thoughts on a tuesday

what do i see myself as? when i look in the mirror who do i reflect? i know my perspective is screwed up still to put it bluntly. i am the optomist for others but a pessemeist for anything that has to do with myself. instead of walking into everyday asking myself how can i grow and become a better person today? my constant thoughts are how many times will i mess up in the next 5mins it has been said that whatever is on the inside comes out and if i am so consumed by my failures, my actions are twisted and i am not being the best ashlyn i can be. i truly thought i was a confident person, and i am...but only when life is good and i have everything in control. CONTROL and EXPECTATIONS are my two least favorite words. they have been my idols and i am constantly finding myself living with the perspecttive that i EXPECT my plans and CONTROL to work out the way i want. i laugh as i write that because its so selfish and i sit back looking at what others are doing not willing to budge from my stubborn unteachable heart. where did my writing go? my book reading? my time with Jesus? a friend of mine gave me a visual example and it is one of those metaphors control freaks like me would only understand. AM I LETTING MY WORLD SPIN? the world is my perspective. i tend to focus on one continent at one time and get so consumed by it. if step back and let go of control the world would start spinning again and i would then get a bigger picture and the stress i had from tying to hold onto the world would no longer be there.where does my confidence lie? huh thats a good question. God give me the strength to live out the perspective i have been learning about and fill me with love. i have been learning so much but not letting myself grow because it hasn't been easy.

My song

i am a music person- well im not obsessed and have posters covering my wall but it is rare for me not to be listning to music. the other day a song came on the radio and it was the first time i actually listened to the lyrics. it is my song.


"Set The World On Fire"- Britt Nicole

I wanna set the world on fire
Until it's burning bright for You
It's everything that I desire
Can I be the one You use?

[CHORUS]
I, I am small but
You, You are big enough
I, I am weak but
You, You are strong enough to
Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with You
Nothing I can not do
Nothing I cannot do

I wanna feed the hungry children
And reach across the farthest land
And tell the broken there is healing
And mercy in the Father's hands

[CHORUS]

Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with You
Nothing I cannot do
Nothing I cannot do

My hands my feet
My everything
My life, my love
Lord, use me

I wanna set the world on fire
I wanna set the world on fire, yeah

Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with You
Nothing I cannot do
Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with You
There's nothing I can't do
Nothing I can't do

I'm gonna set the world on fire
Set the world on fire




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HYompTPEoXg

Some Highlights of 2010

Canada/WA -Easter
Well worship on Sundays
Randi bringing Jamaba to encourage me
Kenya
Drivers License
Job at In N Out
Summer Staff at Hume
Movies with Fletch and Sean
Hume Formal
Prom with Calen
Dance lessons
Rooming with Christina
Being in Hume's opener
3am movies -Inception and Twilight with Snack Shop staff
Room redone
Disneyland for my 17th bday and Snack Shop reunion
Becoming friends with Ams again
Halloween annual movie night with Melody
Bible study- 6am
Ditching class and getting it excused
Chicago visit

Letter to a friend...but also a look at where i am at in life

Dear Darbi,
What do i give to someone who is about to start a new chapter in life? I thought it safe to say that because i have been through mucho high school experiences, sharing some wise wise(half sarcasm used) wisdom with a dear friend would be very fitting. I wish that there was someone that could have told me about what i was going find myself in the midst of. But there wasn't, so i had to learn the hard way through these last 3 years. Yes sometimes learning the hard way is the best way to learn but there are other times when learning from others who made mistakes can help prevent you from heartache. This letter is for you Darbi. That does not mean you are obligated to read it right now or even ever. I am sharing my heart and being completely honest with you. Some of the things i say may not have anything to do with what you may go through but i want to let you know that life is not better or worse in the "real" world, just different. I want to share with you my struggles, what i have learned, and how i have grown.


