two more days...

(This song has been on my heart. I need to remember him in the midst of everything)

It has been now- 5 days-

five days since i received my third and last letter from Moody Bible.

The moment when, no matter the answer, i had to trust God.

It took five days. Five days now for me to actually start trusting what God was doing in my life despite my frustrations and confusion.

 I got accepted into the school of my dreams finally. Accepted. As in my new home could be Chicago this fall.

 What is God asking of me? Leaving would mean departing from HOME. i would be walking into a new chapter of my life with people i love far from me. i would be saying goodbye to the junior high girls i love so much. Today is day five of prayer. I am starting to feel secure. In the midst of the unknown i can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I got Jesus who has paved a way for me, who by the way, is the ALL-POWERFUL GOD.There is literally nothing i need to fear. I have an exciting opportunity before me. In two days i will be making my final decision.

My feelings are still roller-coastering away but i feel some peace. weird, when you trust God, peace is actually possible.

a thing called trust...

So I just spent quite a bit of time coming up with a really good analogy to convey what is going on in my mind but when i reread it....i got frustrated. It didn't work. My visual example of what is going on in my head just didn't work. I am now at step 1 once again. I guess a simple blog post will have to suffice.

I don't think i am just sick because of lack of sleep.

I don't want to be around people.
I don't want to go to work.
I don't want to do school.

But why?

Because every time I feel pressure about something i freak out. I overanalyze. I wall up. I push away.

I don't rest in His arms. I don't find peace.

I just go throughout my day feeling sick.

I have tried to talk to people about this. (What I am going to do this fall) But you know, at the end of the day, it's a me and Jesus thing. Well actually it is a Jesus thing. (i need to be fully surrendered to Him...but i am not to be honest) Talking it out has not helped me process or helped me breath.

In two weeks, by April 15th, i will receive a letter in the mail. This will be the third and last letter I get from Moody Bible Institute.

Options:

Letter says No
-I will apply to the Pink House
-I will continue to work at Bath and Body works
-I will continue to love on my Jr. High girls
-I will go to a community college
-I will look at other ministry training programs

Letter says Yes
-I will go Moody Bible

-I will say no
-If i say no, i will apply to the Pink House
-If i say no, i will look at going overseas short term

The letter is not God's answer....well its not a clear and direct answer at least. I do not feel at rest with either possible answer. I am looking more at staying here in Fresno...but am i doing it for the right reasons? I am comfortable here. I have community here. I have a boyfriend here. I have my family and a job I love. Maybe God is calling me to leave that. To go into the unknown.

Or maybe i am supposed to be here. To continue doing ministry here. I know I said it's comfortable to live here in fresno and i know we are not called to live a comfortable life...but i think it is all in perspective. I mean when i sit back and look at my life right now....there are a ton of things that kind of suck right now but because my mentality has shifted, i would consider my life comfortable. I feel like in order to grow and be challenged i have to do something, be open to, or allow God to place me in the midst of something i am not comfortable with, but that doesn't mean live an uncomfortable life. There are so many things i am uncomfortable with, like speaking in front of people. But me trying to work on speaking does not make my whole life uncomfortable, it just is a small thing that will challenge and grow me to desire the God of the universe. I feel like you can live a comfortable life in the midst of uncomfortable circumstances. It's just all in perspective. I don't think my reason to leave Fresno should be because i live a comfortable life. My motivation should not be based solely on my circumstances. I don't know if that makes sense.

All in all....i have basically three short weeks to make a decision that will affect the rest of my life. I am up for the adventure....but to be honest i am not fond of this journey to get to the adventure at the moment. I really do need to trust Him.And i know looking back i will be thankful but i also need to be thankful now. right now in the midst of not knowing.

it clicked...

I have been learning a ton. A ton. I have been struggling and processing life. I have been overwhelmed beyond belief. I have cried more than i would like to. But you know...at the end of the day.


God is still God. God is good. God is enough. God doesn't give up on me.

He waits. Patiently.
He holds me. Gently.
He listens. Understanding.


After three convicting conversations: something clicked.

I am trying to do it on my own. I know that I can't physically, emotionally, or mentally handle it and yet I go throughout my day trying to prove to myself that I can. Jokes on me. What a pathetic thought: "Oh hey God, I got this one. I can do it. You can come along for the ride." Gosh how embarrassing.

