me time...

i have been here (WA) for about a week now. it's been pretty relaxing. i love that my grandparents house is nestled in a forest where there are dirt roads and tall green green trees. i am surprised at how cold i am here though...didn't i just come from chicago...windy and cold weather? anyway- this week has allowed for me to have a lot of me time. 

me time.

little did i expect the reaction i would receive when i stated those words to some friends. 

"that sounds selfish" was mainly the response i got from them. \

I in return.. was shocked. did i say something wrong? do they never get time alone? is this only a camp kid thing? how can i better translate it? I felt like even in my translation of what i meant by me time- i was still the weird girl who had to have her "me time". to be honest it was kind of frustrating. 

another term for me time is simply being alone. i think everyone: the quiet ones, the loud ones, the social butterflies, the energizers, the academics all need alone time. i know everyone has their own way of reenergizing but i really feel that getting in some alone time to do whatever (paint, horseback ride, write, listen to music, go for a walk) is so needed. 

i was blessed to grow up in a family that gave me the freedom in this area. my space was respected. my alone time to process, figure out life was never taken away from me. 

me time could in fact become a selfish thing, an excuse, a reason to avoid something. but at the heart of it. it's time to be alone, process, have the freedom to do something or nothing at all. it's time to reenergize, plan, have lightbulb moments. 

me time. everyone do it. it's not a bad thing. 

yea yea- my persister is strong in this subject. 

20 memories for 20 years...

My life has been overflowing with blessings since I was born. Not many people get to grow up in one of the most beautiful places on earth, Hume Lake, and have a family like mine. I am now 20 years old. That is two decades gone. Holy macaroni. So much life has happened. There are so many people who have shaped who I am. So many places that have taken pieces of my heart. So many memories that I don’t know what to do with. 

20 Memories for 20 Years

1. Hume SD. One of my favorite camps of all time. This was the first time to try something new with 3 amazing people. I remember a lot of ice cream, beach time, sunshine, rec games, being allergic to the hay on stage, lot of messing around. I look back and am so glad to have spent a week with them.

2. Kenya. 2009. Need I say more? This place stole a piece of my heart. This trip secured it in my heart that overseas ministry was where I was headed. To serve alongside my family and people dearest to me was something I would never pass up. Those three weeks molded me and the people I met are fresh on my mind regularly.

3. Disneyland. I couldn’t pick my favorite trip because I love Disney so much. I love that I grew up going to this place. My dad’s idea of “going to much to make us hate it” backfired on him and I am a forever a Disneyland lover. This picture is with my siblings and cousin during spring break a few years ago. We were enjoying our dole whips in the Tiki Room. For those of you who don’t know…I love tradition. And the picture captured it. The other picture is in my top 3 favorite trips: our first sibling only trip. No parents. We got to celebrate Juju’s 17^th birthday and everything went smoothly.

4. Senior year. Of all the years in high school, senior year was the best. It was the first year I had some good friends. Formal was was the perfect dance. That year I fully felt that Fresno was home.

5. RV trip. I so wish I could go back and relive the RV trip and soak in more memories because the trip was seriously the best. 6 weeks on the road going through most of the states in the US. So fun. Too bad it was my awkward clothing style season.

6. Hume sports. We were pretty limited in the sports we could play. Soccer. There were not many sports to do at Hume growing up. Soccer was one and it was the best. Soccer was the best place to be competitive, get tamales, and run around in the mountain air. This picture is of my neighbors- 13 years with them. Swim team. I loved swimming and I was one of the fastest so it felt good to be good at something. The picture was our “big” swim meet.

7. Baptism. 2011. What a marking moment in my life. It wasn’t until I was 18 when I fully decided it was time to trust Jesus. I combined my grad party with the baptism and it was so neat to see people from all seasons of life come to support me. Boy what a journey he took me on right after. But I am so thankful for that moment.

8. Summer after graduation. What a fun summer. These girls were by my side all of senior year. Amber (left) dedicated her life to the Lord that trip up to Hume (my childhood home) It is moments like this where you are in complete awe of God’s power. This was my first friend road trip and it fun to show my friends my home.

9. Sammy’s 16^th birthday. One of my favorite trips ever. We went to see Wicked (my favorite show) and to Disneyland. We ran into a pirate and I remember we broke into a fit of laughter when he said (with a straight face) “Say Rum”.

10. Redwood Christian Camp. This was my first camp outside of Hume. And it was AMAZING. I got to go to camp with my brother one year and it was super great. The picture was taken right after Jello/Oatmeal Wars. The best, stickiest camp game ever.