EXPECTATIONS
Want the root to many disappointments in life? Guess what, in most cases people aren't doing anything wrong, it's actually the expectations you place on top of whatever it is you are focusing on. Expectations have been my own worst enemy since moving down. I allowed them to crawl up and ruin many things. Expectations came from comparing one thing to another. Expectations created a self centered environment for me. They affected how i acted and how i treated everyone around me. They affected my decisions and my walk with God. I am constantly falling into that pit and it gets harder and harder to get out. Ever since i moved, ever since day one, i found i had soo many expectations naturally placed on everything. My life was an uncontent bubble and the one thing i regret is letting it control me for years. It becomes an addiction and you can't just stop by a "ok im done having expectations now, i will be happy from this point forward" As you will see if you keep reading all that i will talk about was mislead by expectations and put a sour angle to everything in life. from school to church to family to friends...to really everything.
SCHOOL
Day one at school. I expected to meet some lifelong friends. i knew it was a far fetched idea but i figured i would be the one in a million people to get that lucky. since you saw it in the movies it must be a little logic right? nope not at all. there was no geeky boy with a great personality that i would fall in love with later. there was no person i bumped into in the hallway and we were instantly bffs. I expected that people would care what i had to say but instead of listening they were more focused on my hume t-shirt that was so not in style. I expected everyone to like me and think i was oh so sweet. But insead people found me to be overly happy and fake. I expected people to instantly open up and we would form a good friendship. Yes now looking at all those exceptions you can clearly see how ridiculous they are but honestly growing up in a place where people have to learn to get along, there are really no guys to dress cute for and since you grew up with the same people your whole life you forget that it took years to get to the place you are now. at this point we are established in our faith more so than mostly everyone down the mountain, which is a blessing but high school is a time to figure who you are and in a way you are one step ahead and in an awkward position. here is some suggestions to make school a bit easier on you. take one day at a time. and slowly but surely you wont even think about what your next class is cause it will be natural. i hated asking questions in front of people. day one-it was first period, geometry. the teacher asked "what is the first thing that comes to mind when you think of stampede?" (he meant for our school since we are the brancos) i raised my hand and said "buffalo" now im sure that no one remembers that now, but because of that moment after i said that and everyone laughed i didnt speak in any of my classes till junior year. at some point you will have imput and you will get more out of the class if you interact but it will take time cause its not natural. by the end of junior year i was raising my hand in us history, i got most answers wrong but the teacher saw my effort and i felt accomplished when the year ended. now as i said, this all will take TIME so dont rush anything but dont hold back you can do small things to build it up slowly. i went to the teacher after class or at lunch to get help. i waited to ask all my questions when everyone was gone and it worked for me. so i recommend try it. also be on the lookout for a good teacher. someone who truly cares. find a homeroom a place you can go for lunch and relax. my room was peer counseling and i was able to open up to the teacher about things i wanted an outside opinion on. the teach could even be someone you don't have a class with. i learned also at lunch that there were TONS of people like you. but everyone is good at hiding it. if you watched me for a day i know a lot of people. why? not cause im a star player in a sport. nope i did one of the most uncomfortable things people hate to do or some tmes don't even know how to do. that would be: BE THE FIRST TO REACH OUT. you would be surprised who is just waiting for a friend. so here is a suggestion: be looking around and find someone you see sitting by themself or a group of people you may recognize from a class you have with them. i will say it may be so awkward and difficult and they may end up giving you that "you are so weird" look but i have learned weird is good. people tell me im weird all the time and yet still want to talk to me, why? because i love them all genuinely and they see Jesus(even though they may not know its all Jesus) in me. but i am getting ahead of myself, im starting to talk about friends, and that is in a different paragrapgh
HOUSE OR HOME???
My HOME is Hume. I'm guessing yours is too. It will always have a place in my heart. When I moved down to a big white house that we rented, I felt not at home whatsoever. It was a shelter and place to sleep. It was a house. But slowly I noticed that it was really only a building and my family was my home. When i came to that realization I started to see things through a new perspective. Sure it was not the home i had at hume but I was blessed to live in such a beautiful house(not the ugly yellow one my dad was going to get). When we bought a house finally, I instantly felt at home, not just because i loved the new pool (haha) but because i was surrounded with people i loved a ton. When you move down you may get the ugliest house on the block, or it may be small. Just remember God placed you there and that there is a reason you are there. It is totally ok to not replace Hume as a home but don't build up walls to settle in where God has you.

