travels and learning...

The week back home was far from anything I anticipated. What I had thought would be a refreshing week was a growing and stretching 7 days. The days literally flew by. I need to stop being surprised by the fact that I will learn and grow from being home no matter how long or short I am there.

This week I learned:

1. When I say “Oh I’m a long processor” or “I just can’t seem to balance” it only means that I take a specific route/system to get from A to B.  

Ok so picture one of those old fashioned scales. When I am faced with a choice, a new idea, a surprise, anything really, I start my process by beginning on one side of the scale- overanalyzing the situation. Freaking out. Basically do anything dramatic. Then I decide that I am not liking where I am at so I completely switch over to the other side. I become numb. Not caring at all. Develop in denial feelings and doubt. I repeat going from one side to the other but slowly figuring out things, what was once dramatic shifts has now become subtle back and forth movements.

When I finally find myself in balance I have completed my though process. You should know that I don’t just jump to conclusions. I WRESTLE. That’s how I grow. I don’t just accept what is. Even if  my life is in a dry season and nothing really exciting is happening , I am constantly wrestling with something.  I find balance through seeing each side in the most concentrated way before I settle down.  I would like to someday be able to find balance quicker but for now this is who I am. Thanks to one of my mentors- I now have a visual for how my processing works.

2.     I am still discovering what it means to be vulnerable. I am an open person. I share my life to anyone who asks …..but maybe my issue isn’t how to be “vulnerable” but how to guard my heart. I need to find boundaries. Balance…see a common theme?

3.     I am a words girl. I have decided that my word to describe LAST YEAR is: Trust. And now, my word for THIS YEAR is probably going to be Balance. God teaches me in so many ways but typically I can find one huge aspect that stretches me the most and  helps me understand my Savior more deeply. By learning to trust him- I see his consistency, loyalty, and where my rest should be in. Beforehand- I sought all that in others and was left disappointed. This year is Balance….I wonder what characteristics of God will pop out and become real to me.

4.     I learned that I live in fear. If I was told I am fearful, even up until last month, I would have laughed. I am independent. Strong willed. Determined. Sure I get scared of things but I will not back down no matter the extent of my complaining or emotions. But you see I have brushed off issues for so long. It is time I look at those fears and work through them. Once again Jesus is giving me such a strong visual that I NEED him. Moments like these make me wonder how people can live without Jesus. Here I am pursuing him and I sometimes feel like I’m barely hanging on. So how do people who don’t live in such freedom get through life? It baffles me and truly makes me so sad.

5.     I am reminded that long car rides are one of my favorite places to be. Laughter. Real conversation. Memories. Dreamer time.

6.     I’m still a California girl at heart but at the root of it: I love my mountains and trees. So a summer in Washington isn’t so bad.

7.     The Grind is still my happy spot

8.     I need to remember to approach the Holy Spirit FIRST before anything. Even if my plans are solid. Even if my motives are pure. It is sin if I do not follow the Lord in what he has in store for me. I assume that anything good I do- he would be pleased with. But he doesn’t call me to do good things (necessarily) he calls me to obey. Going to be wrestling with this for a bit.

9.     I learned that I really am a fun person (energizer) but that people-including myself- have created an idea of what fun people should look like. If you were to meet me, you would not say “oh she’s fun” you may think along the lines of “oh she is friendly and can hold a conversation”. I get it. Fun would not be the first word to describe me but there are so many more elements of “energizer” that is missed. You can see it in different areas of who I am.

For instance: I am a planner. Love love love planning. But take a look at my plans. My plans are adventurous. No matter how boring or stupid they may seem- my plans are always bound to not work which makes for a funny story later. My plans are creative and seems to bring about mystery. So in my planning of stability there is always an essence of the unknown, the unexpected, the fun.

Another one: I love encouraging people. In so many different ways. I love making people’s days in the best way possible and that takes creative and outgoing sides of me. Again…I am fun within my thoughtful side.

There are different circumstances/people who can bring out the “fun” person but usually my fun is implemented behind the scenes. I have been hurt at times because I can’t fit into what fun people are supposed to act like, but now that I have seen “fun” in a different light. I am completely fine with it.