11. Michael Buble Concert. 2011. Two years ago I went to my first real concert. It was the BEST. I found someone who appreciated his heavenly voice as much I did. It was a phenomenal concert.

12. Wyoming Vacation. 2011. This trip was planned by my mom and I hated on her for it for so long. Only old people go to Wyoming. Boy was I wrong. This was one of my favorite Downs vacations by far. Horseback riding on a mountain. I still don’t like horses that much but it was amazing to be on the top of a mountain with my family.

13. Snack Shop 2010. One of my favorite summers ever. I had the BEST experience at Hume. It was my first summer as a summer staffer and I was blessed with the best co-workers. It was such a growing and refreshing summer of community, hard work, and pranks.

14. Jr. High Winter Camp. 2012. I was given the privilege to counsel my 7^th graders for the weekend. I had the best time ever. Had to learn a lot about discipline but made so many memories with these girls.  They made moving away so hard.

15. Road trip to College. Not many people get to say their grandparents took them across the county, 2,100 miles. I made so many memories and bonded with some of the most giving and hilarious people I know. This trip will be forever cherished.

16. Moody Bible Institute.  My journey with them has been such a rigorous, challenging, but special adventure for me. My first year was online and my second year in Chicago. I, a Californian moving to the Midwest…what did I think I was doing? Next year I will actually be  living in a neighborhood in the city. I have grown and been blessed so much because of this school. Thank Jesus I got into my dream school.

17. Life at Hume. I don’t remember much about that night but it was full of laughter. This picture means a lot to me. It captured the joy that Mandy has brought me over the years. It captured my innocent little self, unaware of the world around me. It showed that we could entertain ourselves for hours on end at Hume. I am so proud to be a Hume Kid.

18. My family. I am such a family person. I love my family to death. I CHOOSE to be with them every chance I get. But I have been blessed parents who have a heart to love others and because of that, we opened our house to many amazing girls. There are more people not pictured who I call extended family, (Bry, Kellie, Sarah, Pj & Sheri) maybe one day we will have one big family picture.

19. Paint wars/watermelon carving. 2011. This night was just one of many fun things we did that summer.

20. Wagon Train. 10 years old. 10 years ago. I became a Christian. Slinger (Rich Baker) presented the Gospel in such a way that made me want to have a personal relationship with the Lord. And my life has never been the same. 

sums me up...

In one of my classes we had the opportunity to take a personality test for extra credit. When I heard it was the Humanmetrics Jung Typology Test, my stubbornness set in. This was not the YUD (Your Unique Design) assessment I had become so accustomed to back home. There was no way I’d take that test. It would box me in, put me in a bubble, restrict me, and my persister would very much be in distress.

Well it turns out… I needed that extra credit, so I took the test, with as much cynicism as I could muster up. 

At the end of the day, the test was a good opportunity for me to be more aware of who I am, but that does not mean I agreed with everything. As my mom has told me, “Ask yourself if there is any truth in (the circumstance). If there is, take it and be teachable. If there isn’t take whatever truth there may be then move on.” She knows that I hold onto every comment directed towards me, whether its true or not, and I am learning to not be ruled by that.

So anyway…I wanted to share the results I got (btw I deleted the things I didn’t relate with/agree on which eased my persister distress). There is actually quite a bit of truth in this test and I feel like it explains who I am very clearly.

So for those who don’t know know me- here is a window into who I am. I don’t want to take the time to explain what the acronym ESFJ (which is what I got) stands for because the excerpt summarizes what it is. The ESFJ has the title of the “caregiver.”

 “The ESFJ takes their responsibilities very seriously, and is very dependable. They value security and stability. They are warm and energetic. They are hurt by indifference and don't understand unkindness. They are very giving people, who get a lot of their personal satisfaction from the happiness of others. They want to be appreciated for who they are. They're very sensitive to others, and freely give practical care. ESFJs are such caring individuals, that they sometimes have a hard time seeing or accepting a difficult truth about someone they care about. They have a strong need to be in control. They want to like people, and have a special skill at bringing out the best in others. They usually have very well-formed ideas about the way things should be, and are not shy about expressing these opinions. The selfless quality of their personality type is genuine and pure. Their dominant function demands structure and organization, and seeks closure. They're traditional, and prefer to do things in the established way, rather than venturing into unchartered territory. ESFJs at their best are warm, sympathetic, helpful, cooperative, tactful, down-to-earth, practical, thorough, consistent, organized, enthusiastic, and energetic. They enjoy tradition and security, and will seek stable lives that are rich in contact with friends and family.”

