"best friend"....

So i am going through a James Bible Study with my momma and another lady. This week we had to list the blessings in our lives (to see visually God's blessing in the midst of hard seasons) As i was writing, i got to thinking...

Even though a huge struggle of mine has been to make and keep friendships, i am overwhelmed by how many loyal people have been there for me. I sometimes, actually a lot of the time, get consumed by one perspective and i forget to take a step back to see that i am very very blessed. Although most of the people that have come into my life have been seasonal friendships, there are four people that come to my mind who am i beyond blessed to know. 

An Ashlyn Fact: I hate the term "best friend". I cringe at the sound of it and basically wall up when i hear someone call me it. 

I have four best friends.

Wait did i just use a hated term...how hypocritical of me. And this is where i explain...

When i hear the term "best friend", all the failed friendships pile up and hit me in the face. Since i was wee little, i loved people, loved meeting new friends, loved finding fun ways to love them. And since i was wee little, i also signed my life away to every person i met. My loyalty has been both a refreshing and frustrating characteristic i have. It kicks in every time i extend my hand to meet someone. Over the years i have learned to train my thoughts from "We are going to be such great lifelong friends" to "It is great to meet this person, i will take each day as it comes, and be thankful for where is starts and ends (if it ends up being seasonal)" Anytime a friendship ends, my heart dies a little. And that is not me being dramatic. I feel torn and hurt. I cycle through all the memories and conversations. I question God on the "whys". My thoughts jump back and forth from "fine, i don't need people in my life" to "i will hold onto the friends i still have super, uncomfortably tight" (pretty much an extremist, i know) 

"Best friends" went from a happy, fun concept into an irritating, eye-rolling word. But here i am...19 years later and finally breaking free little by little. Thanks to 4 amazing friends of course. 

These four friends...have accepted me and all my weird quirks and been patient with me as i figured out how to not freak out when "best friends" was spoken to me. Yea, they made fun of me, and i think because of the jokes, slowly i became more apt to accepting it. 

These people, they are family, they are my close group of people who know me inside and out, they know my little mannerisms, they have taught me how to laugh when things don't go my way, they have made life fun, they have challenged me in every area (from dating boys to my walk with Christ), they have redefined "best friends"

I just need to call it what it is. They are my best friends. 

Not many people get to say they have two girls and two guys who support them and love them no matter what. Friendships in general have been quite a roller coaster for me. No i did not grow up being best friends with any of them. 

This One: started based on hatred 

This One: started based on meaningless inside jokes

This One: started because of of forced interactions

This One: started because my Hume-kid-awkwardness eventually wore off on him

After all these years these four friends...are still here. After everything. This is proof that first interactions, first several years, first memories...later become funny stories for strong and deep friendships.

my kiss...

I think i am going to just officially state this in my blog, to make it official haha.

I am saving my first kiss.

For many people who know me, this is a fact they have known for a long while. yes, i am basically being a nun, but with pretty awesome reasons i would say. Watch, im probably a naturally good kisser and am just super sweet to save it for one lucky man....ok not really. I could care less honestly haha. Anyway...i want to be able to tell my future husband that i waited for him and i am giving him the whole package. (you are welcome future husband... :D ) 

lets pause fore a moment. if making out with every boy that i went out with glorified God and was selfless, then i would make out all day long. believe me! But in reality...kissing is something special and not something that should be tossed around. after being in one relationship, i can safely say i don't think its impossible to save it for the right time. although it's not always easy, it is doable.  

so the right time....

which is when....?

As i previously mentioned, i said, "I am saving my first kiss." About a year ago, i would have added "...till my wedding day." at the end. But that has changed. say what??? Ashlyn, you are going back on your promise?! Shame on you! 

Uh well kinda...and no i didn't change it because i dated a boy. I started thinking about it and at the end of the day my main reason i chose to save my first kiss is to glorify and respect my future boyfriend who may or may not become my husband. 

Sure saving my first kiss for my wedding day would go above and beyond (and be super nun-like haha)....but i started to be motivated by "i will prove everyone who thinks i can't do it, wrong" thoughts. which is pretty lame. i am competitive and like to prove people wrong who don't believe in me...but relationships aren't card games.  So i am keeping it simple now.

I am saving my first kiss.

for when? i don't know.

but all i know is i will probably kiss my man before my wedding day....probably, hopefully. actually, i am not worried really about the "when" because i think i will be more focused on how i can love and serve and build him up...that's just how i am i guess. i really can't wait to kiss, but i will still wait.

I want to make sure any relationship i am in, is centered on Christ and if my man falls in love with who i am, then the kiss will be a fun bonus (of course this kiss will be happening later on, not in like the first month of dating or when we first say "i love you"...i guess when we both want to spend the rest of our lives together) 

so that is all...just wanted to give and update on my 19yr old unkissed self. 

just the beginning...

My plan is just the beginning.

My plans are usually awesome, epic, perfectly laid out. And what usually happens?

They burn up, get twisted, go in the opposite direction. I always joke around saying that i always have back up plans because my Plan A never goes smoothly. Yea i get frustrated, yea i get anxious, a bit annoyed for the inconvenience but i easily find a way to replan quickly.

I think its safe to say we all want to live a great life filled with happiness and love. The plans we create in our heads, or write out on paper are just the beginning....the beginning of something greater.

When i have a super good day, that usually means that my plans went perfect (which does happen but is rare)...and i give myself all the credit. But stop for a moment. Isn't God in control of everything? Yes we do have free will, we have choices, but ultimately if we love Jesus, we long to serve him. Anyways...isn't our perfect plans just God's way of allowing us to see a visual of who He is?

He is in every aspect of our lives. Even my own daily plans and routines.

This year..nothing has gone according to plan. Like...my dream plan would have placed me in Chicago my first year out of high school, getting involved in city life and meeting so many awesome people. My dream plan did not have room for me to think of the possibility that i'd be staying another year..at home...with no community...no classmates...no city.

I know i have blogged about this a bit...the whole "living here in Fresno another year was not what i expected" but in this post i want to focus on the fact that in the midst of both my failed and successful plans, God was there, and i was able to see a different side of Him revealed :)

Looking back over this year, i still don't get why i got involved in jr high ministry, why i fell in love with my job, why i met and dated an amazing guy only to have to say goodbye to all those things. So much happened this year not according to my plan that was super good and i sit back overwhelmed. God allowed things to be "ruined" in order for me to learn, grow, and seek Him more. But he did use my laid out plan of getting a job easily, forming a new community, and growing closer with my sister as a way to show that he is FOR me, that He is in everything.

So you see....my plan is just the beginning. No matter how awesome it is. No matter what the end results may be. At the end of the day, God uses those plans for His glory no matter what He allows (if he "ruins" or lets my plans work out). I am thankful that God's got everything under control because i still do not understand what "seasonal friendships" mean to this day and i still don't get why he sometimes doesn't give a clear direction to me because im such a planner. He knows this about me.

Good one God...you are teaching me about trust, beginning with my plans that end up in your hands no matter what.