustrations and confusion.
I got accepted into the school of my dreams finally. Accepted. As in my new home could be Chicago this fall.
What is God asking of me? Leaving would mean departing from HOME. i would be walking into a new chapter of my life with people i love far from me. i would be saying goodbye to the junior high girls i love so much. Today is day five of prayer. I am starting to feel secure. In the midst of the unknown i can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I got Jesus who has paved a way for me, who by the way, is the ALL-POWERFUL GOD.There is literally nothing i need to fear. I have an exciting opportunity before me. In two days i will be making my final decision.
My feelings are still roller-coastering away but i feel some peace. weird, when you trust God, peace is actually possible.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
im the youngest...
As i was working on my application for the Pink House (this is an option to do in the fall instead of Moody Bible), i started to write about my age. You see, for the Pink House you have to be at least 20 years old and i will be 19 years old, so i have to mention that despite my age, i am still as determined and passionate for ministry as a20yr old who is also applying. Anyways...i had to pause because it just hit me.
My whole life. i have been young.
I am always the youngest.
Even this year i have struggled with my age.
My closest friends are at least 2yrs older than me.
I was the only teen at my first college Well Lifegroup
I was the first official youngest summer staffer at Hume Lake at the age of 17
I was the first official youngest summer staffer at Sugar Pine at the age of 15
I started working with college students at age 11
I am the youngest Jr. High leader at the Well
I was one of the youngest employees at In-N-Out
I am the only teen working at Bath and Body Works (average age 24)
Now i am not listing off all my accomplishments rubbing in how many connections i had....no. I am listing all the times where i had to work my hardest and 110% to be at the same level as those around me. Sometimes my best was not good enough. (which i learned that my goal should be to please God not men, but different story for a different day) My whole life i have been placed in situations where my age has been ridiculed, looked down upon. It has affected relationships and caused people to treat me differently. BUT i learned what it means to be a hard worker. I learned what it means to be a servant. I learned what it means to love people, like love them when i really did not like them. When i expressed my struggles of my age to people, i don't think they understood. I really feel like only kids who have grown up in a Christian Camp would truly understand. This is like a unique thing. I grew up with pressure my whole life. (not from my parents) but from everyone else around me. We Hume kids were expected to always be happy, to be mature, to work hard. Or else if we didn't measure up, we were ignored or teased. There was no room for error. Moving down to Fresno, a whole new world than i was used to, also moved pressure away from me, but because i was used to it my whole life(because it was a normal part of life)...i put it upon myself subconsciously.
I place high expectations on myself and when i make just one mistake i feel like a failure. There have been people who, joking or not, have made comments about how immature and young i am and i just can't seem to let it go. I hold onto those words. Even in the midst of getting a great job at Bath and Body Works and being the youngest employee, i still struggle with forcing myself to be "that super mature and sweet 18yr old".
I remember one summer the Hume staff's verse was from 1 Timothy 4:12
"Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity"
Haha what....how could i totally overlook that verse? I was so focused on peoples' opinions that i completely ignored God's thoughts on it. Literally today....i just remembered this verse.
If i actually start to believe this, what would change?
Well already....
What a GREAT ministry opportunity is it to work at Bath and Body Works and love on people?
If my focus is on Christ not on other things, then people will be drawn to Christ through me, NOT drawn to ME.
I should not try to grow up too fast for peoples sake, but i should embrace that i do have the ability to keep good conversation and interact with those around me older and younger. At the same time, I should not forget that its ok to have fun and be dumb at times.
All these experiences have happened for a reason and are only preparing me for something greater. Maybe i will go my whole life being the youngest. Maybe i will go to the Pink House, the youngest. But this just proves that God uses ANYONE willing to follow him. and age DOES NOT matter. ok maybe it is an aspect, its not like i can run for president right now, but maybe my young age is just God saying "Hey ash, get outside your comfort zone and actually follow me." I don't know, just something to think about.
My whole life. i have been young.
I am always the youngest.
Even this year i have struggled with my age.
My closest friends are at least 2yrs older than me.