Tradition. Giving. Genuine. Control. Structure/stability. Honest/blunt. 

 If asked to describe myself: the words above would pretty much sum me up in a nutshell.

and i learned...

I learned that i need to TRUST Jesus (all the time)

My circumstances may not change no matter how much i plan, so i might as well find joy in the midst of hard seasons.

I seek depth in relationships, but i need to balance how intense i should be :)

Even in confusion there is peace

I am not a dorm person. (too many people for a harmonizer)

I am not a college person. (how do people stay up that late? proud to say my new bedtime is 11pm!!)

It's super hard to keep in contact with people back home

I am not an expert on Roommate 101. Still got some learning to do.

Peach tea is my best friend. every morning.

God provides. (jobs, mentors, friends)...in His timing

Letting go is super hard. super hard. but it does take TIME, it's true, no one lies when they say that

Just because i could be a Jr. High leader does not mean my ministry stopped

Real teachers and real classrooms will never be taken for granted (take that Online school)

Train rides give me some of the best Dreamer time

I need trees more than i thought i did

I really would not have thrived as an RA (residential assistant). I love people, just not in that context

I am more motivated to do hard things now that i better understand what trusting Jesus means

I love celebratory worship (Harvest Bible Chapel)

Life continues on back home, even without me (still learning to be ok with that concept)

I am a super funny person and for the first time someone other than family appreciates it (my roomie, Em. I promised she's not biased)

I never got tired of Moody's Taco Tuesday

(more to come as i think of them)

in the clouds...

there has been a lot going on in my head, like more than normal. sporadic thoughts flood in with no real direction. i'm starting to think this is my dreamer time. it doesn't come out much. so i wonder, what makes that side of myself come out? stress? sleep deprivation? honestly that may be slightly true, but only slightly. i think my dreamer kicks in when, despite everything going on around me, im at peace. not the "sigh of relief, everything is ok" peace but the "im up on a cloud, soaking up every minute" peace. this week has been typical. nothing new. nothing special. and yet im happy. i have energy. is it because i understand what trusting Jesus looks like more? whatever it may be, me and my thoughts are enjoying some time in the clouds.

thoughts...


my sister is an inspiration. God is using her to bless others. my own sister. at a loss for word. summer in Washington is going to be amazing.
my brother is graduating high school. i've given myself permission to let go of previous relationship and move on, and it feels good. its freeing. going to Uganda at the end of the year, having Africa withdrawals.my hair is actually long finally :) TOMS are my best friend
i never should have said goodbye to fiction books, its been nice to tap back into my imagination. i get to bike soon. biking is one of my favorite outlets. my foot hasn't hurt in a while, just can't get carried away and start running quite yet there are many weddings i wont be able to go to cause i live in Chicago. am i really thinking about getting a tattoo this summer? yes. im going to be 20 next month. thats 10yrs from 30. im not ready to let go of "teenager" wish money wasn't an constant stress. going to try and like fingernail polish by the end of summer.i need a new favorite smell, im getting tired of all my lotion scents.
it's been years since ive talked to some people. weird thought since im usually good at staying in touch. still want to go on a friend roadtrip. ill keep planning. it will happen. eventually. i still love my many tv shows. wish i had someone here who appreciated them as much as me. can i meet Buble already?i could live without lights in my dorm room. i miss otter pops. school is almost done. my second year of college.

a "yes" it is...

For those of you who have followed my journey on my blog or walked alongside me this last year, you know that the season i found myself in last year was not easy. I guess life is really never that easy. I guess i just assumed my life would be the exception. A lot of my previous posts clearly showed my processing through what all was going on last year, the struggles, mistakes, frustrations, joys, surprises. Blogging kept me transparent and forced me to embrace both the good and bad.

Last semester i began to process through what it meant to trust Jesus when everything was going wrong. I had a hard time believing that God was a Good God, that his way was the right way. But after being stubborn for so long He broke me and i now can see the beauty behind it all!

I really got so caught up in all the "No's" Jesus was giving me that I literally wanted to give up. Be done with everything. I didn't make it into my dream school after two attempts. I then had to stay home for another year, doing online Bible school. My schedule wouldn't let me attend a Lifegroup. Friends moved away. Right when routine would kick in, a change of plans would hit my life.

Every plan i had was ruined.

And the "every plan won't work"-season carried on through this last semester here at Moody. I had to get two jobs to cover school costs. I had to work every Sunday meaning that I could not find a home church quickly. My roommate situation was complete opposite of what i had intended. I was signed up for classes by someone else that put me behind in school.I applied to be an RA and did not even make it to the level of interviews. Finally i had gotten into my dream school and it seemed at every corner there was a roadblock, a rock to trip me. This was not what i had planned.

