kettle corn and tv show life...

I see my life as a TV show and God as both the director and home viewer. One of my default sayings is, "God made football and girls; he loves himself some sports and entertainment." I picture Him sitting on a couch, wearing an I love "Mexican Food with Ketchup" shirt, munching on some kettle corn, ready to watch and episode of Ashlynisms.

For planners like myself who try to understand the concept of spontaneity, God's funny side comes out when he places us in specific situations that bring out only the most awkward, most unprepared, and most dramatic reactions. Due to these generally childlike responses, I find myself questioning my age and emotional stability. Many will laugh at my plan to marry a missionary doctor, get a pet llama, and somehow give birth to twins, while many uncomfortably try to give an appropriate response to my weird friend-making approaches. When I meet a new person, I instantly figure out why we would be good friends and then formulate a step by step process on how we will become really good friends...yea, weird, but that's how I am wired. I plan everything. Every. Single. Thing. Well as it turns out, God is the director of my tv show life and those plans I have... typically conflict with His picture of what he had in mind for me.

but...

(He meets me where I am at.)

He meets me where I am at. A truth that has stuck with me since I can remember. There have been seasons where I was lost in imagination and mountain air not caring about the next day (Ashlynisms Seasons 2-13), to Seasons where I was tired of all the pressures from the Christian community and just gave up (Ashlynisms Season 15), to Seasons where I loved each and every day (Ashlynisms Season 18), to then Seasons where I made unwise decisions and had to live with the consquences (Ashlynisms Season 20).

In every Season of my TV show life, God has always met me where I am at. As I have fought through camp kid identity issues, getting sucked into a legalistic motivation for life, and making poor choices simply because of curiosity...His patience and love created a safe place for me to mess up and yet be okay with running back into the arms of my Savior.

As I walk through the door every morning, ready to take the day on, I find myself asking God what Episode of this season he has in store for me. I know that he will always be there, will always be #1 fan who eats his popcorn, ready to laugh with the random surprises that get thrown my way. I know He will patiently meet me where I am at as I figure out what it means to walk in the spirit daily, seek to have a heart of obedience, and have a continual desire to learn more about Him. 

Who is God to you? What piece of truth has been a huge part of your life seasons? 

My God gets me, understands my quirks, and doesn't mind letting me be thrown off my failed plans. I am perfectly fine being that dramatic, predictable, yet out-of-control character in the show because I got an awesome Lord who meets me where I am at, while other onlookers may question my value and worth. 

I am intense, vocal, love deep conversations, and get energized from planning. I can be too much for people, too overwhelming, too structured and THANK GOODNESS..my TV show life is unique and special and if people can see Jesus in me, then my heart is happy and I will carry on one Ashlynism season at a time with God as my director.

the exposure and the exposed...

Uganda. Africa. Christmas 2013. New Years 2014. 

Four reasons my heart beats faster. 

Uganda: A new country. New friends. Indescribable lands painted in green. Beautiful languages. 

Africa: My happy spot. And hopefully a future home. 

Christmas: Serving with my family overseas during my favorite season...it could not get any better than that.

New Years: Saying goodbye to another year and walking into 2014 away from home brings about endless adventures, memories, and captures some of the richest growing/learning moments.

It has been about a month since skirts, sandals, sunburns, villages, clinics, and boda rides. Routine has kicked in here in Chicago: commuting, tons of reading, neighborhood life, movie nights, bundling up for cold mornings.

There are so many stories I long to share with those around me. So many heart wrenching moments, joyful days, challenging hours, hilarious conversations that I have been replaying in my head. When you go on an exposure trip that means it's quick, but just long enough to build solid relationships. When you leave for a couple weeks, it means diving into a completely different and precious culture which makes city life back in the states seem foreign. This trip, although short, solidified my dream to love and invest into people (doing whatever) for the rest of my life.

But the exposure of Uganda and the dynamics of my team also exposed sin in my life. I was confronted with the reality of some unhealed wounds and the extent it affected my life when I wasn't willing to let go. Even though I was in my niche- serving people in Africa- I was not on vacation from the Lord's pruning and shaping of my life.  

The projects we did, the people we met, the places we went, and the food we ate were not a struggle for me. It was my team. This trip reminded me that ministry is messy. It is not perfect. As a body of believers, I believe we would fail without God. Although I love them each dearly, because of many concentrated days spent with my team, my selfishness arose. Loving people is seriously one of my deepest passions, and I was in complete shock when frustrations, insecurity, and a graceless attitude surfaced within me. My feelings were not matching with what I believed to be my greatest joy. I did not want to love them. Loving them would mean me having to sacrifice my preferences, letting go of expectations, and lifting them up.

The root of the issue was that I placed past experiences on the present and loved out of my own energy.


Here I am weeks later allowing God to continue to work on my heart. I am beginning to heal from layers of hurt only because my understanding of what it means to walk in the freedom of Christ has grown deeper.

My love for people continues to grow as well. There is such beauty when the body of Christ loves each other well. I am striving to be a part of the building-up of my brothers and sisters, not the tearing down.