As I was trying to work things out i kept telling myself, "I want to let go of control. I just need to work on my issues. I really need to focus on God more." Do you see what I did there? ....I, I, I. Since when does everything revolve around me?

My focus has shifted: I need to wake up every morning with a new and fresh desire, and longing to be near Christ. A NEW desire every day. The minute it becomes routine. The minute my focus goes from delighting in the Lord to asking if I am doing it (reading the Bible, praying right etc) right. The minute I have to stop and look back asking myself "When did that happen? When did I lose my desire for Christ? When did i take control of my life?". That minute....that minute that reminds me I am human and how desperately i need Him. I NEED TO FALL TO MY KNEES AND SURRENDER.

I am nothing. This life is not for me.

How am I going to go about my day delighting in Him? Constantly desiring Him and longing to be apart of His big adventure He has for me? I have no idea. no idea. haha. This is something I just can't plan.

How am i going to start? Going on a walk. As simple as that is. I get to embrace His beauty (even in Fresno yes...have you seen the blossoms??), chat with him, and worship Him. That's a start.

I am so thankful for His faithfulness. He is Good.

and a month later...

Um it's Feb (side note: i can't spell Feb....its one of those words that I have never been able to get right....) Anyway, it has been a month. One whole month since I have last posted. I really thought i would do better. Obviously not. Sooo anyway, life has been super crazy. Isn't it always to be honest? I really haven't had time to process it all which doesn't sit to well with me. I honestly think i need one whole day away from fresno, away from the normal, but i can't drive in the snow so a refreshing day in the mountains is out of the question. Maybe i can be simple just go to woodward park or fig garden's starbucks.
So here is the just of life right now.

Bath and Body Works is still pretty good, but i am in the season where i really don't like people (they can be so cruel)

School: this is the most unmotivated i have been in a long while. I am trying to push through though.

Friends: my closest friends do not live in fresno and the ones that are here are guys. So i am praying that God allows me to get connected with girls my own age.

I have a boyfriend. Um what...me?? Yea- i still wake up every morning with the same giddy and "i can't believe this is happening to me." feeling. I am LOVING every minute and already learning so much. A struggle i am already seeing is: pride. It's interesting to see God place me in different situations and the new struggles that arise. You know what, i actually like it. I like struggling and being stretched in new ways because...its just not the same ol same ol.

I am really working on being spontaneous....i'd give myself a C which is pretty exciting. Personal record i'd say!

I really need to start living healthy. I am sucking pretty bad and the reason i know why: im getting headaches again- LAME. So there is a new goal for me to work on.

I'm super excited for winter retreat with my jr highers!! only a couple more weeks!!!

I am doing a new Bible study with my mom called Duty or Delight and so far i am already being challenged- i am excited for the next couple of months. The Jonah study really hit hard so im interested to see what i am going to pull from this one.

This is the second time i have gotten cramps in my life: may i just say they are super ridiculous...what was God thinking....i am not a fan whatsoever!

I got pulled over for speeding yesterday...and this time my speeding was on accident. But thankfully because my amazing dad is a Firefighter i drove away ticketless and even without a written warning- Jesus does watch over me! He is FOR me. haha but not i am super aware about my driving.

Well there is a short version: that is all i have time for really. Until later.

thoughts in my head...

i am a bit frustrated....
i feel like energy i put into loving and investing into two dear people, is all for nothing and wasted.
they have closed themselves off from me.
i dont blame them-i cant begin to imagine what they are going through right now
but im here- wanting to serve and love them
and God has obviously placed them in my life
but how do i love when all i meet is a wall of masked emotion?
i just dont know what to do.

half way done...

SO what a busy week for finals week. Work....i love it and i laugh that out of all the weeks to schedule me a ton, it would be during finals. Im super tired and haven't had must rest. but you know, it's better than i thought. I have quite a few highs and lows so far. WSM middle school (youth group) is great every week and im excited that im starting to get to know my 87th graders by name and seeing their fun and diverse personalities, what a blessing it is to be their leader. Im starting to establish friendships with my coworkers and God has opened up so many opportunities to shine Christ, im amazed that He chooses to use me, a college freshmen, to mirror Christ in the work environment. May i just say coming home to "Christmas" is great. There is usually homemade apple cider, Michael Buble playing in the background, the fire going, the lights lit up, and my family. Its like dream season for me. Im ready for a break break in Washington though. I miss everyone up there- my grandma especially. After spring break i feel like me and her hit a new level of grandma-granddaughter relationship. like i want to hang out with her and soak in a much of her cute humor as much as possible.

