longing to serve...

God has been working on my heart since I was eight years old. He has been refining, affirming, challenging, and growing me so that I could get to where I am now. After 11 years of toiling, and questioning, I finally got a glimpse of God’s plan for my life. It is set in stone that for the rest of my life I will be serving people with all that I have. I will be a missionary, no matter where I end up. My heart is at peace knowing that wherever he places me, I will be given the privilege to love people to Christ.

If it was not for staying home in Fresno one more year, I would not have seen that I have a passion for junior high students. Through months of processing and trying out different areas of ministry this last year, God started nagging on my heart about Kenya, Africa. It has been now two years since I spent three weeks serving there; the place I call home away from home. During the trip, my team was blessed to stay at a boarding school for missionary kids called Rift Valley Academy. Before we left to go home, I got to meet several kids my age, attend their youth group, and just hang out.. Strangely, being at Rift Valley Academy, I felt at home. Growing up at a Christian camp my whole life is best described as an American missionary boarding school. The only difference I saw after talking with them was that we lived in different countries. It was the first time I felt understood and that I could relate to others.

This year as I started to seek what God wanted me to do with my life, the idea of going back to Kenya began ringing in my ear. On November 8, 2011, as I was watching a choir performance, my mind stop and a single thought hit me My heart is to go back to Kenya and love and invest on the missionary kids there. That thought was one of the most peaceful and refreshing thoughts that went through my head. My dream is to take the roll of a dorm parent, a person who would love and invest into students who don’t get to see their parents a lot. I know what it is like to sacrifice time with my parents so that they could do ministry and after becoming a leader for junior high students in November, it was affirmed that I would love to spend the rest of my life serving missionary kids.

discussion board...

For school I have weekly posts that i have to submit. i decided they are worth a spot on my blog.


I am not intimidated by silence. I love car rides that have little to no conversation. Silence itself is not difficult, its finding the time to just pause in the midst of the busyness of life. I love love love working at summer camps because it’s a super good reminder that pausing is possible and necessary. I think my hugest struggle though is just to take the summer habit and apply it to my routine life at home.

Solitude is complete opposite of what society calls important. But taking a moment to just breath and pause is a universal thing. Take people going to a Yoga class, or someone driving up the mountain for the day. It is built in people to go go go but there is also a need to stop once in awhile- it’s a choice then whether to ignore that or not. Solitude allows for deep intimate conversation with Christ, time to process, a visual marker showing that all control is given to God.

I have a lot of growing to do and there are several lies I am believing but it shows that without Christ I can not defeat Satan. The moment that I started getting comfortable with life, there is something wrong. I need to be constantly diving into Gods words, asking questions, seeking who I am in Him, and actively trying to become a better woman of God. Pausing forces me to stop and look my issues in the eye, then work out a step by step process on how I can grow in my struggles through Christ.

love moments like this...

For my online classes, there are weekly questions and as I looked back on what I had written a few weeks ago, i stopped at this one. I feel like this very much shows where I am at.

"Being hurt and disregarded as little worth with several friendships I have had in my life, has both grown and challenged me. I started to look for not only a friend of amazing character who would not stab me in the back but to become that friend for anyone I come into contact with that I had not found yet. Loyalty was an automatic for me. Never did I think people would just walk out on me because of what I believed in, or someone better was found. Loyalty was in my blood- never did I think of leaving any friend whether there was some conflict needing to be worked out. Loyalty means that no matter how the friend is treated, they looked past the hurtful action, show grace and forgive them. Loyalty means sticking at something that is not always fun and easy. Loyalty is intention and putting energy into something. Loyalty is by far something I cherish. When I am blessed with a loyal friend- I am so thankful and when God has allowed someone who is not necessarily a good friend, I will love on and invest my love and be that loyal friend. (Who knows, I may be that one opportunity that the person gets to see Christ revealed) Loyalty is something I used to expect but have learned cherish. It’s a reminder that although at time we all fall short of being loyal to a friend, God is always there and is Loyal.


Happiness. So much is etched into that word. I love making plans and to do lists. I need 24hrs to be informed of a change and if I am not…I pretty much freak out inside. (At home I show it by turning robotic- not being flexible and honest-like I should) Being content has been a constant struggle for me. Happiness is a mere feeling and being content is not just a feeling but a perspective. I find I more enjoy life if I am not so worked up on all the wrong things in my life. Being here at home-doing school all by myself at my kitchen table, no college friends is not my dream place I’d like to be. I am a fellowship girl. I love living in community and right now God has placed me in what I call “Solitary Confinement” season. I constantly ask- what am I doing here? Why why why? As if my plan is better than Gods. Haha. If my perspective changed a littler- I would see that I am so blessed in life and although I am not in the midst of “a happy season” my perspective needs to change and from that I will find a sense of peace, leading to contentment, which leads to a less worrying life and is more fun, fun leads to happiness. I need to focus on the root rather than the branch (result) of happiness.