So much struggle. So much questioning. So many tears.

 It wasn't until Christmas that i recognized all the unplanned events i went through, really were good. God allowed these hard things in my life to teach me, mold me, and draw me near to Him.

Because I had to stay home: I built better relationships with my family and was able to love my sister as she went through medical issues. 

Because I was unable to join a Lifegroup: God opened the door for me to love on Jr. High girls who i have built such neat relationships with. 

Because I had online classes: My schedule was flexible enough to work at one of my favorite jobs (Bath and Body Works), have a ton of coffee dates, and allow me to be available.

Because all my friends left: I was forced to be social outside my comfort zone and ended having some of the best nights ever with solid people who loved Jesus. 

Because I had to get two jobs: I got the neat opportunity of loving two different groups of people, my co-workers as well as an amazing Chicago family.

Because my roommate and I did not get along at first: I was able to work on some of my weaknesses and began to put my worth in God and not in people. (We are now friends and I couldn't ask for a better roommate. :) God is seriously so good) 

Because I did not get the RA position: I had to trust that Jesus had something better in store for me. 

Trust. I would say I trust Jesus, but not fully.

When circumstances are tough, i never really question what He is doing. I just get tired that He doesn't let me into the bigger picture and the schedule of my life.

When circumstances are good, i hold onto that good, not being present and enjoying God's blessing in my life, because i am so scared He will just take it away.And he has taken people and things out of my life for what seems like no reason. And even though i still don't get it, we are called to trust him fully. With everything. No matter the circumstance. He has a reason for everything and it ok that i don't know it all. I just need to keep my focus on Him the whole time.

This last week was one of the most stressful weeks i have had in a long time. I was shutting down, drained, and growing impatient.For the last 3 months i waited for a response from two things i applied to. Here at moody. Applying to anything Moody, has not been easy for me. It was honestly hard to apply for new things on campus because i faced the possibility of more rejection. But i was challenged to persevere.When anxiety really attacked me, He was there, holding me.

God has finally said "Yes"!!!

"Yes"-Never has that word been more encouraging, refreshing, and exciting. If i had not gone through this hard season, that "Yes" would have been taken for granted. It has such depth now. I recognize that I don't deserve anything, and it is SUCH a blessing when He says "Yes"!

Next year: 
I will be on Moody's Woman Ministries team. I will be diving into a whole new field of the Unknown. I was accepted to join Samaria, its a branch of the women's ministry, i will be going to a public high school and will be trying to build relationships with some of the girls there. This is a new launch so i will be walking into no structure, routine, or plans. This scares me. But i am SOOOO excited to finally be a part of something and begin to build roots here in Chicago.

Also...

I made it into another new program known as Cohorts. Cohorts is a dream come true. Not only will i be attending my dream school but i will be living in my dream situation. The program is much like one i was applying to back home (Plan B if i didn't get into moody). I will be moving into a neighborhood with three other girls known as Little India. It's a win win!! Doing urban ministry WHILE i attend school. I get to build relationships with people in this city in a practical, everyday atmosphere!!


If Jesus had not stripped me away from everything comfortable last year, i don't think i would be ready for this next fall. He knew what He was doing :) He has been preparing me and i am sure all this is just a sliver of what He has in mind.

From some random speaker...
"We are usually in three stages: in a trial, just getting out of a trial, or walking into one."

If i trust Jesus, no matter what stage i am in, i really should have nothing to worry about. I cannot trust my plans. I need to trust Him. There are going to be so many turns coming up that i will not expect, but i can expect my Jesus to be there with me. And knowing that, i am ready to take this next season on. 

a side nobody sees...

Right now its snowy and it's coming down like crazy. I am sitting in a super ugly tan leather chair under the brightest light ever, people watching and enjoying the white speckles outside. Of course im listening to Frank Sinatra on pandora; it's just that kind of day.

This week is not extraordinary: it may be me least favorite week. I do not enjoy classes because there is this thing called mid-terms. Forget learning, i have to memorize so much in order to pass the class. That's why i don't like tests cause i don't learn anything or soak up things. Whatever, it's almost done. 

So this post is due to several people making me think yet again about life. Because of my dear friend's post and some frustrating conversations with others, I was able to come to the conclusion that people here in Chicago, do not really know me. 

Well duh Ashlyn, you haven't even lived here for a year, so there hasn't been enough time for people to get to know you. 