Now for my lows....with this i feel like i don't want to stop at my lows but find good in it.
When it comes down to it, im not bummed staying here in fresno at all, im bummed with the people who were in and out of life in a matter of months. two of my close friends are in a different state or in a program in the mountains, so i dont hear from them often and the people who stayed in fresno as well....well we aren't friends anymore. some of them came home for the holidays and are meeting up with those who stayed here (all except me). although i know this is the place where God is having me, its sad to see that my old friends are all still besties and wanting to hang out. i lived so much life with them last year and it was gone before i knew it....meaning that i hung onto them and didnt allow for God. This season has shown me that i NEED him to help me not stay in a state of anger, bitterness, or hurt. In Christ alone. do i believe that?

BUT the people he has placed in my life are AMAZING!

Lets start with my sister-julianne. She has been through quite a lot this year and has GROWN so much in who she is in Christ. The little emotion she once showed is now filled with funny, light hearted sarcasm and caringness. She is looking above herself and constantly loving me when i don't deserve it. I love hanging out with her and we have created so many memories this year. IM THANKFUL to be here this year because we have developed such a strong relationship. Even how we resolve conflict has changed and i can see how loyal she is. I have myself a sister who is so rare and am lucky to have her this close to me. The people who hurt her are missing out on her joy and compassion. (Thats just my protective sister side coming out)

We had a couple move into our guest bedroom, they have been here for almost 2 months, and they have blown my mind. The love they have for each other and us is such a gift! PJ-well he can just make me laugh about anything and we even have a couple inside joke. Sheri- man she is one of the most genuine and incredibly loving people i know. She is such a servant and listens to my ridiculous dramatic stories. IM THANKFUL to be here this year because they have blessed me in so many way and challenged me in my walk with Christ by how they love each other and serve Him daily.

Melody- she used to live with us and we learned to love each other but our relationship didn't take off until last year. She started invest into my life and we started to see that we could relate to a lot of things. I love our time together- if its watching Bones or sitting next to each other in church. IM THANKFUL to be here this year because im friends with a determined and sweet gem.

Kim-im interning under her this year and we have met up a few times at panera. spending time with her is def. a top highlight for me this year. I would easily consider her a mentor and a gift to me this season. Her lifestyle challenges me to continue to seek Christ and invest into people who are hard to love. She is so encouraging. IM THANKFUL to be here this year because she didn't have to invest into my life and yet she loves on me in the midst of my processing.

Sean- im not quite sure how to explain how friendship. it is built on a foundation of health i would say. he seeks Christ and so automatically our friendship is not superficial. we both have an understanding that guys and girls are not meant to be bffs for life but i truly believe that God has allowed for us to be close friends in this season of life. i know that it will not stay this close but am completely content knowing that. our friendship is based on growing and challenging each other for Christ. he has made me a better person in this year and i have seen now how a guy can treat a girl with Christs love and not with a sin intent. Most guys would not want to be close friends with a girl they werent attracted to but he is. IM THANKFUL for his friendship to me and how much he has loved on my family and me.

ashley-my future roommate. she is loyal. she is in love with Christ. she is a good solid friend. im excited to meet her next year and continue growing together.

i need to keep perspective, cause i have really been blessed.

the fear is legit...

I decided I need a break from the overwhelming mess of school work, I have reached the end of week 7 (out of 8 weeks) and although i am very proud to have made it this far, i am not at in a state of peace, or a willingness to push on through. why is this?

I have been assigned the WORST thing possible. To speak. to give a speech. to film myself giving a speech. to be in the spotlight for at least 10minutes. even as i write this, my tummy is all jumbled up and i have a huge lump in my throat. you must be thinkng, "ashlyn, it's just a speech." or "it takes confidence and practice" Yes you are so right, and i pretty much gave up on even trying to explain the extent of my fear. I left my explanation to a simple, "It's worse than a fear." That is the only way I could express what i felt.

You may think "oh well you haven't done it enough." well here is a list of all the times i was in the spotlight. never did i walk into it feeling ok, never in the middle of my speech did i feel "wow im doing good!", and never have i walked away feeling relieved. just even thinking about past times makes me feel sick to my stomach.