I miss Uganda. But am so thankful for where it took me. May we never grow numb, indifferent, or ignorant Jesus growing us. May we embrace the uncomfortable yet rich beauty of God's pruning.

obedience...

simple words spoken into my life this morning. raw and honest.

"when we walk in obedience, it will cost us something."

obedience defies our fleshly desires. our wants. our expectations. our initial plans. I did not sign up for comfort when i decided to surrender and follow Jesus. Nor did I did not sign up for routine or tangible stability. By placing my life in the palm of His hands, i gave up my self, everything.

As God strips me from the lies i've allowed to trap me, He speaks truth of his Goodness, his unfailing love, and his promise the will never leave me.

My obedience cost me my plans, comfort, and a relationship. To trust that God is bigger than all this that he has me exactly where I am supposed to be is just so hard right now.

My flesh wants to ignore Jesus. My flesh is fighting against me telling me that i was stupid, that walking in faith just isn't enough.

But i walk in obedience. Trusting the Lord. Making it a testimony of my faith. I will not complain because the time spent focusing on the bad could be used to be thankful and embrace the good. Right now, yes i am struggling so I will allow myself to feel and process. To wrestle. To have hard convos with God. I will keep reminding myself He is in all of this.

Obedience is not a way to prove how righteous we are...but in the midst of our brokenness to humbly submit to our Father and trust Him.

life happens...

Life happens…

Living in Chicago has been awesome

This season could not be going better

I love my city, school, neighborhood, friends

But back home…life has happened

And I have been 2,100 miles away from it.

How do I cope? Process? Rest in Jesus? Let go?

Unhappy news from back home has come to me every month this semester and Satan has really been tapping into my love for my family and the comfort of home, telling me that because I am in Chicago, I cant help, I cant be there, and I’ve got nothing.  (Which is true. I can’t help- God can and is. I can’t be there-God can and is. I’ve got nothing-without God---but thats not what this post is about)

Finding out sad news from a distance just doesn’t work for me…At all.

I cant hug those who need it, I can’t bring them coffee, I cant sit in silence, just being with them. I am here and they are there. I either have to process with people who have only known me for a matter of months or over the phone with old friends who can’t physically be present with me. I feel disconnected.

Life happens everywhere all around me (duh)…  but I need a continual focus on Christ or the fact that I can’t be in two places at once will eat me up.

I cant keep telling myself this is “only a season and ill be home soon” because I’m in college. I’m an adult. I am on a whole new path and having to “leave” my family back home in so many areas of my life. They hear of new friends I make, but haven’t met them. They hear of all the great restaurants and my neighborhood I’m in, but haven’t been there. Life continues on...I’m just so used to it happening alongside them and it looks so different now. The deaths, divorces, friend struggles, back home won't go away…so who do I turn to?

The Lord. My comforter.

For a person who desires the tangible, the stability in life, my heart turns to distress when the only one who will be with me EVERY step of the way is God, who is not physically present. I have grown up knowing who God is but pain forces me to actually realize exactly the God that I serve...which goes beyond my need for the tangible. He has no bounds. I like bounds. I like knowing. Yet he has me in a place where I don’t see life coming and all my “comfort” outlets I turn to when seeking refuge, are not satisfying. I know that even if I was home, I would still sense discontentment. Something missing. It is proof that God really is everything. He fills and mends the broken hearted.

He is the answer. My outlet to dealing with life. I am still working through what it means to grieve, process without desensitizing situations, becoming numb, and not being consumed. How do I be present with life here while life happens at home? 

i need to process...

"i need to process"

-an Ashlyn phrase

oh my goodness, the word "process" is one of my most favorite words. ever. when you grow up in a home where "processing through life together" is encouraged, it basically becomes engrained into every area of your life. i LOVE processing through anything that can be processed through. if i was an artist i am sure my room would be covered in abstract images, visually displaying my processing. if i was a musician, my songs would be an easy outlet to display my thinking, poetically. but i am neither. i am no avid journaler, daily blogger, or 100% verbal communicator. i do process, though, through people, writing, and time alone. 

-processing means time. more time to work things through when i am unsure. walking in the unknown.

-processing always keeps my mind deep in thought.

-processing reminds me i am human and allows me to feel.

-processing shows my desire to be transparent.

but all that to say...

i hide behind "processing"

i have realized that the moment i have nothing to process through, i go out in a frantic search telling myself there has to be more i need to process. yes processing is at times painful, uncomfortable, growing, refining, and a mirror for how much i need God. but even in the uncomfortable, i feel safe because i can control my processes. processing is a tangible way for me to cope with life. the moment my processing has completed: i don't feel accomplished, i feel an urge to busy myself with the next thing. i seek growth so badly that when i feel im in a standstill, there must be something wrong. 

Maybe when God says "Be still"...that includes putting a pause on my "processing". Processing is a big part of who i am. I tell myself that if i can't process, i can't grow, i can't learn, i can't see God more. It scares me that God doesn't need my processing to be still and rest in Him. 