I JUST GOT BACK FROM CBU (CAL BAPTIST UNIVERSITY). IT WAS A 2 DAY TRIP, SHORT AND SPONTANEOUS. I GOT THE PRIVILEGE TO SIT IN A CAR WITH A CHILDHOOD FRIEND AND HAVE SUCH GREAT, DEEP, AND CHALLENGING CONVERSATIONS. I GOT TO TOUR A BEAUTIFUL SCHOOL AND SURPRISE A DEAR FRIEND. MY FRIEND TRIED OUT FOR CHIOR AND AS I SAT WATCHING THE AMAZING VOICES (DEF. HAD CHILLS) MY ONLY THOUGHT WAS "I WOULD NOT WANT TO BE ANYWHERE ELSE. I AM COMPLETELY CONTENT." I AM SO THANKFUL MY FRIEND ASKED ME TO GO. I GOT A CHANCE TO BREATH. PAUSE. AND GROW IN RELATIONSHIPS. MAN. IT ENERGIZED ME FOR THIS WEEK AND I FEEL LIKE I HAVE SUCH A REFRESHED PERSPECTIVE. :)

From this week.... my heart in ministry is leaning towards loving and investing on missionary kids in Kenya. How that looks and what i do- i have NO idea yet. But Thanks to this trip im starting to see where my passions are exactly..now im trying to figure out what talents God has given me to use and how i can best use them effectively.

its only been a week?

what a long week. like long long. this week i started two new classes for Moody. this week i worked 6 days straight. this week a couple moved into our guest bedroom. this week i missed out on yet another lifegroup hangout. this week...this week drained me. im so tired. im feeling so alone. i felt so much weight this week from hearing so many sad stories from many around me. im a tradition girl and today is halloween...that tradition is unfortunately not happening this year and all i think is "could not have asked for a better way to end this week." hear the hint of sarcasm? yes im struggling. so in the midst of struggle i need to remind myself that:


GOD IS THE GOD OF just enough

8 weeks. 2 months. after my final test today i will have completed 2 of 8 classes for my first year of school online. boy what a bumpy ride it has been for me. i have been seeing that PERSPECTIVE has affected my journey in this season of life and what i am deeply struggling with is CONTENTMENT. i just can't be happy with all that im blessed with....sounds downright ridiculous. so i want to make a list of why im thankful for THIS season in my life.

-i do not have time to invest into many people so its ok God's only placed a few people in my life
-I get to walk alongside Godly people like Kim Feil and Ashley Brannan and my mom
-I am learning what it means to be a Godly friend with very diverse friendships i have been placed in
-I get to live with my family for another year and some of my closest friends are now my sister and brother
-Fresno in the fall (fog, cold)
-Going to the Well Community Church
-Working at Bath and Body Works
-I have a car
-I get to go on road trips


Even though the list is not as long as other seasons in life- when i take a step back- im blessed beyond belief and if i focus, not on what i don't have, but God has blessed with me, i feel like i will have more energy, have a teachable heart, and looking back in years to come say "that was such a great learning year" whether or not its an easy season in my life.

a new meaning..

so as im reading 111 pages in my theology book- something new popped out. I always seem to think of Bible stories as applicable lessons from everyday men who were sinners like me....but for some reason those men and writers of the Bible never seemed like real.

Moses-political leader
Joshua-military leader
David-shepherd
Solomon-king
Amos-herdsman and grower of sycamore figs
Daniel-Prime minister
Matthew-tax collector
Luke-medical doctor
Paul-rabbi
Peter-fisherman

are just some....but look at the diversity of their vocations. We get perspective from all around. And these men wrote from actual continents....like Asia, Africa, and Europe!!! Jeremiah wrote from Egypt in Africa...Africa....like I went to Kenya....like that Africa and John wrote as a banished person on the island of Patmos and Paul wrote FIVE books in prison. Holy Moly!

Im just super stoked!

college...am i there yet?

it is now week 3. week 3! crazy how time has flown. there have been a bunch of fun things that have gone on while at the same time never have i been so overwhelmed with life. i am seriously struggling big time. do i like fresno? YES I LOVE IT and YES IM FINE STAYING HERE. don't get me wrong fresno is great! but as i sit back and watch friends go to college, move out of the house and enjoy dorm life, i am here at home. what is God doing in me? let me tell you. a lot so far. More than i am comfortable with honestly. So far i have been learning that i need to study...like really study and not just do it for school but to actually learn and soak up new things. Tomorrow i start work....bath and body works baby. im nervous. why? well my life has been food service galore and now im moving into a completely new job. i hope that i will enjoy it, work my best, and be able to shine Christ. Nannying starts up in a week-which is new for me too. Lifegroup starts on tuesday with Ashley!! SUPER EXCITED!!! so right now 2 words to describe life for me is. STRETCHED and NEW. im used to TRADITION and CONTROL

a thing called online classes

its only day two and IM LOVING it!!!!!! the grind is not officially my classroom and im so happy im already connecting with my other classmates whom i hope to meet in a year. i didnt think hours a day in God's word knowing im not only pursuing my dreams but also growing in my relationship with Him. Learned a new word today: hermeneutical- to make clear, interpret. go me! and one of the top things i got out of reading today. "The value of this doctrine (He doesn’t change) is enormous: since God does not change, His love and His promise forever remain certain. For example, He will never change concerning His promise in John 3:16" Didn't know theology would interest me so much. :) This has been one of the happier days of the year!