I was the only teen at my first college Well Lifegroup
I was the first official youngest summer staffer at Hume Lake at the age of 17
I was the first official youngest summer staffer at Sugar Pine at the age of 15
I started working with college students at age 11
I am the youngest Jr. High leader at the Well
I was one of the youngest employees at In-N-Out
I am the only teen working at Bath and Body Works (average age 24)
Now i am not listing off all my accomplishments rubbing in how many connections i had....no. I am listing all the times where i had to work my hardest and 110% to be at the same level as those around me. Sometimes my best was not good enough. (which i learned that my goal should be to please God not men, but different story for a different day) My whole life i have been placed in situations where my age has been ridiculed, looked down upon. It has affected relationships and caused people to treat me differently. BUT i learned what it means to be a hard worker. I learned what it means to be a servant. I learned what it means to love people, like love them when i really did not like them. When i expressed my struggles of my age to people, i don't think they understood. I really feel like only kids who have grown up in a Christian Camp would truly understand. This is like a unique thing. I grew up with pressure my whole life. (not from my parents) but from everyone else around me. We Hume kids were expected to always be happy, to be mature, to work hard. Or else if we didn't measure up, we were ignored or teased. There was no room for error. Moving down to Fresno, a whole new world than i was used to, also moved pressure away from me, but because i was used to it my whole life(because it was a normal part of life)...i put it upon myself subconsciously.
I place high expectations on myself and when i make just one mistake i feel like a failure. There have been people who, joking or not, have made comments about how immature and young i am and i just can't seem to let it go. I hold onto those words. Even in the midst of getting a great job at Bath and Body Works and being the youngest employee, i still struggle with forcing myself to be "that super mature and sweet 18yr old".
I remember one summer the Hume staff's verse was from 1 Timothy 4:12
"Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity"
Haha what....how could i totally overlook that verse? I was so focused on peoples' opinions that i completely ignored God's thoughts on it. Literally today....i just remembered this verse.
If i actually start to believe this, what would change?
Well already....
What a GREAT ministry opportunity is it to work at Bath and Body Works and love on people?
If my focus is on Christ not on other things, then people will be drawn to Christ through me, NOT drawn to ME.
I should not try to grow up too fast for peoples sake, but i should embrace that i do have the ability to keep good conversation and interact with those around me older and younger. At the same time, I should not forget that its ok to have fun and be dumb at times.
All these experiences have happened for a reason and are only preparing me for something greater. Maybe i will go my whole life being the youngest. Maybe i will go to the Pink House, the youngest. But this just proves that God uses ANYONE willing to follow him. and age DOES NOT matter. ok maybe it is an aspect, its not like i can run for president right now, but maybe my young age is just God saying "Hey ash, get outside your comfort zone and actually follow me." I don't know, just something to think about.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
starbuxing it up...
So maybe i am supposed to be doing school right now. But thank you laptop- you make me look im being really productive when in reality...im not. I am listening to background music (you know that music where you feel like you are in a flowery meadow running or looking down from a window smiling at a loved one, like music that i wished would follow me everywhere and could "narrate" my life based on what happens in my day) Across from me is Marcus, he is reading his Bible and journaling (can you say attractive. yes.) There are some diverse people groups surrounding this table i am sitting at. Some catching up with life, some talking about nerdy stuff, and the rest...not quite sure. Oh the feeling of a coffee shop :) I feel tired (still getting over my sickness) but i feel good.
What was your favorite food when you were a child?
Peaches- YUM!!!!
What’s the #1 most played song on your iPod?
Well i don't have an ipod at the moment but on itunes: Ships in the Night by Mat Kearney, weird that's not even my favorite song right now.
What is one of your favorite quotes?
Well im a sucker for cheesy love quotes but at the moment the one i like (non love like) would have to be. "You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him."
What’s your favorite indoor/outdoor activity?
Indoor: laying in my bed to be honest
Outdoor: water balloon fights
What chore do you absolutely hate doing?
The dishes. Oh how i hate my hands getting wet!!!
What is your favorite form of exercise?
It used to be running. I do miss swim. I'd have to say biking now.
What is your favorite time of day/day of the week/month of the year?
Time: 8am
Day: Saturday
Month: December (Christmas SEASON!!!)
What sound do you love?
Rain. Lawn movers. Laughter. Fire Crackling.
Ok i guess ill get back to school now :)
What was your favorite food when you were a child?
Peaches- YUM!!!!
What’s the #1 most played song on your iPod?
Well i don't have an ipod at the moment but on itunes: Ships in the Night by Mat Kearney, weird that's not even my favorite song right now.
What is one of your favorite quotes?
Well im a sucker for cheesy love quotes but at the moment the one i like (non love like) would have to be. "You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him."
What’s your favorite indoor/outdoor activity?
Indoor: laying in my bed to be honest
Outdoor: water balloon fights
What chore do you absolutely hate doing?
The dishes. Oh how i hate my hands getting wet!!!
What is your favorite form of exercise?
It used to be running. I do miss swim. I'd have to say biking now.
What is your favorite time of day/day of the week/month of the year?
Time: 8am
Day: Saturday
Month: December (Christmas SEASON!!!)
What sound do you love?
Rain. Lawn movers. Laughter. Fire Crackling.
Ok i guess ill get back to school now :)
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