FRIENDS
I expected that since i was picking my own friends i would get to be picky and find the good strong christians. Honey, at a public school, christian is just a term. The friends i hung out with freshman year were catholic, didn't cuss, went to church, dressed modestly, but did not have the foundations i had. i was rooted in Christ and although they were sweet, Satan was quick to place sin under their feet in manipulate them to change. After the summer they had a boyfriend they were sleeping with, were dressing with not so much clothes, cussing every other word and doing drugs. I thought i picked the right friends. sure they werent crhistian but so what....ok some things wrong with that. One FIND STRONG CHRISTIAN FRIENDS and again i will say it, it will take time, dont rush it cuz you may assume just cuz they dont cuss they are cool. you don't have to hang out with them 24-7 but you need a support team and encouragement whenever you are beat down by everyone else around you. Don't necessarily go to the other extreme and only hang out with christians though. The public school is the best mission field so take every opportunity to shine Jesus. Invite people who are nonchristian to hang out with you and others. When you have others behind your back you will be less likely to fall. I didn't notice how even a Catholic girl was pulling me away from God and i ignored all the red flags. She was nice but when she met her bff they started hanging out together and i was the 3rd wheel. so instead of being ok i started placing expectations on myself and trying to fit in. Sure i never cussed or did anything that went against my beliefs but i settled and allowed for some not so good covos. i didn't speak up in fear of what they might say.DON"T IDOLIZE FRIENDS like i did. friends are one of the most important things in life and it is especially important in high school. they help you get through things and create amazing memoris but i made them my idols and God took them away from me. what a hard lesson to learn. it took till this summer to let God have all that i am.

FRIENDS COME IN SEASONS.
A girl from Germany (foreign exchange student) who was going to be in fresno for the school year came to youth group and i decided that since she was only here for a year i would not be good friends with her....to my surprise she challenged and encouraged my walk with God. i didnt expect such a gift and blessing. God will bring people from all different angles to affect you in some way or another. she is gone now back home but i know we will be friends for a long time. You know that saying you may have heard from your parents to "take the friendship for what it is and be thankful" i didnt believe or listen to that advice and i pushed friendships overboard and ruined them. me and mandy used to be close because of hume but we did distance ourselves. i was not ok by that at all so i became bitter and got angry at her for doing nothing but moving on. again my expectations were very high and i ended up disappointed. it has taken me months to be ok. now i am at peace. we are still friends but at a new season and i am perfectly fine by that. you and some of the hume girls friendships will most likely change but dont view it as bad just at a new season that may bounce back or keep moving on a different path. do take it for what it is and keep investing but dont let expectations control it or it may curve back and punch you in the face.


DONT GIVE UP WHEN LIFE ISNT PERFECT. Turn to those who love you not push away. Life WILL get hard a certain points and God is only allowing the things to happen knowing you will survive. It's your choice how you react to it and if you let the situation grow you.

-"Fitting in" is so kindergarden. If you fit in with the crowd you will not be following God. It is so easy to get into habits.

-Love is an action not a feeling and it will be tested at school and church because of the wide variety of personalities. so be patient and trust God

CHURCH
Even at church you may not feel like people want you around. Hang in there. It takes time. It may come unexpected as well. I thought I was making a ton of friends. But my definition of friends was different than theirs. If you said hey and hugged each other and went to a movie occasionally then you were good friends. To me that was too surfacey. I had to learn that it is ok to have those friends and take it for what it is but i did long for good solid friends. One day my mom made me give this new girl a tour and i was not happy...to this day i am very good friends with her. She is actually Ausin Rurikk's cousin. You are not going to be at Hume church anymore which brings a whole new ballpark. Make the most and try to learn stuff at youth group. also if you see a need at youth group and you have an idea to make things better, do it!! its amazing to see what you may leave behind even if you leave just an idea for future years.
GET PLUGGED IN
I loved trying out for track. One it was a new experience. Second, even though i was the slowest and least athletic, i made a family and some of the people i met freshman year, who i would have never met otherwise, i am still friends with today. At church i helped out with the the kids on sundays which helped me for teaching PE to 3rd graders last year. Take initiative and get yourself out of the comfort zone. I have not regretted anytime i have stepped out. I did try out for water polo and hated it but i didnt let one failure ruin my going into sports.