-i was in several musicals (although i can't sing or act, i thought that i could get rid of my fear...nope)
-i helped host a Father-Daughter conference at Hume Lake with my dad (i thought standing in front of 200 people simply giving announcement would be ok....fail)
-i was a part of several poetry contests (always turned red when i looked at the judges)
-i stood in front of family and friends to explain my science fair
-i spoke to the people who attended my baptism this year, and that is the only one im ok that i struggled with
-i spoke to my youth group (over 100) about my missions trip to kenya
-i had to be filmed for a youth group video
-i had to lead events at school for Peer Counseling (leadership class)

my fear plays out day to day:

-calling for pizza
-calling Moody Bible just to ask a simple question
-group interviews for a job
-answering the phone at work
-volunteering to do an activity at youth group (up on stage)
-praying in a large group
-giving my testimony in front of more than 3 people
-when standing in a group and someone says "Well. Ashlyn said this...."

whenever i hear the words "Ashlyn, what do you think?", or "Ashlyn, will you read this out loud for me", both in church and school settings, any time the adult brought the attention(aka spotlight) on me i about wanted to die. I am totally fine answering a question or talking to a my Bible study friends, but only when i decide to can i feel ok. Feeling the spotlight on me when i had no intention being a part of it makes me literally want to throw up.

i knew that i wasn't the only one who had a fear like this, but i am surrounded by my mom (who speaks at conferences), and outgoing friends (who are ok talking).


This speech that i am working on....man....im just so torn up inside. BUT after all that....the reason i am even posting this fear of mine is because i know more info on it now :)

I have what you call, PSA or " Public Speaking Apprehension". See most people get butterflies before they speak and then it leaves, or they practice and their nervousness leaves. There are even people who have mastered the fear of public speaking. PSA is different though, its a legit fear, and i am not the only one!!! As i was reading my school book it started talking about it and i was finding that i could relate to all their examples of it. It makes me feel better to know that i am not making this fear up or being super dramatic (some people think i am)....

so it looks like its going to take a TON of work to figure out how to be ok at even talking on the phone or talking in a classroom but i know how to communicate now to my teachers to let them know.

the speech i am going to give next week will probably not be A quality but i will do my best.

roller coaster of....life

there were many ups and downs today. my heart is heavy yet so thankful. tomorrow will be a good day (Thanksgiving) but today....man. Everything piled up on my again. My strength was all me and i am now running to God wondering whats wrong...oh right because i am human and my energy will not get me very far. I feel so alone again. Where is my identity right now? Im in a season without strong female friends. I got to sit down and process what has been going on in my heart- it was so good to share with someone who actually cares and i walked away feeling room to breath finally. but it seems the moment i breath something comes up. i walked away from another conversation feeling confused, icky, and so drained. "God i am tired. I am tired of going to Bible school because now i dont even open the word up just for fun. I am tired of no friends. I am tired of seeing my old friends move on. im tired."

remember ashlyn....God is the God of JUST ENOUGH.

He has blessed me with the best family ever. He has blessed me with a car. He has blessed me with a great job. He has blessed me with fog, beautiful trees, and the ability to relax. He has blessed me with the opportunity to serve and love on Jr. Highers. I am so blessed. My focus should be this.

One (or 11) TOO many

I busy myself when things aren't going according to plan. When thinks are stressing me out, when life is not happening the way i want them i don't head for my Bible, i don't talk it up with God either. we all resort to something that gets our mind off of whatever the problem is. I have busied myself with TV Shows this season. Because i am not surrounded by many people this fall, i have upgraded from sticking my nose in books for hours on end to watching hours of shows.

TV SHOWS i watched for the past 2 months...
New Girl -20 min (watch alone)
Castle -45min (watch with people)
Modern Family -20min (watch with people)
The middle -20min (watch alone)
Person of interest -45 min (watch alone)
Terra Nova -45min (watch alone)
Bones -45min (watch with people)
Hart of Dixie -45min (watch alone)
Unforgettable -45min (watch alone)
Body of Proof -45min (watch alone)
Up all night -20min (watch alone)
A gifted man -45min (watch alone)
Once upon a time -45min (watch alone)
Pan am -45min (watch alone)
NCIS LA -45min (watch with people)

On a weekly basis i watched 575mins a week. 10 hours of shows every week. HOLY MOLY!