Well yes, so true, and yet...

there are some sides of me that most people will never, or rarely, see here while i am at college. I would say that i am Me here- i really haven't struggled with covering up my personality or trying to be someone i am not. 

But in that...

i have only been able to tap into some sides of Me while other sides of Me are left in the attic, collecting dust. 

I love love love Chicago, the city atmosphere is just so amazing and at times (like all the time) i feel like i am in some movie. It's surreal to walk down busy streets, be surrounded by all different types of brick buildings, and smell chocolate twirling through the air. But this city is not my home. It's not my natural environment. It's not my familiar comfort. It's foreign. It's fun, new, fresh, but it's not my safe place. 

Here people don't see my ADVENTUROUS side, my FAMILY side, or my DETERMINED (strong-willed) side. At times i feel boxed in here, put in this bubble with everyone else who is fighting to find their identity in Christ and be their own person. There seems to be no room to just be. Just be Me. 

Do we (even I) actually take the time to get to know each person i have a conversation with or do i place them in a box labeling them as just another "Moody Student" or "They have had a hard life so I can't relate" just a thought...anyway...

My ADVENTUROUS side has not been tapped into in quite awhile. I am just so busy here and if i get a break to relax, it's only for a day and usually i am too tired to go do anything fun. But put me in California and my adventurous side comes out. Road trips, late night trips to get special donuts across town, trips to the beach for a day, paint wars, biking all day, rollerblading in stores. I really cherish each moment i got to do those spontaneous things. But even in Fresno, i still have a hard time tapping into that side. 

The mountains though...oh man. I instantly become a kid again, pure joy, endless energy, and spontaneity tap into me. To be surrounded by tall trees, fresh air, ducks, a lake, dirt gives me unofficial permission to be adventurous. I LOVE hiking, off-roading, camping, boating, and building forts in the forest. It fills me up completely. Moving away from Hume made me sacrifice being able to tap into my ADVENTUROUS side whenever i wanted, and you know, i am ok with that, but i do miss it. Living in the midwest now has placed me in a state where i am the farthest away from mountains. So to those who never see my spontaneous, fun, energetic side, simply take me to the mountains. 

My FAMILY side. Oh boy. no one sees this side here on campus. My family is such a huge part of my life. Like i choose to be with them whenever i get a chance. (Most of my christmas break was spent with them.) Back in high school, whenever i brought friends home, it was amazing. They got to see a taste of my life everyday and i loved sharing it. Family dinner was the best, but then epic games came after and of course so many laughs filled the night. My family is all very different and our dynamics really makes me love being a part of it, and i love bringing people into that world. When i am with my family, i think that's when i am the most real, most chill, most quirky, most me. But being here, no one fully understands the extent of what i mean when i say "Oh yea im close with my family." Everyone defines being close to their family very differently which is fine but i wish people who i am getting to know here could understand that side of me. So to those who don't know my family side, simply fly home with me and let me introduce to you one of the best things in my life. 

My DETERMINED side for some reason has not followed me here, and i have no idea why it's back home. By determined i mean my strong-willed, independent nature that got me into trouble during my childhood. Although i care for what others needs and wants are, i almost always have an opinion. One of my least favorite questions is "so what do you want to do?" no because i'm indecisive but because in that minute all i want to do is make sure that my friend's needs are going to be met. i already have my opinion but i hate tapping into it until i know my friend is content. Well i have been doing better at "making decisions" and confidently choosing something when someone asks me. Ok i totally went on a tangent, back on track. Back home, one of my major attributes i am known well by are my opinions. My mom always stated, "well we always know where Ashlyn stands." That's because i verbalized everything that was in my head to let people know where i was at. (whether it was smart to or not, whether people wanted to hear it or not). My determined side is my confidence, it's a huge part of who i am. 

Because i have been boxed in here, i feel squeezed i think and thus this side i am so used to seeing, has been stashed into the attic. i miss it. So to those who don't know my determined side, simply don't box me in. I guess that sounds mean...i think i am just drained and miss my sides that just aren't being seen here in Chicago. 

I'm so ready for Spring Break. In two weeks, my FAMILY side will be coming out and in three weeks my ADVENTUROUS side will be also, which i am sure will naturally drag out my DETERMINED side. I need a fill up. Yes, a fill up, then my time here will be more enjoyed and i will be ok not seeing those sides for a bit again. 

What sides have you not been able to tap into? I have been asking people that question here and i love hearing people process through it. I long to get to know people here, truly get to know them, all their sides if possible. Isn't that living life with them? Why box in certain aspects of people? It makes life boring.