Don't go thinking that i've gone to the other side and think "processing" through life is a waste of time. I am simply stating that i have made it my identity and that is not ok.

guess im processing through processing... that's weird. 

 

safe place...

what is a safe place? the concept has pressed on my mind quite a bit in this last month. last year i would say i rarely found myself in a safe place. moving out of my fresno home was a boot into the real world, a place of the unknown, and no familiar safe places. would i ever find a safe place close to what i grew up with?

this year i have actually found several safe places. 

so what's changed? 

my concept of what safe place means? my release of high expectations? simply growing up more? figuring out where my identity lies in?

as i have talked to many people my curiosity has increased. what makes them feel safe? what draws them out? do we all share the same belief of what a safe place means? 

well for me....my idea of a safe place is the freedom of just being. if i am able to tap into that need, my energy, capacity to serve, and perspective is renewed and refreshed.

just being. with friends/ family. 

the friendships i have been blessed with are so diverse and precious and i have learned to love each individually and uniquely. there are few friends i have though that the idea of "just being" with them instantly fills me up. they are the people i feel safe with, where conversation flows, silence is always an option, and time is more important than an adventure itself. it's where laughter and being fully accepted and embraced are a given. 

just being. alone. 

i have found that mountains and forests bring to a place of complete peace and joy. i have the freedom to be me, to talk to Jesus about anything, to laugh out loud, to smile as i watch birds fly in the morning air. to smell the summer breeze as i journal in the sunlight. there is a reason i am drawn to the outdoors. it was my world for 13yrs. it has been embedded into me. i don't depend on mountains to mend me though, because i am currently 2,000 miles away from my mounatins. but give me mountains any day and you will see something sparkle in my eyes. 

being in the city is obviously the complete opposite of my hometown BUT i have found my safe place even here. I live in a neighborhood where we have a mini forest, a tunnel of trees. Every morning when i look out the window- i take a deep breath and beam. He gave me my trees. He knew how much they fill me and even in the city, He blessed me with them. 

I have also found that i can just be when commuting to school. Earbuds in, music on- loud enough to enter into me time but quiet enough to be present to the strangers around me. Long train rides allows for me to just be and i look forward to it every day. 

just being. long distance. 

there are people back home who i used to be able to go grab a coffee with, hang out at the park all day, have a movie night, taco tuesday, or night swim with. but thats not the case anymore because i am on the other side of the country. my concept of just being for so long meant spending time with people in person, doing whatever. when it comes to maintaining long distance friendships/relationships i found that i NEED quality time- because quality time leads to just being. i miss simply being with the people who know me, embrace me, and will live life with me. i must have taken for granted the fact that i could hang out with any one of them whenever i wanted to, and now im left with two of my least favorite things: phone calls and texting. how in the world do i just be when im not face to face...so i begin a new journey of finding my safe place within a long distance context. 

i asked questions earlier. and they are still there. i'm so curious where people stand with the concept of a safe place. Mine is "just being". If you can get me to that place then you will find the best me i think. 

at home yet torn...

I have never felt more at home than I do now. 

But at the same time...

I have never felt more torn than I do now. 

Despite the chaotic beginning of moving back, my transition back to Chicago could not have been more smooth. I have been blessed with three amazing, amazing roommates and have gotten into the hang of commuting. Typically it takes me months to get to the place where I am at now but Jesus has really been at work in my heart. He has filled me with a Christ-like love for my roommates rather than allowing me to be consumed with anxieties, fears, doubts when it comes to building new relationships. He has blessed me with some of the best classes yet. Every single class- I have learned something. No for real. The friends I made on campus last year are still in existence and continuing to grow which is something I did not expect. This is the first time that I truly don't feel homeless. Maybe it's because I am embracing being an adult or simply because I am calling Jesus my Home. Whatever it is, I am very much thriving here.

But at the same time...

At the beginning of this week several hard hits from home came my way. Just when I was getting myself back up, another one hit. Satan did not wait to attack me. Feeding me lies that I'm not supposed to be in Chicago. I can't do anything to help from here. I need to go back home. All I have is prayer and nothing else...

Let's pause for a moment and back up. "All you have is prayer." Satan told me that that was a bad thing. I began to minimize my Jesus and feel useless. Prayer...that's all I have here. YES it is all I have here!! But prayer is not just a little conversation with God, it's my direct communication with my personal and comforting Father. It is where I bring these hurts, burdens, and even lies I am believing and falling in His arms. How dare I think prayer is the least way I can help. It should be my first go to!  

All I want to do is go home. But I can't. I am here in Chicago. And yes I love it here. So I will rest in Jesus and hold onto the one thing I know works. Prayer. 

This week has continued to confirm that God is truly the God of just enough. I feel so weak and tired right now but am still going about my day knowing that He is my strength. I think that God allowed my transition back to be easy so that when this stuff did come my way, I would have community and a place to process safely. 

I believe he is Good. I understand that I don't know everything. May the God of peace fill me. I hurt but I am at peace. I have nothing to fear- my Jesus has me completely.