I have no problem with the shows i watch, but i do have a huge issue with the amount of time i spend on my laptop just watching shows. Here i am complain that i have no time but here is 10 easy hours to be with my family, spend some good time in the Bible, hang out with friends, sleep. I sprained my foot this week and my life has been put on pause, im sure because there is no way i would have stopped and just breathed for a second. Finally after 5 days in bed- im starting to get the picture haha. I'm rethinking how my perspective even is about my time here in Fresno. Im rethinking boundaries with friendships. Im rethinking the root of my "issues". Im rethinking how i spend my time. It took a sprain to make me pause...gosh i just love learning the hard way....


SOOOOOOOO.....Here is me trying to grow and change in this area of life.

Watching Tv shows is like a very happy hobby of mine and it's fun to do with friends but if you look above look how many shows i actually watch with people vs. on my laptop in my room. I am only going to watch 4 shows now. FOUR. not 15. why four? no idea- felt it was a good number for myself. and ill change it if i need to.

The shows i will now watch:

The only show i will watch by myself- to relax and enjoy.


After the high school seniors are done with Bible study at our house every wednesday- anyone can stay to watch it. This show is like my "Friends" show. I can watch it over and over again.


This is like MY SHOW...this is the last season :( BUT, i watch this with Melody. Good times good times.


Sean comes over every monday night and me, Juju and him watch it- TRADITION :) a highlight of my week.

what is going on?

God what are you doing? really? like you know me...you know i can make a simple matter super complicated by just thinking about it. what are you trying to teach me? you know when i struggle i push people away. you know when i mess up i dont want to stand up and try again. you know i walk in my own strength and end up getting sick from stress. obviously you are trying to show me that you are enough and the only way im learning is the hard way. why am i so stubborn? if i know the answer to these questions why do i continue to walk in the flesh?

hume kid 101

this morning i skyped with a dear friend and a very interesting topic came up that really got me thinking. i don't think people have any idea what former hume kids go through in life after leaving their beloved bubble in the mountains. when people take a look at the bunch of us who have moved away, they would see great family atmospheres, maturity in not only interacting with other people but he depth of understand of Jesus. the battles hume kids face is very unique and hard to explain to the average person. its one of those "you have to live it to fully understand" missionary kids from kenya would relate more to us than a good friend who goes to church with me. what is it we face daily? as i skyped with my friend, i began to see that we ALL face (faced) the same feelings, situations, and reactions. and the sad thing is, is that there is nothing anyone can say or do that will get us out of the struggles we face (is a personal struggle with God alone).

im blogging this in hopes it gives a glimpse into the life of a blessed and yet misunderstood Christian life we live.

Living at a Christian Camp for most of my life provided such a dream childhood and i would not change it for the world. Forest was all around, we had all seasons of weather, it was safe, nothing too bad happened, afternoons were spent hanging out on one of the many rocks and fields just talking about life. Everyone's house was home to another. We were blessed with huge imaginations and would come up with the best stories to act out outside for hours on end. We were given the opportunity to start working at 11 and from that our work ethic was strong for a young kid. We were around ministry daily and got to see changed lives and our parents serving the Lord. We got to go to camp every year. Hume was a Disneyland we never had to leave. I became a Christian on my own when i was 10 at summer camp. Hume gave me a strong foundation of who i was and gave me a confidence i thought everyone down in the valley had. Jump ahead to freshman year in high school. i moved.

My world shook and before i knew it i was in states of depression. i hated life. i wanted to be done with christianity. did i hate Jesus? no way jose. how did i go form the "perfect" life and being happy to moving into a big house and new friends and become so desperate to get out? i wasnt missing out on a relationship in my life. so what was i missing? here is the sucky thing about growing up at hume. from day one we were taught Jesus inside and out. we had a ton of knowledge but we never had to apply it. when i moved, there were overwhelming circumstances that caused me to fall on the ground in a frantic state.

did you know that we feel so alone? so isolated? so unrelatable?