GET A MENTOR
Don't rush into this one but it doesn't hurt to keep your eyes out for someone older who walks with God and leads by example. I waited till my Junior year to get one and it has been so amazing to see where i am now with her guidance. Yes share with your mom and dad but sometimes its nice to get a perspective on someone outside


BOYS
so as you may see there will be boys who are cute and beautiful creations but also are perverted and have no personality. i recommend that becoming friends with boys is a great experirce but dont get too close cuz it adds unwanted drama. you are pretty so you may get hit on and such. be careful its harder to guard your heart when not at hume. guys know what to say to get the reaction they want. even one compliment from a guy may add unwanted feelings and create confusion. so be careful but have fun :)
guys add a new element when hanging out with a group . they are more chill and its a nice change. they are less dramatic for most of the time then hume boys are so you will like it :)

i love you girl and i am here for you. ok. thats all and please if you have questions or want to vent come talk to me.
ash

What i needed to hear....

Andrea De Luca December 6 at 4:15pm Report
hey how are you young lady??! lol.
well... remember how you used to invite me to your youth group and i seemed like i wasnt that interested? well i just wanna say thank you for inviting me cuz even though it took like two years i finally have a relationship with Jesus and its awesome:) i found a really great church by my house and idk how to explain it but you probly know what i'm trying to say haha. and like wow its just amazing

So today has been a weird day. It is Char's last day here. It kind of hit me-cried a bit, but nothing too big. I started to clean which meant i felt i had no control over life right now. I started to go through all my letters from previous high school years. I started to remember my old friends who now lived in different parts of Cali. I happened to look on Facebook and saw i got a message. From Andrea De Luca. Not someone i was expecting. We were good friends for the first part of high school. She was my first friend at North. We started to hang out wit different friends and she ended up moving. This was a fun surprise. I started to read and quickly became overwhelmed. A girl whom i loved and hung out with did not understand God's saving grace and it was sad for me. I invited her to youth group and did my best to live as Christ asks us to, but i had NO idea how God could use a Freshman/Sophomore to plant a seed in her heart. She is now my sister in Christ and i am so overjoyed! It was encouraging to get and read. If Andrea asked God intoher heart then God can work in Claire's heart. All i need to do is keep on loving her and show her Jesus and He will use my little human actions for His glory! I have to say this may be one of my best moments in high school.

Vroom Vroom (car noise)

Some people go running or walking to process about things going on in their lives. Ok i admit that running in the rain leaves me feeling refreshed but i end up not resolving whatever is going on in my mind. Writing used to be my place to organize my thoughts and yes i still resort to that, but my number one place to think would be in the car. A 5min car ride to 5hrs or more of driving really lets me think and my mind wonder. I typically don't talk that much in the car, and if i do then i finish the convo as soon as possible and end up staring out the window to the fields, trees, cows, birds, roads, cars, bumper stickers, ugly billboards etc. My mind gets consumed by unresolved thoughts and i may end up cycling through the thought several times but i when i get out of the car i feel some sort of peace i can;t really describe. this is the time my creativity comes out! i just love car rides. so if i look mad or whatever cuz im not talking, don't be offended-im just thinking :)

now that is love....

The show, "what would you do?" is pretty good but this one episode really stood out to me. This lady really grabbed my heart when although having nothing placed a man she did not know above herself and cared. Wow what an encouragement and inspiration. I recommend watching the whole clip but if you watch the video at 4:28mnutes till the end, then you will see why i was so touched!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49YQhTLoGuA