thoughts on a tuesday

what do i see myself as? when i look in the mirror who do i reflect? i know my perspective is screwed up still to put it bluntly. i am the optomist for others but a pessemeist for anything that has to do with myself. instead of walking into everyday asking myself how can i grow and become a better person today? my constant thoughts are how many times will i mess up in the next 5mins it has been said that whatever is on the inside comes out and if i am so consumed by my failures, my actions are twisted and i am not being the best ashlyn i can be. i truly thought i was a confident person, and i am...but only when life is good and i have everything in control. CONTROL and EXPECTATIONS are my two least favorite words. they have been my idols and i am constantly finding myself living with the perspecttive that i EXPECT my plans and CONTROL to work out the way i want. i laugh as i write that because its so selfish and i sit back looking at what others are doing not willing to budge from my stubborn unteachable heart. where did my writing go? my book reading? my time with Jesus? a friend of mine gave me a visual example and it is one of those metaphors control freaks like me would only understand. AM I LETTING MY WORLD SPIN? the world is my perspective. i tend to focus on one continent at one time and get so consumed by it. if step back and let go of control the world would start spinning again and i would then get a bigger picture and the stress i had from tying to hold onto the world would no longer be there.where does my confidence lie? huh thats a good question. God give me the strength to live out the perspective i have been learning about and fill me with love. i have been learning so much but not letting myself grow because it hasn't been easy.

not going to live in eternity together

for a couple of months now, a friend of mine has been on my mind constantly. am i doing all i can? am i living as a Godly example? am i helping her get one step closer or one step further away? she is dear to me and i love her. we are so much alike yet one major gap lies between us. i am saved by grace and she is not. the friend i spend a lot of time with and invest into will not be in the same place as me after life here on earth. i am praying that her heart opens to even the idea of Jesus. i hope i can plant at least a seed in her life or be the water to help that seed grow. i have faith God can do anything and has the power to change her heart. but i do hurt when i think about her. i wrote a note to her a while ago to prove that i have been praying for her since day one and that i believed in God's power and love. when she becomes a Christian i will give it to her...hopefully. i only have one more year with her before i go off to college then after that prayer will be my only tool. am i doing all i can?..am i?

just the thought makes me cry...

I really don't want to write right now, but mom challenged me to do so, i figure she is right and wise so i should listen. Tonight in Student Leadership, the topic of stewarding your testimony took the spotlight for 2hrs. Right as the speaker started talking about sharing testimonies in front of people, my heart started to race. The whole time he was talking i was nervous and getting a bit emotional. I was trying to be a good listener and be open to the possibility that speaking wasn't hard(he kept saying that you just have to be prepared but speaking is easy) well um no...this theory thing does not relate to all people. i am the proof. I don't think anyone really understands where i am coming from. it may be hard to believe that although i love people, my parents are great speakers, and i have grown up in a christian camp so that must mean im really good at all this Christiany tuff, i HATE speaking in front of people. maybe hate is not the right word....when i even hear the words "speak in front of people." i start to panic, get anxious, want to throw up and cry. it's as if a train has hit me...and if im feeling that because of just hearing the words, you don't even want to know what i feel when i am placed in the terrible position. i have tried "facing my fears" many times and it has done me no good.

i remember giving announcements with my dad at a father/daughter conference...i talked maybe a total of 10 words and i remember every dreadful moment on that stage. i walked up there determined to get over my fear and walked up so shaken up. its not like im scared to share about my life. i love my life. i have been so blessed and i know that my story can give hope to those who are hurt and also comfort those who can relate to my several years of loneliness. i am a one on one person. period. i have shared my story so many times, but in a small group setting.

i love to serve!! its my heart and passion, but God has gifted me in working hard,behind the scenes. i could care less if i dont get the credit. i HATE the spotlight. i get red every time. i have never had a good experience. some may think that since im comfortable in what i love to do, that i don't let myself be challenged. um i love being challenged, but this challenge is not at all on my side. i gave my testimony to my life group, there were only 6 girls, and i did not like any minute of it. it was a forced spotlight. i am not one of those inspirational people who can go up on a stage and speak and walk away impacting so many, i hope that i can impact through my actions first then my words if need be.

i can say right now that i would quit leadership if that would be getting out of speaking. this is no fear of spiders deal, this is like, well i don't know. i can't even ask a math question in class, or read a Bible verse in front of people, or when asked "tell me about yourself" in an interview. it has been this ongoing struggle and i can't shrug it off. i know that if i do end up talking in front of people, i will feel no relief or peace. there will always be that new opportunity to speak around the corner...

i do feel like there i am expected to do too much in leadership right now and im overwhelmed. mom told me that i needed to think of truth now whether i believed it or not. what truth??? hmm...God will not put me in a situation that He knows i can't handle even if it stinks a ton. He knows my heart. He is my strong tower that i need to run to.(verse for Bible study, wow im actually applying it) He won't leave me (with whatever i do, stupid or not)...idk. I'm done.